It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

Bill, I wish I had the perfect words to ease your suffering. There are no perfect words. I do know where you are. I was there. There for a long time. I know how meaningless and empty this feels. It's a pain unlike any other. And I know how hard it is to be apart from your beloved Mary Kay. It's that deep love that you feel that's causing the overwhelming pain.

I can tell you too that the pain will subside but it takes time. Right now I know that doesn't feel possible. I am living proof of it though. Please don't give up and please seek counseling if you already haven't. Do you have family you can talk to?

I've also personal messaged you if you feel the need to talk privately.

Mitch

 

 

 

[mittam99]

Another one of those moments that makes me feel my special angel Tammy is somehow, some way still helping her "Mitchie Pooh"...

The other day I took my glasses off in bed to read something. Then I got out of bed and had to go to the bathroom. And yes, there is more to this story than bodily functions. I was tired and needed to get to bed so after doing my bathroom "duties" (bad choice of words, sorry), I plopped myself (more poor word choices, oops) into the bed. I felt and heard something that made my heart sink. I just sat on my nice metal rimmed glasses. A direct and forceful hit. They were pretty bent up and one of the lenses had popped out. "Oh Crap, I really don't have a backup pair and I have to be at work tomorrow at 7 AM". I tried my best to bend them back into shape. I actually did a pretty god job but I couldn't get the lens back into place properly no matter how hard I tried. At least they were sort of wearable as long as I didn't rub too hard with a cleaning cloth.

So, I wore them to work. Not too bad actually. Although I was feeling a bit dizzy due to the lens being out of position at bit. I came home and was going to try to get that lens to snap into the right position. Keep in mind, the night before I tried for an hour with all my might and I couldn't budge it, the frame was too bent.  Anyway, there I was, frame in hand, starting to press the lens with my thumbs. I was prepared to make one last mighty herculean effort to get the lens in place. With my eyes to the sky, I said "I wish I could get this to fit". All the while knowing I had no chance. Then I pressed on the lens (with little effort) and... it popped back into the proper place immediately and easily.

Now sure it could have just been "one of those things", I get that. I can see people's skepticism. But, too many things like this have happened since Tammy died. I choose to believe that she is still here and helping me. And this thought/hope puts me in a place that allows me to progress on my journey.

 

 

 

[Margm]

Mitch, I accept any help from Billy I can get.  

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

A short while after Mark passed, my brother in law came over to assemble a television stand I had purchased before Mark died.  Mark would usually have jumped on it to build it, but we had an existing television stand he had built long before we met.  He was concerned that I would relegate it to the garage or something, so his way of making sure that didn't happen was to not put it together.  Well, I had disconnected all the electronics (receiver, dvd player) in preparation for moving them from the old stand to the new one.  I thought I had paid attention to where I unplugged each item, and the order of re-connection.  Well, using the original book that came with one of the pieces, I managed to get things plugged in as I thought they should.  Well, when I turned everything on, the dvd player was only in black and white.  One of the wires got plugged into the wrong place, but there were so many wires and places.  So, I sat quietly and asked Mark which one was in wrong place.  Didn't take long to get the answer.  He also helped me hang a rather large picture on the wall.  I had framed a movie poster from one of our favorite movies, but we never got around to hanging it...would definitely be a two person job.  Well, when I finally decided where I wanted it, I measured and marked the spot on the wall.  I thought it needed to have a wire strung on the back to hang it, but it had D rings.  Well, one of them was tight and would stay up, while the other kept dropping down when I would get it in place to hang (it was heavy, but I was determined).  I tried like three times.  Then I sat it down on the floor. Without really "asking" I tried one more time, and low and behold, the rings slipped right in place and the picture was hung.  I know he was there helping me.  So, like you, I keep faith he watches over me, just like Tammy is watching over you.

[kayc]

I wish George was high tech or mechanically inclined so he could help me!  Alas, he struggled with those kinds of things too.

