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  1. Today
  2. Yeah, I hoped that would bring someone a smile! But more than the practicality I cherish his thoughtfulness, that was an encouragement I needed. People have no idea how alone this life is. Esp. when their lives are full...that doesn't mean perfect, but very full. I remember those busy days of working and raising kids. We had very little time to think back then. Thanks, I hope the glasses are right next time too, I don't know what I'll do if they aren't, I'm exhausted from the fight.
  3. No, it's your reality. You don't owe anyone justification for your grief, it's yours, they can't "get it" having not been there. Even for those who've lost their spouse/relationship, they are all different, for some of us the loss hits us greater than those who were in a so-so relationship. George was my person, my soulmate, my everything, how can they understand?
  4. Wow, didn't know when I responded to your post that you were related to Al...so you lost your twin and he lost his wife. Too much in one family. The confusion probably came from this being his thread but you quoted Gwen's post in it.
  5. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. My sister have always meant the world to me, I can't imagine the strong ties of being a twin, and then losing that. I lost my husband 16 years ago, that was the hardest thing I've ever been through and now growing old alone. Wherever she is, you are still connected. I truly believe we'll be with them again. Sending you hugs from Oregon. Sibling or Twin Death of A Words of Comfort
  6. You are heavily grieving relationship so I advise strongly against turning to alcohol in it. It further depresses you. We can't go through life very well numb. I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. It helps to understand the science of our body. Sodas cause depression & anxiety too, not helpful. What we eat and do does make a difference in how we're able to handle things and cope, to give yourself the best possible chance at coping to the best of your ability, take care of yourself, get some exercise to release endorphins and give yourself optimal chance at getting through this with quality of life. Nothing good seems to happen instantly but in our society we're not taught patience. Prayer/meditations help too.
  7. Hey all, How are you all? Its been a while. A lot happened. I'm in my college again , living in the hostel. And although I've tried distracting myself with people , it haunts again and again. He was slipping words a few times when we used to talk a little more , and it made me want to as well , but I did not absolutely wanted to be in a place where cutting ties altogether would happen. I just need to know people I've loved are alive. So I even told him one time that I wouldn't make any mistake talking you , this is the only communication left and so i cannot go wrong , by mistakes i mean the words , things that will take us back to the time we had and hurting us , words like maybe i miss you and everything. I've not said this once from the very beginning even though he almost said it , he said 'you miss me too?' , thats all. Thats when i told him we needed to restrain or this will go nowhere. And he said he will keep a check on him after that And he did , he never said anything of that sort again. But the last call we had. Few days ago , i got a little into contact because some twisted s*** happened in his family and he was just in a mess and asked me for opinion. So i checked on him a little for a few days , last we talked on call , I slipped , for the first time. I was going to say something but i didnt , i stopped so he said 'is it not worth it anymore?' , and I mean , how could anything not be worth it. Communication was our love , since he is a psychologist , communicating everything meant so much . And In that flow i just said ' how will anything I have to say not be worth it saying to you ' and I gave a pause but I couldn't ,it was too much and I said ' I missed you' and he kept his word ,he didnt said anything ,only long breaths , i cried. A lot. College has always been horrendous for me , people I dont wanna be with and things I never wanted to do and the person who made it bearable was him , I walk by places in my campus where i remember was my escape cause I'd be alone talking to him and it would be okay before I get back into the whole sheet works of arch. We cut the call because I couldn't speak anymore , holding back the cry made my throat so full. But we just exchanged well wishes and cut the call. Thats the last call , I didnt contacted him at all after it , he did it once after a few days , showing me his random brush strokes saying his artist has awaken or something lol. But yeah thats the end of it. I always think no contact mightve done good but if I went into it , all I'll ever think of him would be an ex. Its definitely hard right now , but life is slipping so much , nothing holds up for us even for a second , I don't wanna live in a place where people I've loved and who haven't done wrong to me no longer exists , and so I don't wanna be in a place where I am just always finding new people and leaving the ones I've loved. And I forced myself into going out with classmates and I felt alien. People infront of me , most of them looked so normal for this age. Like theyre just living life as it is given to them , not a lot to loose , not a lot of things that they cannot control. I've become this person infront of everyone where I'm unable to show emotions much , cause they feel uncomfortable if I even said something once and tbh they are kids , my classmates , I dont want them to know yet that life fucks you up if theirs is alright for now. Most of the time I've stopped wishing to not wake up in the morning but once i do wake up , I do wonder why. Its not a necessity , I could give things up and rest a few years ahead of the normal age to rest? I'm not sure but a few months or years of sorrow in peoples memories , their lives will not stop either . But once you realise nothing in the life itself has any purpose , you put meaning again and again to just live it , even though we all know we wont make it at the end. People are pointlessly living , maybe its how they forget that all of our walkways ends are the same. I'm not actively thinking of suiciding , but its just I've known this for a long time which is why nothing makes sense to me , thats why he was a goal to reach to stay with. But now I came to understand that death will leave you bawling your heart out and you cannot do anything about it. You work for people you love , but if those people are taken away , what do you do . Its just a thought. Its probably cause I've become tired of people around me that I keep coming here again. Thanks for reading although its just crap , I only feel tired of it all is all I'm saying. Have a Good day! Ps - I've been really wanting to get into alcohol cause I wanna think less , so I've started it a little although my mother knows about what all happened with me so she is against it cause its not happy drinking right now, but like everyone only ever tells me there was no solution to this , And I know that but like if thats all people will always say , I'd rather try to let go of my senses altogether is all I think. Its kinda bad I guess , I know that and its pathetic , but I dont think I care a lot. If all I need to do is suck it up , I'd do it with alcohol maybe. Therapy didnt worked online and offline wont happen since pandemic is still in a bad shape in my place. So yeah.
