If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Mitch, perhaps I worded that wrong.  No..........sometimes I might feel sorry for myself.  I don't dwell on it.  My point was we have people that need help, but we cannot help them till they reach out.  My feeling sorry for myself can be any number of things, but I do not dwell on it.  What can I say?  "Poor me, I was married for 54 years to the most wonderful person in the world, and he was not always the most wonderful person, but neither was I."  

You took care of your wife, a lot of you took care of your mates for long periods of time.  My friend took care of her husband after a major stroke.  She changed feeding tubes, changed diapers, helped him in and out of bed for seven years.  Her words were "I would have done it seven more years if I could have kept him."  There are a lot of selfless people on this forum.  

I lost Billy fast.  He did not suffer much..  Both of our fathers died with cancer, they died horrible deaths that they had the Cheyne-Stokes breathing and we would sit by their bed and hope it would not come again, but it did.  My dad had sores on his heels where he dug his feet in the bed from the pain.  My Billy did not have to undergo that horror.  

Feeling sorry for myself is such a shallow feeling.  I might miss him terribly, I might feel sorry for myself because I am alone, but I would never dwell on such a self serving emotion.

My point was there are a lot of people, a lot of people on this forum that have no one and I wish I could help them.  And, I have a friend that is the same age as I am, she is going into assisted living.  I do believe the government helps pay for this if you cannot afford it, but as dumb as I am about politics and government, I might be wrong, but it would be worth looking into when you are too ill to take care of yourself and when you know no one that will help.

[Gwenivere]

I don't really feel sorry for myself.  I just keep wondering.....why us?  I am sure every couple has thought that in various situations, but now alone it is a why me.  I know there is no answer for that beyond nature and what it did to Steve and no fault of his.  

I don't know how people deal with sudden deaths, but as a caregiver for 5 years, I know I and he did everything right so why is he gone?  Rhetorical because this was cancer.  But I can't help thinking that when you try so hard and are doing things you never imagined and keep seeing them slip away.  

So, late at night I do feel that sorrow for myself and him.  Life isn't fair, always knew that.  But in this one instance I wish it could have been.

[Froggie4635]

I don't feel I am feeling sorry for myself either, but I believe that others might interpret that way.  I don't invite people into my grief, but I expect them to respect it.  Sometime I need outsiders to remind me that what I experienced was a truly "big deal".  When Mark was alive, we never worried about what the outside world thought of us.  In my mind, that hasn't changed.  We lived in our little corner of the world, and that is what I do.  I'm not ready to invite too many people into it. 

Gwen, I have never experienced a sudden death until Mark died.  One night we are sitting at his mom's house having dinner, celebrating his birthday, and the next morning he is gone in less than an hour. Everything happened so fast; I never knew that I was losing him while it was going on.  I don't really ask "why?".  I guess I just don't use my energy to ask a question I know there will never be an answer for.  I know we were brought together, and I am sure there was a reason for it; not sure if it was for Mark to learn something, or for me.  All I know is I am doing my best to live in the aftermath. 

We lived a very simple life, and as I grieve it continues to be that way.  I have to work at not being hard on myself; to not continue to place expectations on myself.  I have to learn to be okay with just doing what I do.  Today I think I took two naps.  I have noticed that with any added stress to my already stressful, grieving existence I can last about three weeks without a break (meaning extra days off work).  I haven't been able to stretch it out any longer than that.  I have to be okay with that.

[scba]

I feel sorry for myself and for my boyfriend. 

[MartyT]

Dear ones, it seems to me that, if ever there is a time in your life when you are justified in feeling sorry for yourself (whatever that means, and however you choose to  define it for yourself) it is now, when you're coping with the death of the person you loved more than anyone else in the world . . .

[iPraiseHim]

I have felt sorry for myself at different times in my life and even after the death of my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  Her death was so unexpected, so shocking surprising that I was numb to my life for many months. I wanted Rose Anne back and I felt like I was being punished.  These were old tapes being replayed from earlier sadness and despair.   I am lonely and alone.  Stripped of all of my titles and job descriptions.  Left bared and exposed.  What is going to happen to me?  Will I be alone the rest of my life? It is not pretty or easy to admit it but it is my reality.  I loved my Rose Anne and I wanted US back together as it was before.  I cherished US. I am a flawed human.  I hurt.  I weep. 

I am doing better about not feeling sorry for myself as much as I initially did. I count my blessings daily and have learned much through this grief journey. I find when I get into H.A.L.T. ( too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired) it triggers my self-pity cycle.  I am learning  to express myself and ask for help when I need it. I wish I didn't feel sorry for myself because then maybe I would feel better. I don't know.   

