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Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness


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ALONE
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, support, etc.:
3. solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak:
5. standing apart; isolated:
 
Before I met my sweet Tammy, I was a bachelor. I'd been living by myself pretty much my entire adult life. I kind of felt like I handled that pretty well. Always considered myself fairly self-sufficient and independent. Of course I had friends, co-workers, family and acquaintances. And the occasional girlfriend. I just never found the one that I'd want to share the rest of my life with... until the day Tammy came into my life and everything changed. Tammy and I were so in tune and comfortable with each other from day one. I remember one of the first nights we had one of our marathon late night chats on the phone (she lived in Illinois then, I was in Maryland), She started reading me one of little Katie's bedtime books called "Goodnight Moon". Well, by the time she was saying "And a little toy house and a young mouse"... I had fallen fast asleep holding the phone and snoring loudly in Tammy's ear. :)
 
I loved every moment being with Tammy. It wasn't always easy once her health took a bad turn, but I was with the one person in my life I adored, cherished and loved like no other. From the time Tammy lost her job in '07 up until her death in 2015, we spent virtually every moment together. The only time we were apart for an extended period were the few occasions when Tammy would go back to Illinois for several weeks to be with her family. I'd stay a week or so but had to return to Maryland due to work obligations. Going home and being in our house alone was horrible. As a bachelor, being alone never really bothered me too much, but now it was torturous. I was miserable. I found myself sleeping with the lights on because all of the sudden I'd roll over to snuggle up to Tammy and she wasn't there. I felt uncomfortable in my own house. I counted the minutes until I'd pick her up at BWI airport and my life could return to normal!
 
And then March 5. 2015 happened. And my life changed forever.
 
I've been alone for over 14 months now. Sure I have co-workers and family and some friends but I still feel completely alone and lonely. The only person that would/could make me happy isn't able to. So I try my best to get through each day alone. Today would be a good example of my life. I went to work and it was super busy there. I interact with the public and everyone tells me what a nice guy I am. I try my best to put on a big smile and make others smile and make others happy. I do it fairly well as I am considered one of the best at what I do. After work, I get in my car and I pretty much just "collapse". It takes so much effort to be so "bubbly, happy and energetic". By the time I get home I am physically and emotionally drained. In the past, Tammy would be here and no matter how worn out I was, being with her brought me back to life after a hard day.
 
Nowadays, I basically grab something to eat and then try to keep myself occupied until it's time to close my eyes. Recently it seems like I've been spending way too much money in an effort to give myself something to look forward to. Oh, how I love Amazon Prime and that two day free shipping. But once the item arrives I'm back to feeling unsatisfied, bored and alone.
 
And here's the rub. As lonely as I am... as much as I hate this new life, I don't want to be with anyone unless her name is Tammy Jean. My Tammy Jean. So for now, the memories, the pictures, the feeling that she somehow is watching over me as my personal angel, is as close as I get to not feeling completely alone.
 
What do you do to cope with the emptiness and loneliness of your life after loss?
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Mitch,

i do less than you and then wait to be asleep.  Retired, so no social contact all day.  Sometimes the health club and sometimes see a friend.  Most of my friends have mates, so I try not to bother them too often.  Joined 3, mind you 3, book clubs and a knitting club.  Nothing works.  I am still incredibly sad and miss Al so very much.  I tried to volunteer at an orphanage, but could not park.  I have a bad knee and cannot walk far.  Have to find something else.  Do not care about the garden,. Do not care about the house.  Do not care about all the things WE used to care about and do.  It is a hard road formal of us.  

Gin

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:
 
What do you do to combat the emptiness and loneliness?

Sincerely, i don't know. Rather than combat I escape from them with superficial distractions like facebook, twitter, instagram. 

