It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

I think that everyone grieves in their own way based on their own history and their own beliefs. And that's how it should be. This is a very personal, difficult and lonely journey and all any of us can do is experience it one day at a time.

[Margm]

Somehow I have bared my whole being on here.  I was not feeling as lonely.  Maybe that was a misconception on my part.  I guess we do all grieve differently.  We reach for help where we can, each of us in different ways.  Like was said, one size does not fit all, but we reach for peace anywhere we can.  

[Guest Janka]

As Margaret said,if God can not be mentioned on this forum,I will have to leave it,too...But I asked about that here and I´ve got very clear answer that no one can forbid talking about God here...It´s not possible.So,don´t worry!

With love Janka

[Gwenivere]

Janka, talking about God is not forbidden nor is expressing a reaction/feeling to something posted.   When we write here, we open a dialogue.  That is all I intended to do.  My intention was never meant as an attack.  Maybe I could have worded it better.  That this caused you anger, I can only apologize and hope you'll stay that shining star I think of you as.  Much love to you.  ?

Edited February 28, 2016 by Gwenivere
Added thought

[kayc]

It's okay to mention God here, but it's not allowed to tell others what they should/shouldn't believe.  The purpose of this forum is to bring healing to the grieving soul, correct me if I'm wrong, Marty.

[Margm]

Faith is discussed here in this post.

@Kayc:  I know Marty will agree with you 100%.  And, I am surprised at my passionate reaction, but I find myself happier about myself for my replies.  Our path on this journey is definitely not just about me.  We all face battles every hour, every minute, every second of each day. Watching the coach Monty Williams stand in front of all those people at his wife's funeral, I was doubting this man could have such a strong belief that he could put his trust in something he could not see, my heart was so hardened I became even more a doubting Thomas.  My heart did not defrost at all. In fact, I could only think that it became frozen when I saw Billy's death mask that Saturday morning some 20 weeks ago.  That was not the time it froze.  It froze the minute I tried to pray in a chapel where my faith had been stripped from completely.  It began freezing when the "everyman's" minister tried to pray his "everyman's prayer.  Having been given two miracles of life myself, having known that even some doctors will say it is up to a higher power, I was very surprised at my strong belief.  But, after so long without my faith, it was a relief to find this path was still open.  It was not only open, but some of the brambles were actually cleared away. But this is not all about me.  The reply "one size does not fit all," and an answer that you cannot see the air you breathe, you cannot see love, and knowing you cannot see each person's pain, and you realize you cannot feel each other's pain, and no one person can walk the other's path, you reach out for a life preserver thrown in dark cold waters on a long dark night.   You reach, but yet you know, not everyone will be able to find this.  There is no cure for the pain, and indeed one size does not fit all.  

My reaction to this subject was a total surprise to me.  I can say though, I feel better because of it.  But my selfish grasp of this life preserver did not help anyone but me.  It did not remove my pain, nor did it help anyone else.  

I realize I was given many years, and I realize I passed many milestones that did not happen for everyone.  I am thankful for all of that.  No one person's pain is made greater or less by the number of years.  I was so bitter.  I could only see my pain.  I know each anniversary I could not post with any fanfair because some of my friends did not make it that far.  But this morning I am grateful that I was given so many blessings.  This morning I can see and feel them, yesterday I could not.  Faith also is something you cannot see, but I am thankful this morning knowing it has not left me.  But the pain, I know it will always be with me too.  That is my journey,   There is no "I" in me, you, or us.  And prayer is something "I" have to work on.  "I" am not there yet.

[MartyT]

You're not wrong, Kay, and of course "it's okay to mention God here," and this is certainly not the first time this subject has been discussed in our forums ~ but experience tells me that whenever such a discussion takes place here, we run the risk of offending someone or of stepping on someone else's beliefs. We need to bear in mind that not everyone believes as we do, and in fact, some of us may not even believe in God or a Higher Power at all. Some of us believe in an afterlife; others of us do not; and many of us aren't sure what to believe. As has been stated elsewhere, when we're hit with significant loss, grief causes most of us to question our faith and to question whatever we may have believed up until our loss. This is a normal part of the grief process. See, for example, Religion and Spirituality in Grief (including the Related Articles and Resources listed at the base).

