Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!


Recommended Posts

I had lunch with my girlfriend today. It was the first time we had been alone in a setting where it was just us in a date like capacity since her dad was injured last month. 

It went as well as I could expect. She was distracted by stories from work. 

Part of her job involves catching people defrauding government. She has a new event and someone she is going to catch. She gets very excited when she gets to catch people cheating the system. Her excitement catching fraudsters is almost like a child with a new toy. She was genuinely distracted for 15 to 20 minutes telling me about it.

As we ate her mood declined. I was not surprised by this but it was hard to watch. She is visibly fatigued. 

Last night she was having dreams that her son was in peril, and he was having dreams that she was in peril. She ended up sleeping with him, but not sleeping well.

Then she said, "I keep thinking that if I pretend to be happy like I was before all this, eventually I will be."

She is a strong and resilient woman. She has been through worse trauma (I won't disclose here for her privacy) but not so much loss.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

At least she has a good boyfriend, a child, and a job she loves.  I'm afraid it'll get worse before it gets better with all she has on her plate, but hopefully she'll see light at the end of the tunnel one day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is lucky to have you.  I believe she will come through this even though as Kayc says, it's going to take some time.  I'm so proud of you for being so supportive to her.  I know it's difficult, but I think you're doing exactly what she needs you to do to help her through this.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Going through forum history I realize that most under this forum have lost thier love. I have felt the pain as she pulled away.

For those following this story are some things I am doing. Since everyone grieves differently I cannot say this would necessarily help others but they are helping me.

1) I am giving her emotional space but trying to be present.

Specifically I am very very careful about talking about feelings. Hers or mine. I was messing up and feeling my own anxiety and she felt it to. I came here for a place to vent my own anxieties. I don't ask her what she is feeling. If she tells me I carefully talk about it.

I told her - and repeated today - I do not expect her to have feelings for me right now, but I ask that she try and remember what feelings she had before and not forget them.

We spend 15 minutes each day after she gets off work sitting together. She can tell me about her day and engage in a little small talk. Again no feelings or talk about what is going on in her life.

If she is feeling well we cuddle a little. I can tell she is a little distant during this time but she is trying to remember how to feel well. All cuddling is close but not intimate. Its an extended hug.

2) I am focusing on her son much more than her

I am good with kids. He and I play well and she can sleep on the couch. As much as I would like to extend this into full evenings alone for her. It isn't going to happen right now.

3) Whenever possible I attend to mundane stress

I make her and her son dinner. I clean up after them when they visit me. Take away whatever additional stressors I can.

4) No talking about the future

We have/had a lot of plans. 30 days ago we were looking at houses to purchase. Right now none of that exists.

5) No talking about her ex

Except my offer to try and make some peace so I can give her additional relief I just pretend he doesn't exist. If I want to rant about him I come here.

6) No asking why she feels or doesn't feel something - Similarly no asking why she does or doesn't want to do something.

If she calls and says she isn't feeling well and can't stop after work for 15 minutes, its ok. If she is here and has to bolt out the door for some reason, its ok.

7) If I have something to say that might be stressful, I warn her first and only say it once.

Offer with ex is example. Hey I have an offer but it might be a little stressful so I am going to get it out on the table and not mention it again.

Another is my temporary housing status. We were supposed to be buying a house and moving in together. I am in a vacation home until July 1st and I need a new plan.

Yesterday I said to her, "Next week I need to talk to you about what is going to be happening in July. I am telling you that the conversation has to happen so I can plan but I want you to have some time between now and next week to prepare for the conversation. I don't want it to be stressful or feel like pressure."

When I have the conversation I will stick to logistics. Dates, times and options.

I may add more later.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You seem like an amazing person ~ I cannot imagine how challenging this must be for you. As you tend so carefully to the needs of your lady and her boy, I hope you're tending to your own needs as well. All this selflessness can be wearing, I should think, as it must require a great deal of personal sacrifice and self-control on your part. I do hope you'll continue to use this forum to vent, as you say ~ and I think it's good that you're both thinking about and preparing to talk about your future plans.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're doing all the right things.  Most of us didn't get an option to see, talk, or cuddle with our person, they just cut us off, so the fact that she still keeps you in her life is a very positive sign.