My Dad said, he has never felt sorry for himself in his life either.  It must be great to not have this flawed character trait. Shalom - George 

[brat#2]

I guess I have from time to time felt sorry for myself, I think I feel sorry more for the situation than for myself.  Most of the time I think I feel sorry for Dale, that from diagnosis to his death it was only 4 1/2 months, so we didn't get time for it to really register with us that he wasn't going to make it.  I know that isn't a sudden death, which I'm not sure how I would handle that, but still it wasn't very long to come to terms with it.  He and I fought so hard for those months and it still didn't work.  I'm just so sad that he is not here any longer to enjoy the things he loved (he loved life in general so much) that it just isn't fair.  I'm sorry that I have to be alone, without my love, my heart, my soul, so I guess that could be called feeling sorry for myself.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Well I am sorry for myself and for ALL of us that have lost the most important person in the world to us.  How can we not feel sorry?  That doesn't mean I let it define me or go around moping or feeling jealous of everyone who hasn't lost their spouse, but I do wish I could have been one of them.  I've adjusted to this life that is now mine, it wasn't what I relished, but it is what it is.  I try not to focus overly on what isn't, and the counter to that is to appreciate what still is.  I've learned that here, learning to live in the present so I don't miss what is today in my longing for what I lost.  This weekend I got to see my precious granddaughter, I am glad I am able to enjoy her, she's turning one on the 26th, and I look forward to their visiting me this coming weekend.  These kinds of things help keep me going.  

[Mom's angel]

I feel sorry for my mom, I feel sorry for myself too but I avoid that kind of sympathy towards myself as she didn't left me, it was  the circumstances, the bad discission and my own avoidance, no matter what.. a part of me will always know that I am guilty.

I feel sorry for her because of what she'll miss, what she deserved to be a part of, the happiness she deserved but on the bright side.. She's with God, at peace in heaven.. And I'll meet her again.

I do feel jealous of others who are with their mothers, I won't lie about that and when I see girls of around my age with their mom I feel sorry for myself.

[Margm]

Strange morning.  I have been able to go "bear hunting with a switch" most all the time since Billy has been gone.  You get the idea, "damn, if it is to be done, then I better get on with it" and you mindlessly putter on through whatever it is you have to do.  Okay.  Had to go to Hot Springs to Sears to get the front end aligned.  I don't know why the little shop that fixed mine could not align it also.  They sell tires.  Maybe it has to do like an ortho doctor won't deliver babies, unless he has to.  Specialized mechanics.  On my way into town, same old road, same old everything (I had taken a Xanax to keep chin from shaking), but I got scared.  Have no idea what I was scared of.  My day is not much better.  They found the shocks leak so I will go that 80 mile round trip Thursday to replace shocks, and No, I don't know why the other shop did not do the shocks.  Don't care.  Won't ask.  To hell with it.  Will just go get it done and hope I am not scared.  I am so surprised and disappointed with me.  I was actually scared, so stupid.  I do this every day.  Why am I scared now?

[Gwenivere]

Marg, scared is my middle name now.  Even things I was used to doing alone bother me.  We forget just how deeply grief affects EVERYTHING now.  There isn't one thing in my life it hasn't affected in some way.  No matter what, we are now alone 24/7 inside.

today I got the renewal of Time magazine which we had for years.  It was always Steves name on it because we got it thru his airline miles.  Now it has my name on it.  Silly small thing, but another change.  Another reminder.  Another place his name is missing.  

[brat#2]

Marg, not stupid at all, I get scared to do things now too.  I think, even if we did things before on our own, we knew Billy or Dale were around to rescue us if needed.  Now that we don't have that safety of knowing they are there, in the back of our minds, we are afraid something will happen and we will have to deal with it on our own.  Unfortunately it is turning out to be another thing we have to get use to in this "new" life and I don't think it will be easy, at least for me.  Hope you have a better rest of the day and sending you a big hug.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Oh, I did get a good bit of good news, they all told me what a wonderful little truck I have.  A thousand bucks later it better be wonderful.  I wanted to buy one of those little clown cars, so now I will be satisfied with my purple clown truck.  Really people cannot decide if it is blue or purple.  I go with purple.  I still have that edge on tonight/this afternoon.  I am planting something, I don't know what it is, looks like baby petunias.  Putting them in my excess big ole flower pots.  Then I'm through with them.  They sure are pretty.  Didn't know I could grow stuff.  Too late I learn.  Will be glad to get today over with.  The sun is shining.  

[Margm]

Maybe it was just because Billy and I traveled that road so much and I had to pass the hospital.  I did not turn and look at it coming or going and this is the 2nd hospital I retired from.  These are some of my best friends that I need to go say goodbye to, but I just cannot do it.  I think maybe that was it, but I have gone down that road since Billy passed away, why fear now?  I don't understand life at all.  Death either.  I'm okay.  I am not down, down, I am kinda numb-down, so I'm okay.  

