Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[MartyT]

Stephen, those poignant words come from a poem by Peter McWilliams, published in the lovely little book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love.  ♥

[mittam99]

Another day of loneliness and longing for the life I shared with Tammy. I lay in bed and my thoughts are all over the place. I'll be thinking of some present day issue and then my mind takes me back to something that happened five years ago. In an instant, I'm back to the present and crying that Tammy isn't here. All the while a tv show is on and I'm sort of watching it. That seems to be how my brain works these days. I simply can't seem to concentrate on any one thing for an extended period of time.

No matter where my mind goes it always comes back to one simple and horrible fact...

My life changed forever on March 6, 2015. Tammy didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to happen, but it did. Now, I know that no one is truly in control of their destiny. Nothing is for certain in this life. I think about how Tammy courageously dealt with everything bad thrown her way. How she had to struggle for most of her life. And ultimately, she only got 45 years here on earth. It's not only unfair, it's unfathomable. 

How can I somehow look at the future in a positive way? Believe me, I do want to. I've had moments where I thought I was seeing life from a newfound perspective of hope. Recently though, I've fallen into that deep hole of grief and I seem to be stagnating there to an extent.

There is a real ebb and flow to grief. It literally is moment to moment... not just day to day. Some days I'm hopeful, some days not so much. The grief bursts I have today don't last as long as they once did. I have adapted to grief in that sense. You don't get used to it, but you learn to cope.

Grief is among other things, a learning experience. It's on the job training so to speak.

In that vain, here's my personal "Grief Report Card" so far (graded by me)... 

Coping ... B

Functioning... B-

Honoring Tammy... A

Finding meaning in this new life... Incomplete

Finding happiness... F

Trying to help others... A

I have a long way to go, but, the simple fact that I'm still here (and trying my best) in a world without sweet Tammy by my side says something positive, I guess.  

[scba]

My grief report card is,

Coping ... B

Functioning... B

Honoring him... C-

Finding meaning in this new life... F

Finding happiness... F

Trying to help others... B/C

 

 

[mittam99]

Ana, why do you feel like you aren't honoring Fred very well?

[BillT]

Four months, I assigning myself Ds and Fs.   Can't seem to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.

I have read "A Grief Observed" by C.S.Lewis four times in the last few days.  I think there may be something worthwhile in there, but concentrating is difficult for me at this time.

Prayers to all.

 

 

[scba]

59 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Ana, why do you feel like you aren't honoring Fred very well?

It is complicated to explain. I feel i am not honoring him because I am not happy, I cannot be happy, I cannot thank life or feel gifted to be alive, because my pain of loosing him overcomes all of it out there. He loved life and embraced it, lived to its fullest. I was learning to do that and then he died. I wonder how he would have coped in my place, and I don't have an answer. Then, I receive so many phrases such as: he wouldn't want you to suffer, he wouldn't want you this and that, he would want you to be happy, to live your life etc. Since this is not happening, I feel I am not honoring him in any meaning way. That I am actually failing him for not following his steps and his example. 

[mittam99]

Ana, the way I look at it, you are honoring him by the immense and undying love you clearly have for him. I don't think it's necessarily a question of "following in his footsteps". It's more of a "living with his essence and his love in your heart" kind of thing, which you obviously do.

Of course he would want you to be happy but reaching that goal when you've lost your biggest source of happiness is a monumental task. I sure wish you weren't so hard on yourself but I understand. We all tend to be too hard on ourselves, don't we?

[scba]

Thank you Mitch, I question myself I am living with his essence in my heart. My answer would be "no" cause I am not coping with adversity the way he did. Of course the difference is that I actually lost him. 

[mittam99]

Just a thought, Ana...

Maybe try to be as gentle with yourself as Fred was with you?

