It hurts so bad

[Gin]

I talked to a friend today who told me that now I am free to do all the things I always  wanted to do but couldn't.  What a joke!  Anything we wanted to do, we did.  There is nothing I want to do without Al.  She does not understand that just simple things like eating together, watching TV, shopping, etc was all I really cared for and miss so much.  No replacement!

gin

[Margm]

1 minute ago, Gin said:

She does not understand

Gin, she really does not understand.  My friend who told me that I would now find out who I am, she had lost her husband, had been married 3 days before I had.  She remarried after two years and this husband has been at death's door for 11 years.  And, she did understand.  I guess she will understand again and I dread it for her.  Makes you wonder if people that say things like that envy you your "freedom."  And, it is a freedom we don't want. My friend was angry at her husband the whole two years before remarrying.  He had cancer.  It was not like he wanted to go, but she and my mother both treated their grief as anger at their husband's for leaving.  Maybe that is a self protective mechanism for them.  I cannot remember Mama grieving like this.

[mittam99]

Gin and Marg...

Few understand what this new life is like for us. We all know that someone who hasn't experienced the death of a spouse won't truly "get" us. That's a given. But I'll let you in on a "secret". The majority of women and men who have lost their spouse don't really "get" us, either. 

The reason? The people posting in this forum were living with or married to their soul mate. We loved and were loved unconditionally. That person made us complete and without them we feel like we're missing a huge part of ourselves. The truth is most people never experience a relationship like that. They simply can't relate.

So, the next time someone says something that makes you cringe...

Just remember that you had a love in your life that they can't even imagine!

[Margm]

2 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Just remember that you had a love in your life that they can't even imagine!

They were our life Mitch.  Now we have half a life, if even half.  But, I guess we all will learn to walk again, or we won't.  

[Gwenivere]

My gawd, Gin!  I cannot believe someone would say that to you!  How absolutely insensitive.  Then again, I think about things said to me and wonder what planet they lived on.  Like you, I had no 'secret' wishes unfulfilled cause of Steve.  Our life together was.....my life!  Oh yeah, now I can go do that skydiving I always wanted....yeah, right.  I just want to talk to him over dinner again!

[Gin]

Mitch, Marg, Gwen,.  The weird part of this is that this friend DID lose her husband 15 years ago.  But as you said, Mitch, we lost our soul mates.

[mittam99]

Gin, if I was a betting man (I'm not) and had $1,000,000 to bet (I don't), I'd guess that the vast majority of couples are not soul mates. We were very blessed. And of course that's why we ache so deeply and profoundly.

[Gin]

I think you are 100% right, Mitch.  Makes it that much harder.

[kayc]

I agree.  I feel I was so lucky to have had him in my life, even if it was too short.

[mittam99]

This will be hard to put into words but I will try...

What I'm now trying to do in my life is take the amazing life and incredible love Tammy and I had and "harness" it in a way that will keep it alive forever. I think about us and what a perfect team we were. How we were so much better together. I keep Tammy's essence inside of me. Her endless courage, her spirit, her smile, her everything. She's with me every moment, giving me the strength I need to live in this new life that I never wanted.

I don't know if that makes sense to others. If I wasn't able to do this I don't think I would be progressing at all in my journey. 

[kayc]

It makes all the sense in the world, Mitch.  We have to make it continue to count for something, and that's a great way to do it!

[Margm]

Kay, I had Billy for 54 years and it was not enough time.  It never would have been enough time.

[kayc]

True.

[mittam99]

You know what Kay? It really is Tammy that's giving me the strength I need. We need courage to live in this world of grief. It's easy to feel like giving up. Giving in to the hopelessness of it. Tammy NEVER gave up even when the odds were stacked against her. She was a fighter. If you look up courage in the dictionary, Tammy's picture should be there.

I'm going to honor her by trying my best and pushing myself even during those times I could give in to the hardships of this grief journey. And I know she'll be here in spirit encouraging me and sending me love. It will always be Mitch and Tammy.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,. I want to keep Al inside me and always feel him, but sometimes I just do not feel him.  Maybe it will come.

[Gin]

A few of you mentioned the movie, " Hachi" the other day.  I had not heard of it and watched it the other night.  Well, the first half was fine, but the the tears started and did not stop.  Did any of feel,like you WERE Hachi?  When that friend came up to the waiting dog and said "Hachi, you don't have to wait any more.  He's never coming back.".  I heard it as "Gin, you don't have to wait anymore.  Al is never coming back".  All I can do is hope that somehow, somewhere we will be reunited and be together again.

[mittam99]

Gin... Marg... Kay... Cookie... Gwen... Patty... Brad... Polly... George... Maryann... Ana... Stephen... and everyone who is dealing with grief...

Sometimes you just need this ...

My arms aren't long enough to reach all of you so this picture will have to do.

[Margm]

Gin, the last time I cried, and it won't be my last time for sure, but that time I quit.  I told myself that all the tears in the world would not bring him back and then I was just silent.  I did not even talk to him.  I always talk to him when I am by myself.  

[kayc]

I bawled through Hachi.  

[Clematis]

I watched Hachi and it really worried me...am I Hachi? Is this my life now? I hope not...

[Patty65]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

Mitch, Marg, Gwen,.  The weird part of this is that this friend DID lose her husband 15 years ago.  But as you said, Mitch, we lost our soul mates.