[kayc]

Marg,

Grief has a mind of it's own, we are just along for the ride.  Who knows why something hits one time and not another?  Maybe you were feeling vulnerable because of the truck repairs, I know I feel that way because I'm at their mercy, I don't know much about the mechanics and they like to take advantage of us, knowing that.

[Margm]

I bought People magazine (well, I buy it a lot of times), but I wanted to see how Celine Dion was handling her husband's death.  I am sure she has all of our feelings and will till the end of her time.  She had a call from him before her show, he wished her well, all the things they always said.  When she came in he was asleep and she did not want to wake him up because he would be in pain.  She went to sleep and the nurse came the next morning and told her he had passed away.  Naturally she regretted not waking him up when she came in.  She said she was not going to let their time together be troubled by regrets now.  I hope she is that strong.  I admire that strength.  

I do not know if I have strength.  I have the necessity to get out of bed as soon as I wake up.  It would be easy to be able to wallow in that bed, reach for Billy, knowing he is not there, but in older women their bladder drops after female surgery/other goings on unmentionable, and if I wallow in the bed, I could possibly drown, and definitely would have to get a new mattress.  So, it is up to face the day.  Not something you look forward to, but still, it is something you have to do.

I always thought it interesting that Florence  Nightingale, after her big time activity in the Crimean War, she took to her bed, still a relatively young woman.  And she did die.  I think she was in her 90's though.  It seems that when we are not needed anymore, that is what we have to do.  Celine is needed.  She has three boys that need her, so she cannot think of just herself.  

It could be that I have never had to face getting a vehicle fixed.  I need me a glossary of mechanical terms.  Somehow they do not understand thingamajig, thingy, knob joints, and a blank stare.  I stopped at the mechanic so I knew what to ask for.  I knew something needed aligned.  So, the fast talking younger guy made me hear "friendly alignment."  Then the guy who owns the place made me hear "front-end alignment."  

Looking at Sears "description of merchandise" I notice I paid for something called "tremor 4x2, 4600 pounds"  Makes me wonder if they could handle my congenital tremor better than the medical establishment.  I don't weigh 4600 pounds so, it should not cost as much.    

 

[MartyT]

Oh Marg. You've got me holding my sides laughing with your latest post. I think you missed your calling. You are our resident comedienne, for sure! 

[Cookie]

I also read the article by Celine Dion and heard an interview she gave.  It actually made me angry.  She was saying that she was going to be STRONG by not crying at the awards ceremony, but when her son presented the award she cried (heaven forbid she showed weakness!).  This is the very thing we don't need to keep hearing.  Not crying or being overwhelmed by sadness is strong and crying, etc. I guess is weak.  She went on to say that her husband left his strength behind for her.  I guess I should be happy for her...actually, I'm jealous, but I wonder if that is really true for her.  I'm so tired of hearing these types of things.  I actually do a lot of things and "get on with it," but I can tell you I cry every day, sometimes more than once, feel sick with grief still and everything I do I have to make myself do.  I do have some bright moments, but I would say the majority of time I'm so sad and hurting.  This is at almost a year.  

[Froggie4635]

Dear Cookie...

I am fast approaching my 18th month (not ready to say year and a half) and I can assure you that I have never really hid my grief, except around my mother-in-law when I can.  I don't cry like I did in the beginning; not a lot of sobbing.  But there are times when little things hit me, and the tears come and a little bit of crying.  Perhaps I have gotten better at getting it under control once it begins, to minimize the length as to not give me a headache.  But when I talk to other widows, and share my experiences....the tears and emotions come.  I'm not sure about grieving and being a truly public person, such as Celine is.  I never looked at crying as being weak; I look at it as being REAL.  I am blessed to work among some great, supportive ladies who look out for me without intruding.  Like you, I do have some bright moments, and find things that make me laugh...but most times I just kind of wander around with my mind completely blank...still kind of going on auto-pilot.  I get some things done, because to not do them would create chaos.  But there is NO urgency in my life, nothing really to look forward to.  You are in good company here , Cookie.

[scba]

 I still have to find an article about celebrity's grief where the celebrity doesn't mention platitudes. The only celebrity woman I have knowledge for, who admitted on a tv interview that it was still hard to cope with grief and loss, was Nancy Reagan. Probably Celine and other very public people have to show a facade until they believe it for the sake of many interests that are around them. This is just a theory. I too read the People's article. 

