Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

If You're Going Through Hell


Recommended Posts

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

My personal Christian viewpoint expressed....

Marg, I understand well your dilemma.  I have used food and ate all of those things.  Since following the LCHF (Ketogenic) way of eating I have lost 115lbs in this last year. I have done much research and by prayer and curiosity have found what works for my body.  There is not only ONE way of Eating that helps EVERYONE though.  Each of our bodies are different.

 

I saw a video last week discussing this very topic.  Then I saw an for:

https://habit.com/

Through scientific testing and super computers, People are now able to find out what foods are goods and what foods hinder you.  

Marg, you will need to discover your WHY.

For me, it is this crazy dream of wanting to fly an airplane and get my private license.

For you it will be whatever stirs your imagination and desire to dream, hope, and plan for the future.

 

I believe since we are all still here we need to "get busy living".  It takes time, grief work, and healing but we can do it.  This is our Free Will.  No, I don't always feel like it but every day here on Earth is a gift from our Heavenly Father. His Word says that if we ask Him with all we have he will give us the desires of our heart according to His Will.

We are to keep pressing forward to the mark up to the Day that he calls us home.  Please discover your WHY. - Shalom  :wub:

 

Discover our "why", that's for sure!  When I was a Prism Weight Loss Director (ha, yeah, ME!...that was before George died) we probed all of those underlying issues, why we ate like we did, what are the voids we're trying to fill, etc. etc.  This is why diets work only temporarily, we can lose the weight but then go right back to filling the voids, etc. again and gain it all back with a vengeance.  It's important to learn why we do what we do, otherwise we're using a bandaid instead of major surgery.  Funny how you can learn all this, and know it with your brain but find you need to "relearn" and "redo" it all again years later!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

Have you talked to a nutritionist

Yep.  She is the one who called me and I could hear in her voice that she was "shell-shocked."  This doctor saved my life and he worked on ways to save me so hard.  And he did tell me to my face "you scare me."  But, he did not give up until he saw a fixable solution.  Interventional radiology had to put in the device and they and other doctors did not think it would work.  In fact, one of the doctors called me later on to find out how it was working.  They did not call him.  He was such a character (the surgeon) that I think he scared people, hence the anger management class for him.  He just told Billy that he was not a huggable person.  He was to me.  After all this I was at the desk while he was filling out orders and I asked him should I keep my colonoscopy appointment that had been made before the rupture.  The look that he gave me spoke volumes.  I then scattered out of his way like a little mouse on the floor.  We have such adventures in life don't we?  I have nothing but respect for his surgeon skills and his sticktoativity.  My young friend had breast cancer and he was her doctor.  He told her that he was not going to let her die.  I did not care what kind of personality he had.  One other doctor had diagnosed me wrong and he was a younger surgeon.  I had worked typing my surgeon's reports, I knew his reputation and would not have chosen him, just like he would not have chosen me, but he was the surgeon on call (thank goodness) when the ambulance brought me in.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I read a couple of worrisome notes last night on here.  I answered with one of my long word salads and then when I read them, my only thought was "you have a  hard time helping yourself, how can you be so grandiose that you think you can help someone else.?"  So, I did what my "little bug-self" usually does and I deleted.  Someone that is in such a deep depression, my trying to bring them to the surface of the water to save their life is just like it would be in the analogy, we both would drown, I cannot swim.  I can write empty words, but I cannot help anyone when it is so hard to help myself.  The onslaught of Billy's pictures today seems to help my daughter.  They rip the scar tissue off of me, so I won't go to the social forum she posts them.  She knows it hurts me, but it seems to help her, so I will just hide from the social network for awhile.  On this forum, what helps one person does not help the next person.  Jumping in to save a drowning person is noble, but foolish, when you cannot swim yourself.  

I admire all you people who have to shovel this snow.  In Arkansas the roads would melt pretty fast and I would take my  trekking sticks to be able to walk to the car if I had to  go somewhere.  

They had the steps and porch salted down with rock salt.  I finally got to Walmart and their salt was depleted except for kosher salt and I bought two containers of that.  I resalted my path to my door and brought the groceries in.  The elderly couple next to me finally got out and neither would brave the steps but went around the building.  I hope climate change is not going to gift Louisiana with more snow.  It was so cold that the drains that ran the melted snow off the roof froze into black sheets of ice.  

