Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

Now, when someone calls me to chat, it is like I just am not even a part of the whole conversation.  I try and listen with interest.  A lot of times I am just waiting for them to stop talking and to let me go.  I hope it doesn't sound terrible. My phone calls to people are short and sweet.  I know that sounds so self-absorbed

That doesn't sound selfish or self-absorbed in any way, Maryann. It's just where you are at emotionally in your journey.

I actually talk on the phone with a few of the members here from time to time. These are probably the best conversations I have these days. I mean, when Tammy was alive all I needed was to be with her. Now, in this world of emptiness, I have no one in my "real" world that is really interested in me, in any way.  Or that cares about the depth of my pain. At least when I talk to people from the forum, I can talk freely and not have to edit myself for fear of the other person not understanding. And it goes both ways; I hope the people I talk to are getting some sense of understanding and help from me in return.

                                

[KATPILOT]

Just to reaffirm  what we have heard before, we all move at our own pace. No two grief's are the same. One common thing however is that a newly grieving person such as many of you are, can hardly be expected to let go of anything. There was a song by Dido titled "Here with me" which Kathy and I both loved and it spoke to me quite strongly during that first year. It spoke of not wanting to move a thing for it might change my memory. It also had a line that said "I won't go. I wont sleep, and I can't breathe, till your lying next to me". That is pretty much how we all feel at first. I say at first because even though we still feel that way, we have learned to adapt to living without them lying next to us. You may not see that a possibility yet, but I'm speaking of years down this path. Five and a half years of Kathy not lying next to me slowly became a way of life instead of a bad dream. Oh hell I wish it wasn't that way but sadly it is. It simply is. I can tell you it still hurts sometimes. In the dark I will cry in my bed sometimes when it hits me but it's a different feeling now. It's hard to convince yourself that it isn't happening when it has gone on for so long. Realization and acceptance start to come into play and the tears stop rather quickly so I just say out loud "I love you so much" and then I go to sleep. This is a possible scenario for many of us as we go through the years. It sucks but we go on living and no one should ever dare to suggest I haven't let go. This is the best I can do and I can live with that. Most of my nights are not nearly as emotional but it happens sometimes and it will again. I think I'm living a pretty good life now. It's a hell of a lot better than it was a few years ago. When I drew that portrait of Kathy this week, I felt kind of good inside. Some might say I haven't moved on but the truth is, this is how I am moving on. I wonder what I will do tomorrow.

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

That doesn't sound selfish or self-absorbed in any way, Maryann. It's just where you are at emotionally in your journey.

I actually talk on the phone with a few of the members here from time to time. These are probably the best conversations I have these days. I mean, when Tammy was alive all I needed was to be with her. Now, in this world of emptiness, I have no one in my "real" world that is really interested in me, in any way.  Or that cares about the depth of my pain. At least when I talk to people from the forum, I can talk freely and not have to edit myself for fear of the other person not understanding. And it goes both ways; I hope the people I talk to are getting some sense of understanding and help from me in return.

                                

 Mitch, perhaps this is our "real" world.  I think we all realize how incredibly important this site is. When this site was funded by Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix, it was designed to give those who had been in grief support for the first year, a place to go next. Do I have that right Marty?  It is important to so many because we need a place to go after the rest of our world has gotten over the loss and we haven't. If you love someone deeply enough, "your gonna grieve long time."  So we need to have a place where people get it and boy do we get it. We welcome new members because we feel their pain.  So what I am suggesting is that this is our real world. It is a very important part of it and without it we would be lost. So I know you understand that Mitch and I'm just sort of repeating what you are saying. Your voice helps many as you are comforted too.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Works hat way for us women too, Kat.  I don't know how I would be feeling about that if is was 20 to 30'years younger.  So 60 gets a plus mark in this instance.  

I don;t know - the 60 plus set has the highest rate of STDs by age group.  Just saying just because there's snow on the rooftop doesn't mean the fire is no longer in the furnace.

 

[Margm]

I know I am a weird old woman, but I want to be like Frankie in  Grace and Frankie when I grow up.  

 

 

 

[mittam99]

48 minutes ago, Brad said:

.... the 60 plus set has the highest rate of STDs by age group

Brad, that's not quite right. The elderly have the highest rate increase in STD's by age group over the past few years. Must be the blue pill effect.

------------

Steve, I agree with everything you said about this site. I can only imagine how many people in grief it's kept sane over the years. What a Godsend it is.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Now, when someone calls me to chat, it is like I just am not even a part of the whole conversation.  I try and listen with interest.  A lot of times I am just waiting for them to stop talking and to let me go.  I hope it doesn't sound terrible. My phone calls to people are short and sweet.  I know that sounds so self-absorbed that I don't want to give people the attention that a long conversation on the phone needs.  Most times I just do not have much to contribute to the conversation.  But Mark's absence makes me so much more aware of this.

