Uncontrollable crankiness

[Clematis]

Sometimes I feel like I am unreasonably cranky - or can't tolerate things as well as I usually do. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's grief or the head injury from the car accident. I live in a condo, so we share walls. It's a nice place and people live here because they want a quiet place that looks good. A young family lives next door; they've been there for three years-a couple and 8-yr old daughter. I have tried really hard to get along with these people, but they are people who don't like to follow the rules and blame any problem on someone else. There is a rule about letting any pet run loose, and their cat runs all over, poops where she wants, and she likes to taunt my cat through the window and leave white cat hair all over. I ignore it. They burn incense on their back patio, which bothers my allergies and I can't go outside when they are doing that. I've asked them to not do that and they told me I should keep my door closed if I didn't like it. So that's how it is. Sometimes I can't use my patio. Oh well. They have two cars and park one in their carport, but they cannot park in their garage because they are using it as a room. They have no legal place for them to put their second car, so they park it directly in front of both of our side-by-side garages. I have ignored this since I don't park in my garage anyway (it's stuffed). I asked them at the beginning of the summer to please park behind their other car somewhere else and not in front of my garage. They continued to park there, and acted very annoyed with me on the few occasions when I asked them to move their car because I needed access to my garage since I was moving (back in). 

Then there is the music; they like to listen to music with a loud bass that comes pounding through the wall. Sometimes things on the wall rattle. I have had a headache every day for about four months now since the car accident, and this is just too much. It didn't use to be a problem, but they have a new stereo and they are very enthusiastic about it. The first time I went over to ask them to turn it down, after I finally got a grownup to come to the door, the mother explained that her daughter and friend were having a dance party, as if I should be respectful and go home. I apologized and said I had a headache and would they please at least turn the bass down. After a while they turned it down. A little. This has happened several times. The last time, I called them and asked Adam if he would please turn it down because someone was coming to look at my dad's condo, as well as mine, and a walk through the neighborhood. I didn't want my friend's uncle to think it was like a college dorm in here. Adam said he was leaving in ten minutes and he would turn it down or off then - but not before. It was off only thirty seconds before my friend and his uncle got there.

So today I was working on a report, with a headache which got worse and worse, because the music was louder than ever. Something snapped. I called Maureen the property manager and she came up, saw the car illegally parked behind my garage, listened to the pounding music, talked about the cat, went out back and was astonished at the level of the incense, etc. We went out and she took pictures of their car. I went next door to ask them to turn it down, with Maureen lurking behind me out of sight. Adam came to the door, looked at me and said, "No." It didn't quite register and I asked him to turn down the music. He responded, "I said no" and went on to tell me that the city noise ordinance didn't start until 10:00pm and I could call the police and they could explain it to me.

Maureen showed herself and explained to him that the association has rules and so on. He started yelling at Maureen - that he didn't have to listen to her and making up stuff about how I was a terrible neighbor and very noisy and that I play the cello really loud all night night long. I said no, I sleep at night.  I don't particularly like Maureen but she does a great job of keeping things in order. I don't mess with her, and not one with any sense does. This is a woman who has told people with a dog that barked when they left it during the day that they had to move, get rid of the dog, or have its vocal cords surgically removed. Really and truly. Shortly after Maureen left, they made a big production about moving their cars - she left in her car and he gave his horn a loud honk as he moved it away from my garage and into his own carport. 

So, I called Maureen later and she said not to worry - that she was going to work on getting them evicted (they rent their unit). But it's hard not to worry - I feel like I're started a war, after trying so hard to get along with these people for three years. As I write all this, I realize it makes no sense that this is my fault. But still it seems like I've become unreasonably cranky.

Or maybe I'm just unreasonably long-winded...

[kayc]

Try keeping a spray water bottle on hand and squirting the cat with it when it shows up at the window.  Kind of hard to do in the winter, but it'd work when the weather is nice (if you have a screen and can leave the window open.

Trying placing a fan on your patio to blow the incense smoke back in their direction, away from your place and see if that helps.

Parking in front of your garage should not be an option for them.  Maybe have their car towed if they refuse to keep it on their side?

Meanwhile, I'm glad Maureen is going to work on having them evicted.  These people have no empathy, to continually have loud music when you have a head injury and headaches to contend with makes them horrible neighbors in my book!  I hope they're gone in a month or so!

No you're not being cranky, although the head injury and grief undoubtedly takes it's toll on your tolerance, even without that, you wouldn't want to put up with these neighbors.  I've had "neighbors from hell", it's no fun!