[Gwenivere]

I've managed to grope my way thru things that needed to be fixed or done.  The difference for me is that I may not have done them as Steve did (he really liked to get into details and often did things more complicated than they needed to be), but so far I have found a way each time.  I don't feel him helping me at all.  Perhaps reminders stuck in my head about rebooting computers, did that when my washer got confused and thinking this this is really a computer now, so unplugging and plugging it back in worked. What I usually feel when I fix something is I wish I could tell him.  I miss figuring something out and his not being here to tell me how clever I was.  Or logical.  How he would never have thought of that.  I do miss him when it comes to things beyond my grasp with tech stuff.  He would just fix it unlike now when I have to call my hid brother and be involved.  

I just can't buy they are here helping in that way.  Part of what makes this missing him so hard.

[MartyT]

Gwen, I think in matters like these, we are free to believe what we choose to believe. After all, who is to prove us wrong? And if believing in something like this makes us feel better or more comfortable or watched over by our departed loved ones, I say go for it. 

[Gwenivere]

Oh, I agree with you Marty.  I didn't mean to imply that anyone that feels or knows that is wrong.  Just voicing a different view from myself and maybe others that don't feel that.  I really wish I did!  Then maybe our home wouldn't feel so cold to me.  

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I just can't buy they are here helping in that way.  Part of what makes this missing him so hard.

Gwen, that's your honest view and that's your absolute perogative. No one will convince you otherwise, nor should they try. The thing is though, others do feel that their loved one is somehow still in their life, spritually or otherwise. Trust me, I had no preconceived notion of what happens when someone dies. I've experienced things that tell my brain and my heart that Tammy still exists in some way. Truth is, no one really and absolutely knows what happened at the very beginning of existence or what happens after death, right?

I do know that in this grief journey we all need reasons to feel like life is worth living. Without them our life is a life of misery bemoaning our new life and living and longing only for the past.

I was there and I'm thankful I can see some reasons for hope now. I can see a life that while not the life I wanted with my Tammy, may still be a life worth living. I have a long way to go but by living this new life with Tammy as an inspiration, I have a fighting chance to make it.

[MartyT]

We understand, dear Gwen. Right now you are looking through a glass darkly. Everything is filtered through that gloomy, dark lens of grief. I wish I could Windex it clear and sparkling clean for you, but alas I cannot. None of us can. This is your journey, and you must find your own way through. I know that you have precious little faith and hope of your own right now, but we have faith and hope for you, and we will hold onto it until you feel ready to carry it for yourself. Meanwhile we promise not to let you walk this path alone.  ♥

[Gwenivere]

Thank you again, Marty.  I do apologize for my lack of communication skills at this time and anyone I may have offended.  This is my family and I so love being a part of it.  ?

[WolfsKat]

Mitch......THANKS for the info......I would be darn sure I did not earn over the minimum........I could very well deal with the 71% plus about $15,000.00......it would be roughly equivalent to  what I make now, working at a job I dislike full time....this gives me a glimmer of hope for escape!

 

[Margm]

#Gwen, never apologize for your grief.  You did not ask for it.  You have got to know we all understand.  There are times I look around and say "Dammit Billy, you didn't even stay around long enough for me to pamper you."  I say a lot of more things to him.  After 54 years, I miss that old boy more than anything I can think of.  Okay, I won't get carried away.  Just know, we are all hurting.  If it was possible, I would conjure up Billy and just sit and hold his beautiful hands.  Makes me want to study witchcraft.  Maybe I just need to find my faith again.  Girl, we all do some hurting and fussing and probably a lot of cursing.  Wish it did some good.  If you were here I would hug you and we could just have a good old cry together.  I think we can cry together as well as alone.  I tried to race a big Dodge Ram after the light turned to green.  My little Ford Ranger was left in the dust.  We all go at our own speed.  Honestly, I would not have his Dodge Ram if he tried to trade.  I could not see over the hood of that Toyota.  We go at our own speed.  Sometimes the turtle wins the race.

