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An old saying popped into my head.....

whatever doesn’t kill you makes you makes you stronger.

what a frigging joke.  I do a hell of a lot more because I have to.  But stronger?  Not by a long shot.

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7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

An old saying popped into my head.....

whatever doesn’t kill you makes you makes you stronger.

what a frigging joke...      ... stronger?  Not by a long shot.

Gwen, It is fairly obvious that whosoever wrote or said that probably never intended it for grief. It got hijacked and sent our way. I heard it when my son died, I heard it when Dana died. I could hardly contain myself from responding, and not in a good way.

I have not been active lately, but I come in and read pretty much every day. I really feel bad for what you are going through extra these days. Shoot, what everybody is going through. There's no end to it. I guess we just do the best we can.

Dave

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10 hours ago, DaveM said:

Gwen, It is fairly obvious that whosoever wrote or said that probably never intended it for grief. It got hijacked and sent our way. I heard it when my son died, I heard it when Dana died. I could hardly contain myself from responding, and not in a good way.

Dave, I think you're right.  We may have to keep going but we feel anything but strong while we're doing it!

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I am not feeling strong at all, so will see if that saying is true. On Monday, I am going to the oral surgeon to have 4 teeth removed. Soooo not looking forward to this as I remember the pain following the extraction of my wisdom teeth, plus it takes forever for my bleeding to stop and to heal afterward. I will be knocked out, thank you very much. Just hope I wake back up. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

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Oh Karen, I'll be praying for you Monday!  I remember all too well how badly you feel after extractions.  Have some soup on hand and get some pain meds for afterwards.

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Karen,.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I had to go for a carotid artery test today and have to see the doc tomorrow since my blood pressure shot up way too high.  This medical stuff is sure hard, especially without our mates.

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I have not felt well or like myself for many years. I chalked it up to the stress and grief of losing Ron and Debbie and having to adjust to this new way of life. I don't live alone as you all know, but in reality, I am alone. I have been through all the heart tests, etc and other than high BP and some COPD, I should feel in much better health. I do know that bad teeth can affect the way you feel. Mine have decided to all fall apart in the last couple of years. I have put this off longer than I should. My insurance will cover most of the work, but will max out for the year. That leaves me with all the cavity fillings on my own. As Scarlett said "I'll think about it tomorrow". Once these teeth are out, I'm hoping to feel like a new woman.  Probably not.  lol  Will more likely just look like one without the teeth.

Have already filled the scripts for the pain meds, antibiotics, and mouthwash.

Now, if I can just not chicken out. I have become a big baby in my old age.

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Karen,

I only have half my teeth and all but two are crowned or part of a bridge.  It cost a bundle.  Lord knows I tried saving each one, I've probably bought my dentist a home in Hawaii already.  I know the pain, and it seems the worst pain is the pocketbook damage.  Nothing "big baby-ish" about that!  We're all rooting for you (no pun intended) Monday and hope it's soon over and behind you.  I wish you didn't feel alone.  I'm very much alone, and sometimes I wish there was more than just me for everything to land on, more than just me to talk to, frankly, I'm boring myself to death.  You're not alone here, we're all with you in spirit and I wish I could make you some chicken noodle soup, it's what I do best.  (((hugs)))

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Kay,

You gave me a laugh. I think that is my problem. I am also boring myself to death. Ron and I were more or less "joined at the hip" and when I was working, I conversed with people all day long. Such a different existence now.

I'm with you on the teeth. I will have half left after these 4 are gone. No crowns or bridges though, just fillings. Will have even less reason to smile.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support.

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8 hours ago, KarenK said:

You gave me a laugh. I think that is my problem. I am also boring myself to death. Ron and I were more or less "joined at the hip" and when I was working, I conversed with people all day long. Such a different existence now.

I hadn’t thought of that!  The pain, tears and all the other familiar stuff is there all the time.  But I am bored. There is nothing to break the monotony of a solitary life except things I have to attend to.  So much is scheduled.  There is no real spontaneous fun things anymore.  It’s the same rituals night after night.  Old places we went to are pretty much gone and the new ones hold no appeal when you have no one to share them with.  Because the TV is my roomie now, I get annoyed at the repetition.  Seems we had our days filled and comfortable.  Now I just kill time and the worst of it is, I know I just have to do it again the next day.  I find things to do in the afternoon but when I come home and close the driveway gate, I’m in this house alone.  How great it would be to hear his voice say something that would spark a conversation or a laugh.  Anything to break this silence. I still eat and go to bed at the same times, but they so incredibly boring by yourself.  Even playing with the dogs is less.  No fun without him to call and watch and encourage the activity.  So many things that were normal parts of living are now just tasks to check off for the day.  It feels like an OCD life.  Ruled by watching the clock.  I’ve changed some things around to fill gaps, but it’s not, of course, the life I had that just ran itself between us.

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I have not had a chance to test the theory yet.  There is that saying though, "If boredom kills, then cultivating curiosity heals" Todd Kashdan.  I just read what he wrote and honestly, I do not like to tax my brain at all.  I do not want to remember.  I try not to think a lot of times, but it seems that being bored all the time, not trying to learn new things, that just brings on Alzheimer's and parkinsonism.  I do not need to have the Parkinson's disease, (suspect I have a form of neurological cousin) so I can only hope that my reading will stir my brain up and revive it.  I have quit reading for awhile though and I am having to read paragraphs over and over, so I have got to get back into my reading so I won't die of boredom. (With my family, I don't think that is going to be a problem.).

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Gwen,  just think,  as we are just killing time,  time in turn,  is killing us. Kind of ironic, isn't it? In the end,  time wins anyway.

