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Feeling lost


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24 hours can be an incredible amount of time to fill.  

There are time limits to sleeping, watching tv, being on the computer, reading and doing housework and yard chores.  I went to town today in the hopes of finding a new way to fill time without being alone.  My budget did not allow me much spending and I didn't want to keep going in circles.

I feel very lost and alone.  I can't go back to before I was married at 23.  Life with Gord can not be replicated without him.  I'm not a blend of the two of us anymore either.  Who am I and what interests me?  My horse trailer is gone to pay bills so riding isn't happening.  Everything is so expensive and money is tight.  I'm still a mom but is that all I am?  

There are lots of people here on the forums that probably feel the same.  How do you fill your time?  Have you found your new identity?  I'm looking for ideas and conversation.

Marita

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Unfortunately, we live in a society where we are associated with titles reflecting who/what we are or do - wife, husband, teacher, lawyer; and now add to that the title of widow/widower. Our identity seems to be defined by these titles.

In a GriefShare program I attended, a speaker made the analogy that as a married couple, our lives are like a fine piece of material - woven together to become something beautiful. Now with the death of our partner, that fine piece of material is torn and ripped and has jagged edges. It will take time for the jagged edges (who we now are) to become smooth once again because one of the titles that seems to allude us is the title of "me." Who exactly am I w/o my loved one?

After 2-1/2 yrs, I'm just now seeing the beginning of "me." I'm now able to re-arrange furniture, wear my hair a different way, cook certain foods - all little things, but things that are beginning to define who I am by myself.

Filling in 24 hrs, though, is still tough. I take walks, volunteer at my church and go to free programs offered at the library. I do make it a point to get out of the house everyday for a bit even if it's just to get a cup of coffee and read the newspaper.

This new "normal" takes a lot of time and gentleness to ourselves to adjust. It took time to become who we were, now it will take time to become who we are.

Sue

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I know what you mean...when I first signed on, my user name was AloneAndLost. I changed it to Clematis not long after joining the forum because I felt less alone. I am not having a problem if what to do because with the enormous job of consolidating my dad's and my possessions into one condo, there is more than enough to do. I think who to be is more of a problem...who am I if not my father's daughter, caregiver, and best friend? 

I work on the houses and their contents when I have someone to help me because I really can't get much done when I am alone. And so, what am I doing when I am not working hard on sorting, preparing to move back into my own house, and dealing with my father's and my own necessary affairs? It feels like moping around doing nothing, but I think it's actually called "grieving"...

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11 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Laura,

My chore list is longer than the Mississippi.  It is hard to do everything on my own but that is where my life is right now.

I know the grieving time too. :( 

Happy 4th tomorrow - maybe you like the fireworks.

I know what you mean. Happy fourth to you as well. I am not sure if I will be seeing any fireworks, but I do plan to play the cello in a parade. Someone else carries the endpin and lower bout of the cello and I will be have the headstock over my shoulder and playing the cello with the bow. I hope all goes ok...

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On 7/3/2016 at 4:10 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Life with Gord can not be replicated without him.  I'm not a blend of the two of us anymore either. 

Marita, you are right. This new life will never be the same as your life was with Gord in it. But you actually are a blend of the two of you even though you may not be feeling it this moment. Think about the young Marita before you met Gord. Think about what you did and things that you enjoyed. Now, think about the Marita of today. The Marita that married Gord. And I don't want you to dwell on the pain and sadness right now. Are you really the same person you were before you met Gord? 

If you're anything like me, you'll see that you see things a little differently now. Through his eyes to an extent. He may have shown you things that you never knew or turned you on to things you weren't even aware of. All that is now part of your thought process. So in a way, you truly are a combination of Marita and Gord. And that's good.

I definitely feel like I'm Mitch still intertwined with the essence of Tammy. I know I'm a better person because of that. Because I feel this way, I know Tammy will be with me (in that sense) for the rest of my life.

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I am definitely not the same person I was before I met George.  I've learned so much through knowing him and all that he instilled in me.  Because of him I know I am lovable in a way I never realized before.  Because of him I have more confidence, more compassion for people, a more open mind.  

Mitch, you asked me the question the other day that if I met someone wonderful, etc. would I want to marry again.  Honestly, there is no one like George and he was perfect for me.  I have long ago accepted the fact that he was the best, and I would never want to settle for less than that.  Thinking about him and how wonderful it was with him just drives that home all the more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My days are filled with work I work to jobs and now with Kevin gone I think I will be working to pay my bills till my time to go, if not working I sit around listening to music and staring at his pictured. My grandbabies come over sometimes but can't really bring myself to play like I used to but the do make me smile sometimes I feel like I am letting them and my kids down I used to always play with them, now it's like I want to but can't find it in my head to do it  I married Kevin at 18 so I honestly can't remember who I was, I was a young teenager with teenage dreams everything I am today is because of Kevin I wish I knew how to fill up time just to shut of my brain.

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I was wondering if there are any quilters out there...

I saved some of Gord's shirts to make a memory quilt and I just thought I would ask if anyone has made one.  If I can get some ambition happening it would be good to spend some of my empty time working on it.  I've heard of pillows or cushions too but never seen any.

