If You're Going Through Hell

[TomPB]

On 12/21/2017 at 3:03 PM, KarenK said:

Had a less than joyful moment yesterday. I was channel surfing and landed on the Jewelry Channel which I sometimes peruse to break the monotony. They were presenting a gold pendant with an angel and the inscription "Always by your side". It was like the one I gave my daughter during her long battle with cancer. Needless to say, it does not enhance the Christmas spirit for me, which is non existent for me.  For the first time in my long life, there is not a single present under the little tree. Of course we all know, the presents we really want wouldn't fit there anyway.

Hope everyone has a peaceful holiday.

Boy do I relate to that. I have a picture of Susan and me standing side by side at our wedding, so young and so uncertain of what we were getting into. When I look at it I think exactly those words "Always by my side" and she was, for 48 years, whether on the boat or dealing with one of life's situations or walking holding on to my arm. I have another wedding picture where she is holding her father's are exactly like she would hold mine as we walked around Boston. People would say they could tell how much we loved each other just from the way we walked. I'd be sure to meet her if ice or snow was on the ground so she could hold on. Rehabbing from her hip replacement she said she realized that she didn't need a cane because she had her "🐼cane". Now sometimes I hold my elbow out like I would do and pretend she's there, careful not to go too fast...but she's not.

Just cancelled her phone line, finally. Didn't want to keep paying verizon $20/mo for a line that's not used. Didn't think it would hurt so much after 9 ms and intending to do it for some time but have not been able to stop crying. 

[Gin]

Tom,. I know how you feel.  We want things like they used to be.  Today my daughter came over to help me get "ready" for Christmas.  I will never be ready any more.  Al played the mandolin and they are in their cases next to the loveseat.  She later told me that she put them in the closet out of the way.  Well, guess what is coming out tonight.  In the way.

[Margm]

I have to make myself go to the SS place to cancel what is left of our joint checking.  I did the big part a couple of years ago, put our retirement into a credit union where I live, but I hang onto that little SS checking account because his name is on it.  I will never change our Kindle account.  He used it more than I did for a very long time.  Oh, and all gifts are signed "Daddy and Mama" or Billy and Marg" because it was his money first.  I will never forget buying my first item with that first check.  It was a purse I needed, but I cried because I was using his money too.  He would not have cared if I bought 50 of them, but our thrift shop in our little town had such a big amount to choose from for 50 cents to one dollar.  I just didn't care about purses, but this one has a place for the personal items the hospital gave me, his socks, etc.  And that is where I keep them.

 

[Gwenivere]

 I’m going to let our PO Box expire.  Steve got it long ago for a business he had and then for his band.  He set up all our financial and medical stuff to go there and used it when ordering things so there were often packages as he was an Amazon junkie.  I’ve switched everything to our house.  I didn’t think something so small would tear me up, but it is/was a daily routine.  Used to walk down before the arthritis on nice with one of the dogs. I’ve done so effectively well it is usually empty....kinda an analogy to how I feel inside. I don’t even really know why I did it beyond it 'seemed' superfluous.  

I inquired years ago about getting the bank accounts all in my name, but aside from I would have to change all the numbers (and I do so much bill management online so major hassle updating that) I didn’t want to erase his name.  So my checks still have both us of us and I get 2 cards which is handy to have in my desk and has his name.  

I did shut off his cell phone for use but it still gets messages from companies and he even had band reminders set up thru this yea4 and beyond.  I just leave it plugged in by his keys.  Our Go Daddy account was in his name, but I had to call about an issue and they changed it to me.  

I don’t know why we make some of the decisions we do.  Mine I did when I felt like some sort of superhero widow.  When that wears off I see how painful these things are.  We don’t erase them from our hearts, but these other things do sting big time.  Stir up thier being here with us and how much bigger/fuller our lives were.  It’s like being ground down more by the boot of loneliness.

[kayc]

It's hard canceling anything with their name on it.  When George died, my daughter took over his cellphone so it didn't need canceled, she paid me and I paid AT&T.  Years later she took over the account when I canceled my line.  Six months ago her friend put her on her plan and she got a different number, so 12 years after George died, his phone number was retired.  I was surprised how much it hurt, even all those years later.

Tom, sometimes phone companies will give you credit for the unused months when you explain to them that the person died and it was just so hard to cancel it.