It's good to give her a heads up so shke isn't caught off guard about the needed conversation.  This is way more complicated that most of our situations were with living/housing logistics, ex-husband dying & in the picture, child involved, sons back home, etc.  You are handling everything really well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have read your stories. I would say your stories are what got me to register and start posting here. When someone you care about goes straight for the nuclear option of total no contact there isnt much you can do.

I had spent nearly two weeks with my girlfriend as her dad was dying. When I had to leave on business I felt terrible. Sometimes my work has events I simply cannot miss. Four days after I left her father passed. 

I did not hear from her for almost a week and it was almost two weeks before we were both back in Montana.

The day she arrived in Montana she was much happier than she is today. She was still grieving her father but she had gotten through the service and was healing. Then the string of tragedy just continued, one after another.

She pulled away from me very hard very fast. I had already been reading here and I was certain I was seeing the pattern you described from your stories. I think I said it out of desperation as she withdrew, but I told her, "What you are going through is affecting me as much as it is affecting you. We can either turn away from each other or towards each other."

Since that conversation she has made an effort to stay connected. I am just trying to make sure I don't do or say anything to make her feel worse. I can see that it she is having difficulty, but even just 10 minutes of being together, knowing she can lean on me to support her son, is enough to keep it going.

She may still pull away again but I am hopeful.

Our contact is minimal, but enough. She calls me every morning on her drive to work. Her commute is short but we spend 5 to 10 minutes discussing how she slept and what she is dreading about work that day. She typically asks what I have on my plate. Being self employed I am usually just waking up for that call.

Then we have our 10-15 minute hug afterwork so she can unwind before heading home to her son. This time of day is nice.

This morning when she called she said that her ex sister-in-law is still alive but in a vegetative coma. She bought her ex a plane ticket and sent him home. She had been planning to go but in the end she decided she simply could not watch another person die right now and that her son did not need to see this so soon after grandpa.

I said to her that based on how low she has been feeling and the struggle I am seeing her go through every day that she made the right decision.

She then asked if I wanted to spend the three day weekend helping her and her son have a happy time and break the routine of sitting at home dealing with these events.

Things are looking good for us and I still have some mixed feelings. A selfish bit of me is excited to have the time alone with her and her son. The cautious bit of me knows I need to keep my guard up and tread carefully like I have been. And finally, I do not want her ex to return and develop some sort of additional negativity because she chose to stay home and try to do something fun and happy while he went to deal with his sister's death.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I went through it, I had not had the benefit of seeing anyone else respond this way to grief, no advice or warnings from anyone, it caught me totally off guard and I was shocked by his breaking up with me.  I've had time since to observe with a more objective eye, and with his mom's refusal to meet me and his dealing with caretaking 24/7 with no relief, and his Asperger's, it comes as no surprise in retrospect.  I am glad we have been able to be friends in the nearly six years since..

I hope very much that you all have a good weekend together and that she can have some respite from death and it's tentacles.  I am still pulling for you and hope very much that your relationship survives intact and stronger than ever!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some of what I am going to say here sounds emotionless, cold and almost manipulative, but from where she and I were three weeks ago where she was pulling away, to where we are now I think it helps and it is not meant to be manipulative.

What I do for a livinging is strategic planning. I help corporations and the federal govt with technology plans and policy, technology aquisition strategy, technology commercialization strategy and technology investment strategies. I am very good at what I do and my entire life is based on playing a very long reaching chess game.

When things started diving downhill very fast it triggered in me anxiety that I had not felt before. Her pain caused pain in me and as I expressed it, it drove her away faster. Reading the stories here helped me realize my role in pushing her away. Kay I understand how you were blindsided and your story in particular is one of the ones that helped me with that understanding.

So, if what I am going through can help someone else I am totally for keeping this alive as a chronicle and reference.

I took additional advice, from these various threads, to vent my emotions elsewhere. Thus I am here. But I also reframed my interactions with my girlfriend as a strategic game.

In this game the win condition is we both stay together. It's not about me winning it's about us both winning and benefiting from the outcome, but still there is the element that it is solely on me to maintain the win objective. She simply doesn't have the energy to participate.

