Dealing with icky family members

[Clematis]

My sisters have pretty much stopped speaking to me since my father died, leaving me the executor. It is rather obvious why he named me executor, since my sisters told him they didn't want him to move to their town -an hour away-while I was trying very hard to coax him to move from PA to AZ. He had Parkinson's Disease and had to leave his split level house. I took care of him for ten years, while my sisters had little contact with him aside from milking him for money. My younger sister was able to find a second husband to provide for her very well, having divorced her first husband, the psychopath, and conning my dad into providing over $100K for her during the interim. She was not named the executor because she's not trustworthy, even though she could have probably determined everything of value in my dad's condo in less than an hour and arranged to have the rest hauled off.

My older sister was not named executor because she cannot handle her own affairs, much less adding the affairs of another person across the country. Nevertheless, my older sister and I were always close until recently. When she began really struggling after her losing child support because her kids were over 18 , I bought her art, sent her money, and got my father to send her money when she couldn't pay her mortgage or had no oil to heat her house or whatever emergency she had going. We both helped her a LOT. She didn't even want to have to ask our dad for money-she wanted me to do it, and I did.

He got tired of sending her money, complaining "I don't understand why she won't work". I set up an arrangement whereby she would do 2-3 hours of commercial (graphic) artwork for me every week ($40/hour) and my dad would pay her, with me facilitating the transfer of funds immediately upon the receipt of her emailed invoice. He liked it because she was working, To me, it was a luxury-it would have been more difficult to do it myself. My sister...was not so happy about it because she had to create simple invoices, and occasionally I had some input about what she was doing for me and once or twice had the audacity to ask her to change something, like a font.

I once asked my older sister if she had seen something that I had put on Facebook for her benefit. She became irritated and pointed out that she could hardly be expected to see some post from me because she had over 700 fb friends. Now she has over 800 fb friends. 

Her birthday was Friday. I sent her...drumroll...a message saying, "Happy Birthday!" That's it! 

I'm really sick of watching a parade of all her arty posts about herself and her artsy friends and how cool and artsy they are while I am out here alone crying and digging through our father's possessions, and trying to make room for everything I can at my own small condo by jettisoning my own stuff. My father's collection of stuff also includes things of my mother's and both of their parents, grandparents, etc. My sisters also got a lot of family stuff because our parent's house was way bigger than my dad's condo. My dad brought the things that meant the most to him. It's been really difficult and my sisters are not interested in hearing about it.

Today I stopped following my sister on fb...

[sharirouse]

I don't blame you, I should stop following my brother. Technically he is only my half but sometimes I feel like the only thing we share is a name. I don't know what it is but death can bring out the hatefulness in people I have never seen. My brother is 27 yrs older than me and says he was abandoned by my dad and is jealous my dad raised me. So now as a middle aged man he throws pity parties and I couldn't care less. I don't feel a single thing for him. He didn't even cry when our father died.

 

I hope your sister comes around but if they don't care about your feelings or parent, will you miss much in your life without them?

Personally, I know I wont.

 

[Clematis]

On July 11, 2016 at 1:31 PM, sharirouse said:

I hope your sister comes around but if they don't care about your feelings or parent, will you miss much in your life without them?

Personally, I know I wont.

 

Hi Sharirouse, I just now noticed your post and I know well what you mean. I used to be close to my sister - the older one - and now I feel a lot as if she were dead. As I have gone through my things and my father's things in my efforts to consolidate two condos stuff into one, I run across things she made, letters she wrote, cards, things gave me and so on. I have the same kind of sadness that I feel with my dad's things. I remember the past as I see these things...things remind me of my dad when he was alive and things remind me of my sister back when she used to like me. I loved her. I thought we loved each other. And now it is as if she were dead. I feel very sad. I have lost my entire family, even though two of them are still alive. It really is as if they were all dead - both parents and both sisters. I miss the life I had when I had a family. Now I have only my cat...

I am sorry about your brother. It is hard to really give up on family...

[sharirouse]

There is always a chance that things could get better. You were close to both of them so you at least have that past. Hopefully she will come around. And you could just lay it all out there for her, as in how you feel, because what else do you have to lose? If she's gone, shes gone, but she could still be in there somewhere. 

