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I am four and a half years out from my 18 year old daughters death and there are days I still can't get out of my own way. In the first two years I kept thinking 'be gentle with yourself' or 'you're still broken, give yourself the time and space to heal' but now I'm starting to think that this is just the new normal for me. I recognize it, I meditate and am rather mindful so I decided to let it be and work with it. I made a 'memory station' in my house and office. When are things I need to do or deadlines, appointments, assignments etc. I write them down on bright colored paper and post them up in the same location everything so that I know this is where I need to go to find things. It's helped. Some days are better than others though. For some reason I find this system more helpful than putting everything in my calendar on my computer. Just the way my brain works I guess.

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It has been over a decade since my brother died and I still tell myself every week "Be gentle with yourself". I think the experience of losing someone changes the way your brain works in general.  I had to learn my new self (the things that bother me, the things that upset me, what I am and am not able to do).  Grieving is so difficult because while you are damaged permanently by losing one person you are also losing the self you used to be (pre-loss self) and are trying to figure out this new person you are.  In many ways I feel like the person I was before my brother died is dead too and when I think about who she was sometimes and when I see her in photos I see her almost as a friend I used to have that I lost touch with and no have forgotten most things about.  I have also found that they more systems, routines, and programs I put in place for myself the better I manage but there are ALWAYS hard days.  Managing gets easier but the loss stays hard.

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Thanks elb, I agree, the managing get better but the loss is still huge and hard! I get up every morning and look in my daughters room because there are still days where it feels like this has all been just one huge nightmare and maybe, just maybe she'll be in her bed. Its just so hard to see her friends all graduating from college, getting married, starting families. She'll never have that, we won't have that, her sister will never have an aunt for her children, or cousins on our side of the family. The loss is greater than just a hole, its a vortex of deep and vast nothingness!

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Penny,

I am sorry for your loss...remind yourself to continue to be gentle with yourself, it's not just for a year or two, but it can take the rest of our lives...it changes us, changes our lives, changes our brain's ability to focus.  I appreciate your mentioning your system for remembering...I use my google calendar with pop up reminders, I would hate to rely on my brain!  My mom used to put masking tape reminders on her front door.  Whatever helps!

elb,

I'm sure you ARE a different person "after death" than before.  

59 minutes ago, elb said:

Managing gets easier but the loss stays hard.

Undoubtedly!

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Thank you Marita, its been a horribly tragic loss not only for myself and my husband but also for her older sister who now is an only child. She has her grief too but she also carries the added burden of quilt (survivors guilt), no sister, no best friend, feeling solely responsible for trying to 'hold us up'. People always say to us 'at least you still have one daughter' which does not help one bit. After all...which child would they be willing to give up? Everything we do as a 'family' now is a huge reminder of the gap. Just sitting at the table is tough, we all look at where Marley used to sit. In order to not feel the pain so deeply, we've decided to change some of our old family rituals just to make things a little easier. Its what we all call 'self preservation'. Its all part of finding your new path on this very unwanted journey.

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Penny, 

I can relate to a very small part of your older daughter's feelings as I am an only child - my parents choice.  In all, I spent so much time and energy trying to focus on pleasing my parents in any and every way possible that I missed out on just being myself.  I'm 59 now and it's only been the last 14 years that I've started to figure out what I think, or like or want from life.  The 'hold us up' feeling is immense.  I hope she can put those feelings aside so that she doesn't overwhelm herself with it.  

Marita

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Marita,

Do you have any suggestions for us as It's so on my mind. We keep telling Zoe that it's not her responsibility to do this but I don't think my words resonate. I would love some insight or tools that would allow me to 'show' her that this is true and not just keep telling her. If you were your parents, knowing what you know now, how would you have dome things differently? Please know you don't have to answer...I'm more or less talking out loud. ~ Penny

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18 hours ago, PennyS said:

Everything we do as a 'family' now is a huge reminder of the gap. Just sitting at the table is tough, we all look at where Marley used to sit. In order to not feel the pain so deeply, we've decided to change some of our old family rituals just to make things a little easier. Its what we all call 'self preservation'. Its all part of finding your new path on this very unwanted journey.

You sound very wise.  I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing one of my children, even though they're grown, they mean everything to you, even if you don't see them often.  The losses I have suffered have been hard, especially my husband, it affected every aspect of my life.

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Hello Penny, 

I would really like to answer your question.  I feel very badly for your family as a whole and for each of you as individuals.  

I don't know how you would feel about allowing Zoe to read the comments on this thread.  Perhaps with the help of myself and others on here you could put the comments into some kind of document or letter that she could read.  That way you can edit out what you feel is not appropriate or applicable.  We don't know your daughter at all and the last thing anyone wants to do is cause her more grief.

Is Zoe on this forum, or another forum?  It might help her to be able to talk with people of her age that are in a similar situation.  My son has not wanted to go to a grief councellor as I have.  I believe he would really benefit from therapy as the result of holding it in is not going to be good for him.  He is feeling like he needs to 'step up and be the man in the family' but I have told him that that is not his job.  Sure there are things I need help with but I will ask for help, he doesn't need to be worried about trying to figure out what he 'should be doing'.

When I was growing up and feeling solely responsible for my parents' happiness my mother took advantage of it.  She did and said things to reinforce the feelings I had.  I know that is not at all what you want for Zoe.  You want the same things for her as you wanted for Marley and maybe she needs to be reminded of that.  Our adult children are living though a tragic and confusing time and it is just as traumatic for them, if not more traumatic, because they don't have the years of life experience to draw from.

I don't know the circumstances of Marley's death but I'm thinking that in part Zoe blames herself.  That blame doesn't make sense but nothing about death makes sense.  Even though we would rather it be us that died so that our loved one could live, we can not change who died.  I am choosing to live, to focus on living my life to the fullest.  I want to honour my husband and all the wonderful things we created together.  I want to do the things we planned to do in the hopes that he is there doing them with me and getting pleasure from it too.  We didn't have a perfect marriage but mostly we had a solid one.  We weren't rich but we felt rich in the love we had for each other and for our son.  We felt rich living in a place/country where we didn't fear for our safety and could enjoy freedom and had the ability to have a modest home and have animals.  To us that is what rich was.  I do not want to lose or waste what we worked hard for and looked forward to.  My life isn't going to be sunshine and roses all the time, there are thorns on the roses and we need rain for the roses to flourish.  It is empty without my soul mate, but life is about taking the good with the bad and making the best of it.  I will always love my husband.  There is no one else on earth like him.  My Gord didn't like to see me sad or upset when he was alive and I don't believe he would want that now that he is gone.

If you can find anything useful in my ramblings I will be pleased.  If I haven't provided anything helpful I just pray that someone else here will come forward with their wisdom.

I will continue to hold your family in my heart and prayers Penny.  Hugs to you all.

Marita

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