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  1. Today
  2. We understand you Mitch. Last night in the subway I had a thought and a feeling, like real, that my boyfriend was in the subway too looking for me. Not his spirit, but his human body being. I was so sad because I knew it wasn't true. He died. He is not checking his mobile, listening to music and meeting me at the exit gate. For a minute it was true, the life that will NEVER be was real. never never never Commuting is one of the loneliest experience for people, I wonder what others were thinking at the same time.
  3. MartyT

    I really miss Butch

    Yes, Marita ~ Let this be our hope and our prayer. Amen. ❤️
  4. You are kind Gwen. I certainly hope your life will be improving soon.
  5. Widowedbysuicide

    I really miss Butch

    Today I am revisiting this thread because I do still miss Butch. I am praying that he and his heavenly family are watching over Katie, the darling to come and the boys. None of us will ever really know what caused Butch and Allen to leave the earth in the way they did but I know they loved their family here on earth. I hope they know they are not judged; that we here in this family are doing what we can to encourage, guide, and provide our loving support to Katie. And, I hope that they are able to help Katie during this very difficult time of grief.
  6. Widowedbysuicide

    It still hurts so bad

    Mitch I am sorry for your recent agony. Your love for Tammy is wonderful. I know you wish she could be here to share your love and to return it. I believe she knows you still love her. You write so clearly from your heart and it is truly awesome to read your love story. I don't believe the story is over. There has to be more to come. Selfishly I wish I could read or hear my husband tell me that he loves me. I will never stop loving him and remembering all of the great things we did together.
  7. Thank you, Marita. You are such a sweet, caring soul. I do talk to my counselor and only places I trust, like here. 💕
  8. Mitch, you are not alone in those project triggers. Those get me too. I want him to see them. We forget that so much of that pleasure of accomplishment was the sharing it. Now? Well, my dogs don’t really care and they’re the only ones around. Even a friend wouldn’t count anymore. It’s the nest we shared with them and how that changes would become a part of it and our journey together. I look at things I’ve changed and they are glaring. Why aren’t we looking at those changes and high fiving each other with them? I’m reminded in counseling to stop asking why and know myself it is a useless question, but how can we not? I’ve also had nights the agony has me literally screaming too. Timelines differ for each us, you and I are close in ours. We fortunately learn here we aren’t alone in this kind of pain, but each of us suffers alone.
  9. Mitch,. It really hurts, doesn't it? I miss Al so much and have not really succeeded in finding much meaning in my life. I try everyday to connect with people hoping I can make a difference somewhere, somehow. I am still married to Al. Oh, if we could only have our old life back. Gin
  10. My sweet Tammy... my perfect for me wife, died on March 6, 2015. And it didn't take me long to find Marty's forum. I needed help and I found some sense of understanding and comfort from members here. One of the first topics I started was called "It hurts so bad". My life wasn't much of a life at that point. It was 24/7 of agony followed by another 24 hours of figuring out if I even wanted to survive alone without the only person that made my life worth living. The only person who gave my life joy. Tammy was all I ever wanted and needed. Every day was a struggle to find a reason to go on. Trying to find meaning in my emptiness and trying to come to grips with the question that resonated in my mind... That word was repeated over and over in my head... Why? Why was Tammy, a woman filled with amazing courage and beauty and love, taken from this world at only 45 years old? Why did she have to suffer so much? Why wasn't my love enough to save her? And then there were the woulda, coulda, shouldas that played on my mind and gave me much daily angst. This life alone just hurt. How was it possible that Tammy was gone? Didn't we just come home from an extended hospital and rehab stay? She was on the mend or so we thought. A day and a half after coming home, she died. It's been 3 years and 5 months since that day that is forever etched in my soul. Three years and 5 months without holding or kissing or touching my dear Tammy. Yet somehow, I'm still here. Coping and functioning in a world without Tammy. I've done it by living my life with Tammy in my heart. Living my life in a way that would make Tammy proud. I still feel married to Tammy and always will. She was the only one for me. Today, I felt gut wrenching pain that rocked me to my core. Pain so deep it took my breath away and I could not stop crying. I had just finished a project in the kitchen... adding a backsplash. It's something I always wanted, but never got around to doing. I put up the last tile, and stepped back to check out the room. And it look good, I mean amazingly good. Probably the best home project I've ever done. And in that moment, gazing at my work, all I could think of was how much Tammy would have loved it. And then it hit me. That deep, mind numbingly intense grief burst. Hell, this wasn't a burst, it was more like an atom bomb. I screamed out for Tammy... over and over... at the top of my lungs. Somehow hoping my voice could be heard all the way to heaven. And that word came up again... Why? Why can't this all just have been some sort of maddening nightmare? Why can't Tammy come back so we can live our life the way it was meant to be? Why is this life so hard? The hurt never goes away. You adapt. You cope. You get through the day. But, when love is this deep and forever, the pain (in one form or another) will also linger forever. Nothing is easy in this life. But... I still get up everyday and I try my very best. And I will love my Tammy for all eternity. Mitch
  11. Gwen I hope you keep telling the staff and your therapist about your suicidal thoughts. All of us have had similar thoughts at different times in our lives but something has helped to crush the thoughts. I believe it is very difficult to break that kind of thinking on your own, particularly when you are so alone. I pray that this hospital stay will cause an improvement to your life and that you will find some joy on earth. ❤️ 🙏
  12. Widowedbysuicide