  8. Yesterday
  9. Thanks Cathy. Just like to keep my gender intact. It gets confusing here getting started. I have been known as Uncle Gwen to a niece, but it was an inside joke. Take care.
  10. I am sorry Gwenivere I thought I was posting on Al's post...so sorry about your loss also... ❤️
  11. Yes I finally decided to do this, it does help for sure, and I am so glad the meds are finally working, mine are also, I had to add one to my current one to get through this grief.. they do help, plus I have been on the treadmill everyday since she passed except maybe a few Sundays..It helps me to think of something else, and her picture is on the wall by the treadmill and I smile at her... the grandkids will cheer you up for sure.. they always do, take care, I will see you at the memorial. I am not as proficient as you on the computer, so sorry I posted on the wrong one...oops
  12. I am so sorry I thought I was posting on Al's post....very sorry.
  13. Went to church today and saw so many couples with their arm around each other. Brought back such powerful memories! I used to have that, also. Not any more! Gin
  14. That was posted by Dotti's twins sister. She thought she was talking to me, and somehow quoted your post. I don't know what happened but it was definitely a mistake by her.
  15. Thank you. Just to keep the record straight, I’m not a brother. I’m a woman. I’m sorry about your sister.
  16. Ally used to do things to get attention too. Never had such an outgoing kid. If I had half her zest for life it would have been awesome. I think there is that once in a lifetime dog that just shines so brightly. We love them all, of course. It’s different going from that to just Mel now who is so shy and skittish. She has her moments, but nothing close to the exuberance except for food. Ally loved it too, but it wasn’t her driving force. I am being summoned to throw the ball. Always wonder if she will hear something making her run inside and if she’ll come back. But she’s my baby. A friend was by yesterday and she wanted to see him but she took so much coaxing. I know this is from being raised without more social experiences after my back got bad. She was much better when I could take her on outings with other kids and being with Ally. I have a big basket of toys of which so few are used anymore. A puppy would would have a field day! Wish I could do that, or an adoption. More people in my life would be nice, but dogs are becoming more appealing as I get older. Unfortunately can’t have a rousing discussion or debate with them. love you kept Maddie's caterpillar. I’m in agreement with you on this.
  17. Sister, you made it here. I am glad. I think about you a lot too. Losing a twin is horrible, I know that. I have been thinking about you today especially because I have been scanning pictures like crazy (pre-digital photographs are becoming like the slide-rule: obsolete), getting ready to make Dorothy's Memorial video for the service. I just did a rough count and I have over 1300 pictures pulled together already and the video may only use 150 of them. But I want to get the best 150 possible, if I can. And your folks almost never took pictures of you separately, so all the young pictures of Dotti are also pictures of you. Occasionally I get stuck trying to figure which of you I am looking at. I love you too Sister, and I am really looking forward to seeing you for the Memorial. My anxiety medicine is finally starting to work, and this morning I woke up with almost no symptoms for the first time in a long while. So, I dived right in on working on the video. Forty-six and a half years makes for a lot of memories, and lots of pictures. I hope you are okay, and moving forward with this terrible grieving. Dorothy was a very special woman and I will miss her until the day I die. I know you will too. I have the grandkids coming over today so I can watch them for a couple of hours and that should cheer me up. They are so precious.
