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  1. Today
  2. We had a patient once that we just got her blood pressure under control and the company notified us that they were no longer going to pay for it. This went on for 2 more times in 6 mos. How are the doctors suppose to do the best for their patients when they tie their hands all the time. If it ain't broke don't fix it. The same things with precerts for certain radiology tests. Do some jump to do them before trying a more conservative treatment first? Yes and I want to scream, you know they aren't going to do this without x,y.and z. Are there other times when it should be perfectly plain that the pt needs this. Yes, so don't give me a bunch of trouble. Maybe someday they'll get this all figured out. I'm sorry so many of you are going through all of this. Just keep advocating for yourselves.
  3. Jen, Hope you listen to this and know that no matter how sad and despondent we are there is hope.
  4. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I am heartsick. I made the 100 mile round trip to get Jackson, a Terrier/Schnauzer. He is everything on my list, he's 20+ lbs, adorable, he can smile, he's playful and likes to walk. But he's bitten me four times and bared his teeth at me...and I've only had him 2 1/2 hours. I cannot take care of a dog that bites me for everything, I can't have him around my grandkids and am scared to leave my cat alone with him. They didn't warn me that he is vicious. One of the bites is all the way to the bone and there's no doctor nearby. I cleaned and dressed it, at least he has his shots. Now I have to figure out how to get him back to them this week, sooner better than later. It's a horrible feeling, I've never returned an animal, but then none of my dogs has bitten for any reason. I'm choosing to think of this as a "visit" rather than an adoption, it helps because I know I'm going to have to let him go. He met all my criteria...if it weren't for the biting. I think it may be a while before I think of doing this again.
  5. Yesterday
  6. Dump the doc. There has to be another doctor more understanding and sympathetic in your area. Can you call your health insurance carrier or managed care organization/company and ask for a referral? If you are hospitalized, you have the right to ask for a social worker or patient advocate or other hospital representative to meet with you and discuss your options. You don't have to go through this alone.
  7. So sorry about the anniversary, Kay. You, too, Joyce. 💔 Insurance companies so scare me now. They hold the purse strings and know it. I’m sure there are doctors that prescribe meds that aren’t the cheapest, but they aren’t paid to know that. They are to find what help the patient. My doc got calls too. Pressure to change some and his response WAS I am the doctor!
  8. Not good for you, Lynda. Not good at all. Please read the following ~ and consider finding another doctor: Mixing Grief With Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction? Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?
  9. My heart goes out to you Kay on your anniversary day. Mine is coming up soon, next week, going to be hard. Sending hugs and stay safe on your drive.
  10. I have been self medicating as well, I have not been a drinker but I am forcing wine and spirits down my throat to ease the pain, I ended up in the hospital twice because of it. My dr is not sympathetic and refuses to give me anxiety medication which would help a lot
  11. I feel so lost everyday, December 2018 we found out we were pregnant on my husband's birthday, we were so happy we cried so much, we quickly started planning for our little one, Baby G. In mid-January we found out our little ones heart was no longer beating, we didn't want a procedure & we had a miscarriage on February 07, 2019, we were heartbroken. A few short months later we found out I was pregnant again with our son Benjamin. We were so happy & so scared, afraid of losing him too. We finally made it to the "safe zone", second trimester. We were house hunting for a better neighborhood for my son. Received gifts for him at his gender reveal party. Planning our lives with him. The weekend we were supposed to look for furniture for his room, I started having bad cramps then bleeding, we arrived at the hospital praying to God, begging Him that our worst fear was not happening. I was admitted into labor & delivery & was told I would be delivering our son that night at just 19 weeks pregnant. We were incredibly heart broken & cried for hours. Our son was born at 8:07 the next morning with a beating heart. We got to hold him & kiss him & be with him for a day & a half. We were so happy to see our boy, and so heartbroken at the same time. Our dreams, our future was shattered. Having to hand our son over to the lady from the funeral home was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. My sweet Benjamin went home on September 09, 2019 to join his older sibling Baby G. I've never felt so heartbroken & so lost. I wake up wishing God would've just taken me with him. Or praying that He takes me now because I have no interest in living without my beautiful boy, without my babies. I don't want to live without my baby boy. People have told me I need to "try to move forward" &/or "choose to live"...I have no clue how I would begin to do that when I'm crying, aching to be with my sweet beautiful Benjamin everyday. How am I supposed to "choose to live" without my greatest love...