I've withdrawn from phone calls for a few weeks.  I was doing the same thing.  Almost counting the minutes it would be polite enough to find an excuse to hang up.  I really want to feel interested in other people's lives, but I can't.  They always have so much going on and my big news may be that I got thru half a day without needing to cry.  How do you explain to people that it is a major accomplishment just getting out of bed?   Or you finally found the energy to vacuum?  I haven't been able to tell most the truth that I want to be interested.  I fake it as best I can.  It's like being 2 people.  I'm amazed at my new found acting ability.

[mittam99]

Another sad reminder that my life is forever changed. Memorial Day weekend. Another holiday alone. I don't even have the oomph to go outside and fire up the grill. I mean, for myself? Why bother? I actually worked today (need the money badly) and driving home seeing all the happy faces, smelling the burgers on the grill... all of it just emphasizes I don't have much of a life these days. And to add to the misery, I just found out my "stomach pains" are actually from a hernia. Good times.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,. Yeah, just another weekend.  Al and I always hosted a cookout for family and friends on Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day. Now they mean nothing.  We always included people who had no where to go.   Al loved to grill and entertain.   Before Al I NEVER watched sports.  When Al and I were together I learned to actually enjoy football and car racing.  Usually NASCAR.  Today is Indy 500.  I tried, but I just could not do it.  I did listen to some guy singing BAck Home Again in Indiana.  We always loved Jim Nabors singing it.  I have not watched a football game since he died in Oct.. Things sure have changed and I do not see any hope for it to get better.  Still alone and very unhappy. 

What do you do for the hernia if you don't have surgery?   I have to take a stress test on a treadmill this week and now my knee is killing me.  Sure is not fun.

[mittam99]

Gin, I just received a special truss today and we'll see if it helps. This pain is on and off and fairly excruciating.

[Gin]

Mitch,. I just found out that I have a hiatal hernia, but I guess it is small.   They were looking for the reason for being out of breath.

[kayc]

Oh gosh, you guys!  I hope they can do something for you two!  A friend just went through surgery for his (his was huge) and it's made a lot of difference to him.

[Gwenivere]

I hadn't thought about the holiday and grills.  I was outside with the dogs and the church across the street fired up thier grill and I was flooded with memories of how big a deal it was every Sunday for Steve to grill something for dinner.  How he took pride in figuring out precise times and ways to adjust burners for whatever.  I know I smelled neighbors doing that last summer, but it didn't hit me like it did today.  I swear it is this 2nd year crap.  More and more time away from what was our daily life and not getting used to it, but the opposite.  I have to keep reminding myself there is nothing wrong with me just because I am surrounded by people simply living life as I used to.

[kayc]

Back when I had a family, this would be our first camping trip of the year...kind of rushing it because it usually rained.  I haven't camped since George died.  It just doesn't sound the same with no one to share it with.

My son, DIL, & grandbaby are here this weekend and I am taking care of her while her parents go target practicing.  They want to get a hike in tomorrow so I'll watch Ceci while they do that, I got my work done at the church ahead of time so I could be off tomorrow.

It's in the 80s this week and 50s at night, beautiful clear sky.  I wish I hadn't lost my cat Friday, it pretty much ruined everything, and I sure didn't expect it. The other pet lovers can relate...when you've lost your spouse and all you have is your pets, to lose one of them just accentuates your already loss-ful life.

[brat#2]

Kay, I'm sorry to hear you lost you cat, I do relate, I lost my cat and 3 dogs all in the same year, but I still had Dale to get me through it.  I think that is why I'm not interested in getting a pet right now, I couldn't handle the pain if I were to lose them.  I hope you can still have a nice time with your family though.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[scba]

On Friday, May 27, 2016 at 9:50 PM, mittam99 said:

 

 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Back when I had a family, this would be our first camping trip of the year...kind of rushing it because it usually rained.  I haven't camped since George died.  It just doesn't sound the same with no one to share it with.

My son, DIL, & grandbaby are here this weekend and I am taking care of her while her parents go target practicing.  They want to get a hike in tomorrow so I'll watch Ceci while they do that, I got my work done at the church ahead of time so I could be off tomorrow.

It's in the 80s this week and 50s at night, beautiful clear sky.  I wish I hadn't lost my cat Friday, it pretty much ruined everything, and I sure didn't expect it. The other pet lovers can relate...when you've lost your spouse and all you have is your pets, to lose one of them just accentuates your already loss-ful life.

Dear Kay i'm sorry  to hear that you lost your beloved pet. 

