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  2. Katie, Sending my love and warm hugs over the miles to you, also. I hope you are able to find some comfort in the grief group. Do not be afraid. They are lost and hurting, just as you are at the moment.
  3. Kate: You have gone through so much in your young life. I can't begin to imagine what you must feel. I do know, right now is try not to think about tomorrow or next week. Just get through the next minute, then the day will take care of itself. One Day at a Time. Please know you are in my thoughts and I pray for the strength you have inside of you. Dee
  4. Today
  5. Don't give up Kate. Your 3 children need you and you need them. We are holding you in our prayers.
  6. Marg, thank you for your sweet words and calling me Katie-girl is the sweetest. ♥️ I feel so loved by EVERYONE here.
  7. Yesterday
  8. And please a hug from me too. Please listen to Marita. We cannot sit with you in your house, we all would be with you if we could. Katie-girl, you have all our hearts and we would all be sitting with you if we could.
  9. Widowedbysuicide

    My Allen

    Katie, Right now I'm here to help hold you up and offer my support. Don't worry about sending me an email. As long as you post somewhere that you are ok or ok but need help I will be happy. Let your friend help you and take the time you need. Ask her to give you a hug from me. ❤️
  10. Thank you Marita. I’ve taken your words to heart. I believe you are brave too. I don’t want you to lock yourself in a box. I think of you all the time. I should email more. I will work on that. ♥️ And hugs. I have my best friend with me. I just don’t want Caleb and Ryan to see me this upset and down. Though Caleb is old enough to understand.
  11. Widowedbysuicide

    How do you survive the suicide of your lifelong love?

    I know I started this thread about me but if those of you who have journeyed here with me could offer Katie some similar support it would mean alot to me and I think it would help her.
  12. Widowedbysuicide

    My Allen

    I know how difficult these moments are. If you can try to refocus on just now. Just breathe and let the tears flow. Is someone there with you? I hope so. This is too hard of a time to be alone. Life will go on one moment at a time. It won't be the life you and Allen planned. You are a great mom and a wonderful person and the life you will give your children is the best life they could have. As they are older you will be able to tell them the love story of you and Allen. You can share with them what a great dad he was and wanted to be. No one else can do that for them with the love and honesty you can. If you need help to go to the group therapy ask someone to drive you. If you aren't sure you are strong enough that is normal and it's ok. Ask if someone might be able to go with you if you think that would help. Right now you have to focus on looking after yourself so that you are well enough to look after the boys and to carry your darling daughter. You are important to many people in this world. Each one who cares for you wants to fix what can't be fixed. But if you can teach them to hold your hand and listen to you I think you will feel better. We all need people to care about and to have care about us. Don't be like me and lock yourself in a box where no one can see your pain. Reach out ❤️ Katie you are strong and brave. I don't think there is anyone that I have heard of that has gone through all of what you have. You are still here with the boys for a reason. They need you and you need them. Take care my 'chosen little sister'. You mean so much to do many.
  13. Widowedbysuicide

    My Allen

    Don't give up Katie. All you need to worry about is the moment you are in. Let the rest of 'time' be a blur.
  14. Today is the worst day as of yet. I just don’t want to keep going. I am without my other half. I had to let the boys go to my parents today as I need to work through this feeling of not being able to go on. I am starting a grief and loss group tomorrow. I’m scared to go. But I promised my therapist I would give it a try. I can’t imagine the rest of life without my love. I guess life will go on. But I just don’t see how. 😞
  15. Widowedbysuicide

    A gift.

