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  3. I'm so emotional right now. My feeling of excruciating pain is so intense. I feel so alone. I have lost my husband/ best friend and business partner all in one. I have lost my career. I wish I had taken better care of him. Since that day my life has been crushed. I bath myself in scriptures, but I just can't stand this emptiness / loneliness, the pain is horrendous. I cry and cry. I miss him so much.
  4. Yep. That would be just my luck. Hands burned off or something, but congrats- you're alive
  5. I wouldn’t say it was horrible because I get not wanting to go on. But I see how grief warps our rational thinking. I’ve been there too and had to play out I might survive an even worse life.
  6. Kieron, I did a quick search, apparently the emotion of worry is associated with the solar plexus. It makes sense for me, I’ve felt worried about different aspects of my future since my late husband died, then add the pandemic on top of that. It’s hard to feel settled. I’ve used EMDR for past traumas, it was the vibrating hand paddles that I tried, helped to process unwanted or reoccurring memories. It was very effective. Don’t think it’s a modality that fits my current scenario though. I’ve researched EFT for a friend a few years back, doesn’t seem like it’s something I could buy into. T
  7. I think the battery is just old. I drive the van maybe twice a year. Once for gas, once for an oil change. The battery tender sounds like a device I would have to find a place for to charge. Can’t think of anywhere I could get to easily, plus I can’t open the hood anymore. It’s just another way I’ve lost independence from being old and an aging body to reinforce it. I know someone older who is go to go. Slower than in her youth but runs circles around me. I just filled my morning pill boxes, hung up a shirt, carried a bit of trash to the kitchen, threw Mel’s ball a couple times and tak
  8. Yeah, I don't know. I will have to ask him and know for sure if its just him or him and his son or... But, I know he's in no position to deal with my grief- nobody is except the people here. I always get the feeling that my family thinks I should just be hunky dory now and that I'm just a "Mr. Crabby Pants" because I got up on the wrong side of the bed. My whole life is the wrong side of the bed. The depression I feel now is very debilitating. Some mobile home inspection service was doing free look-sees around today, and they smelled gas coming from the hot water heater. The gas company
  9. You could talk to your friend prior to getting together and explain how you feel. That you’re concerned about how you’ll feel and how it would affect them. See what he says. I’ve found good friends, when I had them, accept us as we are. You said you 'should' do it. Maybe have that conversation with yourself first. Should implies you’re not really into it. Or pressuring yourself. That will just make it worse. When I say 'should', it’s inevitably followed by a 'but.....'. That tells me I really don’t want to do it. Just my take, your mileage may vary, as they say. I also get
  10. Always good to run this by your doc too. Wouldn’t want to miss something else. Most likely grief, anticipation and stress. It does have to have an outlet. I know my body is very sensitive since this happened. Have more headaches, muscle aches, etc. from being tense or whatever bad emotion decides to land in me that day. I have actual maladies, but some that I know are emotionally driven. They are just as painful. I carry the emotional weight in my chest too. Sometimes the muscles, sometimes my stomach. I have felt what Kieron said about my arms too, felt very weak for no reason excep
  11. Absolutely no offense intended, but there has got to be some other way to describe this. I am so worn out on the 'new normal' thing. There is not one single thing thing that I can remotely call normal in my life anymore or how I’ve changed. The things I do that still appear and are what I did don’t feel the same. I can only use the word pertaining to reactions or thoughts because of the loss. But as a whole? Maybe this is just a useless pursuit. All I know is before he left, life was normal. I have no idea what this is. I’ve had 6 years and it’s still not in my description of this exi
  12. Anything you’re feeling is normal, James. And yes, I not only remember it well about no point to go on, I still feel it every time I wake up. Sometimes even before. I don’t want to be single, but I only want him.
  13. it's a heavy feeling, James. I remember it well. 💖
  14. The last few days after the first year mark have been the darkest I've had since it happened. I would ask if this is "normal", but every journey is different. It's hard to reconcile that my life is probably destined to be sad and lonely. I hate being "single". It is miserable and a pointless existence to me. How do you get used to being a one person team member? I hate that I think about another companion, but what can I do but have hope for a miracle. I hate the thought that I'm just waiting to die. If there's nothing to look forward to, there's no point in going on.
  15. Very true the it's like your brain goes into overdrive thinking of the day coming knowing it a day that just really sucks, then it takes a few days to get back to what is your new normal hugs to all
  16. And little did I know looking at this picture that the black in his pupils was him going blind at the time. Now I look back at my old pictures and see the dramatic difference - something I'll always now notice in cat's eyes. 😥
  17. Thank you kayc, he is beautiful (still can't say was or anything past tense because to me he is still here in my heart). People always told me how great he looks for 18. He did look healthy up until the last couple days and then I guess he just couldn't hide it anymore. 😿 His vet had said to me on that horrific day "his body is just shutting down". And thanks this has definitely been a hard process for sure.
  18. Good organization! I hope it really helps you, as I think it will! I'm glad they have one nearby. NONE of us knew what we were doing as we entered this strange world of grief, all of us in shock, scared, overwhelmed, didn't know where to start...one day at a time. We find our way.
  19. EFT EFT in Grief also: EMDR Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief Physical Reactions to Loss
  20. I'm glad, it always feels good to me to have another one behind me, the anticipation is harder I think.
  21. Wow, beautiful! Looks in perfect health here! We never know...animals can be stoic and hide what's going on inside of them, part of their survival instinct so as not to become prey. I'm sorry, I know how hard this process is.
  22. One day at a time. I've had to learn to ride the waves with grief, even anticipatory. I was closer to my MIL than my mom as my mom was mentally ill and abusive, but my MIL was the mom I'd always wanted and my best friend. I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer. It was hard but it was also a very special time too. Back then there was no internet and I had children age 1-3 & 3-5 during that time, running two households, cooking for guests, cleaning both homes, etc. This can be a special time even while taxing.
  23. You could run a search engine for the term "solar plexus" and "metaphysical" or "meaning" or something similar, and see what you find. Take what resonates, leave the rest. 🙂 As for stuck emotions, there is a system called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) out there that you can learn about. There are some studies and findings with empirical evidence that it can work, including on combat veterans with PTSD, but it depends on your outlook. I never really got into it but I know someone who swears by it.
  24. Welcome, and sorry you have experienced this unexpected and unwanted turn of life. it's okay to not know what you're doing. This is definitely the time of feeling overwhelmed, scared, unsure, etc. It sounds like you are taking sensible steps of finding support, which will help in some ways, but as others have said, there are some steps that no one else can take for us. But we're here for you. ❤️
  25. Thank you both for reaching out to me. It means so much, that I am not alone. There are others who know how/ what I'm feeling. I pray, read every day. I started going to a grieving group called "Grief Share" (GrieveShare.org) close to my home. I went to my 2nd meeting last night. I needed to find a place I could go learn, vent and be with other adults. I pray to God to give me guidance each day. Because I feel I don't know what I'm doing. It is so overwhelming and I am scared.
  26. Well I made it through another anniversary I never wanted it just never gets easier to deal with today time to go to sleep shut down my brain and get up and face and start to survive another year hugs to all
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