[Clematis]

Thanks Kay-I appreciate the support. I need it; I feel really badly about this. I have tried so hard to get along with these neighbors, and I certainly don't want to get into a mud-slinging contest with people who are obviously a lot more adept and experienced at it than I. I used to squirt the cat, and got her with the hose (a bit) when outside watering the plants. The "window" is actually a sliding glass door, which I love to leave open, but don't do as much lately due to the incense, which drifts inside my house. Several times I took Lena outside (with leash & harness) when I saw the other cat, who ran like hell. It didn't deter the cat and I felt badly because it's not the cat's fault. That's a good idea about the fan. it's not against the rules and the noise is annoying.

A friend told me once that Sedona is a mecca for the narcissistic and I think she's right. But then again, I think our whole culture is becoming more self-absorbed and less considerate of others. These people think the rules are for other people. Adam once told me that his cat had been picked up by animal control, and he went looking for her and identified her. They were charging him a fee and he didn't want to pay it, so he told them he was going out to his car to get his checkbook, but grabbed the cat and ran. He was bragging about how clever he is. That kind of thing makes me wary and I really don't want to get into an escalating conflict with them. We live so close and I am vulnerable to them. They rent but I own my condo and may have more concerns about it. Also, my beloved plants are outside and totally vulnerable.

It may be that the thing to do is to just let Maureen take care of it. She is not a good person to have crossed. I probably am not either. I tried very hard to to work with them but I am done looking the other way and trying to help them. I probably need to just stay out of any trouble myself and let things play out.

They will have to start following the rules, including the car and the cat, or they will have to find a new home - and finding a nice place to rent reasonably in a tourist town is hard enough with out having two pets, a child, and a recent history of an eviction notice for not following the rules. Even if they skip Maureen and use other references to try to get a place, people know Maureen because she's been a big realtor all over a small town for a long time, has been the property manager here for 20 years and she and her husband own a very popular pub. There are two rental property companies in town who handle majority of rentals here; Maureen naturally is very friendly with both of them, and the condo next door is handled by one of them. Of course there are private rentals, but not like this - with a pool that their daughter loves.

But that's not my problem. My problem is that I worry too much and neither the grief nor the head injury had helped that any. I need to find a way to stop my obsessively ruminating thoughts because they give me headaches.

[kayc]

I'm glad Maureen will be handling it.  When I had the neighbors from hell it was in the country and they didn't care about ordinances and no one (county) enforced anything, we would have had to hire an attorney, which we could ill afford.  They would run power equipment at 2 am and had 13 barking hounds (each which sound like they have a dual set of vocal chords anyway) and would take one or two with them when they made their marijuana run (growing on USFS property) from 10 pm to 1 am, so the rest of the dogs would howl and bark until they came back.  They had them tied up next to the property line, in violation of covenant agreements.  They had two doghouses to go around so the first two got them, the rest were out in the mud.  Their son would shoot guns outside (he was a kid, no supervision), and once trapped our cat on our property...we had to put the cat down by the time we found it.  They were something out of a horror movie!  So glad when after 13 long years, they finally moved!

[seachelle]

That sounds intolerable.  I'm glad that your property manager is responsive.  In the meantime have you considered using ear plugs or headphones with relaxing music when you need peace and quiet.  I have always lived in close quarters with others so these tools have been a life line at times.  Also, I generally don't complain about marijuana, most responsible, adult smokers are smart enough to conceal it from their neighbors so it's not a problem.  However, I have found that ppl who use strong incense are often masking marijuana or other types of illicit smoking behavior. That is something else you could alert prop management too if the noise ordinance is not followed.

[Clematis]

Kay -That sounds really awful - this is more of an annoyance, although things escalated today and Invited the police over for a chat. I went outside this afternoon and the woman and little girl were getting into her car, which was parked in front of my garage door. I asked her to please stop parking in front of my garage and she said yeah, while rolling her eyes and making a face. I pointed out that I had asked them to stop doing that at the beginning of the summer and... (I didn't get to finish, as she had gotten into her car and slammed the door)

Then later I was standing near my dad's Mercury, which was parked in one of the Visitor's spots rather briefly and Adam was sitting in his car in front of the other neighbor's garage. he got out of his car, walked towards me and started taking pictures/videos of me and the Mercury with his cell phone. I walked a little closer to him and was telling him that I had tried to work with him and be flexible and...I didn't get to finish that one either because he got in his car and began pivoting the car this way and that going back and forth in the intersection and almost backed his car into me - missed me by less than a foot, but I got away from his car. Then he pulled up next to me and continued to taunt me and take videos of me with his call phone.

So I called the police and they came over and I told them all this. Then he went next door and talked to the neighbors. She told him that when I asked her to stop parking there that I was really aggressive. He told the cop that the only reason he had refused to turn down the stereo was that I had come to their door rather than phoning them. They made it out like I was harassing them by coming to their door all the time and that was why they had put a lock on the gate was because they don't like being bothered like that. They never told me to phone them and I have been at their door less than ten times in three years.

