If You're Going Through Hell

[scba]

I understand you Gwen.

I took him for granted, although he was sick. I took future for granted and now it's over and I regret and blame myself for "not having seen" and "not having done"

I miss him in every aspect and in a way I've learn to co-exist with this emptiness. It's part of me now.

Sometimes I question why others still have it perhaps because I'm trying to find an answer to "why not me". It's pointless...

Today was one of those days in which my love would have been here to protect me from a world that is falling apart. 

 

[Gwenivere]

The why’s will eat you up.  Sap your soul.  Sometimes I think I’ve moved past them, yet they pop up.  There are only logical answers like illness or accidents or whatever.  But we still want to know.  What I am learning is if I did find an answer beyond that, would it make a difference?   It’s still done and he is gone forever.  So much pain.  A why won’t bring him back.  

My biggest why is now HOW to find meaning every day.  Why clean?  Why change the bed?  Because that is what the living do.  Tho to call this living would make me laugh if I remembered how.   

 

[scba]

I wish I could give a hint about how to find meaning every day. Maybe there's no definite reply to that either. 

[Margm]

It is not easy to get psychiatric service on Medicaid/Medicare in another state.  Me and Xanax will think of something.  Bipolar came from my side of family.  

 Sometimes I share TMI.

[TomPB]

7 hours ago, scba said:

I look at them and think: "Why it was taken away from me?" and "Why you still have it?" (not proud of this)

It's pain who is thinking...

----------------

Sorry Marg, I didn't understand that was about your sister. 

Me too. Also since Susan was so vibrant and active, when we saw other couples our age, we'd often be thinking they didn't look so good and maybe we could help them. What a shock that Susan was the one to go! I never considered that. We were always concerned about an EXTREMELY fragile woman friend who can barely move. Yesterday she was saying how wonderful Susan had been to her. How can she be here and Susan gone?

I always have to explain when I say I took Susan for granted. What I mean is that we had an amazing wonderful love, but I could have appreciated her even more than I did. After 48 years her wonderfulness was the air that I breathed and in some ways I just took it as normal, when I could have been blown away by it every second. That's not human nature, but I could have enjoyed her more. When I complained about things she's say "But you have me!" and I'd say, true, that's wonderful, but I need...when the real answer is that with her, no, I did not need anything else.

[iPraiseHim]

8 hours ago, scba said:

I look at them and think: "Why it was taken away from me?" and "Why you still have it?" (not proud of this)

It's pain who is thinking...

In my initial shock of grief and loss, i and I believe most of us ask the "WHY" questions and "if only....".  I was trying to find some way I was responsible or a logical reason for my wife's sudden death.  I have found these questions to be pointless and a form of self sabotage.

It has been 2 years and 10 months since my beloved, Rose Anne died.  Even writing this out right now makes me cry.  I miss her every day.   I have come to accept that this feeling is just a part of me.  These waves of grief come and wane with out warning or invitation.

This week seems to be particularly intense. 

I have been through enough of these cycle to realize that this intensity will subside eventually.  I just need to make it through today.

I have no answers as to WHY but I rather focus on what I need to learn, be, or do today. I trust tomorrow will be a new day with new Grace for that day.  We are all called and living now for a purpose.  Each of us needs to learn, discover, and find our path through this grief healing journey.  MartyT, has some great resources and many friends here to share and give support.  Praying you will discovery your purpose and the PEACE  to get through it. - Shalom( God's Peace that passes all understanding)

[Margm]

"The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart: The secret anniversaries of the heart."  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

[kayc]

23 hours ago, TomPB said:

I feel that big time. Last summer going to the beach I felt like screaming "Doesn't anyone else go to the beach by themselves!?"

I do.  I wish I didn't live so far, I'd go every day.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

No he was not perfect............but he was perfect for me.

That is how I feel, Marg.  We didn't get an entire lifetime together like you and Billy, but I feel my life was fulfilled by having had him in it for the time that I did.  No time would be "enough", not five years, not fifty.  

[kayc]

Friday night I discovered my new wood stove has a crack in the glass.  It was never struck, I didn't cause it, but the company quoted me $270 to replace the glass.  They started reading the warranty about abuse disclaimer and I repeated to them I DID NOT ABUSE IT!  I FOLLOWED ALL OF THE INSTRUCTIONS!  I'm having to fight with them and I hate this.  They didn't make good on the wobbly thermostat and now I have to fight about this.  If George was alive, heaven help them!  I have no one to fight for me, no one to come to my aid, and Lord knows these people don't show respect to women.  12 1/2 years later I'm still missing my knight in shining armor.

