It hurts so bad

[Margm]

I have a flip phone they will have to pry from my cold dead hands.  I will never have a smartphone, but Billy did.  When it rang I would always try to answer it and would always lose whoever was calling.  No matter how many times he would tell me how to do it.  Also, the thermostat on the wall, he had to draw me pictures and tape them up so I would know when to cool and heat.  I have a Kindle that has a keyboard, fancy, and a new Dell laptop that I don't use at all unless I am away from home.  I prefer the PC.  I hate for them to take away our DVD's and CD's.  Hope they don't.  I can listen to some stuff, some stuff I have to walk away from.  His pictures still bother me.  But, I sleep with the pants he wore all the time.  Wrapped around a pillow.  

How are you feeling Karen.  Do you still have the dizziness?  Have you had your tests yet?  Let us hear how you are doing, okay?  

[scba]

Marg, I understand your feelings. I'm preparing my luggage I'm leaving on Tuesday. Just one luggage because I don't know for how long I will be gone nor If I will find a job to settle. Although it is only one item with my clothes, I'm fighting hard to restrain the will to cry, and do what your friend did, take a hammer and destroy my suitcase. This was not supposed to be my fate. I'm very very scared of the future as never before. One hour at a time.....

 

[mittam99]

Ana, my heart goes out to you. I know you're scared, understandably. I wish I had the words to dry your tears. Like you said, a moment at a time. As much as you're dreading all this we never know where this journey will go. Maybe just maybe, Tuesday will bring good things and good feelings. 

Best of luck to you... you deserve only the best of life with some happiness, too.

Hugs,

Mitch

 

[enna]

Ana,

Remember, you have those of us here that will be with you. 

Anne

[Margm]

Ana, change scares me so bad.  This cleaning out of this house is done by procrastinators who should have their picture in the Wikipedia to describe what procrastinate means.  Billy was terrible, but like I said, when it came to dying, he did not procrastinate.  I got so bogged down with just his things that my daughter is going to have to come help me get rid of things.  She is a garage sale expert.  I am not.  Moving is a big concern.  But, a bigger pain and concern is staying in this one place, trying to tread water.  I can tread water for a few minutes, but I get frightened and then cannot swim.  That is my part in life right now, and maybe yours too.  We are afraid of change.  Maybe in your case you might not want change but have to do it anyhow.  In my case I want change but I am scared, still, I know I will drown if I just stay here.  We have faced our mates death.  We maybe don't like to accept it, but we have no choice.  Sometimes maybe we have no choice in change either.  Our brain, our mind, our thinking probably won't move on for a long time, but our physical location might make things better.  No guarantee.  I just cannot keep treading water.  For those that can swim it is no problem.  For me, it is a problem.  I sure wish you well, and pack that suitcase good.  Don't take a hammer to it yet.  Let us know how things go and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.  

[kayc]

Change comes bucking and kicking for me.  It IS hard, because it's unknown.  Ana, I hope it presents as a land of opportunities and you get good feelings and results from your stepping out.  Wishing you well!

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Ana, change scares me so bad.

You're not alone, Marg. I've never been one who likes changes. I still have a 10 year old pair of tennis shoes I wear from time to time.

CHANGE

• to make different in some particular :  alter

• to make radically different : transform

• to give a different position, course, or direction to

• to replace with another 

• to undergo a modification of

Let's face it. We are all here because of the biggest and most unwanted change in our life... living without our soul mate. No one really likes change and that change is so unimaginably horrible. Now we are left to live our life in a completely different way. From here on out our whole life is based on change. We've been changed forever. Day by day we are experiencing all the many (unwanted) changes of this new life. It is overwhelming.

But somehow we slowly adapt and evolve. It takes time.and it takes a new way of thinking at times.

Change is a big part of the grieving process, so I guess we need to learn to embrace it. Easier said than done, though.

[enna]

Hey, everyone, we made it through another week. And Mitch this quote reminded me of your post above. . .   Anne

 

[mittam99]

Anne, that picture of the dog is great, comic relief!

[mittam99]

Today's grief journey report. Day 406.