  18. Well, Ana, we can be confused together. I’m coming up on 7 years and feeling worse. I may get a little more slack as I’m 25 years older than you. But no one has the right to judge how you handle your grief. That’s great that Biden found love again, but that doesn’t happen for everyone. All comparisons should be thrown out the window. I’ve always considered that rule one. I definitely have trigger times daily and weekly. Today is one just by being Sunday. Was a really laid back day and Steve’s night to cook. I’ve never stopped missing his grill night. Instead I’ll drag myself to pick up a senior meal. I was doing it because it helped the loneliness to talk with people. That’s changed as I sink deeper into missing him when I so need him with physical problems I am having. Also as someone that would truly get how frustrated I am and ease that with some much needed arms around me. Since the pandemic I’ve gotten exactly 2 hugs and they felt awkward. I so miss touch. His touch. The kind that made you feel everything was OK for a short time. A much needed break in the fight. Dee has some wise words. I know if I were getting those observations from people again I would be very upset. Feeling invalidated. It’s hard enough being forever changed without outsiders opinions. Especially to find someone 'new'. It happens for some. Your younger age is much more a target for such insensitivity’s. I’ve become s firm believer that all is normal in this journey. It’s your heart, your loss, your path. The one we all walk alone and no prior experience with. We do the best we can. ❤️
  19. I am so very sorry brother, I think about you as much as I think about Dorothy. I can only imagine how hard it is for you now that she is gone. She was your everything and you were her everything. I love and care you you brother.
  20. I'm so sorry brother, wish I could take your pain away.. I do my share of crying also, usually every night when I lay down to go to sleep. I am the opposite of you, sleep is very hard for me, that is when I think about her more and see her in my dreams, different times we had so much fun together.. I love you brother, and praying time will bring you a little peace.
  21. Ana: When I read your comments today I tried to think how to respond to your question. Being old enough to be your mother, or even your grandmother, I searched my brain how I would respond to a daughter. And can only say, try to trust your own feelings what is right for you and not let others direct how you feel. I will assume you have sought counseling for your loss? Just know you are in my thoughts. Hugs, Dee.
  22. I guess I am still upset that the way she died is making me crazy cause there are vaccines available now for Covid, and she didn't believe in the vaccine. I wish she would of got it, and hopefully then she would still be here with us. I have not had contact with her for about eight years due to a disagreement we had in 2013, but I have never stopped loving her and checking on her thru her website DWLZ or her facebook. Neither one of us would start a conversation with the other, we are both stubborn, I guess, and now I wish I would of contacted her sooner. I did talk to her before she passed away but that was not enough time with her.. I am so sad that I will never have the chance to make amends with her and that I will never see her again. I definately feel for her husband Al, my brother, because they were married for just 12 days shy of 45 years and did everything together.. I do better during the days, but at night I dream of her and all the fun things we did together and with Al..She was alot of fun and loved people like me.. I miss her beyond words...love her forever... ❤️ ❤️
  23. Thank you for that compliment, kayc. I am not as strong as you, and others are as you fight the grief war alone. Your "sharings" have helped me keep going, be it the wrong direction or not. I do hope your eye glasses are received correctly soon. Loved reading about the gift you received in the mail. 😆 Hugs, Dee.
  24. I don't know if someone relates, but lately I find myself shedding tears on Sunday afternoons-evenings. It feels like my grief has returned with it's own "variant" and I don't know why, or maybe I know why. No matter how much I try, I cannot fight the feeling of feeling pain in my heart. I thought I have acquired enough tools by now. People have started again with the saying: you're too young, what are you going to do with your life. Look at Biden, he found a new love after a tragedy. You should change landscape, change work, you don't go out, you don't have a group of friends where you live, why you are still living here and etc.... I don't want to hear this cause it causes me pain and at the same time I understand why they tell IT cause it's been 7 years and I'm 41. I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? I'm very confused. Ana
  25. I did that this year, insurance too, it was way more work than I'd imagined! I spent about a month at this, full time, unbelievable! It also meant change of pharmacies. I'm glad you get to see him even if only for a bit. I got to talk to my son on the phone for an hour the other night, it was an extremely rare treat, hadn't done that since Covid hit. Yesterday I got the laugh of my life...I'd told him I'd lost so much strength that I couldn't plunge my toilet. He laughed and said, "And that's not something you want to ask of your neighbors!" Yesterday I got a new plunger in the mail....accordian style, easy...I didn't wonder where it came from. Small interactions like this make our day, more than they could realize. Dee, I just think you're one strong cookie! And I understand vision problems, my eyes are complicated...STILL waiting on my glasses that I ordered June 18, the lab keeps screwing them up. I was NOT happy the third time!
  26. Wow, I lived in Phoenix a few months, moved back to OR because I missed the mountains and trees and our bodies of water, coast, did NOT like the stifling heat! And the hard water there was hard on my system. I do remember once when it rained, everyone went running outside and danced in the rain! No one gets so excited about it here but the last few summers here it never rains...if it did, maybe we'd dance in it too! Esp. since we're always in drought and threat of fires in the summer now, never used to.
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