Gwen, I canceled our PO Box when I was out of work a few years ago.  It was his birth day of month and year of birth (1454) so it had all the more meaning.  His was the first letter I ever got in it.  That's how we met, I'd written a letter to the editor and he looked up my contact information and wrote to me.  Years later when I met my friend Jim, his birth day and year were also the same, 1454.

Marg, we do our best by our kids, no figuring out how it goes from there.  I can honestly say I deserved mother of the year award, not distanced from like I've gotten.  It is what it is.

[Margm]

I'm starting over in my "Grief One Day at a Time" by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  That's okay, I don't remember reading it last year, but I am sure I did.  January 3rd (tomorrow) is written by Sylvia Plath, and although I really do not know that much about her life, I do know she was depressed a lot and finally took her own life.  Oh, I have been down that path before.  Chronic depressives might ought not to write.  I like reading about the life of the poets.  I love autobiographies and have all my life, or biographies.  Makes you feel like you know someone, even if you don't. 

"On this bald hill the new year hones its edge.
 Faceless and pale as china
 The round sky goes on minding its business.
 Your absence is inconspicuous;
 Nobody can tell what I lack."

I think we write from our grief, sometimes grief and depression gives us words.  Words do not heal.  Actually, I think this might have come after some disaster in her life.  My son, when he is going through his depression can paint pictures that show his mood, and those pictures have sold because it showed other people's moods too.  It would be nice to paint a picture of a field of flowers, or a poem of happiness.  One of our professors got on the elevator with me one day and I complimented him on the children's book he had just had published.  I said I used to do a little writing, but it was usually after amphetamines.  He said his writings were after rum.  

We do what we can with what we have.  Sylvia Plath usually makes me more depressed. Daughter stayed with us for over a week but got angry and left about midnight last night.  Not a good way to start the new year.  "All God's children got troubles."  Going to a new apartment by herself, so maybe she can find herself.  That is what a friend told me "now you can find yourself."  I quit looking for myself about menopause.  

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

January 3rd (tomorrow) is written by Sylvia Plath, and although I really do not know that much about her life, I do know she was depressed a lot and finally took her own life.  Oh, I have been down that path before.  Chronic depressives might ought not to write.

She may have something valid to say even though she was depressed.  It's sad that she gave in to her depression and took her life.  I guess if her writing made me more depressed, I'd skip it.  I like to protect my mind as I can relate to depressive feelings and have to work hard on remaining upbeat.  I see it as a choice we determine and work at, I know others don't feel that way because they haven't found their own way to fight it yet.  I get that too.

[Margm]

I think most of our poets and artists suffered from some depression.  Melancholy.  I believe the bipolar people usually have some exceptional artistic ability.  Winston Churchill gave into his "black dog" often.  My hero from this part of the country, a journalist teacher, professor, Wiley Hilburn wrote often of the "black dog."  I wish, if I was going to suffer from it, I had been given the talents of the poets, composers, artists, statesmen and comedians, actors, and other people who suffered from it.  I'm afraid I am just plain "Joe" from Al Capp's own miseries.  And, my readings have almost all been from people with loss.  But, perhaps reading uplifting things,, watching "Grace and Frankie", "The Golden Girls," is the way to improve attitudes.  Certainly laughter is probably one of the best medicines.

[Margm]

I went to see one of Billy's lifetime friends and his wife in the nursing home.  It has taken me awhile to break away from same old, same old.  My son "loves" (his words) his new apartment.  He does not know how to handle things on his own yet.  My daughter moves to hers Friday.  I hope she feels the same way he does.  It helped me to get out of myself.  My family keeps me in such an up-tight time that I guess I enclose myself trying to get away.  Billy's friend looks the same only years older, of course.  He thinks he can do things that he cannot.  He has had two strokes and is bedridden but his mind thinks he can still do things.  And I can see and hear Billy, I remember the exact room, telling me if I was gone all the worry would be on them.  I would have hated leaving him with so much worry.  

I wanted ice cream, went outside, decided not to go.  No snow, just bone chill.  That is hard to warm up.  You can be cold without bone chill, I hate it when even your bones are cold.

 

[Margm]

y'all all please don't think I am making light of snow.  My cousin lives off lake Michigan and sends me pictures.  All my girls that I typed with knew that when it snowed in Arkansas I was ready for it.  Condensed milk, vanilla flavoring, Pet or Carnation milk to thin it and you have snow ice cream, Billy's favorite ice cream.  I packed the freezer cause living on somewhat of a mountain, we got plenty a couple of times a year.  I got it out  of the back of the truck mostly.  I heard all the bad things about it, but it was a treat we did not get often in Louisiana.  (I do not miss it) and will never make snow ice cream again.  