Our policy regarding the discussion of religion and spirituality in our forums is mentioned in this post: http://j.mp/1oHuOpE

 

[Margm]

"I" went back and read this post from 09/27/2011.  And I hope I was not "preachy" or "offsetting."  Indeed, it discussed spirituality and religion.  I do not remember the word "faith."  Perhaps they cannot be separated.  Perhaps they are all the same.  Faith can be in one's own self.  Billy always said I was him and he was me.  So, in all these "I's" I have not signed his name again, "I" should be "we."  And Billy and I did not always agree on religious belief.  But, he was always with me to find my faith. It was always important to him that I have it, and in so doing, we were "us,"  He did leave me and so did my faith.  Finding it again was my own personal journey.  I cannot enter that cold impersonal chapel again. "I" won't lose what has returned.  But "I" will certainly not force it on anyone else. 

[Kpl48]

[Cookie]

Gin:  My husband was exactly the same way; so handy, fixed everything.  It's hard to get used to having to take care of everything.  I hope your stuff gets fixed.  Right after John died, the boiler went out, the toilet sprung a leak, the truck needed repair, etc.  John built our house so that made it even harder.  He knew every nook and cranny of it and I do not.  I feel a little bit spoiled; I guess I was.  He had put in concrete floors and a radiant heat system and the boiler came from Canada.  Luckily I finally found a heat and air company who could figure things out.  It's been so scary, and, of course, you worry about the financial side of it.  I was really angry at first, thinking thanks a lot for putting all this stuff in that no one has ever heard of.  Then I realized that was what I had loved about him.  His creativity and handiness.....but, I do know what you're talking about in terms of worrying about whether it will be fixable.  Take care, Cookie

[Cookie]

Everyone:  I don't think I ever said God should not be mentioned on the forum.  I said we need to be careful about saying that God or faith is what you need to ease your grief, etc.  It's one thing to talk about your personal journey with God or whatever belief system and another to say or imply that is what others need to help them.  Looking at the reactions, I guess I'm the one who should leave the forum.  Sorry I ruffled so many feathers.  It's just a strong feeling I have about religious matters.  

[mittam99]

Cookie... you certainly didn't ruffle my feathers. Oh wait... I don't have feathers.

And please stick around! 

You've said nothing that anyone should be offended by.

[Margm]

Cookie, I did not read your post.  I am afraid I got too passionate about what I felt was a breakthrough and then crash landed.  Like Mitch said, we all come from different backgrounds.  When I have to talk to someone from a different country for computer help, or ATT, I have to explain that they are speaking to a great grandmother from the deep south.  So, that is my background with some redneck thrown in. Despite three police cars and an ambulance at my house at around 2:00 am, I was not cooking meth.   

[Gwenivere]

Seems to me all are in agreement.  All are welcome, all means of self help is accepted.  Just have to keep in mind what works for one may not work for another.  I'd really like to see all this discord behind us all.  Group hug?  Feathers or not?  

[kayc]

(((Group hug)))  

[Cookie]

Everything is fine.  I just had a moment.  I have those more since John died; hopefully that will lessen.  You're all very kind and supportive.  Hugs to everyone from me....Cookie

[hollowheart]

2 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Everything is fine.  I just had a moment.  I have those more since John died; hopefully that will lessen.  You're all very kind and supportive.  Hugs to everyone from me....Cookie

I have those moments about 15 times a day, lol. I get it.

[Guest]

“Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be – or so it feels – welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.”

[kayc]

Brad, your quote from CS Lewis is profound.  It depicts what we often feel like when encountering our most troubling times.  It is written about by mystics such as in "Dark Night of the Soul".  It is when we have hit rock bottom and feel most deserted that we often grow...something hard to explain, but true.  It reminds me of a song, "In the Valley, He Restoreth my soul".  One of those mysteries...