[Patty65]

Just checking in on this apt topic on the "holiday weekend".  I am keeping our store open just so I have somewhere to go.  So far, two customers, and two staff here, keeping themselves busy with the wholesale production side since there are no customers to serve.  Nobody wants pasta on a grilling holiday.  I skimmed through everyone's talk of grilling - Ron's favorite thing -  to cook me a grilled meal on Sundays and Holidays since, back when he was here, I was the one doing lots of the cooking for the business (I never cook or eat at home now). I got to work before any grills could be fired up to smell, and I will leave after they've all been put out.

I'm so sorry you lost your cat, Kay, we've lost most of our pets now too -- the last one was Ron's black lab -- lost to the busy road in front of our house on Ron's last birthday.  It's an extra punch now every time I walk in the house -- not only is Ron not there to greet me -- he always got home first -- but no dog to slather all over me and howl while he laughed at the scene.  The silence is deafening.  Our favorite song was "Our House" by Crosby Stills Nash and Young... "With two cats in the yard..." we would sing it and say "With two cats and three dogs in our yard..."  Down to one cat now.  "... and everything thing is better 'cus of youuuu..."  and he would poke me in the side and I'd jump.  Every time.

"One is the loneliest number..."

 

[Gin]

I watched the MemorialDay special on PBS.  Al and I used to watch it every year.  We would also go to the patriotic outdoor concert at the local college.  They always played the tribute to all the branches.  At that point people who served in that branch would stand up.  Last year when it was time for Al to stand, he barely made it.  He had a walker, but he stood.  It was so sad then and I was reminded of it again.

Gin

[kayc]

Thank you all for your thoughts.  She was the one that usually slept with me, I keep looking at the patio door to let her in, but she doesn't materialize.

I got to have my grandbaby today, she is so adorable, she loves to clap and read books, she just turned one three days ago.  We just went for a long walk and let Arlie and a neighbor's dog play fetch.  Tomorrow when everyone goes home it will be too quiet again.

Patty,

I think I would have opted to keep the business open too, only I could eat Italian any day, it's my favorite!

[KATPILOT]

Oh Kay I am so sorry.

[Gin]

Kay, sort about your beloved cat.  So hard to lose them.

gin

[Margm]

Kay, I am sorry about the loss of a fur baby also.

Please Gin, let us know how things are going.  I wish one of us could be there with you for any test that you have to go through.  And, I hope the only thing they find is that you are wore down, worn out from all this emptiness we have to go through.  Please stay healthy.  I have not moved my muscles and bones in the seven months since Billy  left me and I go to bed each night hurting  from all the movement of the day.  I am overweight also.  Just got on the scales this morning and had lost 25 pounds after Billy left.  Have gained six of those back. Weight with me has been a constant battle.  After the cancer battle I was afraid to lose weight, afraid it meant it had returned, so I gloriously gained weight until it got to the point it was not the cancer that was going to get me, it was the excess weight.  My GYN doc said "Margaret, you are gaining too much weight."  I showed him, I quit going to him. 

Anyhow, let us know how you are doing.

[Clematis]

On May 28, 2016 at 4:08 PM, Froggie4635 said:

Now, when someone calls me to chat, it is like I just am not even a part of the whole conversation.  I try and listen with interest.  A lot of times I am just waiting for them to stop talking and to let me go.  I hope it doesn't sound terrible. My phone calls to people are short and sweet.  I know that sounds so self-absorbed that I don't want to give people the attention that a long conversation on the phone needs.  Most times I just do not have much to contribute to the conversation.  But Mark's absence makes me so much more aware of this.

Maryann, I was just now reading this. I think it's pretty normal to have trouble focusing on conversations when in a state of grief; the same thing is true when people have been traumatized. How can you focus on things that right now can't hold your attention because so much of your mind and heart are absorbed in the loss or grief or trauma? When I first started professional work with my social work degree, I was initially fascinated with every little detail of what people were telling me.

But when my best friend in the world was diagnosed with breast cancer, I suddenly was mostly interested in conversations about cancer. I had to work very hard to focus on people's problems (other than cancer), but I did so-because I was being paid to focus on them. But any talk about cancer was like a magnet. I think grief/loss is the same. When people are talking to me about rather normal things, I have to work at staying focused when people are talking about things other than grief.

Working as a counselor at the school was not so bad this spring because kids have really short attention spans, and on the reservation most of them have loss issues-recent ones. I have never been so aware of it. But when a friend wants to go on and on about something else, I'm sorry, but it's a bad year for me to attend to it or them. Sorry, but it is what it is. I am SO relieved to be off for the summer and not being in a position where I have to attend carefully to other people's problems-except for grief, of course. It is just too much work for my current condition.

[BillT]

We are born.

We love.

We lose love.

We die.

[KATPILOT]

Bill that reminds of a note from a hospice newsletter that has been on my fridge for over five years.

It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

You came.

We loved.

You left.

I will survive until I survive

    And one day I will find

Myself alive again.

I held these words in my heart and they started me on the road to healing and yes, living.