I'm sorry for all of your weather troubles.  I hope your car is okay George.  You all please be careful.  

[DaveM]

Marg, we made snowcream the whole time I was growing up. Mom never made it with the first several hours of snow. She would clean off the picnic table after 2-3 hours, then make snowcream from what fell next. I only made it 2 or 3 times in all the rest of my life, but what a good memory.

[Margm]

I know.  My mom used granulated sugar.  Then when Billy and I got to Arkansas we introduced it (the condensed milk kind) to two 90+ year old trailer park residents and they loved it so much.  At one time, one of the ice cream companies came out with it and one of the chicken companies had it in their ice cream.  It was Billy's favorite.  I would freeze it in the deep freeze in the garage and then bring it in, put it in the blender with a little milk and it was fresh again.  It is a good memory of Billy.  But, from my childhood (and did not happen often in Louisiana), Mama's was too granulated.  

[Margm]

Some times I come here, empty out my heart and mind, and then I go up and delete it.  I have written all I care to say.  It is said.  It is gone.  I give out TMI in my word salads.  This little box has become my psychotherapist.......then, on to next patient. 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, do you really think there is such a thing as TMI here?  I understand feeling like I just don’t know what to say anymore because either I or someone else has.  But I know I can come here and do that.  Even if only for myself.  I woke up to another day of despair and indescribable loneliness.   My body wracked with pain.  I feel like I blew a doctors appointment yesterday because that habit kicked in to appear stronger than I am.  I didn’t tell her how I don’t want to be here anymore.  That was what my counselor said I really needed to convey.  My guess is I felt I had things in perspective, like I do when around people.   Now I have to write her which is never as good as being face to face.    She helped with the anxiety meds, but I didn’t tell the despondency beyond getting through the holidays, which was no minor feat in itself.  Is it because I hate seeing myself this way?  A situation I can’t get a grip on?  I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.  Never had no one I could turn to.  I’ve never thought about my mother so much in years.  How she did what he did, comfort without words necessary.  I get so tired of talking.  I was used to comfort first, talking later.  There is a step missing.  All I am left with is my feelings and words.  No one to say.....It will be OK.  Maybe it is the fear it never will be.  I was told all my life how strong I was and I was.  That has all changed now.  I was super Gwen the first year Steve was gone.  Then the reality hit.  It took that strength.  I hate feeling this way, a shadow of myself.  Ticking off the hours of another day with no purpose.  Over and over.  I didn’t need to create variations in my life.  I don’t know how or want to.  I loved that they happened by the simple act of loving another human being so strongly and them returning it.  Two minds that were filled with ideas.  Before that bond was created, I loved being on my own.  The independence.  Now it is a prison.  

 Add some dressing to this and my salad is made for the day.

[Margm]

Gwen, I don't know if we can call it "strong."  I think I heard one time a phrase that this guy said a lot and dammit, well "It is what it is," and that just stuck with me.  We are either "it is what it is" or we are jello and give up.  And, you, me, him, her, they, them all have been in that place.  I talk to Billy when it gets too hard.  "Billy, please help me find the Town and Country Nursing Home so I can go see Bill."  And viola.....there is the T&C Nursing Home.  Of course it had not moved and this is only a small town of about 11,000 or 12,000, so it has been where it always has been.  But, I like to think he helped me, like finding his wedding ring nugget.  Like us reading his last book together, then my mind turned to wax and I could not comprehend stop signs unless I just made myself.  We aren't strong, we exist, we might not want to, but we just do, each day, another day, another week.  Easier?  Probably not.  Numb probably and we keep moving like zombies.  Sometimes I see older people stooped over, dragging their feet, with walkers, with canes, and I know if I live that is in my future.  Heck, I even shopped for a shower stool.  The only kind I found were ones with a back on them.  I walk a little straighter, hold myself up without a stoop, climb those steps (slowly), and I think of Shakespeare 's  "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."  

But by golly, we are making it.  What "it" is, I don't know.  We gripe, we complain, we cry, we stumble along, but like the fellow (was it Darrel?), we put one foot in front of the other.  I just have to watch not to drag my sneakers.  That almost throws me down sometimes.  I have to learn to pick my feet up.  