[Cookie]

I'm wondering how many of you here relate to this.  My husband has been dead a little over 8 months.  We went through his sickness and death here at this house.  We had always been so happy here.  He built the house and loved it and the property.  It sounded so nice (not really nice; just the most comfortable option for him) for him to die at home.  I'm okay a lot of the time, although, always sad when I look around, knowing he's never going to be here again and seeing him everywhere.  I have these moments, though, where the bottom falls out when I'm sitting here and I'm not distracted.  It feels like the walls are closing in on me and I can't imagine living here anymore.  I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone else has had these feelings and does it ever get better.  I may have to move at some time, but don't want to do it out of desperation if I don't have to; what a way to leave this beautiful home.  I had an episode today and was just looking for some feedback.  Thanks everyone, Cookie

[scba]

Hello Cookie, In this subject I cannot offer any piece of advise. I had to leave the appartment we were renting 3 weeks after his passing. We were living abroad and mum travelled to bring me back to my home town. It was necessary since I stopped eating and just wanted to die. Im still living with my family, my parents are young. Looking back, it was the right decission, although I miss my old life and sometimes it feels as if I have been abducted. 

 Although it is advised not to take big decissions in the first year, sometimes there is no choice. If you have a choice I suggest younto wait and see. My thought would be that if a place or a situation is adding much hurt, it is wise to change.

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I have so many mixed feelings about our home we took 30 years to make perfect for us.  Additions, changes, decor, etc.  So everywhere around me has his influence or input.  What was one a 'perfect fit' is so large now.  Certainly more than one person needs.  His inside office is a room I have to pass thru to get access to the backyard.  His music studio, once filled with sound and activity is where I brush the dogs in winter.  Sometimes his buddies come by to use it, but I am not a participant in that beyond saying hello,and letting them in.  The other rooms have changed because we do nothing together in them.  Even my scpacred office seems empty at times because he would come talk to me or fix a computer problem.  The kitchen is so cold now because of not cooking meals for us, I just do the easiest I can because eating alone is so lonely.  Sometimes all the familiarity feels so alien.  But I cannot fathom moving because I would have to touch every single thing and also decide if it came or stayed.  This is a perfect example of something we never thought twice about when our partners were here.  It was so comfortable.  A haven from the world.  I struggle with being out there and coming home to a place I love but overwhelms me with memories and changes.   I don't feel comfortable anywhere right now.  It's very disconcerting and I sometimes wander around here now knowing what to do.  It's always organized because there isn't a shared life going on anymore.  The biggest disruption is the dogs and maybe muddy paw marks to clean up.  I find things to do to kill time or are just familiar habits of cleaning needed or not.  I wake up every day knowing it will look exactly the same because no one else has done anything like make a sandwich or left some laundry.  It's a heck of a predicament and I wonder too if it will get better.  I spent all last summer having the yard restored, looks great but doesn't solve the interior  emptiness.  It's been 16 months so I am sorry to say it's still a big struggle.

[brat#2]

Cookie, my husband has been dead almost 8 months (on the 10th) and yes we went through his sickness here at our home also, but he died in a Hospice center, so I don't have that part of it to deal with.  I totally get your feeling sad  when looking around your home and seeing him everywhere because I do the same thing.  I wish I could offer you some help in feeling better but I can't because I find more comfort being here that not.  But I'm sure it would be better if you didn't leave out of desperation so you wouldn't have that guilt on top of everything else.  Leave when you want to, if you ever want to.

[Guest]

Cookie - 

I'm in my wife's house.  I bought it for her nearly thirty years ago and it was the only thing I remember her asking for.  It is Deedo from the ceilings to the floors.  She believed in wall decor.  I do have the advantage in that her bad times were mostly in the Valley, Hope Lodge for several months, an apartment for the last three and a half months, Hospice of the Valley for the last eighteen hours.  For me home is where I feel closest to Deedo.  Lots of tears, and know too well about the bottom falling out.  Take your time in making plans to move.  I would give it several years unless the pain becomes unbearable.  The time will come when the pain lessens and the happy memories won't hurt so much.  At least that is the hope I hold onto.  

[kayc]

I once thought I could never leave this place where I have so many memories, I watched my children grow up here, my husband loved it here, this is the place he was most comfortable in the world, this is the place where I laid his ashes to rest.  But lately I've felt tired of being responsible for all of the upkeep, yet I can't move because I'm upsidedown on it, so I'm afraid I'm stuck here for a long while.  Would I move if I could?  I don't know because that's not an option.

Eight months isn't very far out, I'd give it more time before deciding.  You could easily feel totally different a year from now.  But if it's at the point of causing you upset, you might go ahead anyway, just understand whatever you do is irreversible.