  12. Hi, I don't know where to start either...have never posted or been in the position of loosing someone close. I just lost my big brother also, though he was older (57 yrs) he was WAY to young to die. We are a year apart. He died on July 14th, & I watched him go, it was devastating. The weird thing is, it was 3 months ago, & it feels like yesterday. I was thinking just this morning, I feel like my life is FOREVER changed, & I'm NOT ready. I have to march forward, & if I turn around I will be met with a glass wall that I can't break through. I can see my life and all that was, but I can't go there ANY MORE. I'm forced to go the opposite direction. Life is pushing me to walk forward, but I feel like I'm sitting up against that glass wall and refusing to move. When will I stand up and walk forward and leave him and my old life behind? All I do when I think about him, is shake my head, I just can't accept it. So, I FEEL your pain. This is, by far, the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with. You have my deepest sympathy. You said that you lost your Dad 3 years ago, I can't even imagine that. Both of my parents are still alive (and working) but now seem to be changing. My mom is changing DRASTICALLY, she was working a food pantry, & a lot of church work, & my Dad runs a saw mill. What now? I don't know what to expect from all of this...they are going to give up? I'm wondering when you lost your brother? I think what you are dealing is WAY worse because it sounds sudden. Sudden death has to be a "different animal," so to speak because you are not expecting it obviously. When you are taken by surprise like that, I can't imagine the impact. I hope I never know, but who knows what we will have to deal with. This is life? We are forced. It's annihilating. I hope you don't write back and say that your brother died 3 years ago. I wish I knew what to say to you to make you feel better, but I haven't found a way. Brothers are great aren't they? Kind of a care taker, trying to show you the right way to look at things, gentle, & kind. Too kind honestly, my brother was. He was too kind. Anyway. Maybe when you have a bad day, just write about it. I will be your sounding board, or try to? Take Care of yourself.
  13. Today would have been our 18th anniversary. It's pouring rain like no get out and I have to go to Springfield in this, hoping for no slides on the highway. Hardly slept last night for anxiety. Gwen, I hear you...got a letter from my health insurance, wants me to "go over my medicines with them", have done this time and again, why do they think I have a doctor? Blood pressure Rx in question I've been on for YEARS, it's working, why change it?! Side effects they list I don't have. Threw their stupid letter away. They apparently have a problem with one of my diabetic Rxs too but my doctor says it's safer than the other one people use, I wish they'd leave the doctoring to her.
  14. Satchel, I am so sorry. Your feelings are understandable, you've always looked out for her, been there and feel like you should have been able to save her...but sometimes it's not within our power to. I recently lost my dog who was my companion for 10 1/2 years, I lost my husband previously, and when I found out my dog had inoperable cancer, all I could do was try to get him to eat and make him as comfortable as possible...but I felt like I should have known sooner, even though the vets didn't catch it during his physical not long before that. We put responsibility on ourselves when we don't have the medical training and can't be expected to know, nor can we stop some things just because we don't want them. I'm sure you were a good sister to her all these years, and that is what she would remember. I lost my sister 1 1/2 years ago even though I fought for her...she was quadriplegic and the blankety-blank government was going to move her to a different foster care right before the holidays, I said NO and they threatened to kick her off medical insurance and I said, go ahead, you're not moving her from the best home she's ever known. (They didn't kick her off insurance, I reported the person and went above her head). She died of pneumonia within months, they wouldn't admit her to the hospital. At least she got to be with the people she loved, but honestly it makes me so mad that they just gave up on her and wouldn't do anything about her, because she was quadriplegic and they didn't figure her life counted? IDK, it's all so hard. I hope this article helps you as much as it did me: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
  15. It never ends! Saw a partner of my docs and he prescribed a medication that can interact with my little pharmacy. I just sat and cried in his office. I picked them up on the way home but adding to my interactive app, I don’t know how I will take it. Just take a chance I could faint from dizziness? The damage that would do and no one here. I did get my heart echo results and they looked good. Steves music buddy was by and he brought up the anniversary of his leaving was coming up. Meaning well, he pointed out all the bad days in 3 months and that I get them over with. Half I wish were other times of the year like our birthdays and wedding anniversary. The holidays themselves are hard enough. This is the slide into real darkness for me. The weather is bleak too. The rain used to be cozy together. Now it’s just bitter and cold. Harder to take all the holiday buzz and Halloween hasn’t even happened yet. I’m sorry for just rambling and being repetitive. I hated the isolation beforebut even more now that it is being forced on me. I deliberately avoided another call from my cousin in NM and feel awful about it. But I wanted to take a quick nap like always before dinner. My schedule is the only thing I have control of. Everything around me sweep me up in its twists and my flexibility is long gone. It left with Steve. And it’s another weekend. People with their plans with partners having waited all week for time together. What really sucks was some nice things happened today too, but there was no one to share them with. That spark they brought for that instant just died away. The 29th is coming too quickly. 5 years and less understanding from outsiders. It’s like having an ace up your sleeve you can’t play anymore because they are over it. Has anyone else noticed that saying how long it’s been brings looks that something is wrong with you? No one wants to hear it anymore. I don’t blame them. It has less credibility as the time passes. The skin hunger is so intense, tho. I don’t even know if I know how to be close with another human being. If Steve appeared, I’m not sure I’d know what to do, I’ve been so untouched and touched no one in so long.