[kayc]

WolfsKat,

I would feel the same way.  After $15,720 they keep half, I'd earn up to that and not a penny more!  George didn't live long enough to get on disability so it wasn't an issue for us, but for those of you that qualify, I hope it helps you out.

Mitch & Maryann, I think your stories are amazing and encouraging.  I hope, along with mine, that people can see that they not only do not just cease to exist as they draw their last breath here, but they are doing what they can to reach out to us.  I never had a preconceived notion either, Mitch, yet this is my experience and I was taught in a communication class that you can't argue one's experience!

[iheartm]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I do know that in this grief journey we all need reasons to feel like life is worth living. Without them our life is a life of misery bemoaning our new life and living and longing only for the past.

Some of us are a short time out from a shell shocking tragic loss and comments like the above-- to me-- feel like they undermine my feelings of total grief and sorrow as if I am just bemoaning the situation and doing nothing to move forward. One size does not fit all. I come here to read how people are doing and coping with their own loss, not to be instructed how I'm supposed to act and feel. I got enough of that from real life people who have no clue what it's like.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way.  I didn't get the impression you were being told how to feel, but rather without having reason to live, that's how it might feel to you.  As you say yourself, you have no interests these days.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, perhaps it is time for a reminder that, in order to accommodate the needs of those who are at all different places in their own grief journeys, we have made every effort to offer alternative forums on this website. While the Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other is our most-visited and most-used forum, we do have others designed especially for those members who may be further "down the road," so to speak. 

The forums entitled Living with Loss and New Beginnings were created precisely because those members who've moved further along in their grief journeys may need a place to share that is separate and different from those who are newly bereaved or not as far along as others who have been here for quite some time. The only way these other forums will become more active is for our members to start using them so that others will follow them there.

Knowing our members as I do, I doubt that there is a person among us whose intent is to undermine what another member is feeling, or to instruct another on how one is supposed to act and feel ~ and in this particular case, I am certain that was not what Mitch intended to do.

I think we all need to step back, take some deep breaths, and remember the reasons that brought all of us together in the first place. We must strive to be more patient with and more tolerant of one another, always bearing in mind that this road is long and hard, we're all at different places along the way, and we're doing the best we can with what we have at this point in time.

If we encounter a post or a thread or a topic that grinds us the wrong way, we always have the option of not reading any further, or of going to another topic or forum, or of starting a new topic to say whatever we need to say ~ or we can choose to say nothing at all. But let us always, always be kind to one another.  

[kayc]

Marty,

If you'd rather I not be here, I can leave.  I have been told my numerous people that I have helped them and given them hope, so I would be sad to leave as my heart really lies with those grieving, whether new to the journey or further along.  It has been my way of paying this place back for saving my life when I lost my George.  I have no desire to cause dissension or hurt anyone.

[Margm]

I am so happy that Mitch is feeling even the levels of happiness that he is feeling.  Somehow, it gives me hope.  He has been on the journey a lot longer than I have, but I find myself even at nearly six months, I take pleasure in every step they are taking.  Kevin, at six months, he made a big step.  Kay, at years, her husband helped her feel comforted.  I joined at three days with 50 morphine in possession.  If it had not been for this forum my plan was to drive my truck up into the Ouachita National Forest (A vast number of dirt roads you can ride for days without seeing anyone).  I planned on going down one of the logging trails, where not many people traveled, and I planned on walking a very long way away from the truck, which would be hidden.  I figured by the time I would be found (plenty of identification on my body), that my kids would not have to identify me.  This was three days after Billy left.  Then I found this forum.  It saved my life.  Sometimes I am not happy about living, but I am happy I did not do what I felt I had to do at three days after his death.  Guilt ate my guts up because I was not holding him, and I could/should have been.  I've even learned to fight that guilt and believe that Billy forgives me.  

Good Gosh Kay, don't ever leave me, or the others.  Mitch, don't leave.  I depend on each of you that have gone further on the journey than I have to speak your mind.  I know if this ole country redneck gets help, surely more articulate people can take comfort in your foray into this journey.  Don't leave.  If you do, I will have to follow somewhere.  I'm glad I got rid of the pills.  No more suicidal thoughts, but only because of the people on this forum.  