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It must be in the air.  I struggle with being alone.  I worked today alone all day ( clients were away).  I went into the bank just to say "HI" to someone and make the deposit.  I come home alone and spend the rest of the evening alone.  My emotions have been up and down all week. This is the grief ride I am on this week. My sister's birthday is Sunday so we have a surprise birthday party planned for her. Otherwise, I would go to Church on Sunday. Off Monday, work Tuesday. I watch Amazon Prime, Netflix, Crackle, Hulu, etc... 

I know I should get more involved but I'm too tired and frankly don't want to fake smile when I don't feel like it.  I survive the day, but living life to the fullest hasn't been in the cards since my wife passed.  My hope is tomorrow will be better.  Life is what it is now.  That is my current reality.  Shalom - George  

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I keep busy, I have a mixture of being home alone and being involved with volunteer work and church.  Still, I get lonely.

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It's hard to try and keep busy.  It's only been 2 months since I lost James and I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride.  I get angry and lash out, only to realize I'm lashing out for the wrong reason.  I'm miserable and faking it just doesn't seem right.

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Great choice for a topic, Mitch.

Like you, I was a bachelor until I married Mark in 2009.  We met in a Texas chat room one lonely Sunday.  I used to try my hand at dating; nothing significant ever happened.  I have always been somewhat of a solo person.  I had lots of responsibilities growing up, and not a lot of happiness.  I had a few close friends.  My life changed for the first time when my mom had a stroke at the age of 55 (I was 24).  For twelve years, my life revolved around working part-time and helping to care for my mom. My family expected a lot from me, including giving up MY life so they could continue on with theirs.  One thing that did come from it, was that I was able to come to terms with my relationship with my mom, and in a way forgive her.  When she died, after a very short battle with cancer, I stayed to watch over my dad.  My heart aches now for him, because I NOW understand the hurt he was having at the loss of his wife.  My dad did not talk much about anything.  When I saw he was getting somewhat dependent on me for his social life, I knew that I needed to go and find MY life...after all, I had put it on hold for like 15 years.  So, I took a HUGE leap of faith and moved to Texas.  I managed to find a job (still at the same place now, but changed departments about 5 years ago) and a place to live.  I was okay being alone, but was lonely and wanted to finally have love in my life.  Three years later, enter Mark.

He was very different than any of the guys I had met...he wasn't interested in sex right off the bat.  He LOVED conversation, and he was good at it.  We chatted for about a month before we met physically...even though he only lived about 5 minutes from me.  He was cautious; I was hopeful.  Once we met in May 2006, I knew there was something really special happening.  He was VERY intelligent, but had lots of self-doubt.  He had some personal issues (he drank).  He never tried to make me feel sorry for him.  And oh, could he make me laugh.  I found out later that he let me give him HOPE.  And that was all that was needed.  I never sugar-coat anything.  His problem made things difficult sometimes; all I wanted was to help him...but I learned he had to help himself.  Up until the day he died, he was never able to walk away from it; but he never let it get out of hand.  When he finally confessed to me that he was an alcoholic, it was his way of giving me an out early on.  I didn't take it.  I loved him.  And continue to do so.

What fills my days now?  I work.  I went back to work less than a week after Mark died.  It isn't always a stressful job, but it has its moments.  I don't handle the stress well at all now, without my rock.  I have three dogs...all around the age of three and they occupy most of my free time at home.  They want love and interaction, and I believe they are a HUGE saving grace.  They are the reason I have get out of bed in the morning without a head filled with thoughts of Mark. I go into the office early (7 am) and am home by 3:30.  But most times I get home and just crash.  It takes a lot of energy to focus all day...to continue to do my job at the same level as before my loss.  I am part of a team, and it is important that I keep up my part of that.  By Friday, I am drained.  I am okay for about three weeks, then need a longer break...because my brain gets tired of making myself live without Mark.  Like Mitch, I was truly independent...and even after I met Mark, I still had my independent spirit.  I think that is how the greatest marriages work; each person is an independent individual first.  We know WHO we are before giving ourselves to someone else.  But something happens when you join your life with another person.  You merge and mesh into ONE.  It is even part of the vows you make...two become one.  Still acting independently, but as a team.  And we were good at it.  Although, we were only married just over 5 years...the love we had was VERY deep.  We saw in each other that missing piece.  It was true soul mates.  We LOVED learning from each other.  We had each others back.  And if I close my eyes, and picture his face...I STILL get butterflies.  I watch a lot of television; it keeps me company.  I push myself to work around the house...most times it is futile because I really have no URGENCY.