[Cookie]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I understand what you are saying, Ana.  I think it is normal to feel why us?  We were just doing our thing, not bothering anyone, happy and not realizing  that each of our interests were founded in being with someone we love and was our best friend.  I don’t question why others still have it, but I am painfully remind me of what I have lost.  Did I take it for granted?  At times, yes.  Who could ever fathom the end?   It’s just not in our nature.  He would always be there was an unconscious foundation in my mind.   Now that he is not I see the countless ways we interacted.   The hardest for me is not what we physically did to run our lives, tho I miss that strong guy, it is not being able to talk about anything anymore.  The state of the world down to want to share some popcorn?  Miss the jokes and hugs.  The leaving knowing we would be home together later.  I’m sitting here right now on an iPad when I never needed nor wanted one because there were things to do like lunch together.  Now I stare out the window as I sit alone.  Yeah.....why us?

Yes, totally relate to this.....

[scba]

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 Each of us needs to learn, discover, and find our path through this grief healing journey.  

I struggle a lot with what I should learn that I could not have learned in a different way or through a different experience. Did I need this to learn something? What I've been ignorant about?

These are my spiritual questions, I accept I don't have an answer.

Shalom 

 

[Margm]

No one on here goes down the same path.  Everyone on here has terrible grief pain.  We just have to tackle this problem, and it is a problem, it is a life problem, it is a death problem, sometimes a spiritual problem, but it is our living problem.  I get help from other widows and widowers, the paths they follow.  I also have roadblocks trying to follow some paths.  When it all comes down to it, it is whatever path that gives you even one tiny slice of peace.  It is going to bed at night and sleeping through the night, even if it takes medication, because we know the next day we have to face the same problems, and how we handle them that day might be different.  Then one day you cannot handle the problem, so you cry, you sleep, or you try to put your mind some other place.  No real answers, only our own pace, slow, fast, or standing still.  

[iPraiseHim]

On 12/19/2017 at 1:25 PM, scba said:

I struggle a lot with what I should learn that I could not have learned in a different way or through a different experience. Did I need this to learn something? What I've been ignorant about?

These are my spiritual questions, I accept I don't have an answer.

Shalom 

 

I would have never chosen this path that I am on. 

I never thought, planned or predicted her death.  However, the reality is that she has died.  It has taken me a long time to get beyond  the Shock and Awe of it.  I couldn't imagine living one day without her by my side, yet it has been over a thousand days. 

Every day is a work in process and progress for me. In the beginning, even breathing, sleeping, eating, was a problem.  Through much help here, prayers, friends, reading, learning, journal-ling, praying, crying, etc.. I am learning how to deal with grief and healing on this journey.  

A year ago, I could not have imagined losing 110+lbs, living healthier, and having a rekindled passion for flying. It is a strange paradox to be grieving and having hope and passion at the same time.

I have learned that for me, FEELINGS are not always the facts but when I listen they will direct me to the truth. I have also learned that the way I feel is affected by what I eat, think, drink, how well I sleep, exercise, and take care of myself.  I have also learned that I need to take care of myself as well as I took care of the loved ones in my life.

I still have issues.  Loneliness plagues me and the family dynamics are tense at times.  There is only one friend that I can feel comfortable confiding in.  I need to change that and expand my horizons.  I still miss my beloved wife, Rose Anne, every single day.

I work on accepting life each day as it is and as it unfolds.  I still slip and slide.  However, I chose to get back up, dust myself off, and strive to move forward each day. My prayer is that you will find your path through as well. - Shalom, George

[Widowedbysuicide]

Love this George! ❤️

[kayc]

George,

When I retired, my body fell apart literally...it's like I kept going, going, going, for everyone else, and then when it was just me (no longer commuting/working), my body major rebelled and said "Pay attention to ME!".  I'm not losing by leaps and bounds like you, but I am ever so slowly losing weight.  I don't get to eat the foods I'd like anymore, but eat to be nourished.

Ana, 

You are so right, much of our life is learning.  I've learned not to ask why I have to be on this path to get the lesson, I just take it as it comes.  I try to glean what I can in the situation I'm in.  Sometimes I don't find any lessons, just try to get through the day.

[KarenK]

Had a less than joyful moment yesterday. I was channel surfing and landed on the Jewelry Channel which I sometimes peruse to break the monotony. They were presenting a gold pendant with an angel and the inscription "Always by your side". It was like the one I gave my daughter during her long battle with cancer. Needless to say, it does not enhance the Christmas spirit for me, which is non existent for me.  For the first time in my long life, there is not a single present under the little tree. Of course we all know, the presents we really want wouldn't fit there anyway.

