Anger?

[R.Everit55]

I spoke to my Dad this afternoon just checking my on him.  Respecting his "blowing things off" since mom passed.  He said he was angry at me.  I'm baffled.  I didn't do anything to make him angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm lost.  I love him so much and respect him.  Yet I'm making him angry?  I didn't take my mom from him.  She just passed.  I didn't take her away.  Im supposed to just let him be angry at me for absolutely no reason?   

i want my mom and my wife back.  I'm not angry at anyone.  Why should he be angry with me.  

[enna]

Oh, Butch, there could be so many reasons why your dad is angry with you and it may not have anything to do with you. I would ask your dad right out what it was if anything that you did. It is important for you to talk about this rather than to ignore it or suppress it for your own health. You do not need any more stress in your life. I would tell him that you are available to listen to him when he feels like talking with you about his anger. 

You know Butch it is not unusual for someone who is grieving to strike out at someone close to him.  You may be the only constant in your dad’s life right now. Your dad may be overwhelmed by your mom’s death. He may not know how he is going to get through all of this. You being the closest to him may be the reason he is striking out at you.

I know you would like to have Mary there to help you with this.

[kayc]

A lot of times people strike out at the person they feel safest with, unfortunately. I, too, would ask him why he is angry with you.  He may not be able to give a reason or it may be something trivial, either way you know it's about his grief and nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry.  This isn't what you need!

[R.Everit55]

I told him I don't know what I did with understanding and respect and I said he could talk to me.  But he refused.  So I will let him be I guess.  

[kayc]

If he's refusing, there's not much you can do except respect his wishes.

[R.Everit55]

[KATPILOT]

I certainly am not a psychologist Butch but I had one tell me that sometimes people use a defense mechanism such as being angry with someone or God or any number of targets as a means of avoiding dealing with an issue as severe as this. Sharing your feelings with members of your family  may be a good idea. They would be supportive of you and I think you could use some support right now. This issue might be hard to resolve with him right now and you need someplace to go with this. A grief counselor could very well help you right now. Multiple loss is no small thing. Please be good to yourself and try to remember who you are. You are a good person Butch. You always were.

[R.Everit55]

My son is taking control of this issue because he's worried for my health.  He's spoken to my Dad and told him he can be angry but please try to direct it elsewhere instead of me.  I'm proud of Allen for standing up to his Grampy and backing me up.  My dad is welcome to talk to me respectfully is what Allen told him.  So I'm sure he just needs time.  

[R.Everit55]

My Dad said he isn't angry AT me but rather just trying to get through hour to hour and prefers to do it himself but I wasn't letting him (because I'm worried for him) so I'm respecting his wish now. I don't want him alone.  But I have to let him do what he wants.  My fear is I will lose him too.  

[mittam99]

Butch if he's asking for his space you need to give it to him. We all know what it feels like to lose our beloved spouse and each of us grieves differently. I know you love him and want to help but, for now, show your support by honoring his wishes. I am very sorry he lashed out at you. That had to be bewildering. Anyway, like you said, give him some time.

[kayc]

I agree with Steve and Mitch.  It's hard to step back when you want to be supportive of him, but we can only show support their way.  He'll come around eventually, I don't think you'll lose him over this.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm so sorry your father hurt you with his remark.  I believe you are grieving and so is he and you each need gentleness.  Perhaps in a few days he will come to you and share his heartfelt feelings, and you will come to a better understanding of each other.

Hurt is hurt and I'm sorry how deep it cuts, especially now.

Marita

[R.Everit55]

Thank you.  My Dad is still wanting solitude and seems angry.  He said it's not at me.  But I just lost my mom I don't want to lose my dad too.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I can, in some ways, relate to your dilemma.  For an 8 year span off and on my father lived with my husband, son and I.  You could say it was the best of times and the worst of times.  During his his time my parents separated, divorced, remarried and separated.  Having dad living with us was great most of the time; but, when my mother was acting out, as was often the case, it as the worst of times.  Everyone was affected by my mother's behaviour in a negative way.  So, with my son just beginning school, and through times of being homeschooled, my father mourning the loss of his marriage (after 50 years) and his home, and then my husband and I trying to navigate the rough waters of all the upheaval it would get very difficult.  Emotions ran hot most of the time and sometimes someone would be 'out of sorts'.  No harm was meant by things said and by some actions but as we all were emotional it could feel very hurtful.  

My poor dad was so frustrated and confused, he was in his early 80's and couldn't figure out what was going to happen next.  My son was in grade two when things got crazy and was very hurt by the way my mother left my father, she basically left all of us.   I was having my own mental health issues and trying to be a good wife, mother, and daughter.  Anyway, when my mother would upset my dad and he became angry he would act out towards me.  I know part of the problem was that he felt like he had no control over anything.  He could not verbalise that he was feeling useless, overwhelmed, and fearful.

Eventually we had to request a placement for him in a care facility.  He was wanting to go to one, in our city, but there was no room and thus he lived 1 1/2 hours away for a year before we could get him closer to home.  He never really recovered from his broken heart.  He passed away with my husband and I by his side five months after his 91st birthday.  I miss him very much.  

My mother is still alive at 91 and we are very much estranged.  My son is 29 and lives with me.  He also suffers from depression and anxiety.  In January this year my husband ended his life.  We had no idea that he was mentally unwell.  I try to go through each day with with gratitude for the good times, some days I'm not too successful, but I try.

Sorry for the big blab Butch.  I probably should delete all but the first sentence but writing this has been therapeutic for me.

Take care of yourself Butch.  Enjoy what you can and try not to worry about everything.  I wish I could give you and your dad the reassurance you both could use.

[Annie0707]

On 2 July 2016 at 7:08 PM, R.Everit55 said:

Thank you.  My Dad is still wanting solitude and seems angry.  He said it's not at me.  But I just lost my mom I don't want to lose my dad too.  

Hugs for you, send love to your dad and focus on your healing. I know I am very angry at a lot of people but not for any reason but I'm hurting so badly it's easier to lash out and close down than be anything else right now, this is a journey for each of us individual as much as together, send yourself love and send dad lots too, this is a scary journey of uncertainty and we must ride the waves of emotion whatever they may be, take care