I Won't Give Up

[KATPILOT]

Last weekend I went to see Zootopia with my grandchildren for the fifth time.  I absolutely love this movie and I now understand why. I'm a kid at heart. My wife and I were at Disneyland every year since we met. The magic of the place was how every problem I ever had was forgotten the moment I arrived. If you could say which was the happiest time of your life, being there with Kathy was mine. It ended when she died. I went back a year later to meet my oldest son and family there and having arrived before them, I went into the park alone. Bad idea! Really a bad idea. With tears in my eyes, I asked myself what the hell I was doing there. Was I a masochist? Who would do such a sick thing? Being with the family the next day brought distraction and made it much better but still...........   

I am a big fan of animation art and Kathy loved all those Disney films so there I am, watching this film again and enjoying it more every time I see it. This time however I had insight to something very special. I noticed all four of my grandchildren were singing along with the opening song. It was the lyrics that got me. It was the message that young children needed to understand. It was a lesson I needed to learn too. I needed to remember this lesson I had long forgotten. 

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight

I still mess up but I'll just start again

I keep falling down, i keep on hitting the ground

I always get up now to see what's next

 

Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up

Nobody learns without getting it won

 

I won't give up, no I won't give in

Till I reach the end and then I'll start again

No I won't leave, I wanna try everything

I wanna try even though I could fail

Shakira

So when I tell my grandchildren that the message is to try even though you might fail, it's me that needed to hear it. I needed to  remember Kathy's simple philosophy  "Try Everything"

[KATPILOT]

I have talked before about how I wanted to get back into doing art again but never had the time. I think I have been afraid to draw what I wanted because I feared I couldn't. Taking my own advice, I have to try even though I could fail.  When we first met, I drew her face a thousand times. I would draw it on my shower window every morning in the steam and then I would kiss her lips.  I knew every inch of her face. It was burned in my mind through our time together. I could see her in the dark with my finger tips. When she left, the image remained, still in my mind, to see with my eyes closed every night as I lie in bed. Today I finally did it. I made the step and left behind my fear that I never could do it again. I know it's weak and just drawn on a piece of printing paper with a #2 pencil but it's a start. I felt better than I have in a long time. I did in this case work off a photograph  because that look in her eye haunts me. What she was thinking about, I will never know.

[enna]

I really like this, Stephen. I am so glad that you are using this avenue for healing. Whether it be journaling, music, art, poetry, or whatever I believe these are all Tools for Healing. Thank you for sharing a part of your Kathy with us again.

Anne

[MartyT]

Your drawing is stunning, Stephen ~ and beautiful. I too am glad to learn that you're allowing yourself to use this avenue to express yourself. Clearly you have a talent for it  ♥

[brat#2]

Stephen - absolutely beautiful!  What a talent you have.  I'm glad that you are able to do it again and hope you will continue to draw.  I haven't been able to back into my creative outlets yet, I use to do all kinds of crafts, just don't seem to have the interest right now and besides without Dale here to oh and ah over something I made, it seems useless.  I'm hoping that some day it will appeal to me again and again I'm glad that is has come back to you.

Joyce

 

[KATPILOT]

Joyce you might think about the holidays this year. Sometimes when we have a motivation such as gift giving, crafts made by you become rather special and perhaps that thought as well as a little more time just might make it happen. It's also a release in a therapeutic way to create. I held myself back for so long and Kathy used to always say "just do it". When we bought a place in Calgary before she got sick, she made the basement her sewing room and persuaded me to get water colors, brushes, and papers so I could do what I never had tried before. We would have spent the summers in my semi retirement working together down there. I left everything there when I closed the place down and turned away from doing anything that reminded me of what we had planned. You just "keep swimming" okay?

[brat#2]

Stephen, that's when I used to do a lot of my craft making, was for Christmas gifts.  I also made most of the décor in our living room.  Anyway, last Christmas was my 1st one without Dale wasn't in much of a mood for anything.  Maybe this year might be better.  I will "keep swimming" and hopefully will be able to swim out of this big black hole.  Thank you for your inspiration.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Stephen,

It's incredible!  You have talent.  I wish I could do something like that but I just make cards.  I do understand what you mean, my gumption pretty much got up and left when George died.  I've gotten into it for a bit now and then, but not like I used to, I used to have a lot of joy when making them.  I'm in kind of a slump right now.  I did make a book for my granddaughter and enjoyed making it.  Yesterday we celebrated her first birthday, which is on the 26th.  

[KATPILOT]

I understand the loss of gumption. We tend to feel flat about anything we would have done with glee before we lost a driving force in our lives. I didn't just lose the desire, I was scared. I was scared I would fail for in my mind I couldn't bear to fail at drawing her face. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't get it right. It might not make much sense but having it turn out wrong, well I just couldn't face that.  That's why I responded so well to the song "Try Everything". It was just enough motivation to push me over the edge. It is a power song, you know, a driving kind of power song that hits you deep inside.  I see words. I feel words and that's why music is such a big part of my life. Ironically I listen to classical music without words when I drive because it keeps the stress down when I hate being on the streets with frantic drivers. Come to think about it, that must be why I like coming to work at 4 am.

[KATPILOT]

I worked it over some more and put it over Sarah's print. Doesn't fit there I know but for now, it's another "Sanctuary"  I think I'll change the frame in the morning so it can work there. A  slightly similar frame with a black linen mat would work.