Mark gave me a gift by loving me.  His love helped give me the courage to release my creative inner person.  She disappeared around the time my mom had her stroke; and she did not really re-appear until Mark proposed to me.  I planned and created everything for our wedding (except the food...lol).  I started by doing the invitations, and the programs.  We worked on the ceremony together. I wanted EVERYONE in our presence on that date (Valentine's Day...Mark initially thought it was HOKEY to marry on that day, but later REALLY saw the light) to FEEL the love we had for each other, and hope that it would make them realize the love THEY had in their lives.  It was a first marriage for both of us... in our mid forties.  My creative energy continued to blossom after we married...and Mark was always my biggest fan.  When I asked, he would critique, but always in an encouraging way...a way that helped my vision become even clearer.  I am beginning to feel HER stirring inside again...and when my focus is better, I will once again try and create.  Till that time, I indulge her in ways that help move her along.  And I know that Mark is helping with that.  The night before he died, he was beaming with pride over my last creative endeavor.  It is easier to think of that now, than the next morning when my life changed AGAIN.  Do I miss him?  Well, you all know THAT answer.  Every waking moment I am in the presence of his absence.  And it hurts; and I ache...for the sound of his voice and his laughter....for the touch of his hand,  For the unending support he gave me EVERY DAY.  I'm okay being alone ( but then who is alone with three dogs in the house).  But I miss being Mark's bride.

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Maryann said...

Quote

He was very different than any of the guys I had met...he wasn't interested in sex right off the bat.

I know sex is probably a somewhat taboo subject here but I think it's valid to talk about in this context. Tammy and I met in a chat room that I ran. Honestly, much of the initial chatting we did was of a sexual nature. When we met, Tammy and I enjoyed not only wonderful conversations and laughs, we shared a very active sex life, too. The intimacy it creates as we all know is wonderful. Great for releasing tension, too. ;)

It's that feeling of intimacy and sharing everything with someone you love that we've all lost. Gone.

It's me, myself and I and all three of us are miserable.

Of course, the only one I wanted was Tammy. So, it looks like it's "celibacy or bust" for me from here on out. 

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Sex is not really a taboo subject here Mitch. It's a very real issue for widowed souls especially for younger members of this club.  Given enough time, many discover that they miss that too. "Skin Hunger" is another label for the loss of the intimate touch.  Some people who have told me that I will find another lady suggested it would be because men are so needy. I think that sex would have been one of those needs they were referring to. Some of us however just can't fill that "need" with another. When you talk about the intimacy with someone you love, it describes the definition of making love. Without intimacy, sex is just sex. Once you have put love and sex together, it makes going there now not so desirable  right?  Yes there is only one woman I wish I could touch and kiss. I forget sometimes just how much I miss that. Dear God how I miss that.  I know how much I miss her but I forget sometimes about the sex part. It was wonderful. I'm so glad sometimes that I'm older. I think there is a big difference when men are young. I'm glad I don't have to know that anguish too.

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1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

 

Like you, I was a bachelor until I married Mark in 2009.   

But I miss being Mark's bride.

Everything you wrote in between was one of the sweetest love stories I've read in a long time.   Maryann I believe you still are Mark's bride.

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Steve, maybe taboo wasn't the right word. It's just a topic I rarely hear mentioned here at the forum and certainly some of it may be the age factor. Tammy was just 30 when we got together and I was 44. 

We all talk about missing our beloved and all the aspects of our lives that are different now and loss of intimacy certainly is a big loss. Not just sexual, it's the kisses and the touches and the caresses.

In the big picture though, it's just one of dozens of losses that we all are experiencing every day. Sometimes it's hard to fathom how we even are still standing.

