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Not too proud


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I'm a proud man.  Usually.  But life is not any kind of normal or usual.  I'm not too proud to say I need help.  I'm trying to grasp so much at once.  Losing my mom has thrown me totally off.  I miss my Mary so much more.  My mom and my wife were so similar.  I loved them both so much there are not enough words.  I'm trying to find strength.  My mom instilled strength in me.  I'm trying so hard but failing.  I need someone to tell me I'm doing okay and not going to fail.  I have no doubt I'm in shock. I'm scared of the shock wearing thin.  

I looked to my mom since Mary died.  She knew how to calm me.  

Words fail me.  Sorry if I'm making no sense.  

Butch. 

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Oh my dear Butch. I'm so saddened to read that you feel as if you are "failing" ~ I presume you mean failing at your ability to "be strong" in the face of the tsunami of grief you have been enduring. There is no one here who is judging you, my friend. And I suspect that no one in your family is judging you, either. So who is standing in judgment of you? I think the one who is hardest on you is YOU. Please, please take my words to heart. You are doing the very best you can, in the face of insurmountable odds and overwhelming grief. Let it be enough. Let it be enough. Let it be enough. 

Your mom knew how to calm you ~ and if she was a good teacher / role model / mother for all of your life (which I've no doubt that she was) she taught you how to self-soothe yourself. Remember that. Tune into that. Listen for her voice. Think about what she would be saying to you in circumstances such as this. You already have the skills you need to do this. Breathe. Meditate. Tune into your mother's voice. Believe in your own ability to get through this latest challenge. Do it now ~ and have faith that you can do this. 

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I know I have everything my mom instilled in me.  There was just no warning she was leaving.  Not that losing Mary was easier because I had warning.  But it feels very different.  I know I will find a way to keep surviving.  Because I have my mom's strength in me.  You're right.  I'm my own critic.  I'm judging myself.  I need to stop that.  She or Mary wouldn't want that.  Thank you for reminding me of things.  I'm overtired.  I have to get my family and my Dad through the service Tuesday.  And I will somehow.  

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I agree wholeheartedly with everything Marty said.

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Butch I'm sorry it hurts so. I hope the strength to get through Tuesday comes to you. I think it will. This is different from Mary leaving. I know in part because my dad died from a fall just six months after I lost my wife. Emotions pile on emotions and even though I had to handle the funeral and take care of my step mom, I got through it somehow. I watched my mom go through something when her dad died. Somehow she held it together as if she had some incredible strength. After the funeral she collapsed in her grief. I never forgot that even though I was only ten. I held her in my thoughts as I took care of my dad's affairs. It took me months before my dad's death hit me. You see, you can only deal with what you can deal with. Let you take care of you. That strength you mom instilled in you? It's still very much there. You'll see. My thoughts are with you for I know how it hurts real bad. Besides all else, there are two souls on the other side now looking after you.

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I bawled like a baby when I went to my dad's funeral.  I was only 29 and pregnant with my daughter, he never got to meet my kids.  My mom didn't shed a tear then, she came home and started throwing all his clothes and stuff away.  :wacko:

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Butch,

 In my opinion(Christian viewpoint), you are still in shock with your Mom passing.  With everything else you are dealing with, I believe our minds can only handle so much at a time. Shock does something to our bodies and mind as well.  I had a person keep telling me, "Stay Strong", shortly after my wife died.  I never did comprehend what that meant. I am the opposite of strong.  I am strongest when I am the weakest.  As a Christian, my strength comes from Jesus for when I admit I am weak He strengthens me.  I can let go of me being in control of the situation.  I pray for strength to handle the situation and He equips.  Give yourself permission to grieve and keep sharing here.  We truly understand your grief as we are going through our own.  Shalom - George

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I can imagine the chaos in your mind.  Too much too soon.  I get those feelings quite often since the beginning of my widowdoom.