Take care folks.  I have not looked at the news, but I hope the government opens up for all those that won't get paid.  Such a calamity.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marg:  I love your word salads.  Wish I had the gift.  When I read some of the posts here of such sorrow and depression, I always can relate somewhat because I've been there off and on myself through this whole thing and continue to be.  I know that what a person writes at the moment may not be where they are down the road.  That's what helps me I guess, knowing that all things change and who knows what is around the corner.  But, I feel such compassion for the pain here, as I have it myself and at least you can express it here, where you can't usually to most people wherever you are.  If you can, that's wonderful.  I just happen to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't get it, many couples, bless them.....Cookie

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cookie, I think we probably both suffered our loss in 2015..  I see those numbers anywhere and to me it is the symbol of the devil as much as 666.  Grief hits us all so different, but the blow that we absorb is the same.  I think we all suffer the same, but the way we go about things is different......sometimes.  I hope those with recent losses can read each of our notes at the different times and realize that we have made it going into the 3rd year from 2015.  And the hurt, and the pain, and sometimes the question of "why" is said to an empty room.  We don't any of us have answers, we all suffer from the grief, it is almost like being zombies.  We are all dead inside, but we have to make some semblance of showing we can "put one foot in front of the other" although sometimes I just need something to catch me, to lean against before I hit the floor.  

I was getting the kosher salt off the bottom shelf in Walmart.  It was stuck in the back of the shelf.  I had to get on my knees to reach it.  Then it hit me.  "You have to stand back up."  I couldn't.  I grabbed the shopping cart and it would just drag me.  When did this happen???  I was in a panic.  No one was in the aisle thank goodness, because I had to crawl up to the handle of the shopping cart.  Now that was terror.  All my friends have had knee replacements.  Mine do not hurt, but obviously they have a hard time lifting my behind off the floor.  I do know things have to change.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Cookie, I think we probably both suffered our loss in 2015..  I see those numbers anywhere and to me it is the symbol of the devil as much as 666.  Grief hits us all so different, but the blow that we absorb is the same.  I think we all suffer the same, but the way we go about things is different......sometimes.  I hope those with recent losses can read each of our notes at the different times and realize that we have made it going into the 3rd year from 2015.  And the hurt, and the pain, and sometimes the question of "why" is said to an empty room.  We don't any of us have answers, we all suffer from the grief, it is almost like being zombies.  We are all dead inside, but we have to make some semblance of showing we can "put one foot in front of the other" although sometimes I just need something to catch me, to lean against before I hit the floor.  

I was getting the kosher salt off the bottom shelf in Walmart.  It was stuck in the back of the shelf.  I had to get on my knees to reach it.  Then it hit me.  "You have to stand back up."  I couldn't.  I grabbed the shopping cart and it would just drag me.  When did this happen???  I was in a panic.  No one was in the aisle thank goodness, because I had to crawl up to the handle of the shopping cart.  Now that was terror.  All my friends have had knee replacements.  Mine do not hurt, but obviously they have a hard time lifting my behind off the floor.  I do know things have to change.  

Marg:  Yes, 2015....I have an avoidance of that year and worse still the day, June 13.  My birthday is December 13th; can you believe that...just the number sets me back.  I've thought about changing my birthday.  I would rather have a birthday in the spring or summer anyway.  I've made it these 2 plus years but at times don't feel like I can go on, but I do.  That had to be terrible, not being able to get up; real terror is right.  The way I can relate to that is after this surgery I've had, I got out to do my 10-minute walk (unbelievable--was walking 2 hours) and when it was time to head back to the car, felt like I might not make it.  I've always been very athletic and never had any problems doing what I wanted physically.  What a wake-up call.   I start worrying about what will happen if I don't get my strength back, etc.  I actually had this arthroscopic surgery hoping it would save me from a total knee replacement down the road.  Hopefully, it will. 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marg,

I just want to say that you may think you have nothing to offer anyone else since you feel you aren't there yourself, but I disagree.  Serve up your word salads if you will, you never know when one of them might just be what someone needs to hear.  Like Cookie said, sometimes just having someone that we know "gets it" means a lot.

  • Like 7
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today is my beloved's birthday.  I always made a big deal over Al's birthday.  We would always have an Unbirthday party for everyone else on that day.  (His idea)  We would go shopping at the Dollar store and get silly gifts for all...kids and grow ups.  Wrap them in newspaper  and write little poems on each.  All got 2 gifts.  The kids especially loved it.  On his 75th we had a big party and had to do this for about 20+ people.  Always lots of fun.  My hobby was photography, so I have at least 20 albums from our 16 years together.  I have a hard time looking at pics.  They are great memories, but it still hurts so very much to know they are over.  I will try again to look at them.  Not been too successfull in the past.  He has been gone since Oct. 2015 and I miss him so much.