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Maryann, Thank you for sharing your love story. 

I proposed on Valentine's Day to my precious wife and the plan was to get married one year later.  We would go out house shopping to see what we would like and found a newly built home that we really fell in love with.  We decided to pour all of our money into getting the new home and decided to get married on December 9, 1989.  We closed on our new home on December 15. I too, was single and alone up until I met my beloved Rose Anne.  We were inseparable. She was the most honest, sincere, attractive and direct woman I had ever met.  She captured my heart and enticed me to love. She was so direct yet not offensive. When she looked into my eyes, there was a magic that books and movies write about.  She had such a charismatic personality and attracted people of all ages to engage with her. 

She would be talking to people in the room but when she saw me she genuinely lit up and her eyes sparkled at my presence. And Matt, her touch was truly electric and magnificent. 

Due to the progressing effect of diabetes, we were unable to be sexually intimate for the last nine years.  Though it was difficult, my love for her never strayed and I was always committed and faithful.  We just made the best of the situation.  I still miss her.

As Mitch has said, the topic of sexual intimacy is rarely mentioned but was obviously a part of all of our lives.  I am thankful for the great memories we have of happier times.  Shalom - George   

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No secret with my religious upbringing, when my cancer was found, it was a double cancer called adenosquamous. (to me it was simply "guilt" cancer). Not common for a young woman, found more in older women where the doc would simply perform a hysterectomy and let me live out the time left.  Billy was my Steve McQueen, only taller.  We met with me just out of high school and he was already in the job he kept until 1997, when we both retired on the same day.  He had mental hangups from a mom who ran around on his dad.  I just plain had mental hangups.  I won't take the blame for everything, but we sure went through a rough patch when he finally took the leash off and I had to grow up and work in a job.  A job I came to love but went into very reluctantly.  He could not work two jobs the rest of his life though, I had to help.  I had a lot of resentment built up for being kept a prisoner (I felt), and he wanted to keep me barefoot and pregnant.  The cancer I had, I felt, was punishment for the life I led, a secret life that I went to a psychiatrist for many years to talk about, but could not talk about it with Billy.  Finally, there came a time I could tell him, but it was a calamity, just like I expected.  He had not been an angel either.  I had no problem forgiving him, but finally someone told him he only had resentment toward me because I had beat him at his own game..  After this, we grew up together.  We married as kids, we had kids, and then we all just grew up together.  There had to be a whole lot of forgiveness, but my biggest problem was forgiving myself. It was smooth sailing after I was able to talk to him as my best friend and helpmate.  Our dreams were the same and we lived 54 years of them.  Personal contact was not always about sex, as far as I was concerned, my Missionary Baptist background had made it a taboo, like has been mentioned.  What went on behind closed doors was what it was, but the physical contact of hugging, holding, and loving forever was what was important.  We had a lifetime together.  I wish you all could have had 54 years, and I wish we could have had 54 more.  I did not want him to leave me period.  He was my home, my best friend, my lover, my helpmate, my life.  Now, I have half a life, but I have one thing going for me, as long as we were together, I am closer to being with him again.  I don't mind that at all.  I sure miss him.  He loved to be hugged, and I said I would never mention this again, and I know he forgives me, but I missed my last chance to hug him.  Okay, I will let that drop now.  He forgave me everything, my biggest hurdle is forgiving myself.  And you can be lonely in a huge family that supports you by holding you up and pushing you too.  I am going to submit this but  strangely, I just want to delete it.

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George had Diabetes (and heart problems although unknown to us at the time) and the last couple of weeks sex wasn't doable.  In the past he would have been very frustrated about that and angry with himself, but I knew how far he'd come when a couple weeks before he died, he couldn't do anything, and he held hands with me in bed and quietly said, "Cuddling is good too", and I said, "Yes, cuddling is good too, George."  It was a very intimate moment, like we'd progressed beyond sexuality into something far more intimate, a connection of a deep level, with trust and understanding taking up the slack.  I will never forget that moment.