Hugs.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I understand the intent, but let us be careful about grading ourselves with a "Grief Report Card" ~ lest we wind up judging ourselves as bereavement failures for not "doing" our grief properly or quickly enough ~ and thinking of ourselves (in the words of Rabbi Earl Grollman) as "under-achievers who have flunked a grief course." The truth is that grief takes as long as it takes, and there is no right or wrong way to "do" it.  ♥

[mittam99]

Marty, my post was only my own thoughts and certainly wasn't meant for others to "grade" themselves. Like you said, we all grieve in our own way and I expressed my personal thoughts on my own journey. I put it in report card terms for myself. That showed me I'm making progress. Six months ago my "grades" would have been lower. A year from now maybe the "happiness grade" won't be "incomplete". Again, this is me talking about me and no one else. I realize everyone's journey and time frame in grief is different. But, every post I make is documenting my journey and I think for that very reason, it's helpful (for me).

Absolutely no one here is an "underachiever flunking a grief course". IMO. We are all different people from different backgrounds who have led different lives. We are brought together by an immense loss that has changed our lives forever.

Every post I make is done with the intent to help others or sometimes just to talk about my personal journey.

Anyway, I hope people understand that what I wrote regarding "grading myself" was only my thoughts on my own journey. I guess I should have added a disclaimer. Sorry, if it was the wrong thing to do.

[mittam99]

Marty, as an aside there seems to be a ton of issues on mobile using the quote system. And if you accidentally quote something and need to delete the quote, you can't. You can on my desktop but not on my phone or tablet (Android).

[scba]

Dear Marty, I understand your point. I didn't thought of the card as an evaluation, rather than a gesture of sharing, in this case wih Mitch, in the same way/format he was expressing his thoughts. Nor I thought that I was comparing myself with him. I am sorry If I was misunderstood.

[scba]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Just a thought, Ana...

Maybe try to be as gentle with yourself as Fred was with you?

Hugs.

Thank you Mitch, I try hard with this trait of my character. !

[kevin]

Ana, with the same intent, after about three months, I gave myself a quick evaluation and decided on some improvements.......Made a list of Goals and Personal commandments and posted them on the "Fridge".....On a regular basis I grade myself, and it does help me keep my focus  on this Journey .....good luck

[kayc]

Wow, you all are hard on yourselves!  Remember, this is the hardest thing we've ever had to go through and I personally think we all deserve an A for the fact we haven't given up and commit suicide!  We are trying to live, trying to figure out how to survive, making huge adjustments, it's not easy.  Be easier on yourselves and more understanding and patient with yourselves!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kay,

Wish I could record you saying that, and play it for myself when I forget just how traumatic this has all been.  Why is it so easy to listen to and believe the harsh things we are told, and tell ourselves...instead of the reality of how hard this is and that patience and kindness are needed.  I admit I am VERY hard on myself, and say terrible words to myself.  It is kind of like riding Space Mountain.  You are in the dark whirling around at high speeds, and only every so often you get a glimpse of light to kind of situate yourself for the moment. Repeating a manta might work...but I have never been a person to do that.  

[Margm]

Well I look up to the sky and say to Billy, God and Jesus "I don't know."  What do I not know?  Well, I don't know how to proceed with anything.  Just saw a relative wondering about where money was coming from.  They need help.  I said I did not get my money till the 1st.  They said they were not asking for money.  And none of them ask for it, they are just used to letting me and Billy know they are in need.  We always came through.  So, Billy, Jesus, God, I need these people, and myself to have help, and with me it is not just money.  The fact is, I'm running as fast as I can.  My mom, last night had fell again.  No soft restraints unless there is a fulltime nurse.  Life sure gets complicated.  The thing is, if Billy was with me he could do no more than I can, but we could talk.  Now I talk to you all and no one can solve all my family's problems.  I miss Billy, but he is not here.  So, "I don't know anything."

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 It is kind of like riding Space Mountain.  You are in the dark whirling around at high speeds, and only every so often you get a glimpse of light to kind of situate yourself for the moment.

Speaking of which - leave Saturday to take the kids and grandkids to the Happiest Place on Earth.  I'll see how happy it can make me as it really was Deedo's favorite place on Earth.  Twelve of us for a week, everyone is super excited except for me and I have a reasonable amount of trepidation.

 

[BillT]

Brad,

Positive thoughts to you for your trip.  May you live in the moment and share your spirit.

 

[scba]

Dear Kevin, thank you for your good luck wishes. I'M glad to read about your improvements. 