 

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gin, Happy Birthday to Al.  I know today is going to be hard, but what you shared about his unbirthday for others was great.  I know memories hurt, but at least we do have them.  Pictures are hard for me to look at also, there are only a few I can look at that don't make me completely break down.  Sending you a big hug, Joyce

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gin, Cookie, at the first of our marriage Billy was such a (I'm looking for the word), I cannot put what comes to mind, but he thought the marriage was 75/25, and you know what part was mine.  He forgot important dates, (except his own)..........okay, the word is male chauvinist.  (He also was such a kid still, and so was I).  I would give hints about anniversaries, birthdays, etc.  Our first Valentine day his sister picked me out a card and candy for him.  One year our daughter picked out my present......and card.....for him.  Finally, I got tired of reminding him.  I thought, well he is such an exceptional father, he is a good provider (worked two jobs all the time), and I will quit hounding him with hints, etc.  Also, I quit making a big deal out of his birthday and special days.  Our daughter married and her husband was the worse male chauvinist I have ever seen.  I saw her go through the motions I had gone through, and so did Billy.  All of a sudden he became very attentive with special dates, but it was too late for me.  I forgot to get him a card for our 50th anniversary.  I was working and that special date just slipped my mind.  I feel so bad about that now.  He bought me so much stuff,  but my new transcription job, in my home, took up all my time.  Payback is a bitch, and I was one, but was not trying to pay  him back, it honestly just slipped my mind.  I took him for granted.  Oh the things we think about after they are gone.  

Gin, I know this is a hurtful date, we all have such a string of hurtful dates.  I'm sorry.  

Addendum:  And we lost our mates on the same month and year.  Another date carved in stone, literally.  The pictures though.......I cannot do it.  It is a knife to the heart.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Oh the things we think about after they are gone.  

Gin, I know this is a hurtful date, we all have such a string of hurtful dates.  I'm sorry.  

The pictures though.......I cannot do it.  It is a knife to the heart.

It’s because we have so much t8e, IMO, there are so many things to 'think' about rather than be doing.  I was always doing something to keep the house running as a family lived here.   And the things I have to do now are new to me, the things he always did and I don’t.like doing them.  But my role isn’t nrcessary anymore.  

My thoughts are with you too, Gin.

pictures ARE so very hard.  Music too.  Watching TV and movies he would have enjoyed, eating alone.  The silence. Heck, it’s all hard and painful.  Waking up knowing this is how it is going to be with no hope it will ever come back is the hardest thing for me.  Every morning I fold the covers back on my side and am done.  Pristine on his side.    He took naps while I was out sometimes so would have to do it again.  Same with the couch after TV time.  Sometimes he would come back again too.  All I have now is my chair from when the dogs use it to straighten out the cover.  All were sign# of life.  Pictures are too intense a reminder.  We have a family wall with so many of us smiling, together or with others.  Those people (him and I) are gone now.  I have only looked at them when I have had some wine and can cry to go to sleep.  Can’t take looking at that half of my reason for living that is gone. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gwen, I have "advanced" a little.  I have one picture with our faces touching, looking at ??? but laughing, both of us, and we always were serious and mean looking in our pictures, like the man and woman below.  I put it over his urn and it is what I see, a happy Billy and a happy me.  My daughter enlarged it and put it in a frame for me for Christmas because it is the only one I will look at.  

Of course, I do have someone to do things for, and I get scared because I want her to be able to do things on her own without being scared.  So many mistakes put on a child, a bio-mom on drugs and then, I won't go into the other.  So, I have a reason to go on.  I did not know I would be getting that reason, but I do not begrudge her anything.  I love her because, and not the only reason, but Billy loved her so much.  

I hurt a lot, sometimes when I am alone I might cry and I keep paper towel roll by my chair because I do even cry at commercials.  

My heart is with all of us for trying to find reasons to make it through the day.  I guess I can start watching Grace and Frankie all over from first season.  They are so outlandish I laugh out loud, and there is a little bit of truth in their shows.  They have aches and pains, and problems.  Life is not a TV show though.  

somnolent.jpg

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

Our first Valentine day his sister picked me out a card and candy for him.

Marg, I've got one that can top that.  When I was married the first time, my husband and I were in BiMart and there was a big valentine display of boxes of chocolate.  He asked my favorite, I pointed to a red one.  He asked my second favorite, I pointed to a pink one.  I was excited he was going to get me one.  Then I found out he gave the red one to his mom and the pink one to his mistress.  I was telling my neighbor friends about it on Valentine's Day and my friend's husband left and came back and plopped down a cheap small box of chocolates, I thought it was sweet, but his wife feigned being mad at him because he hadn't bought her any!  :D
I guess I should feel complimented that he appreciated my good taste.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our first Valentine's day when we were dating I got a medium sized box of chocolates, heart shaped.  He came in and an old boyfriend had sent by mail a huge, tremendously huge lilac silk box of candy with flowers on top.  Really PO'd him.  But, truly the best present he ever gave me was red sparkle plastic fishing worms put into heart shapes in a new fishing box.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Talking about Valentine's Day, my birthday is 2 days after Valentine's Day and for about the first 10 years of our marriage, I knew that if I got anything for Valentine's Day from Dale, I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday or if I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day I would get something for my birthday!  I never complained about it, but all of a sudden he started doing both, I guess after 10 years he decided we were going to stay married?  Or maybe just because he was older, he was getting more romantic, who knows, I loved him either way.