The cop told me to phone them if there was a problem, and then call them if they were unreasonable. He also said that I should keep in touch with Maureen and be patient about the eviction process. He also said he would talk to Maureen - small town here - and she does own a pub...

I was talking to a friend on the phone about this and she thought I am likely to have a positive outcome from this - either they will start following the rules or they will be evicted since they are renters and signed a lease agreeing to follow the association rules.

[Clematis]

22 minutes ago, seachelle said:

That sounds intolerable.  I'm glad that your property manager is responsive.  In the meantime have you considered using ear plugs or headphones with relaxing music when you need peace and quiet.  I have always lived in close quarters with others so these tools have been a life line at times.  Also, I generally don't complain about marijuana, most responsible, adult smokers are smart enough to conceal it from their neighbors so it's not a problem.  However, I have found that ppl who use strong incense are often masking marijuana or other types of illicit smoking behavior. That is something else you could alert prop management too if the noise ordinance is not followed.

Thanks! I think you're right, and I imagine Maureen has thought of that - she owns a bar and has been around. I think they are probably pot smokers. They are very paranoid and jittery at times, but other times are very laid back and mellow. They think they can do whatever they want. When all this happened this afternoon, he went over to his house and started banging something on the wall. I have no idea what he was doing, but it was still going on when the cop got there. He heard this banging, as it was really loud and asked me if this was something I had heard before. I told him no, never before - I thought he was just doing this to annoy me.

I figure a little police contact was probably good for them. It was annoying that she told the cop I was really aggressive when I was asking her to stop parking in front of my garage. My voice may have been a little louder than my "inside voice" because she was 25 or 30 feet away from me and I wanted her to hear me, but my friend was with me and she said that by no stretch was that aggressive. I do think she may have found it shameful to be chastised for not following the rules in front of her eight year old daughter.

That's a good suggestion. Ear plugs and headphones tend to give me a headache and music is distracting when I'm trying to work (write reports), but I could have the fan run whether the A/C was going or not...mask the noise a bit? I think I'll do what the cop told me as well - call them if it's too loud, and if they don't turn it down, call the police. Eventually that will be a problem. I'm sure Maureen doesn't want the police in here every day. No one does.

I just hope I can sleep after all that...

[seachelle]

Sad for the kid to be living in that environment.  

[kayc]

He's going after you with his car, missing you by a foot, and YOU'RE the aggressive one?  Have you even got their phone number?  So many people aren't listed because they use cell phones.

I thought the same thing...incense is often used to mask drugs.

[Clematis]

8 hours ago, seachelle said:

Sad for the kid to be living in that environment.  

I know! Here she is supposedly learning how to follow the rules to get along in the world, and she has this going on. She was standing on the side of their car when I talked to her mother about parking in front of my garage. Her mother was on the far side, but the girl was on the side towards me and looked like she was frozen stiff, and looking me like I was a monster, the neighbor who has been chatting with her and giving her things since she was four. 

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

He's going after you with his car, missing you by a foot, and YOU'RE the aggressive one?  Have you even got their phone number?  So many people aren't listed because they use cell phones.

I thought the same thing...incense is often used to mask drugs.

I do have their home phone number. I have called them a few times, but sometimes the music is so loud I doubt if they could hear it - they could barely hear me when I walked over and was banging on the door. But now they have finally spoken their preference and I will call them.

I'm not sure why driving around after a pedestrian in a car is ok. I was telling this to the cop and I thought it was assault - as in threatening someone, but I think he was focused on was my comments about videotaping me while taunting me verbally. After I walked over to his car to explain that I had been trying hard for years to work with him and be flexible was when he got really crazy, yelling at me to stay away from and lurching the car back and forth like in little K-turns and almost hit me. having dodged all of that, I walked about 40 feet away to where my dad's car was parked and he followed me in his car, trying to provoke me with the taunting and phone stuff.

Right now they are spraying my back patio by shooting their hose over the privacy wall in between. I took pictures of the wet patio. The were actually spraying my door with their hose, which would have gone through the screen had I not closed the sliding glass door midway through the spraying. I'm going to ceramics class all day today. Hopefully there are no further problems. I guess if there are I should call the police back.

[MartyT]

It seems to me, Laura, that other than telephone contact and working through your property manager, you are wise to keep your distance from these neighbors. Clearly you're not going to change their behavior, and confronting them only seems to lead to more conflict, which could be dangerous for you.

[Clematis]

It's true - they are trying vey hard to provoke me. That's what he was doing in his car when he was following me around in his car taking videos of me and taunting, "What are you going to do now, Laura? What are you going to do now?" And he came close to hitting me with his car. I do think they are dangerous and they are also facile liars. They behave like criminals, doing whatever they want and figuring they will always win with a person who is following the rules and telling the truth. And they are right - I am no match for them and have more to lose. But I think Maureen is likely to become more and more eager to get them out of here.