The rules of the game are evoloving but are in place to drive my interaction with her. I listed them above, no talking about ex, no asking about feelings, giving emotional space, carefully approaching difficult conversations to relieve pressure and stress. Most importantly I am keeping myself as emotionless as possible in decision making and actions so that I am a point or rock of stability amidst her chaos. 

As I interact I am making note of what behaviors make her feel safe around me, and which also encourage her to keep minimal contact alive. I am repeating these behaviors so that the encouragement continues.

Like all situation based advice it may not work for everyone. If I didn't have discipline to maintain emotionless decision making it would be far more difficult to manage. An advantage of my troubled upbringing is an abilty to compartmentalize. I am very good at pushing aside my feelings to vent elsewhere. I just had to make the decision to do it regardless of how difficult it is for me.

Even when I hug and cuddle with her there is a calculated approach. I am careful about how I touch. Even though the process is deeply comforting to me, I am careful to make certain that it is about her comfort more than mine and let her take the lead. If one day she want sit on the couch next to each other that is what we do. If she would rather have short nap and cuddle during it that is what we do. She had not explicitly set boundaries but I am extremely cautious about crossing any that may exist even if I am unaware of them.

The most challenging aspect of this is I spend a chunk of my day calculating my actions for work and then need to continue that process with her. So I do end up tired at the end of the day.

She is an active woman and in decent shape. She hasn't been physically active in a significant manner in six weeks now. Next week I am going gently suggest we start spending 30 minutes in the gym together three times a week. It may be a couple weeks before we start, but I know light physical activity will help kickstart her feeling better physically which will eventually translate to her emotions.

When I approach this conversation I will approach it like others I have already mentioned. I will inform her that I would like to take her to the gym and that the offer is open when she is ready, and explicitly tell her I won't mention it again until she is ready. I want her to know its an option with pestering and pressuring her to go. Then I will go without her so that she doesn't feel that I am depending on her to go.

Last night I made her favorite mountain hike without her. I sent her text messages and photos from the top. Next time she is going with me. Its the same strategy. I don't want her to feel like I can't live my life with out her, but I want her to come live life with me.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It does not strike me as emotionless and cold, but intelligent and caring.  What you do for a living makes sense to me as it is that part of you that you are good at that just might be able to come through this with the relationship intact.

My son has this type of personality also, he is an engineer (mechanical, computer, electrical).  Some may seem him as emotionless, but he has emotion, he just keeps control of it.  It helps him deal with his wife who has high anxiety and because he is calm, it has a calming effect on her.  He sees things in a calculated way rather than just through emotion, which can be deceiving or not always in one's best interest.  So I can understand where you are coming from and admire you for it.

I hope that she will feel able to come live life with you.  Not everyone who is grieving can do so.  Things that interested grievers "before" no longer do.  Sometimes it comes back a long ways down the road...sometimes it does not.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish I would have found this site sooner as you did. There are so many things I would have done differently had I had the knowledge this forum has provided. I too am pulling for you both. I will say again how fortunate she is to have you. It is clearly evident how much you love her. I truly believe had my BF made the move here prior to his mother's passing he wouldn't have been able to check out permanently as easily. Part of me believes my BF will eventually return once he is ready, or not. I was so sure I would be spending the rest of my life with him. Am I waiting, no. I admire your devotion. 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Plans Change.

My girlfriend's ex sister in law succumbed this afternoon. My girlfriend had gone silent for several hours. Her last communication was about driving her ex to the airport tonight so I thought she was busy.

I sent brief text saying Drive Safe and asking her to let me know when she gets in so I don't wake up in the middle of the night and wonder.

She replies... ex's sister died. 

Her ex did not leave as planned. He assumed its better to wait for funeral arrangements to be made and then go.

They have not told thier son. Still don't know if they will. I thanked her for warning me so I don't slip if I see him.

She will probably keep our plans tomorrow. She did not say, but I know she will want to take her boy out for some happy time.

In some ways it is a relief, the immediate losses have passed and she can process them. But she is still facing the up coming deaths of her baby sister, grandma and ex-husband.

This journey is far from over.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Life definitely has it's way of throwing in kinds and changing plans.  My thoughts are with you all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She made it tnrough the night. She did not say how well she slept and I didn't ask. If the last weeks are any indicator she didn't sleep.