At some point you are going to need to put yourself and your needs first.  It's like the advice where you are told to look after yourself or you won't be able to look after anyone else.  Maybe, you don't always have to be the strength of the family.  Maybe, you have someone in the family that would like to step up now and then.  As much as you want to look after everyone, it is important for you to be supported at this time too.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

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Dear Butch,

If you can just keep breathing you will be ok.  It sounds too simple but it can truly help you.

I know you are scared and have all kinds of fears.  Considering what you are going through, it is normal to feel this way (normal not comfortable).  You are facing a time that is not easy but if you can recognize that the events will pass and just live moment to moment it will be so much better for you.  Anxiety is a villain; everything we worry about happening will happen whether we worry or not.  Our worry doesn't help or stop our situations from happening but anxiety can make our situations so much worse.  I hope you can just take a few moments several times a day to breathe, calm your body and mind (if possible), remember that you are loved and that our lives are constantly changing.  Our feelings also are constantly changing and you can know that the fear, anxiety and all of your feelings will come and go.  

Butch, I wish I could be there to help you.  Please know I am focusing my best energies on healing for you and your loved ones.

Marita 

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You will be okay, we're all here for you.  You're in my prayers as you go through her service tomorrow.  Your feelings are all normal and understandable.

Hugs,

Kay

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Dear Butch, it is so hard losing people within a close time span, especially when one of them was an integral part of your support network, or safety net.  You can do this.  We all can and must.  It's a tragic part of life, but the best we can do is appreciate the love we had and still have, and move forward seeking new connections if they be new friends, new interests or new community involvement.  Go easy on yourself and don't expect to be a rock like they show guys in the movies.  You are allowed to feel weak, but it's not weakness, and you will be strong again.  Seek support where you can, here or in person groups in your community.  Even if you are not religious, churches can be very helpful as there are almost always ppl there willing to listen and accept you during those times when you feel alone and they often have support groups and social groups attached.

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My dr this morning prescribed Visteril for sleep and Xanax for break through anxiety in the wake of burying my momma yesterday.  

Mom going to the beach with the family to celebrate Gracie's four month birthday. :wub: 

i know my moms death will hit me at some point but for now I'm trying hard to just be and be with my family.  

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It seems like your mom's death is ever present on your mind and is hitting you, but I hope today you can have a break from it and enjoy your family.  I also hope the Vistaril will help you sleep tonight!  A side benefit is it helps allergies!

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I'm not sure if the reality of my moms death had totally hit me yet.  I just feel like I'm running on fumes so to speak.  But I know if I didn't have my son DIL and grandchildren I would be so much worse off.  I feel like a lucky man. 

Sadly my dad is just running on his own confusing fumes.  He doesn't much want anything to do with Allen or myself when we check in on him.  

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Just remember that your dad loves your mom, loves you and Allen, he's just grieving in his own way.  Some people isolate when they grieve.  Some don't want left alone.  Some are angry.  Some block everything out and seem like they're doing fine...they're not.  We know that.

You're probably right, it probably hasn't hit you with full force yet, it can seem in a state of disbelief at first  Shock seems to protect us somewhat at first, and then little by little when our body thinks we're ready to handle a little more, it begins to eke it out as the shock wears off.  Some people feel they are having a setback when really it's all part of the process.  I don't think any two of our losses are the same either.

Just keep checking on your dad, making sure he's okay and seeing if he needs anything.  

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My heart just jumped into my throat.  I heard the song Wind Beneath my Wings and that song was my song for my mom.  She was the wind beneath my wings in many ways my entire life.  Just like my Mary was my endless love for 34 years and now beyond.  I miss these two ladies so much. Losing my dear mom has brought back my intense feeling after Mary passed.  Numb pain numb again teArs no tears depression lack of sleep denial but then feeling like a Mack truck hit me.  :(

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I'm sorry, Butch, I know it hurts.  These triggers are really hard to take.  That was one of George & my songs too.

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She has the cutest outfits, and I love her eyes!

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