[Gin]

Marge,   I already bought my shower stool.  I could open a medical supply store.  2 walkers with seats, 1 without seat, 3 canes (1 with 4 little feet), peddler.  At least 4 knee braces, hand brace and who knows how much more.  I can stock all my family and friends!   Need something?

 

[Margm]

Gin, I lost weight right after Billy left but I have gained 30 pounds since then.  I am going to need something to carry my big behind around.  On top of that all my pants are getting shorter.  Do you think I am growing?  I kinda think my "behind" is pulling my pants shorter.  I have got to do something or I will eat myself to death.  Well............what a way to go.  You know I get to eat all the bad stuff, cake, ice cream, cookies, fried foods, mashed potatoes, gravy.  Yeah, they are on my low residue diet........and white rice.  I have not had a salad since 2014, March.  Am I bitching too much?

Gin, I'm not bragging.  There is fear in this.  Kind of like crying until you cannot breathe and thinking it would just be so easy to just not breathe.  (I have a bag of Cheetos hidden in my desk drawer).  They are corn and I am not supposed to eat corn.  Brianna would fuss and take them away and throw them away.  I eat them when she is asleep.  Maybe this is my second childhood.  

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

.....  I have got to do something or I will eat myself to death.  Well............what a way to go.  You know I get to eat all the bad stuff, cake, ice cream, cookies, fried foods, mashed potatoes, gravy.  Yeah, they are on my low residue diet........and white rice.  I have not had a salad since 2014, March.  Am I bitching too much?

Gin, I'm not bragging.  There is fear in this.  Kind of like crying until you cannot breathe and thinking it would just be so easy to just not breathe.  (I have a bag of Cheetos hidden in my desk drawer).  They are corn and I am not supposed to eat corn.  Brianna would fuss and take them away and throw them away.  I eat them when she is asleep.  Maybe this is my second childhood.  

My personal Christian viewpoint expressed....

Marg, I understand well your dilemma.  I have used food and ate all of those things.  Since following the LCHF (Ketogenic) way of eating I have lost 115lbs in this last year. I have done much research and by prayer and curiosity have found what works for my body.  There is not only ONE way of Eating that helps EVERYONE though.  Each of our bodies are different.

 

I saw a video last week discussing this very topic.  Then I saw an for:

https://habit.com/

Through scientific testing and super computers, People are now able to find out what foods are goods and what foods hinder you.  

Marg, you will need to discover your WHY.

For me, it is this crazy dream of wanting to fly an airplane and get my private license.

For you it will be whatever stirs your imagination and desire to dream, hope, and plan for the future.

 

I believe since we are all still here we need to "get busy living".  It takes time, grief work, and healing but we can do it.  This is our Free Will.  No, I don't always feel like it but every day here on Earth is a gift from our Heavenly Father. His Word says that if we ask Him with all we have he will give us the desires of our heart according to His Will.

We are to keep pressing forward to the mark up to the Day that he calls us home.  Please discover your WHY. - Shalom 

 

[Brad]

George,

i really do appreciate your post and believe that for most it would be sage advice. Both Marg and I are on low residue diets; me for my Crohn’s and Marg for the damage done via chemo and cancer (I’m assuming). Low residue diets significantly limit the types of foods one can eat. I describe to others as anything that is healthy I can’t touch: no fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, whole grains, leafy plants; anything the doctors tell the rest of you to eat. We have to limit what and how we eat. I’ve had five trips to the ER in the past two years. What sent me there? apple skins, grape skins, potato skins, (I’m a slow learner). I can have apple sauce, white bread and rice, most meats, canned veggies as long as I mix them with other goods and not too much, potatoes without skins; anything low in fiber and processed. The diet is restrictive and BORING. It also is not conducive to weight loss. I tried tracking calories for over a year. According to my app I should have been losing two pounds a week for that time based on exercise (50 + miles a week hiking) and avg 1800 calories a day. Instead of losing excess of 100 pounds I gained five. I also think that meds played a factor as well. 

I hope this helps to clarify. 

[Gin]

George,  I wish I could discover my Why.  I want to live in God's purpose, but I just have not discovered it yet!   Grief has encompassed me and the body is not cooperating.  I pray to find my purpose for the time I have left. I am willing, just need a shove in the right  direction.