[Margm]

When her son came out and gave the award, she cried.  Listening to Kathy Griffith???, the football players wife who is on Today, she talked, she joked, but the whole time she had a ball of tears in her throat.  I thought it funny him saying he only wanted a party to be given with the list of his friends to be at the  party.  She said it was a short list.  I felt Celine wanting to cry, but she was being brave until her son came out and then she let it go.  She is a public person though and her husband believed, like the song she sang, that the show must go on.  So, she is doing this for him, herself and her whole large family.  She lost her brother within hours, maybe a day or two after her husband.  We do not know what these public figures do behind closed doors, but she wanted to be strong for her kids.  I admired that.  Just because someone lives one way does not mean everyone does.  That is why there are so many paths of grief on this forum.  I might try for levity, but I would like to go into my room and just cry and cry.  The last time I did that though, I looked around me and still did not see Billy.  I said "Your not coming back are you?"  I am going to find him again, when I get settled down in my little apartment (if I can get him to come into an apartment), he might just visit Scott in the RV, well then I will have time to talk to him again.  I have my friends that I have to go by their dispositions now.  They are widows for a long time, one 16-17 years, and she is beautiful inside and out.  She also takes his urn to all the family gatherings.  She is the one that he was not sick.  They had a fuss and it was a bad one..  She had to leave to go to their granddaughter's cancer surgery, just an infant, and kept trying to call him.  A relative went in and he had died in his sleep.  She did not get to say goodbye and she hurts still, all the time. The way they left, angry, will haunt her the rest of her life.  Everyone has a story to tell.  Some are so horrible we want so bad to help them.  Losing your mate is the most horrible thing that can happen (well, that and losing a child, and I hate to even imagine that and so want to go before them.).  Billy tried to get me to quit driving when he thought I was dying in 2014.  I would not let him drive me.  Scott wants to drive me everywhere.  I won't let him drive me anywhere.  I want to be self dependent as long as I can.  I drive that 350 mile round trip to Louisiana and I have to pull off to the side of the road because I cry out of desperation, Billy cannot help me.  Fortunately, I drive paved country roads, no traffic or someone would have me hospitalized.  

I do admire a brave woman, celebrity or just plain ole country redneck.  My grandma was a plain ole country redneck that missed my "Daddy Wise" until she died.  Her biggest wish was to be with him again, but she lived nearly 30 years without him.  Tough old broad.  German stock.  I think they called them Pennsylvania Dutch back then.  We have a settlement out of Minden called Germantown.  

There is no set way to grieve.  The thing is, we all hurt.  We might do it in different ways.  We might not approve of all others do.  In fact, I imagine I make people very angry with my levity.  I am sorry, it is just the way I have always been.  If I offend anyone, again, I am sorry, but that is just me.  I doubt I will change anymore than I would want you to change.  We cannot all be alike.  We all hurt.  That is enough alike to last a lifetime.

[scba]

Marg, I wrote my post wrong, I don't speak English and today my English is missing. I didn't intend to say what is right or wrong, my guessing is that some celebrities, being so public, on the outside do as "show must go on". Surely in private they do what they can. 

 

[Margm]

Ana, there is no right or wrong.  What is right for me is wrong for someone else.  I don't think anyone has right or wrong, they have just what is right for themselves.  I don't know about celebrities.  They are good at acting so they may act like they have it all together and when they get home they may take their anger out on the furniture, animals or humans.  I am not sure, but I don't think anyone really means "do it like I do it" because at night they may go home with Jack Daniels and spend the night with him.  Hey, I am not fussing about that, if I could take Jack home with me, I would.  I just don't like the feeling of throwing up and maybe doing more damage to my already nightmare "innards."  

So, we just do what we can with what we have.  I like levity, but I also cry a lot and am very lonesome.  Not lonesome for people, I have someone around me all the time, but I go to bed at night so I can be closer to Billy.  I miss the old codger.  

[Margm]

Ana, I just looked where you are from, Spain.  No way would I have known you did not speak English as a first language.  I don't either.  Mine is a little Cajun, Redneck, and just plain old southern ole woman.  English is something they taught in school.  Egg is still "aig", leg is still "laig", ants are still "aints" and I come from Springhill, which is really "Spranghill.  Syrup has one syllable, it is "surp"..

And as an addendum, I do find myself saying "Bless their heart, they can't help it" more often than not. 

[mittam99]

I agree. Ana writes English wonderfully! If I was writing Spanish, "buenos dias" is about as far as I'd get. And that's after taking it for five years in school.

--------

On another note...

Marg, you truly are the most articulate "redneck" to ever walk this earth! Heck, most true rednecks couldn't spell addendum let alone use it in context. You sure you didn't really go to Harvard?

Hope you find this as funny as I did...