[MartyT]

Kay, I don't know what I've said that would give you the impression that I'd rather you not be here. I would hope that I've let you know repeatedly, both publicly and privately, how much your presence on this site means to me and to all our members.

Reminding our members that we offer additional forums is by no means equivalent to banning you or anyone else from staying in this forum. Good heavens! Was my post that poorly worded as to be so badly misinterpreted?! 

[iheartm]

I was not trying to be unkind. I was using a grief support board to convey how I was feeling when reading some posts from people who are further along and are not still in the raw emotional state that I am in. 

I had a friend who recently suggested that I meet a friend of hers for coffee. This lady had lost her spouse suddenly two years ago and my friend thought it would be good to chat with someone who has been there. So I met the lady for coffee and while she was nice and I appreciated her taking the time to offer to chat, I could not help but feel even worse that I have been feeling because she kept talking to me as if she is an authority on what one must do when their spouse dies because she's been on this road and is further along than I am. "You can't wallow in it, you can't continue to live in a pit of grief, you have to live on..." those types of things. Now obviously, I know all of those things need to happen. The issue is that I do not need to hear that right now. Maybe later, but offering them now just did not feel very supportive. I don't know if what I am saying makes sense. But there it is. 

And yes, I don't have many interests these days and for right now, for me, that has to be okay.

[BillT]

iheartm,

I at 11 weeks in, really feel like I understand your point.   This is a strange and frightening journey with apparently numerous twists and turns.  Personally I have only experienced devastation to this point in my journey.  I wish you strength as you need it.  

[Margm]

No Marty, it was not poorly worded.  You never put anything on here that does not help us all.  I realize that people that are on this journey only a few short weeks, they do not see light at the end of the tunnel.  When I discovered this forum, I read everything.  Then, in talking with my friends who had been widows from only a few months up to 18 years, I found out that there is life after our mates death.  I don't think any of us will be kicking up our heels, and when they told me things would be easier, they did not mean I would quit missing Billy, they just meant that I had room to breath.  As it was, at the beginning I had to quit screaming because it hurt my head so, but I would cry until I thought I could not breath and I would think, "okay, maybe if I cry harder it will all be quiet and dark and I can be with Billy."  I still cry ever so often.  I still yell at him.  He would expect it.  I pray to Jesus and talk to Billy.  I figure they just consider the source, both of them.  And for those that don't believe, then they don't have to buy into my belief.  

But, the idea that I was so distraught that I had to take my own life, make my children and grandchildren more troubled, this forum pulled me through.  And for those just beginning the journey, we all take different paths.  I doubt any of you will follow my path, but I don't mind following behind you that are more experienced.  I love hearing  about your touching your loved ones in spirit, I am addicted to your progress.  I cannot call it recovery, I can only follow your progress and hope for mine.  The newest ones to the forum, you cannot possibly be any lower than I was, you cannot crawl under a snakes belly.  But if there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone.  Maybe not abject happiness, but numb spells where you are satisfied that you did not die too.  It made me understand Billy telling me "the one left must stay."  Somehow.  

And Kay, you living off in the mountains by yourself, you having all the problems that you have.  Your courage gives me hope.  You volunteer, you try to live.  I admire that so much.

[Gin]

Kay,. I appreciate you being here!!  I do not always post, but I always read your posts.

gin

[mittam99]

iheartm,

I am a very caring, loving person. My grief journey has been very hard and I've lost everything. Tammy was my world and my soul mate.

I'm not trying to preach when I post topics of hope. I'm trying to convey to those who are feeling in a hopeless state, that there is hope. It is never my intention to diminish anyone's grief and to suggest that I am somehow belittling those who are not so far along is an unfair characterization. That is absolutely a 100% misreading of who I am as a human being.

I'm trying to give back to members here all the love and concern they showed me.