 

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some guys aren't good at selecting gifts.  My kids' dad wasn't.  He has been known to buy me $5 earrings that turned my ears green.  Worse, he bought me a garbage can that impressed my son because it had a pop-up lid.  I remember my son (about five) showing it proudly to some people that had been talking about their world travels and antiques.  I couldn't stop him, I grimaced, yep he showed her how the pop up lid worked as he tromped his foot down on the pedal!  Then there was the thermos he bought me to replace the one he'd broken.  And a mop once.  Nope, not a good gift buyer.  But that's okay, he was steady and stable and that counts for a whole lot!

George was one of those romantics.  He'd save his money and have a custom made ring done for me.  Or buy me a pair of earrings from my favorite designer or a new rubber stamp, managing to find the only one I didn't already own.  He left notes around the house telling me how much he loved me.  I never could see how he could outdo himself or top the things he'd already done, but he managed to.  Maybe he would have run out of ideas if we'd been married as long as you and Billy were.  I never expected it, but it was him.  Shows I've had the worst (first husband) and the best (George).  One serves to make you appreciate the other.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎01‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 10:51 AM, Gin said:

Today is my beloved's birthday.  I always made a big deal over Al's birthday.  We would always have an Unbirthday party for everyone else on that day.  (His idea)  We would go shopping at the Dollar store and get silly gifts for all...kids and grow ups.  Wrap them in newspaper  and write little poems on each.  All got 2 gifts.  The kids especially loved it.  On his 75th we had a big party and had to do this for about 20+ people.  Always lots of fun.  My hobby was photography, so I have at least 20 albums from our 16 years together.  I have a hard time looking at pics.  They are great memories, but it still hurts so very much to know they are over.  I will try again to look at them.  Not been too successfull in the past.  He has been gone since Oct. 2015 and I miss him so much.

 

Gin:  Feeling for you.  I'm there with you about looking at pictures.  Some people say it brings them comfort, and I guess in a way it does a little, but then it always hurts, the wanting them back feeling hits hard when you see them frozen in a picture.  I know you must miss him so terribly...take care, Cookie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, TomPB said:

Last Valentine's day Susan gave me a beautiful heart that she knitted. Can you imagine taking the time to express her love like that? I often bring it with me when I travel. 

We had no hint that she had a month and a half to live.

IMG_3195.JPG.jpeg

Oh my gosh, how beautiful that is!  It was truly a loving gesture on her part.  My thoughts are with you.....Cookie

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Talking about Valentine's Day, my birthday is 2 days after Valentine's Day and for about the first 10 years of our marriage, I knew that if I got anything for Valentine's Day from Dale, I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday or if I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day I would get something for my birthday!  I never complained about it, but all of a sudden he started doing both, I guess after 10 years he decided we were going to stay married?  Or maybe just because he was older, he was getting more romantic, who knows, I loved him either way.

 

That is a cute story about your husband.  Mine was similar in a way....not very sentimental, but he would fix things around the house and say that was how he showed me he loved me.  I never had a wedding ring and about 2 years before he died he had a beautiful white gold ring custom made for me and asked me to marry him....it just knocked me over because he just wasn't sentimental that way....but, I still wear that ring and am so grateful for it....Cookie

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cookie, how wonderful that ring is and how romantic.  Dale was that way too about saying the things he did around the house showed he loved me.  When he did buy me a present he always did a good job and in his later years, he got more sentimental too and make more romantic gestures.  I guess getting older does that to them.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Steve and I never did anything typical for Valentines Day.  No gifts.  We considered it a Hallmark holiday.  But he would make i5 seem special by doing something.  Maybe making dinner or cleanning up.  He def8nitely made sure he told me he loved me.  I usually bought him a little candy gesture like heart shaped peanut butter cup and would leave it on his sink.  I’m glad now as I see all the valentine stuff in the stores.  Easter was nothing too so I am spared an6 tough memories til July 4th when he always had to do a special BBQ.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

Cookie, how wonderful that ring is and how romantic.  Dale was that way too about saying the things he did around the house showed he loved me.  When he did buy me a present he always did a good job and in his later years, he got more sentimental too and make more romantic gestures.  I guess getting older does that to them.

Yeah, plus I think the many years you spend with someone start kicking in, all the special little things that you do for each other and share, the exquisite closeness that develops from living so closely with someone....the richness of relationship--love...the thing we were all so lucky to have cultivated and now are suffering so much without....

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, TomPB said:

Last Valentine's day Susan gave me a beautiful heart that she knitted. Can you imagine taking the time to express her love like that? I often bring it with me when I travel. 

We had no hint that she had a month and a half to live.

IMG_3195.JPG.jpeg

Tom, that is so sweet, I'm glad you have it to take with you now to remember her love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...