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Tammy always said we didn't have sex, we made love. Looking into each others eyes, embracing and kissing is what made the experience pure bliss and heightened the pleasure.

The thing is, over the last couple years of our marriage, we only made love from time to time. Her MRSA, the advancing Lupus, the pain and her increasing fragility made it very difficult. The hugs and touching and kisses and snuggles and massages never stopped though.

Now alone, there is no intimacy. Those feelings reside in a corner of my brain along with all the other memories of the life of love I shared with Tammy.

For now, buying stuff, going to work, watching tv, exercising, cleaning and posting here serve as my main distractions in an utterly empty world. Does crying count?

Someday, maybe there will be more than this. Who knows. 

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I'm so glad I found this. I lost keith unexpectedly almost 2 months ago and nobody gets the loneliness I feel. Especially as everyone lives return to normal,  I have no normal to return to. I don't even know who I am anymore. Life is now a scary place for me.

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Mitch,

i went to a grief group and one of the questions was, "what gives you joy?"  Some folks mentioned their children, grandchildren, etc. My answer was "nothing".  Wonder if anything ever will again.

Gin

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Heather, everyone on this forum "gets you."  We all understand.  You are talking to everyone who walks the same path you walk.  Just read and jump right in.  We have all been there.  I always hate to say "welcome" but if we have to be here, it is something we all need, so welcome.  Lots of good people that will understand any and everything.

And, I usually put this, but I discovered this forum three days after Billy's death.  I search for my miraculous, magical life and faith and things seem so bleak and dark at times.  But, I have repeated this over and over, I would tell Billy I cannot live without you.  He would say simply "I know.."  That is all we would say and somehow, I hope it was with his help I found this site.  It happened so fast and to put it bluntly, it did save my life because I really thought I could not live without him.  And, this is not living, but it is existing.  

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Dear Heather,

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad that you found us.  I came here when I was about 2 months in; now I am approaching 18 months (and it doesn't feel that long). There are many, many posts with so much information and stories shared.  If you feel up to it, just read the things people post and you will see that NORMAL is different now.  Sudden death is a shock...I lost my husband sudden and unexpectedly to a heart attack.  In about an hour from when I called 911 to when he was taken to the hospital, he was gone.  I lived in a continuous deep fog for about 14 months.  The most important thing you can do is to take care of YOU.  I know it gets overstated sometimes, but it takes more strength (physical and mental) than anyone can know to deal with the grief of losing our spouse.  It affects every aspect of who you are.  We have a very good group of people here...many at different stages, who will share their story and help you understand this new world you are a part of.  Rest as much as you can because it is essential.  Hugs to you...

Maryann

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15 minutes ago, Heatherw said:

I'm so glad I found this. I lost keith unexpectedly almost 2 months ago and nobody gets the loneliness I feel. Especially as everyone lives return to normal,  I have no normal to return to. I don't even know who I am anymore. Life is now a scary place for me.

Heather I am so sorry for your loss. The thing is, those people that "don't get" your loneliness have never lost a love like you just did.  My wife Tammy died unexpectedly in March 2015. She was my whole world.

I know how lost you feel in this new world without your Keith. Everything seems so surreal. It's like some horrible, alternate universe and you don't feel like you belong in it.

It hurts....  so bad. And the only people that understand how you feel are those of us who have also lost their soul mate.

Please continue to post and read here. It will help, I promise.

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Dear Gin,

The definition of JOY changes for someone who has lost a spouse.  I can honestly say that the last time I felt true joy was before Mark died.  There are things that will make me laugh, that will lift my spirit for a short time... but I do not believe I have reached a state of JOY in a long time.  I think one of the first questions in our group (after we finally had everyone show up and there were no new people to meet and hear stories) was what one thing has helped you the most.  My answer was my dogs...because I have to take care of them first thing in the morning, so I don't wake thinking about or missing Mark right off the bat.  I am still trying to find out who I am also...

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