Woke up late. I haven't been getting enough sleep and I was shocked when I saw the clock said 10:30. Didn't have to work so no biggie. Ate something. Thought about Tammy. Washed clothes. Vacuumed. Thought about Tammy. Teared up.

Opened up some of Tammy's dresser drawers. Completely lost it! Seeing her socks and undergarments instantly caused me to cry to the heavens in agony. Tammy should still be here!

When you think you're functioning and everything is more or less ok, truth is, it's really not. This life is living but living with very little happiness. I still want to invent that time machine that can take me back in time. Tammy would be here and I'd find the cure for Lupus. 

[Guest]

Mitch-

It is just below the surface, ALWAYS, isn't it?  The Mayo Clinic sent me a request for a donation for cancer research and of course I'm quick to comply.  But then as soon as I was in the site and did a memoriam for Deedo the flood gates opened.  

We'll work together on the time machine only if I can use it to catch Deedo's cancer when it was still Stage one and there was some hope.

[mittam99]

7 minutes ago, Brad said:

 We'll work together on the time machine only if I can use it to catch Deedo's cancer when it was still Stage one and there was some hope.

I'm down with that, Brad. All members here are welcome to pitch in. Too bad H.G. Wells isn't around to help us as well. Just sayin'.

[Margm]

MD Anderson checks on me each year.  If I ignore them, they find me.  I am a statistic and they have to keep up with us.  The last time I wrote on the back that my examination was negative and wrote what the doc had told me "If we found anything we could not fix it."  That was it in a nutshell.  I have not heard back from MD Anderson.  

[Gwenivere]

Ana, we are all here to listen and empathize as you make this huge change.  When it gets tough, just turn us on and I know we will do the best we can thru this limited venue to help.  You are stronger than you think.  We all are and sometimes need that reminder.  

[iPraiseHim]

5 hours ago, Brad said:

Mitch-

It is just below the surface, ALWAYS, isn't it?  

Facebook decided to remind of a memory post from one year ago, "Two months... Shalom"  I told Facebook I don't need to reminded of this every year.  I remember it every day.  They said they were sorry and would not bring it up as a memory again.  GOOD.  Thanks Facebook! NOT!!! 

[scba]

Thank all of you for your support. You are friends to me.  after some sobbing I took the initiative to download the map and apps from the town.

[mittam99]

Ana, we all are here for each other.

[mittam99]

These are not my words and I'm not trying to imply that anyone should take them as gospel. Just some interesting food for thought.

Here's another one that had me thinking...

Another quote to ponder...

[Gwenivere]

I like them all, but the last really hits home!  It's so hard for the mind to accept impermanence.  At least this addled little one.

[kayc]

I like the middle one, I'm not sure I understand the first one.

[Margm]

I like "But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."  

[hollowheart]

So sick of everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[Margm]

@HH, at three days past Billy's death I found this forum.  Without it, I am sure I would be gone also.  Sometimes life is very hard to keep living.  One of our members mentioned even getting out of bed in the morning was an accomplishment..  Many things were mentioned that go through my mind often.  Putting one foot in front of the other sounds so simple, but sometimes all you want to do is stand still.  That is okay too, but eventually that one foot has to move, if the rest of the body moves.  It is natural to want to "leave" also, but yet like another member says, when you are falling off a cliff you reach for anything.  And, then the "one size does not fit all."  I think sometimes I have it so bad.  How can I lose my mate and still have to worry about where/when/how/why my 95-year-old Alzheimer's Mom will be taken care of.  My retirement is enough for me, but it is not enough to support three families and sometimes/most times I have to do that too.  I think I cannot go on and I remember about the man who cried because he had no shoes, until he saw the man who had no feet.  Each story on this forum is heart wrenching..  And each one of us has "miles to go before we sleep."  We will keep putting one foot in front of the other, you and I, and that is how we will make it.  Virtual hugs to you my friend.

[scba]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

So sick of everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Hold on dear HH. A big hug

[kayc]

I could not say it any better than Margaret & Ana.  We care, I know it's not enough but hopefully it counts for something.