As for my brother, I didnt have a relationship with him before my dad was sick so Im not losing much. My aunt was in the hospital recently and she told him we had been in town. This is the aunt that doesnt like him. No one said anything. NOTHING. So I think they dont care. I dont mind if the "in law" and kids dont want to get involved but he didnt say anything so I see no point! 

He says we are family and we are from the same man, but he doesnt realize how stubborn I am like my dad. He thinks he is stubborn but he wasnt raised by my dad.

[Athos]

I am also the executor of my mother's estate and have 2 sisters. One who lives near me gives me advice when I ask for it but rarely calls and did little to clear out the condo and nothing with the finances. Her son did nothing at all. She can barely handle her own affairs if at all. My other sister lives in another state and I am not speaking much to her.She can be very angry and nasty or very nice depending on her mood. I did all the work and they get equal shares for doing nothing. Besides that I have a semi-competent rude and annoying lawyer who does not like me nor I him. It was an enormous amount of work and it is practically done now, except I am waiting to get compensated for my work. My sisters have not formally agreed. Maybe they won't. Stupidly my case went to probate because my dumb lawyer made a mistake. I hope you do not have to do this. Every state is different.   Basically I feel very alone like you. I have 1 friend who hears this story and my grief. No one else cares or knows. My sisters have no curiosity about this. I am holding on to the condo sales money until it is finally over. (This gives them an incentive to cooperate if needed and provide compensation.) 

I am tired of being alone. I miss her a lot. I knew I would. She was very needy (and needling) in the last year--and very judgmental. But she left a hole in my life or as if a wall has been erected.  Depressed with much anxiety day to day. Live music helps.

 

[kayc]

When my friend Jim lost his mom he had to spend $10,000 to an attorney and it took him about a year to settle the estate...and he had no siblings!  It seems like a lot of red tape and hassle to get through this process.  My mom left a will naming my brother gets everything, never mind us five sisters.  So, that's how it was!  Wills often have little bearing on who was actually there for them during their lives.

[Clematis]

On August 24, 2016 at 9:13 AM, Athos said:

Basically I feel very alone like you. I have 1 friend who hears this story and my grief. No one else cares or knows. My sisters have no curiosity about this. I am holding on to the condo sales money until it is finally over. (This gives them an incentive to cooperate if needed and provide compensation.) 

Hi Athos - somehow I missed this when you posted. It does sound like our situations are similar, with siblings in similar roles. Neither of them helped with anything, one of them would be happy to advise but never calls, and the other can barely handle her own affairs and now we aren't speaking - her desire, not mine. Yesterday, the later one, my older sister, phoned me by mistake. It rang, I saw it was her, said hello several times and waited. Eventually she said hello and "Did you call me?" I said, "No, you called me". She apologized several times and I told her "You don't need to apologize - I'm your sister", to which she apologized again. Then she said she'd just gotten somewhere and couldn't talk and said, "Good night". It was in the middle of the afternoon.

I am sorry you are going through this same kind of thing. It's really awful and painful in a way that doesn't seem to stop. It's like a festering wound. I don't understand people treating family like this and prioritizing money over family. The sister that called me is the same one that my dad and I both gave a lot of money to because she "didn't want to work", as my father described it. I also rescued her from her house foreclosing by really pushing on the life insurance going through as soon as possible. I barely got it to her in time - less than two weeks. And her response was that I just wasn't nice to her and she didn't want to talk to me. She has gotten very aggressive and nasty, but still talks about how she is a "beta" personality and people push her around - especially me. The grief/bereavement counselor from hospice has been really helpful; he told me more than once that this is a shame response and that the fact that she can't make it through life without help from her little sister makes her feel inadequate, which has to be my fault. It would take more insight than she has to figure out that two professional degrees and licensing would be more practical than a Masters in Fine Art (painting).

I'm with you on the incentive to cooperate, and my dad's attorney and my financial advisor pointed out that to me not long ago. I need to stop thinking that they will suddenly decide to to the right thing.