  16. I lost my 46 year old sister, Peggy, two weeks ago and I feel like I am standing in the middle of a dessert and all I see is nothingness. My sister was 9 years older than myself and autistic. I was protective of her from the beginning and always understood that when the unfortunate time came when my parents were no longer with us that it would be my job to care for her. This was reinforced when my father passed away years ago. I was forced to move back home to help care for my sister and my mom who has some health issues of her own. Two weeks ago my sister got the flu. Four days later something seemed off and an ambulance was called. The next 40 hours was a whirl wind. It went from she was dehydrated to she is in kidney failure to she needs to be air lifted to a bigger hospital to you need to decide do we let her go or try treatments that probably wont help to her being gone. Now i feel like I lost my best friend; blaming myself as I should have saw signs of a problem sooner and got her help; feeling guilty for deciding to let her go; feeling like I should be a stronger daughter for my mom; feeling like I dont know what my life looks like; feeling like it should have been me and not her because she was so innocent to the world. I don't know where I am suppose to go from here or even what the first step is.
  17. Last week
  18. Marg: Love, love this photo. Speaks loudly of the man you love. Peaceful and beautiful. Dee
  19. Gwen: Luv u Back and still hoping things will change for you SOON. Dee
  20. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister...I lost mine 1 1/2 years ago. I had a dog with cancer in the brain and it did cause him to act out of character, so I'm sure the anger was related to the cancer, especially as she saw her life being robbed. I hope you are able to let go of taking it personally and remember who she was as a whole, over the course of her lifetime instead of just the recent years. I recently lost (another) dog to cancer and watching him go downhill bit by bit was horrible. He was suffering so I had him euthanized, the hardest decision I ever made. I also had a MIL that had cancer, she was bedridden with it for three years and I was her daytime caregiver, my FIL had the night shift. Watching her go bit by bit was incredibly hard. I can't imagine this NOT affecting them emotionally, mentally, in every way. I'm sorry you couldn't get through to the suicide hotline, perhaps you could try a different time of day. Nights/weekends are the hardest for people so they might be the busiest also. I'm sorry that is your experience. All of our friends disappeared on me when my husband died. People said stupid things. No, they don't get it unless they've been through it and even then grief is as individual as our unique relationships.
  21. kayc

    Living with Loss

    My Arlie, I love you and miss you so much. It's so hard to get used to living without you. I clean off your grave and know your sweet body lays below it, it seems so unreal. I wish to kiss your sweet face again, to hold you, to watch your ever present smile. There is no dog like you, you were wonderful to live with, a wonderful companion. You brought joy in my life, the greetings you gave me when I'd come home! I loved your excited squeal. You are one in a trillion, that is for sure. The perfect roommate. I live for the day I can be with you again. I hope the naysayers are wrong...I just can't help but feel God is too smart to waste such a precious spirit, you are His greatest gift to me. I love dogs, but you are tops.
  22. I would be so annoyed! It's 100+ mile round trip every time I get blood drawn or see a doctor, anything but handy! And I know it's hard for you to be out. I hope they do it right this weekend!