    My Allen

    ❤️ 🙏. You are in my thoughts and my heart.
  13. Widowedbysuicide

    A gift.

    That is really lovely Katie. You are brave. Allen was brave for quite a while too. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday in one moment and a lifetime ago in the next moment. It i still like that for me now. Fortunately I have learned some coping skills so the fluctuations aren't as difficult as they were. Every day is different. I'm just so sorry you have so many loved ones you are grieving. I believe that makes it much more devastating and difficult. Hugs and prayers 🙏 ❤️
  14. It’s been three weeks since my love died. Since he took his life. My dear friend shared this with me tonight. She thinks I’m brave. That gift means so much. I thought I’d share this with all of you because you are all brave too. I wish I let Allen know how brave he was. Before it was too late.
  15. Katie, the time thing is so weird. It seems like it happen a hour ago and then it seems like forever since I saw him. Thinking of you.
  16. Gwenivere

    My Allen

    Katie, I’m sorry I am late in saying hello to you. Laid up right now. I’m so glad to see this community rally as they do when someone is in need. I can add my first few months were like a time warp. Time had no meaning. Sometimes it would zip thru a day in numbness and others feel like misery so much longer than 24 hours. We never had children, 3 miscarriages tho. I cannot imagine what that is like for you with your boys and another coming. Just wanted to say I have been reading your thoughts and feelings so you know another is hearing your pain and wishes they could fix it. Make it all undo itself. Sadly we cannot. Another heart is with you. 💖
  17. Yesterday
  18. Thank you all. Today it’s three weeks since he left this world, my world. Why does it feel like it’s been forever yet yesterday. I went to the cemetery. I want to crawl in the hole with him for eternity. But Lord knows I have to keep going for our kids. I just want my heart to not hurt this much. It hurts so much. 😢💔
  19. The plan is to release me to home. I was told today a push on that even tho I’m still on oxygen. I know they are trying to help me, but I feel worse since I got here (yes, a hospital, Kay). All the drugs have made me feel so sick. Keep being told how much better I am doing but sure don’t feel it like they mean. First few days it really helped to be here. It’s been such a stressful experience I am barely hanging in there mentally. Not just me being here but all the craziness getting the dogs taken care of. Now that it looks like I’ll have to go home with oxygen, I’m really depressed. Might be different antibiotics so that has me on edge as there are only two I can tolerate and they are not in the running. I won’t be able to do my volunteering which will lead to more isolation. Don’t think wearing portable O2 would be a positive experience for me or the residents and I doubt they would want me to anyway. Talk of someone coming in to help at home. It’s like hire a friend. The loneliness is crushing me. I’ve been trying to push away the suicidal thoughts but they keep coming stronger. I do need to see my kids tho. I’ve been in constant contact with my counselor. She knows I feel this way and is bending every rule not to report me so they don’t drag me off somewhere. I could write more, but it’s just downer crap. I thought I knew what hell was. I was wrong. A huge thank you to you all for being some support. A safe haven of caring. Sounds odd to say not having met any of you, but love you all. 💕
  20. Darrel: Thanks for sharing that "little ditty". It is beautiful. I can understand how you must be feeling about your wife's upcoming birthday. Those special days can be so difficult but so can so many other regular days. There seems to be so many times I call upon my husband's name lately. I know he is close by, just as your wife is close by as you celebrate her Birthday. Good Thoughts to you. Dee