Dear Kay, you are right. The fact that I left my bed this morning, did the groceries and cooked lunch for my brother deserves an A, although I'm sobbing a little cause not having a purpose hurts. I wish someone looks into my eyes and tells me: "I understand why we can't ask you to be well/happy and etc". My BF told me so in my dreams, or maybe I just need so much to hear it that I made it up in my brain. I have been doing Ok ln April and on May I'm feeling emotionally exausted again. 

Dear Marg, I'm sorry to read that you mother fell, I hope it is not very serious. I understand you when you said "I don't know". I end up thinking the same once I have thought of e-ve-ry-thing.

Dear Brad, I loved Disney I have been there when I was 14. It is the happiest place in the world. I will never forget Space Mountain and, Beauty and the Beast. 

[KATPILOT]

Brad I wanted to wish you a happy journey to Disneyland. You mentioned how it is Deedo's  favorite place on earth and it is also mine. Kathy and I went every year we we knew each other and always at Christmas time. My birthday is just before Christmas so she would make it very special for me. With just the two of us, it was magical and the most romantic times I can remember. So you must feel a little like I did after Kathy was gone. My oldest son was stationed in San Diego when Kathy died and he planned a birthday party for my granddaughter there. He invited me and so I went.  I was to meet them there at the Grand Californian where he had book rooms for us. It was where I had stayed many times with my bride so that was bad enough. I arrived two hours before they were to join me so I went to the bar and had a drink. A VERY BIG DRINK. The emotions were running rampant and I never felt so lost as I did that day. I got a message that they were running late so I now had five hours to kill. Since I had passes for that day into the park, I made a fateful decision to go in for a while. At that hotel, you walk right into California Adventure. Everything came back to me and I rode on that roller coaster ride that goes upside down because Kathy who was the adventurous one, dragged me on to it once and she loved it. I did it for her but it hurt so damn much. I went back to the hotel and just waited in the lobby for them to arrive. 

The point to this story is that as soon as my son and his family arrived, it all changed. I was transformed from sad and depressed to a much happier grandpa surrounded with love. I ended up having a marvelous time. Today I can go places by myself that were special to Kathy and me and do okay. For this early on your journey, having family along , especially children, can make it more fun than sad. I'm glad to see you doing it. So as Marlin said to Nemo, "Now go have an adventure".

[brat#2]

Brad, I do understand how you are feeling about going to one of your and Deedo's favorite places.  It can be a challenge, however, Stephen is right that having your family with you will make it less so.  In March, when I had family here, we went out to dinner to a couple of Dale's and my favorite restaurants and it wasn't has hard as I thought it was going to be.  It was still sad that Dale wasn't there to enjoy it and I would never have been able to go alone, but with family there it was pretty enjoyable.  I'm sure that once you get there and see how happy the grandkids are, you will be fine.  Have a safe trip.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Speaking of which - leave Saturday to take the kids and grandkids to the Happiest Place on Earth.  I'll see how happy it can make me as it really was Deedo's favorite place on Earth.  Twelve of us for a week, everyone is super excited except for me and I have a reasonable amount of trepidation.

 

Sounds wonderful; have a great time.....Cookie

[Cookie]

17 hours ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I understand the intent, but let us be careful about grading ourselves with a "Grief Report Card" ~ lest we wind up judging ourselves as bereavement failures for not "doing" our grief properly or quickly enough ~ and thinking of ourselves (in the words of Rabbi Earl Grollman) as "under-achievers who have flunked a grief course." The truth is that grief takes as long as it takes, and there is no right or wrong way to "do" it.  ♥

Thanks MartyT for saying this.  I am constantly judging myself about how I'm doing; it's a constant dialogue in my head; one of the things that happens, though, is that as you get further out, even counselors start saying, maybe you should think about antiidepressants, making me feel like there is something wrong with feeling the way I do.  It will be a year on June 13th and I still have so many dark days and anxiety, but I still function quite well, do everything, etc.  I have a hard time accepting the way I feel and just letting things take their course.  I feel like there are a lot of mixed messages.  I really want to feel better.....