  23. Lynda, When I lost my George (we knew each other 6 1/2 years, only married 3 years 8 months) my big joy was gone. I look for what I call the "little joys", nothing too small to count, it can be anything, a stranger letting you merge in traffic (a miracle), an unexpected check, a call from my sister, getting together with friends...I have learned not to compare what is to what was, comparisons are real joy-killers. It takes practice. I was in utter shock in the beginning, never in my life expected him to die right after his 51st birthday. My heart goes out to you in our loss, this is something none of us would wish on anyone. Little by little we learn to adjust and cope but I don't think our married friends have a clue what this is like. He was my world, we were best friends, lovers, everything to each other. I realize these little things may not seem joyous to you, but I've learned to embrace anything good and not disregard it, I've learned to live in the present and take one day at a time, it has helped tremendously.
  24. Had my heart echo yesterday. It was torture and the tech seemed a bit put out that I had trouble moving like he wanted. I can’t be the only person unable to nimbly move around. I hated seeing and hearing my heart but couldn’t escape it. I could barely walk today from the contortions. It was a shower night so I got thru it I cancelled the scan today that was almost 3 hours. I physically can’t do it and mentally I am so burned out I feel I’m going insane. Supposed to see my doc tomorrow to discuss all this. I’m so burned out by the medical crap I am neglecting attention my dogs need and even hurried off the phone from my cousin who’s in the hospital in New Mexico. I just have nothing to give. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I just called the lab as I had blood drawn for my thyroid and B12 level. I need that level as it is how I gauge how often to give myself injections. The tech didn’t run it and even tho they have the blood, that test has to be done within 24 hours. So now I get to limp back in there over the weekend. (I’m not paying 5 bucks to park again and it’s free on sat and sun). Handicap spots at a big hospital are not really very close like at stores. I just want to cry as I don’t undestand why these things keep happening to me, yes, mistakes happen, but every time I turn around I run into more. I never had these kind of problems in the past one after another. I dread every time I have to deal with the medical community now. Flinch when they call or I see a message on my machine when I get home. Sorry for the pity party again. I wish my big guy was here. I would then be angry which feels much better than this cold loneliness. ❤️ You guys!
  25. I’m really glad I found this forum. My younger sister died June first of cancer. She turned 53 ten days before she died. I’m 55. It’s really hard. She started getting really angry the last few years. She didn’t even know she had cancer until a few months before she died. She had multiple myeloma which cannot affect your brain. She got so angry at me and was so cruel to me that we weren’t speaking for about 6 months before she died. I have no way of knowing if it was the cancer in her brain or not. No one can tell me. I just can’t believe she’s really dead. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to live since she was younger than me. My brother is really messed up and he just keeps yelling at me and insulting everything I do and say. He has always done that. But I can’t take it anymore. I just called the suicide hotline but there was this annoying jazz music and the woman came on every ten seconds to tell you to hold on. So then I tried the text line and there were 50 people in front of me. it’s true what someone said that everyone just wants you to get over it when your grieving. It just seems like no one gets it or cares.
  26. My family uses it mostly to keep in touch with each other at night. I have been known to get into political squabbles but since I don't understand politics (oh gosh, sorry I said that word), all I do is pick the splinters out of riding the middle. And, I keep up with classmates and people I used to work with as far away as Kansas now. Some of my friends who just lost their husband are having a hard time and thanks to this forum, I am able to tell them nothing they feel is wrong, we all walk different paths. But one begs her friends to understand her and I understand her and a lot more do also, but she wants people around. I don't. I have plenty. Her kids are no where close. All any of us can do is help hold each other up. Sometimes the scar tissue is thin, sometimes it is gone, but I worry about my two grown children mostly. That's enough, this has been a long day. It's okay to be grumpy, anytime you want to.
  27. Sometimes I feel I have accepted this too much, if that makes any sense. I don’t have a belief in God nor any children or family to help spur some motivation for another path. I am just getting old alone. After 5 years I actually feel worse as my body breaks down and no one to talk and share this journey with. I don’t know if I thought I would see Steve again. I miss being a wife. I miss having a husband/friend. I miss that unique love. Knowing it wil not happen again, more so...with him, is making life a challenge to appreciate on any level. I’m glad you have found purpose again. I know you will never stop grieving your partner. I’m still searching for reasons to keep going as so much keeps being taken away at this stage of life. Someone tonshare thatvwith would make it less isolating and cold. Maybe someday I’ll find some new ink and paper, but I’m still waiting for an inner nudge.
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