 

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I couldn't be less of a quilter if I tried but the memory quilt sounds like a lovely idea, Marita.

 

I tried to start whittling a couple of months ago. I bought a book and a proper whittling knife. Haven't quite managed to get into it to the degree I wanted.

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This bout of despair has been agonizing.  I'm desperate for some human interaction.  I've been thinking about going to a bar just to see people and maybe, hopefully make some small talk.  I just really don't want to be alone.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  

There is so much needing doing and I have no ambition and no self discipline.  Doing everything alone ... why bother, who cares? I need to un-funkify.  My brain is on the broken track again, the one that Gord knew how to fix.  The anxiety builds as tomorrow will soon be here.  I don't care about the age thing.  59, big deal.  I've had too many sad birthdays.  Hell, just plain too many sad days period!  

I'm rambling here, trying to find what might help me to get up and get doing.  When you don't feel any satisfaction it sure doesn't motivate any action.  Every time I go outside I see all the yard chores waiting for me.  When I stay inside I see the housework is seriously overdue.  

There was some game show where you could 'call a friend', 'ask the audience' and ?  I don't remember the third choice... skip the question maybe.  That's what I would like to do, skip to a better day.  I'm guessing that is where alcoholism and drug addiction comes from; wanting/needing to escape reality.  I could use an alternate reality right now.

When Gord was alive and I started to feel like this he would sometimes take me for a drive.  We could be together and talk or not.  He could tell me that things would be ok and I felt such relief.  There isn't anyone who I know that I would believe if they said that.  How the hell is it going to be anything but sorrow from now on?  Even when I un-funkify my life is still going to be a misery.  I'm just so disgusted with myself.

I know that there are thousands and thousands of people far worse off than I am.  I can't be grateful for that.  I'm not greatful for being alive.  I'm not grateful being a widow.  I'm not greatful for the pain my heart and brain are feeling ?

I am grateful that I have a safe place, that I can come on this forum and unload my feelings, and that when I'm tired or hungry I have a bed and food.  I have clothing, transportation and all kinds of things I could 'play' with, for these things I am grateful.  I am greatful that my son is mostly healthy.  I'm greatful that I live in a place where I can make choices about my life.

i am grateful that my horse is calling me away from the computer.  I will be ok, soon.

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I am over the ugly hump, I think.  My birthday has passed, July 19th, and I want to do some living.  Being stuck in the depression is exhausting.  There is so much going through my mind it is like what I imagine a computer does when trying to put the bus and bites in some manageable order.  Lots of 404's happening - still feeling lost...

Was it just me or has this month been particularly difficult for so many of us?

 

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Can you imagine what would be left of the calendar if we removed the bad days, numbers, months?    Time would be passing much quicker.  No Tuesdays, no 5ths and no July, December, or January.  Maybe I will just rename those times.

Monday, the next day, Wednesday, Thursday and so on...  I can call the date, the day after the fourth.  Tiger lily works for the summer month, the Last Month and the First Month work for the other two.

I hope that eventually the pain during those dates will be less noticeable.

take care Joyce :)

Marita

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Tomorrow marks 31 weeks of widowhood.  

I can say that it is better today than it was earlier this month but at the same time I know that the better isn't going to last forever, or even close to long enough.  Recognizing that this journey has overpowering surges of emotional lows and only short glimpses of gentle emotions has been key for me.  

I think my biggest problem arises because I'm isolated from good human interaction.  Small talk is ok, standing in line at the bakery, but I need more than that.  When I spend too much alone time I can feel the waves of sorrow flooding into my heart and brain.  I try to get out to feel better but when I don't have any 'feel ok' time it is crushing.  

Being a couple for so long and not really going anywhere has meant I don't really know where to go or how to meet new people.  I am not looking for a meal ticket or any kind of physical connection, I don't care if it's a woman or a man.  My husband always was easy to look at and very approachable looking.  I guess I'm looking for that type of look.  Maybe that is the problem, I'm looking.  

Any thoughts?         I'm just so very alone and lonely.  

Marita

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6 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I think my biggest problem arises because I'm isolated from good human interaction.  Small talk is ok, standing in line at the bakery, but I need more than that.  When I spend too much alone time I can feel the waves of sorrow flooding into my heart and brain.  I try to get out to feel better but when I don't have any 'feel ok' time it is crushing.  

Being a couple for so long and not really going anywhere has meant I don't really know where to go or how to meet new people.

Marita,

I will refrain from offering any words of "wisdom" (as if I had any).  Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.  The love of my life died 6 months ago (1/28/16), and I find my situation perfectly described by your words.

My prayer to us is that we can hold on when there is nothing to hold on to, and that day by day the pain and grief will lessen.  I am going to meet with a counselor on Wednesday.  My thought is that if I have to do that to have someone listen to me, then that is what I must do.

Hugs,

 

Bill

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Marita,

It wasn't too bad when I was working but when I retired that was a whole new sense of lonely or alone.  Doing volunteer work at the senior site and at the church has helped me, although being Treasurer doesn't really get me around people much as I'm working alone in the office, but at least I'm doing something constructive.  I also visit with a neighbor and walk the dog twice a day.  I'm still alone more than I like, but it's not as bad as it could be.

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