When I read your post, I thought, "SHE has secret things she always wanted to do..."  Yes, Gin, that was so not about you, and her blindness hurt you, it seems to me.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 The people posting in this forum were living with or married to their soul mate. We loved and were loved unconditionally. That person made us complete and without them we feel like we're missing a huge part of ourselves. The truth is most people never experience a relationship like that. They simply can't relate.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this.  I always assumed other couples we knew were just as committed and bonded.  One thing I have had my eyes opened to is a clearer look at them all.  I can pretty much predict which will feel this enormous pain and be forever changed and which will be crushed, but not this extent.  There are a lot of unions out there that just scratch the surface  of how deep a love can be.   This experience has truly made me see why I am where I am because I invested my life into this man.  And he into me.  Now I have a better understanding of things that were around me all the time but didn't see because I had such a great thing.  Listening now to how couples talk to and about each other hurts because they do have each other, but many times that is about the extent of it.

[Froggie4635]

I've been keeping up with everyone's posts.  It just shows me how each individual life affects another.  We are all working our way along this journey, stopping and staying in certain spots for as long as needed, but then moving along a little bit more.  I believe, as Mitch put it, that those of us here are dealing with the loss of our soul mate...a connection not everyone has a chance to experience.  When you try and explain that to someone, they look at you funny...sometimes that includes people that are close to us.  That's because there a million different reasons why people get married.  I know it will be part of my journey to find the gratitude of having Mark in my life for as long as I did...but right now all I can feel is disappointment that it wasn't for longer.  But I just had a thought pop in my mind...perhaps from Mark.  "Quantity versus quality".  Oh, we had the highest of quality.  It is hard to have such a taste of such unconditional love, and then have it be gone.  We didn't have enough time to be able to do all those things we talked about.  How were we to know that our time was going to be so limited.  I am now beginning to feel those losses...those trips we never got to take, the things I never got to share with Mark.  We loved being with each other, and it was enough for us.  But all couples want to share times and places and make new memories with each other.  I feel cheated right now...and it creates a feeling I can't explain.  It is like anger, but who should it be directed at?  We cherished the fact that we found each other, and never took that for granted.  I am trying to use the love we had for each other to move myself forward, to hold on to that sweet feeling.  Mark helped nurture my ever growing creative side, and I am trying to find a way to channel that.  It is a way to keep my connection to him strong and vibrant. I hope he knows how much he was responsible for me being able to release this part of me.  I couldn't find the way to "let it out" if not for the confidence his love gave me.  He believed in me...and that is the greatest gift anyone can give.  I know he knew that I believed in him, because I saw a change in him.  When we met, he had given up on himself and the hope of having love.  He wrote about it in all the cards he gave me over the time we had together.  It is just proof to me that our souls knew when we came together just what we had found.  It was what we had needed and wanted our entire lives.  It took us a while to trust that we had found the :real" thing.  Mark wrote to me about feeling so much in the dark, and when we met, it was like a slimmer of light breaking through the dark...something to move him forward.  As he did, and opened himself up to it being real, the light got brighter; until he was completely out of that dark, scary forest and into the bright.  I feel blessed that I was able to nurture that in him.  But I got the strength to nurture him, by drawing it from him.  I think it is the definition of soul mate.  We opened each other up.  And now it is my duty to honor him by keeping it going; to stay open to that love.  I understand what Mitch talks about by having all that love to draw upon.  Some days it is harder to have only the memories.  But the love lives in those memories.  A precious gift given to us. 

[Margm]

Sometimes I want to question other people's relationships, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors?  An acquaintance (not a friend) tried to work the hours just opposite her husband's hours so she would not have to be around him.  He passed away.  I wonder if she felt true grief for the years they raised two boys or if she had hated him so much she could not be around him.  Now she isn't, I wonder if she grieves.  It did not happen long ago.  I never thought about it till now.  She is a public person, minor politics.  People disliked her and finally got her out of office. I wonder if she relives her mistake.   My mother with only anger, my friend with terrific anger.  Who were they angry at.  My last emotion showed to Billy was anger because I thought he was giving up, I did not know he actually was dying.  And, that is something I hope I am forgiven for.  He loved being held so much.  I showed him anger.  The most loved person in my life ever, how could I do that?  That I have to let go..  I just wish he could tell me he forgives me.  

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

But all couples want to share times and places and make new memories with each other.

---------------------------------------- 

I am trying to use the love we had for each other to move myself forward, to hold on to that sweet feeling. 

Wonderful post, Maryann. I wanted to touch on the two thoughts I quoted you on above. I think they are both quite important.

Regarding point one about all couples wanting new shared memories and times together...

Sadly, I don't think that's the case. So many couples are only together for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's "because of the kids". Some stay together because their partner earns a lot of money and they love the lifestyle. Some have just been married so long they're "used to" what they have and fear the unknown. There are even many loveless unions. It's hard for us at the forum to fathom this because we found our cherished soul mate. We were incredibly lucky and amazingly blessed.

To hammer that point home..

I work with the public and  had this conversation with a newly widowed man. "How are you doing Mitch? I'm so sorry to hear about your wife". I replied (tears welling up), "Thanks. It's hard, I'm just taking things a day at a time". He replied "You know what you need Mitch? Another woman". Honestly, I felt like punching him in the nose but I was so taken aback I just blurted out "No, no I don't. I just need my Tammy back".

Most people don't have anything resembling the relationships we shared.

Point number two...

I am so glad you are using all that love you and Mark shared to motivate you! You worded it perfectly when you said "hold on to that sweet feeling". That's it exactly. Sure, many of the memories I have of Tammy bring me to tears because of our deep love and soulful connection. But, it's that same deep love and that sweet feeling of being with my special girl that I have to hold onto in this new life moving forward. I'm using that life I loved and the woman of my dreams to propel me. In a sense, Tammy will be moving forward right by my side where she belongs.