We (me, her and her son) are going to go get crepes for breakfast and figure out some activites. Yesterday afternoon she wanted to drive to a big fossil museum that is two hours away. Doesn't have the energy today. I don't blame her.

She worries that I am disappointed that she is not entertaining me. She says that about other people too. She considered asking her mom to come help her for a month. I encouraged it but she opted not to because she felt she would be required to take mom out to do things and be entertained.

I have to keep reminding her that I am genuinely not disappointed when she has to change plans. It is almost as if she can't understand that I would be just as happy sitting with her in the park watching her son play with other children as I am if we are out on the town doing something exciting. For me its about her.

I do plan on showing her this thread I keep adding to, but only after she asks to see it. I told her that I found a place to record my thoughts so that i don't need to burden her with them. It may be a long time before she asks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If her mom comes perhaps you and her could explore some things together, maybe take the boy so grandma could spend some time with him.  That'd give her some time alone to rest and process things.God, I can't even imagine how she's feeling, I've been through enough but to get slammed with this much at once...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was a good day today. A nice full Saturday with no new bad news. First Saturday with no new bad news in weeks. If we can make it through Monday it will be the best weekend she has had since the beginning of April.

We went for crepes at 9:30am. The crepe restaurant has a play area for children. There was a cute little 18 month old girl there and watching her play with my girlfriend's son brought out a few real smiles from her.

I know she wants more children It was a factor in the divorce.

After breakfast we toured a classic car show looking at old cars and got back to my house so her son and I could play LEGOs and Minecraft. She relaxed on the couch for a couple hours. 

Then it was out for lunch, birthday shopping at a toy store for her son (it is about four weeks away) and back to my house for more Minecraft and LEGOs.

There were lots of mini conversations. Her son has figured out that something is up between mommy and this new guy. She said he loves to come over and play with my toys but he is starting to ask some questions. It is a problem.

Before all this began she had discussed alteration of her custody agreement with her ex to help make a transition easier. A previous verbal agreement was to allow her to begin discussing the concept of dating with her son June 1st. She informed me today that the ex has now changed his opinion and wants to push that date out two more months.

I did not comment beyond acknowledgement.

She is taking a lot of valium right now. I don't know the exact dosage. I just know she sets an alarm and takes two 30 minutes or so before she starts to wake up. I could tell when it started wearing off.

She has anxiety and ptsd stemming from the previous event in her life I wont mention. She has a standing order on the valium prescription due to this. Her doctors do have a monthly limit on what she can be given. However she said that normally she only needs one, but now with all the stuff going on she is taking two.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope she talks to her doctor about it.  It takes 3 1/2 times the amount of time you're on Valium to break the addiction.  HIGHLY addictive.  When my previous doctor tried to prescribe it for me for anxiety I refused it and researched medications and came up with Buspirone (Buspar), it's not a knockdown drug like Valium, but you can still feel with it and it just takes the edge off...best of all, it's non-addictive and I don't have side effects with it. Valium makes me extremely sleepy and it's very hard to drive safely.

That said, I am glad you had a good day together.  This ex is a piece of work!  Grrr!  He shouldn't have so much control over her life.  Does he not trust her to act in her son's best interest?  It seems to me it's his way of having leverage over her.  Double grrr!  I'm not surprised she wanted out of the marriage just from the little bit I know about him.  Of course I'm sorry he's dying and he won't be around to finish parenting his son, that's a tough pill to swallow for anyone.  But I wish you guys could get some relief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She has been on valium for 15 years. I don't think she will ever stop. I will PM why.

And I agree her ex has far too much control of her actions all in the name of what's best for her son. It is very passive/aggressive control. I would like her mother to come just so she has someone her ex cannot take her son away from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, You actually hit the nail on the head. It is clear that her ex does not trust her to make decisions in the best interest of her son.

I had to go make me a sandwich for dinner and while I did I was thinking about this.

All of the custody terms I am aware of, and which I see visibly impacting our ability to interact with each other and her son are designed to remove decision making agency from her. He isn't dating or meeting women so there is no actual reciprocation even though there may be in writing.