  21. I am going through literally the same exact thing right now. My boyfriends mom died about 2 months ago, she lost her battle with cancer after 2 years. Our 5 year anniversary is next month, he seems to be pulling further and further away from me, but keeping his friends closer than ever. When I asked him if he wanted to take time apart and for me to give him space he says no, he doesn't want to break up he keeps asking me to hang in there. He is an only child and EXTREMELY close with her. Before she got sick we were talking about moving in together and getting married, ever since she got sick, those things seem to have gotten further and further away. I can't imagine what he is going through right now, but to say I am not suffering as well would be a lie. It's been so hard to watch him go through this but to watch him go through and feel like he doesn't want me around even though he says that he does hurts even more. He goes to his dads house every night and gets mad if he can't he has been very protective of his dad lately which is understandable. He always worked a lot and is a very hard worker and I always admired that but now it seems to be out of control and I am starting to get very worried about him working too much and not listening to his body. He keeps asking me to hang in there and I truly love him so much and I want to think that I can but its hard to do so when he seems to have time for everyone but me. I know that is has only been 2 months and everyone grieves differently and I have been trying to surround myself with positive vibes and people. Doing things that I love and hobbies that maybe have taken a back seat lately. It still hurts everyday. I miss his mom dearly, she was an amazing woman and I had a great relationship with her. My boyfriend is definitely not himself at all! There are days when I feel I do not even recognize him anymore. I miss him terribly.
  22. Thanks Marty. Fr Concetti has a refreshing attitude.
  23. You might appreciate this article, Tom: The Vatican and Afterlife Contacts See also Afterlife Contacts and The God Squad
  24. This Thursday will be my wife's birthday. I always tried to make her birthday a special day for her. Even when the truckdriving lifestyle didn't make it easy, I was able to be home with her for most of them. She is really on my mind this morning. I stumbled upon this little diddy a few minutes ago, and thought I would just share it here. My love to everyone here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  25. Wd not be surprised if the priests from my youth wd tell me I’ll burn in hell for talking to a psychic. Anyway she said I had an instant total connection w Susan b/c we have been together in many previous lives. Feels a bit like that now.
  26. Gwen, It sounds like you are feeling similar to my sister, she has been in so much pain for over three months and can't come home and can't even read, she has too much pain and interruptions constantly. They're doing PT with her eight hours a day. She just wants to come home, not even sure if she'll make it. I can't imagine, what you're going through sounds hellish. You will eventually be able to go home with your dogs, won't you? I mean, are they giving you that light at the end of the tunnel? Are you in a hospital? It seems hard to understand how the place you've volunteered at for 24 years hasn't reached out to you. I know that loneliness. I'm so sorry.
  27. Not sure I put all that much stock in coincidences either. Never been to a psychic because of my beliefs so wouldn't put much stock by that either, but as for the instant connection, that's how it was with George and I. We started as friends but the connection was amazing and undeniable. I couldn't picture my life without him.
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