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ella

5 years since my Mum's passing - Still struggling, need help

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My Mom passed almost five years ago of Cancer when I was 16. She was ill since I was 12. was an incredible Mom, I am so proud and grateful that she was mine. Since her passing, I have felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as I wasn't there for her when she was dying. I was so afraid - I hid in my room on the computer. In a sense, I still do. I experienced deep, overwhelming depression and agoraphobia. It spiralled out of control. Every time I get a job, for example, I become deeply depressed and spiral into suicidal thoughts and actions. I do not know how to stop this. 

 

Since my Mom's passing, I have continually dropped out of schools, jobs and relationships. I struggle with keeping my word and struggle to accept myself.

A few days ago my Dad told me he is at breaking point and struggles supporting me as an adult. It is not fair to him.

 

In a few weeks, I am starting school again. I really do not want to fail and drop out this time - I want to succeed.

 

Please help me

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Ella, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn of your mom's untimely death, and sorry too that you're feeling so incapacitated in the wake of this significant loss. You don't say what, if any, support you had then, or in the years since then. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor who specializes in loss and grief? With the symptoms you describe, I think it's essential that you find that sort of in-person, face-to-face guidance and support. Clearly you are struggling, and clearly you recognize your need for help. I hope and pray that you will find it. (See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You.)

Meanwhile, you are most welcome to be here with us ~ a safe and caring place where you'll find others whose loss is similar to your own, and where you'll discover ways to better understand and cope with your struggles. You are not alone. 

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We will be here rooting for you as you try to succeed in school.  I believe you can do it and hope you will read some of the posts from other young people such as Shari Rouse, who lost her dad when she was in college.  I also hope you'll take to heart Marty's advice to see a grief counselor.  This is a good safe place to be and to express your feelings, which can be very cathartic.

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Hi Ella,

I lost my dad a month before my 21st birthday but he was diagnosed when I was 17 so I can relate somewhat in age. 

First off, if you can and feel like you can handle it, I think you should try going to a grief therapist. I went to one for a little bit and I really feel that it helped. One thing that she taught me was about guilt. Guilt occurs when you intend to do hard and I know you didnt. One thing you can do is write a letter to her and tell you how you feel. Apologize if you need to but try not to say "forgive me" but more of "I am sorry" or "i apologize." :)

I somehow, sometimes Im not sure how, made it through college after my dad died. The first few months were a struggle and I still suffer from absent mindedness and have lost friends and such from the loss so I know what you mean. 

Feel free to message me if you want to talk :)

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Hi Ella, I agree with Shari.  It's no one's business to tell you that what you are experiencing isn't normal under the circumstances.  You experienced a severe loss and such a young age and it's unclear what kind of support network you had in the aftermath.  Often, family members and friends aren't able to be supportive as we need them to be, which is so much harder for such a young person.  

Regardless, what you are experiencing is interfering with your quality of life.  It's time to seek outside assistance whatever than may me.  Maybe it's one to one therapy, maybe it's an in person support group, maybe it's medication if you feel that would help.  Either way, I urge you to take of yourself.  No one can make you do it, but there's no point suffering in silence.  We all know that our loved one's would want us living life, not locked in grief.  If you can, I'd get in touch with the medical center at your college and see if they have therapy resources.  Many colleges do have no or low cost therapy options and other mental health services for students.

In the meantime, I hope you are able to gain support here.  Please message me if you need to.  Best.  Michelle

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Thank you for your kindness and support MartyT, kayc, sharirouse, seachelle

I have tried therapy in the past but haven't found it helpful. 

Thanks again 

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I'm just gonna throw this out there...since you guys don't know me in person you can't use it against me ;)  I take Zoloft and I don't know how I'd be doing without it.  It's no one's business.  I'd say to keep trying therapy but only you know if it could work.  I don't advocate for medication, but I know it can be a life boat when you are struggling to get on your feet.  Just my two cents.

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LOL :lol: I take Effexor and have since around the time my dad got diagnosed with cancer! I told my doctor that he was terminal and she doubled the dose immediately! 

It definitely helps but I completely agree with you. Im trying to develop more healthy habits and outlets because I want to eventually wean myself off of it. Sometimes you need something to pull you out of a dark pit. 

I had a terrible bout of sadness in January and considered getting an antidepressant because I was scaring myself. Like you said, its no ones business and you are at least trying to heal!

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Ella, you also might not be ready for therapy too. Heck, some people dont like sharing their feelings so its completely understandable. I remember during grief therapy, I was assigned the task of writing my dad a letter and saying. OUT LOUD and in front of the therapist, "Goodbye dad." Oh man. I almost told her no and ran home. 

I like using this forum as therapy because I feel safer and I can leave and never return to this forum if I get scared. Ive also found that writing things out and tearing them up helps :) sometimes you just need to stay afloat and weep for a couple months before you are able to do other grief work. I know I spent a lot of time just in pain and crying. I loudly and ugly cried and felt relieved after. Whatever works, as long as its healthy!

 

As I was poking along Marty's pinterest, I found this gem and I cannot tell you how true this was for me. this picture is how my first year of grief went.. It will be the two year mark on Wednesday and deep inside, this still applies: 38fe54ba334361bc8a9307ba7f53681e.jpg

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It really resonated with me and there was never any words that truly represented what I felt

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