    Breathing is a big coping skill for me. Our brains and body need oxygen to work well so the shallow breathing or holding your breath deprives us of what we need. I need to have visual reminders to breathe deeply, stickers or special items in places around my home or the car help. Music can help some people cope. Meditation cd's or tapes help me.
  16. Time is warped when we are grieving. I remember feeling like that too, now it just feels like forever ago, it's been so long, it almost feels like I dreamed him up, it's hard to believe he used to hold me...a lifetime ago. Time doesn't stand still for any of us. I know it is hard but I'm glad you have the kids to keep going for.
  17. Can you share them with us?
  18. Oh Katie, that is beautiful, and I feel that about you too...I would frame it and keep it to look at whenever I'm not feeling so brave. Just getting up every day is bravery!
  19. Will be thinking of you on Thursday, Darrell, I know how we are with them on their birthdays, in spirit and in heart, but then we are every day of the year.
  20. I hear ya there! I don't know about that, but it was drummed into me so much I still don't go there.
  21. Everything KayC has stated here, I second. It is up to you to decide how long you're willing to be put on hold. It is unfair of him to expect you to wait around for him, and you can't be waiting idly for long, we aren't designed that way and as KayC said, it will only cause resentment.
  22. I feel that too, we are an extended family here. We DO care about each other, I just wish we weren't physically spread out so far so we could be of tangible help besides just emotional support. I hope when you're off the antibiotics you start feeling better, I hate antibiotics, they accomplish what they set out to but the side effects are awful and it takes so long to build our body's immunities back. I hope you're on good probiotics. I do think it'll do you good to get back home with your babies, they not only need us, Lord knows how much we need them! As for the volunteering, I'm sure there's plenty of residents there with oxygen so I don't see how that would prohibit you being there, the only thing is, will it inhibit your getting around, will you have a pack strapped to you or will it be a mobile unit on wheels? It might slow you down, but I guess it depends on how big the unit is. My sister Donna had one but she was already in a wheelchair so it didn't make much difference, but now Peggy will have one too...although she didn't get around a whole lot before, but I imagine it will get in her way trying to cook, etc. Not sure how that will work, if she'll have to take it off to cook? I know when Donna went outside to smoke we always had to remove the oxygen unit first. Hoping things get better for you soon.
  23. Mitch, Everything you wrote is what I could have wrote, why a man so caring and full of zest for life had to be taken from me when he just had his 51st birthday...why he couldn't be here to know our grandchildren, retire together, go through all of life together. I used to ask why, I never got an answer, only silence. But the pain, the aching, it goes on, it doesn't stop. Ana, I used to commute 100 miles a day, I know what it is to be alone in your thoughts, they don't turn off...and now that I'm retired and when I am home, always alone with my thoughts, they still don't turn off.
  24. Brooke, you need to take cues from him. You can be there for him if he still wants you to, but you do need to still maintain yourself, your hobbies and your life. If he asks for space or time alone, give it to him. Don't be at his beck and call and don't let yourself get caught up and swallowed by his grief. Now, I am not saying this is a guarantee that your relationship will ever be normal again, or that its a fool proof way to get him to stick around if he doesn't want to. But, you need to understand that even though you had a relationship with his mother too and may be experiencing grief from that, it doesn't mean you can do anything for his grief. Do not try to fix or save him, all you can do is be there for him if he asks. We all experience grief differently as you can see by reading stories here. Some can maintain their relationships, while others cannot. If you feel he is pulling away, think of it like a rubber band, do not create slack by trying to move in closer to him as it may cause him to stray further. As I said, take cues from him and let him sort himself out while maintaining yourself and going about your life as normal. Be there for him when he asks, but DO NOT allow yourself to get swallowed in his feelings. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. If he comes back to you in time, you need to have the necessary conversation and address this behavior in order to move forward, if he does not come back, then it was a deliberate choice on his part. Do not give away your power. I know its hard because I have been on both sides of this coin and it is gut wrenching to sit there and watch the person you love act this way while you stand by helplessly. If he were falling into a hole and you reached out your hand to help, he still wouldn't take it. All you can do is stop yourself from falling into the hole with him. He has chosen to deal in his own way, and you need to respect that. He will eventually come to terms with it, but he needs to do that for himself and learn to live with this loss. He will do so on his own time, not yours. --Rae
  25. kayc

    I really miss Butch

    I feel that way too, Marita. I do still miss Butch, I was just thinking about him yesterday. I'd always hoped to meet him although the likelihood of that from CT to OR wasn't likely, but I cared about him and wished he hadn't made that decision, I think Allen would still be here if he hadn't set the stage the way he did. Such a wonderful family, it's very sad. Sometimes there's just too much heartbreak in this life.
  26. Brooke, I'm sorry you're going through this...I went through it too eight years ago, my fiance blindsided me by breaking up with me when he was caregiving his mother. 2-3 months later she died. A certain number of grievers feel they can't do a relationship at the same time they are grieving, all of their focus goes into their grief. They will let in friends and neighbors, but not their SO. I guess because with a relationship, they feel something is required from them but they just don't have it in them to give anything right then. We never did get back together, he doesn't trust himself not to hurt someone should something happen again, so he hasn't dated since. (we're older) We are good friends though, and I value his friendship, although I would not want to be with someone that would so easily throw me away for something beyond my control; I'd prefer to have someone who would go through thick and thin together in life. It would help if he would get professional grief counseling, you could suggest it to him, but only he can make that decision. About all you can do is be supportive from the sidelines. If he continues putting you on hold, only you can decide how long you will accept that and when enough is enough and move on. Going no contact protects your feelings for him and allows healing to come into play. You are already busying yourself and focusing on your own life and that is good. But each day that goes by and you don't hear from him, it allows resentment to come in and does damage to your relationship. You can try to be this big forgiving person, but we're human and that only lasts so long. Good luck to you, keep us updated.
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