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Time alway wins.  I long for the days there wasn’t enough.  Impatience to get to the next day to do things we had to take a break to sleep for.  It feels like a dream it was ever that way.  I was desperate for something to do today so I renewed my drivers license that isn’t due til November.  Darned place was so streamlined I was in and out in 15 minutes.  I wanted to kill at least an hour!

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George was the spontaneous one.  He kept our life fun.  I was always the stable one that made sure bills got paid and dinner fixed.  He was the one who would jump out of bed and blurt out, "Let's go to the coast!" or something.  Without him, life is anything but fun, his personality added so much spark to my existence.

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Faith spoken here:

I am a poor example of my Christian faith.  I am not trying to proselytize.  I would not want anyone to be like me.  I am at war with myself daily.  You all know I have health issues, the problem with my "innards" and sometimes the talking in my stomach sounds like a ventriloquist heard somewhere else in the room.  It cannot be corrected, but sitting in a quiet church, well, it might make someone think the sermon was too long and these were hunger noises.  Nope, they are medically called hyperactive bowel sounds.  So, I watch a pastor on Sunday mornings, in my home, on TV, and I still don't believe just because you stand in a garage, that makes you a car.  

I do get some peace from my Christian faith, even though it is at mustard seed dimensions.  I listen to the pastor and the demon on one shoulder says "is that really true" and the Angel on the other says "you do not doubt."  

I saw my Christian father, who was a deacon for so long, he gave up his deacon title from arguing religion with my sister.  She was in the throes of college enlightenment and she would argue faith/religion with him.  He doubted himself at a time he needed his faith.

I did go to a psychiatrist for more years than really needed.  I needed forgiveness, and since have found that I only needed to forgive myself.  Could have saved myself and my insurance company a lot of money.  Really, it came down to my pastor, at that time, talking to me and said that "God is not a punishing God."  That was not what I had been taught, but I punished myself more than man or God could have.  The psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors are trained to lead you into an understanding of your road block to living.  When all the world is blown away and we are left standing alone, we have to learn to forgive ourselves and learn to live with/or by ourselves.  

I did find my small bit of peace with my faith.  It is not for everyone.  Just like talking to a professional counselor of many titles, sometimes if you listen to that still small voice, the one you put up the wall against, tearing down that wall brick by brick, accepting who you are and who you are not, and listening to the Angel sitting on your shoulder, maybe some of us might be able to dust off that demon sitting on the other shoulder.  You do sometimes have to accept you are the small speck in this world, but you are also the giant road block in your own life.  I'm not there yet.  Those bricks sometimes are hard for this ole gal to move.  But I'm hoping I listen to the Angel in the end.

A purpose?  Peace?  Maybe an answer?  No, just trying to live what is left of a life. (And still, sometimes the answer to the fear is my dwindling supply of Xanax.) 

 

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I'm the one with the crazy ideas and obsessions, Susan was there to say NO. I'm the worrier, Susan didn't worry and would tell me "Don't worry about it", "It's not the end of the world", and "But you have ME". Just missing that makes life a lot harder. I don't have religious faith but practice the spirituality of AA and am an amateur  Buddhist and meditate a lot. I've avoided therapy most of my life but my current grief counselor is one of my main supports. She belongs to our club, having lost her husband to cancer and 3 ms later her daughter died of an overdose - and 17 yrs later she says she is happy, which is proof survival is possible. She is also in AA and we talk about applying the 12 steps to grief. I would not get as much from her without those connections.

Purpose? The only clear purpose I have is to make sure Susan is remembered and to pass her love along. For me myself, not so much.

The days are brighter and longer. Susan loved to see Spring coming. She'd spot every flower poking up and begin to plan her urban gardening. I enjoyed it too, esp after a Boston winter. Now it just means the coming of 3/31 and her leaving this world. Don't know if I can enjoy it anymore.

Susan was the plant expert. I've watered and pruned her plants but that's it. I've been watering two Amaryllis with no idea what to expect. Now one has sent up a shoot with a bud! I would take it as a sign if it had a flower on 3/31. 

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George loved gardening and would be excitedly planting about now...me, I killed his vegetables soon after he died...I tried, I guess I'm just not good at it.  I always had my hands full keeping people alive, I don't have room in me to tend to plants too, although I do love hanging pots of flowers on my patio.

Tom, I hope you get your flower!  I didn't know we could give them a deadline!  :)

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My mom and my daughter are the green thumb ones in the family.  Scott bought me an air plant once that required no watering.  It did not last.  I was reading something about memory and have had to rethink my liking to blank my mind out.  The article I read said if you don't "exercise" your mind you are setting yourself up for parkinsonism (which is a worry for me) and also Alzheimer's, which all Mama and her sisters had.  They all lived into their late 80's and into their 90's though.  I don't want to be a mindless person my kids have to take care of, prefer being in a NH, and since I don't want to study anything anymore, I have got to get back to my reading.  That requires concentration.  That requires thinking.  

Tom, I hope it blooms on, or close to the day.  

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Karen, smartest thing(health wise) I ever did was bite the bullet(funny ) and make the decision to go full dentures.....Last three years I have been pain free....no infections whats so ever........And I spent ten years battling surgeries ,crowns, extractions, partials....finally accepted my genetics and went with the alternative.....No regrets

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20 hours ago, Marg M said:

The article I read said if you don't "exercise" your mind you are setting yourself up for parkinsonism (which is a worry for me) and also Alzheimer's, which all Mama and her sisters had.

My sister recently read an article that debunked it.  It has more to do with genetics than how many crossword puzzles we do...still, it can't hurt to keep an active brain is my way of looking at it. We can only do what we can do, we don't have control over our genes.

Kevin, I was just thinking of you, wondering how you're doing with your PT.  And gosh, if I could afford it I think I'd get dentures too...all the money I've spent on teeth over the years, all for naught!

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