[Annie0707]

Hi Clematis, I have read your initial post here but not read all of the comments. I too once had a neighbour who was very irritating, I'll spare the details as I do not wish to attract any of the situation again as I believe thoughts create things, anyway I kindly asked her not to come to my home but it continued, I calmly sat one evening and sent her love... Yes love, and planted the seed of her moving within huge year with a thought, I imagined it being the best thing for her, and sealed my thought with pink light, approx a month later she came and told us she decided to move. And within the year she was gone. 

plant seeds of love no matter how hard it may seem. 

Focus your thoughts on what you wish to attract for our perspective is what becomes our reality.

 

hugs 

[kayc]

Laura, keep a written log of everything they say and do, including dates, times, any witnesses, related pictures.  They are evil.

[Clematis]

16 hours ago, Annie0707 said:

plant seeds of love no matter how hard it may seem. 

Focus your thoughts on what you wish to attract for our perspective is what becomes our reality.

I agree with you - love is wonderful and I love pink, but 3-1/2 years of me doing nothing but being very positive toward them, helping them, and looking the other way while they constantly broke the rules yielded me neighbors who became openly hostile as soon as I asked anything of them -to turn down music that was giving me a headache on a daily basis. I don't think I am responsible for him using his car to intimidate me and almost hit me. I do feel for their little girl. They have tried very hard to be good parents to her, but their behavior is likely to cause them all to lose their home. I am doing my best to stay out of harm's way.

I had a neighbor once before who was really awful and I couldn't wait for an eviction process or anything else because I was afraid for my life. I went to the landlord to tell him I was leaving, he pointed out that I had a lease, but when I told him what was going on with this bonafide psychopath, he agreed that I should leave. I don't think he wanted a dead girl instead of a tenant.

Now, I can't just move out because I own my condo. I suspect that some kind of immediate action needs to me taken - but not by me.

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Laura, keep a written log of everything they say and do, including dates, times, any witnesses, related pictures.  They are evil.

Thanks, Kay - I am doing that and hoping for the best. I looked online and found this about AZ state law: "You may serve a notice for immediate termination based upon irreparable and material breach i.e. (but not limited to) illegal discharge of a weapon, threatening or intimidating, assault, serious property damage and/or other criminal activity." 

When Maureen heard what Adam said to me and to her about refusing to comply with the HOA rules, she went immediately to her office and called the property management people to get going on eviction. She has spent the past 20 years working to make this a nice development, not to have this kind of thing going on - the police being called, a tenant using his car to intimidate another resident and all of that, after years of being a continual rule-breaker.

[Clematis]

I talked to my friend who is a psychiatrist about this. She was alarmed and said, "well, they're sociopaths". I thought about it and realized she was right - I just never thought about it like that and I'm not sure why. After all I am the one who worked as a probation officer, worked at a prison in mental health for five years, did my graduate thesis on the topic, and have had a lot of personal experience - my former brother in law, a previous neighbor, and so on. I suppose on some level I really didn't want to think about it and just worked hard at ignoring their misdeeds, getting along, and even covering for them...huh!

[Clematis]

My neighbors were gone for part of the weekend and they came back as quietly and unobtrusively as little mice. They frequently go stay with family nearby on weekends. Maybe someone talked some sense into them - like it's not worth starting a war and being evicted just because they got annoyed about being asked to turn down their music. I'm hopeful...

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Clematis said:

She was alarmed and said, "well, they're sociopaths".

It certainly seems that way.  I would not trust them.  It sounds like the calm before the storm, but then I've seen sociopaths in action...people to not be around.  I certainly hope the eviction process goes through!  My experience with people is past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

[Clematis]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

It certainly seems that way.  I would not trust them.  It sounds like the calm before the storm, but then I've seen sociopaths in action...people to not be around.  I certainly hope the eviction process goes through!  My experience with people is past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

I know what you mean, Kay, and I think you're absolutely right. Saturday night and Sunday I was feeling relieved, but this morning I woke up feeling afraid and not sure why. Heck-it's been three whole days since any open aggression like trying to spray their hose into my house or run me down in their car. What kind of goofy thinking is that? I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of what they will do next or afraid they won't be evicted.  Maureen the property manager works a four-day week and won't be back until Tuesday. I'll have a chat with her.

For now I'm enjoying the quiet - three days of quiet has done wonders for my headaches!

[Clematis]

I talked to Maureen and she said I should be patient - the property management company is working with an attorney on the eviction so that everything is done exactly as it should be done. Apparently there was already some history already and they are wary of these people and want to make sure there are no problems. 

[Clematis]

Mister Cello and I are getting a little break from the sociopathic neighbors, camping at a bluegrass festival 

[Clematis]

My pictures don't seem to have shown up...or maybe they just don't show on my phone

[kayc]

No pictures here.