Hope everyone has a peaceful holiday.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Karen  We never know when these things will hit us, or how hard the hits will be. Thinking of you, I am . . . ♥

[Margm]

I'm so sorry Karen.  Hugs to  you.  Hope you and the boys are okay.

[Margm]

Christmas and I thought it might be a good time to tackle a box.  First card was "my most meaningful card" written on the envelope.  I was not curious.  I closed the box and somehow feel like I escaped something.  I don't know what, but I'm not curious.  Too much excitement today.  Mental illness is hard on the family too.  I don't want her to think she is not loved.  But Scott tells the story of the beautiful snake.  You pick the snake up and it bites you.  You say, I just thought you were beautiful.  He says "but I'm a snake."  I'm so sad tonight.  I guess grief is mixed in, but this emotion is sadness for my daughter.  My genes gave her this illness, she did not ask for it. 

 

[Gin]

Marg,. So sorry things are so hard for you right now.  My one daughter had (still has, I guess) lots of problems for many years.  She had anorexia in her late teens and was in the hospital more than she was out.  It was so hard on the whole family.  It was probably one of the reasons her father and I got divorced.  Her father felt that she was doing this on purpose to hurt us.  Somehow, someway she rose above it.  She still has anxiety, but has a job she LOVES.  Works with disabled adults in a workshop.  She is responsible for about 15 autistic and disabled folks.  She loves them and she is well liked by them.  She has her own apartment and helps me every week or two.  But we went through hell with her for over 25 years.  I know it is hard, Marg.  We want them so much to be happy .  

[Margm]

That is all we want Gin, for them to be happy.  I put TMI in my notes.  This is a grief forum and I sure wish I had Billy with me at all times, he was lots better than Xanax. But, he would get aggravated at me because I worried all the time.  When he was dying he said "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes."  I would not talk death, only miracles.   We had had them before, we were going to again.  I am only now getting some of my magical, mystical imaginations back and they are so tenuous all it takes is a word, a bad mood from my kids, worry about my sister, my granddaughter and that black dog that followed Churchill, he starts following me.  I think he follows most of us on this forum.  I think I was born to worry, that is my "calling" while I am alive.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, KarenK said:

They were presenting a gold pendant with an angel and the inscription "Always by your side". It was like the one I gave my daughter during her long battle with cancer.

Karen,

I'm sorry for the trigger.  This is a hard time of year for those of us who are missing our someone special.  They're predicting freezing rain and snow Christmas morning, so it looks like I'll be home alone on Christmas again this year, missing my grandbabies.  Haven't heard from my daughter since Thanksgiving. 

I think your daughter is by your side, I don't know much about how this stuff works but I do believe their spirits continue, while it's hard for them to do certain things because of not having their physical bodies, so they also aren't limited by them, so I like to think they visit us, who knows.  Anyway, I invite George to be with me as I watch Christmas movies...

Thinking of you...I only have a present under the tree from my sister.  I have another sister in the hospital, hard time of year to get through.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm so sad tonight.  I guess grief is mixed in, but this emotion is sadness for my daughter.  My genes gave her this illness, she did not ask for it. 

 

Marg,

We aren't responsible for the genes we got or gave, this is random luck of the draw, nothing anyone did or intended.  I'm sorry for all of you, because it affects not just the one who has it, but all who love them.  I wish I could wipe away your sadness.  I feel sad because my daughter does not call me or respond to my texts.  It's not like we're estranged, she's like that with everyone in the family, both sides.  It breaks all our hearts, and I don't understand it.  It's gone on for years.  Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she doesn't get real, she just says she's been busy or her phone doesn't work.  She got a new phone this year, and hey, everyone has some time off, it only takes a second to reply to a text, but she won't get real.  None of us have a clue except it just seems when she turned 18 she left her family behind.  I used to call her my Holiday Girl because that is the only time I'd see her, now even that is less and less.

I hope your Christmas goes well and your daughter is stable.

[Margm]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

I don't understand it

You know we both have tried to understand it.  I am afraid that Billy and I did not teach our little birds how to fly.  The boy goes through holiday depression, he is a rapid cycle bipolar and sometimes the moods last longer than others.  My daughter has let prescribed drugs, going from one shrink to another in different towns, different states, she will not like the diagnosis and find another.  In the meantime, the dangerous psychotropic drugs did their damage.  She has diabetes now because of one of the drugs and violence has been a part of all this.  But, she is 50 now.  What do I do?  This will be two Christmases she has missed because of her "hatred" of me at this time.  You don't ever tell her "no" and I suppose at age 50, it is a hard pill to swallow,, and no pun intended.  Billy, my son , no sister and my granddaughter say to ignore her.  Sure hard to do.  I wish your daughter would surprise you by calling.  We do the best we can with what we have.