The terms artificially set unrealistic time limits and force her to choose whetheror not to break a term or appease her ex. I have mentioned that prior to the current chaos, she was looking at these terms with a more critical eye. NowI think she is just tired and doesn't want to put up a fight.

We have already broken the term that her son is not allowed to meet people she dates for a fixed period. I discussed this before. It was obvious that this was impossible to maintain. But additional terms set out time limits on when she can introduce the concept of a new relationship and so on.

The real problem is an apparent unwillingness to compromise. He is usually her only available baby sitter because he won't meet new people to approve of them. 

One of the things my girlfriend said today, "My son is onto you and its causing problems and I cannot address with him until we have been serious for 6 months"

From this I can be fairly certain that her son has told her ex something like "I saw mommy's new friend give her a kiss goodbye." and it is causing issues.

For my part I don't ever talk about her ex to her son. I completely pretend the guy doesn't exist. My interaction with her son is completely about him and I. But I overhear him say things that don't sound like a child, but like repetition of what his dad might be saying to him.

So I suspect that his dad is asking him questions about what the three of us do, 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since he is unwilling to meet new people or check them out, I don't think his "terms" would hold up in court.  I can understand her being too tired to deal with fighting him on things, that'w what he's trying to do, wear her down into complacency.  

I very much dislike people using children as pawns to get to the other parent.  Very manipulative and not placing the child first.  My kids' dad did that when we broke up.  I always felt the kids would figure out how things are on their own, they didn't need us to point out the other parent's faults, but they might need our help pointing out their good attributes.  I've tried to hold to that motto.  To this day my kids (in their 30s now) don't know some of the things their dad pulled.  He's the only dad they have, and I want to help their relationship with him, not harm it.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hold to a certain view of masculinity that revolves around responsibility. Most importantly a man takes care of responsibilities and doesn't let things slide. In addition a man doesn't shy away from conflict or difficulty. Take on challenges head on, deal with them and move forward.

In my mind if her ex husband was really thinking about what is best for his son, and if he he wasn't such passive aggressive manipulator, rather than trying to monitor and control her behavior and decions, he would realize that there now three responsible adults in his son's life and that the three parties need to negotiate an understanding of roles and what is actually in his son's best interest.

His viewpoint is so self-centered and his unwillingness to compromise only creates more issues, rather than help to provide a stable environment for his son.

My girlfriend left before dinner yesterday afternoon in need of a nap. About 9:30pm I sent her a message asking if she had slept through dinner. At 7:30 am she replied that she ate but doesn't remember it. She also said she felt drugged but didn't take anything. Ihave not heard from her since. I am on my way to check up on her.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I couldn't agree with you more!  I hope she's okay...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yesterday when I checked up on her she was not doing well. I didn't intrude on her privacy beyond confirming she was alive. She spent the entire day in bed.

The emotional roller coaster is apparent. One day good, yesterday bad, today is good again.

She wanted to go hiking today, but high winds were kicking up allergens. We did the same as usual. She slept on my couch and I spent several hours playing with her son.

I am still hopeful that we will get through it but she is still drifting away emotionally. I don't say anything and focus on her son. She has made plans and the missed them four times in the last week and a half. For instance she calls and asks if I want dinner and the calls later and informs me that she forgot a Dr. appointment.

This does not bother me. I understand that at this time forgetfulness is a common grief factor.

But - one of the four she never even informed me that she wasn't going to make it. I waited for an hour before texting to see of she was working late. Another hour later she replied saying Dr, Appointment.

It sucks but I cannot complain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes forgetfulness is going to happen, loss of focus, making mistakes.  I always did a perfect job at work (I was office Mgr and Bkpr for a place that made military airplane parts, everything was certified to Mil-spec), it was required.  You could be slow but you had to be perfect, no exceptions.  When my husband died, I asked my boss to check my work for a while just because I caught myself making stupid mistakes, I couldn't believe I made them!  It wasn't like me at all!  But that happens with grief.  I figure it must shake up your brain or something. :)  A lot of us here have experienced that.

I hope the pulling away is temporary.  Right now she has nothing to give the relationship, she can't even make the effort, it's requiring everything within her just to survive this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...