 

[Margm]

Wow Brad, you do know that diet.  Actually, what it limits us in mostly is fiber.  Most people want/need fiber.  My dietitian decided to call Dr. Webb and see if we could vary the diet up some.  Now, this doctor has had to go to anger training.  (I love him).  But, when she called me I could tell he had told her how "the cow ate the cabbage."  She was sorta unbelievable but she did tell me that I could add wheat bread now occasionally.  (It has gotten to be funny it is so ridiculous), the diet I mean.  And the doctor!  Can you imagine a doctor telling you that a patient scared him?  He scheduled no followup either.  I think Brad has eaten more things than allowed (perhaps that was the ER visits he mentions from the skins of fruits).  I make a package of Cheetos last me a long time (unless Brianna finds them and throws them away).  No corn.  (Yet grits are allowed).  They do have some fiber and I can make corn bread with them, but without the southern foods it is senseless.  

George, since March of 2014, with the colon rupture and sepsis, he (surgeon) rebuilt me something beside a colostomy.  All his consults with other docs told him colostomy, (GYN doc told me this) and at one time he considered a hyperbaric oxygen chamber as a possibility of helping heal the damage the radiation had done.  It was a little risky because of my age.  My GYN doc told me that they could do a D&C but if they found anything they could not fix it.  So, at first I felt like a walking time bomb.  But, even though the foods are unhealthy and calorie heavy, I could exercise, and I don't, shame on me for that.  My insides are so damaged they will not hold a stitch or patch of any kind.  

But, I think if I did discover my "why" I could get some of the weight off.  I understand that.  Hey, it freed me up from those confounded women's exams, and all you women know my relief for that.  

I have been able to hold the weight down and not gain anymore.  I do good with a Boost or Ensure for breakfast and take vegetable and fruit supplements in capsules.  And every night MiraLax and take my temperature.  I guess I do pretty good for the shape I'm in.  I don't think Billy or anyone figured I would outlive him, and I, of course, wish that too.  

George, I am so proud of  you for losing all that weight.  It also gives you sort of a new lease on life, even though it is a sad one, at least you feel better health-wise. Brad, Billy and I used to hike and it was easy to keep the weight down, but our hikes did not even touch your mileage.  '

(But I can still have my word salads)  TMI

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I didn’t tell the despondency beyond getting through the holidays

Is it because I hate seeing myself this way?

Gwen, I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me four pages of "old age questions" (as I call them) about depression, sleep, falling, self-care, etc.  I didn't tell them my struggles with anxiety in the night although I did say I couldn't fall back to sleep when I wake up.  I didn't tell them about the feelings of growing old alone, etc.  I'm doing the best I can with it, I get out, I take anti-anxiety medicine, I walk twice a day, I eat healthy, what more can I or they do for me?  I don't want to go on something strong that leaves me feeling like a zombie and in the end I doubt it'd curb these feelings anyway.  It is what it is, this is my life now.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

"It is what it is,"

That's kind of my feelings.  Not much we can do to change it but to learn how best to live with it.

[Brad]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

I don't think Billy or anyone figured I would outlive him, and I, of course, wish that too.  

There was no question in either of our minds: Deedo would outlive me by many years.  I was hoping to live long enough to get the kids out of the house.  Having been on life-support twice before forty I knew I would not make it close to fifty.  Stupid me.  But since one of us had to leave far too soon, I am glad that it wasn't Deedo left behind.  With her eyesight she would have become dependent far too soon and that would have destroyed her.  Additionally, I would hate to see her endure the pain that we are all living through.  That would destroy me.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

(I have a bag of Cheetos hidden in my desk drawer).  They are corn and I am not supposed to eat corn.  Brianna would fuss and take them away and throw them away.  I eat them when she is asleep. 

Haha!  My craving was always Doritos, not the kind with the heat in it, just the regular kind, I loved them.  Still do but I've had to put that out of my mind.  But my kids, growing up, knew my hiding place.  They loved "catching me" after they'd gone to bed and the house was quiet.  I've given up all of the foods I loved and can't have and have changed over to healthy things I'm supposed to eat.  It's taken me since September just to lose 20 pounds.  I have another 40 I could lose, not sure it'll ever happen but I figure whatever I lose from here on out is frosting on the cake, right?  My goal isn't to look good, I think it's too late for that, but to "be healthier" and that's something I can always work on.  You have it harder because all of the healthy foods are on your no-no list.  Have you talked to a nutritionist to help you figure out a good day-in, day-out diet that would be helpful to you?