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  2. ayrton88

    Help...just lost my little cat

    I'm so sorry. I thought going through this alone would be harder. I guess everyone has to grieve on their own no matter how many people surround them.
  3. Yeah, eating your problems away doesn't help either!
  4. I am so glad Ally is home with you and doing well. Arlie gets Diarrhea if there's any change in diet so maybe Ally will be better when she's back on her rice/ckn/veg diet? I hope so! I keep a close eye on Arlie's output as it tells me so much about his health...having a special needs dog can be a challenge! I couldn't agree more on the snow! Years ago I lost a FB "friend" when I said I hoped it'd quit snowing. Someone lambasted me in messaging, over and over, and I explained that while she had a husband and two strapping sons living at home to do her shoveling, some of us didn't have that luxury. I explained that snow caused me to spend Christmas alone as my daughter couldn't make it up the mountain in her car. I further explained that people fall in snow, it's dangerous, people have car accidents and it cancels plans. Nope, she said I was a killjoy, etc. I blocked her, I didn't figure I needed all the grief from her. She apologized years later. She's in a wheelchair and can't shovel and I couldn't understand why it never occurred to her, what would she do if she was alone? Many people are. I hope you find some back up people for Ally! I also hope you can volunteer today but only if you can safely get out. If you feel you need to stay home with Ally today, I hope you can do so without feeling bad about missing your volunteer work, I know you enjoy doing it.
  5. Last year my hard month was February also. I always feel relieved to get a milder January because I practically live at the church in January, trying to get all of the year end stuff done...a bookkeeper's hardest time of year! I feel grateful for a mild January this year too, it was hard to get everything done I needed to in between winter storms, but I made it! Now to get through February! They predicted an inch last night, inch today...nope! I woke up at 4 am to the heaviest wettest sludge, about 3" so far and it's really putting it down! Lord knows how much I'll end up with but it's back breaking type snow to move. I'm sorry you don't even have garbage service right now, Gwen. I guess they're hearty trash haulers here because they still came out. I had to haul my loaded trash can up my driveway, normally they come down into the driveway to get it, but they put out notice to have it on the street during snow, so even though I shoveled my driveway, I complied. It's hard for them to maneuver the pathways in snow with turning around, etc. One thing I did one year they couldn't pick up, I put all of the paper garbage in my shop and only put the icky stuff in the can...I only have one can and no spares. That way less attraction for mice or wild animals. I hope there's soon an end to this!
  6. Marty, By and large my experience with hospice over the three years of care they helped when my MIL was bedridden was amazing. There always seems to be a bad seed here and there and the one woman was an example of that, but in the three years most of those who helped us were godsends. My sister Donna was in an amazing foster family and they did more for her than anyone, and I still feel blessed we got to know this family. My mom had less interaction with hospice beyond a fitting for wheelchair, etc. but they were professional, her needs weren't as great for them because she was already in a facility taking care of her.
  7. kayc

    Grief seems to make people worse

    Wow, all I can say is wow.
  8. I'm sitting here reading these posts and have had so many of these experiences. I was lucky to make so many good friends in my grief support group and we have done things together. Although I love them and enjoy them I hate that "widows" seem to be the only people I can hang out with and feel comfortable. I had a friend who lost her husband last summer and one of the times I went to visit her, she said I have to apologize to you. I was a little confused. She said that until now she had no idea what I was going through and she felt bad about it. I told her that no one knows what it is like until they are there. I think that is the problem with other people but I want them to do as many things with their spouse as they can because you never know when they won't be there. Marge M, I too have a friend who was never able to grieve her first husband. It was Christmastime and she had 3 little kids expecting Santa. She has told me she will need me if something happens to her present husband because she was never able to mourn the first so it's going to be a double whammy. I hope I'll still be around to help her. We all want our friends to be happy, our kids to live their lives but that doesn't make it any less lonely for us. Several of us were talking one night and totally see how some of the left behind spouses become alcoholics. It was be so easy to try to drown your problems but that will only bring more problems. None of us has the perfedt answer but we have everyone on here and can be totally open with them So cheers to us.
  9. My poor dog has to take all my wrath. I so miss Tom's teasing. He could almost always make be laugh even though I might try to not show it.
  10. MartyT

    Healthy vs unhealthy grieving

    At this point, my dear, so early in your grief, it's okay for you to try anything that soothes you and eases your pain. Pamper yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and do what you need to take good care of yourself. There is no right or wrong way to "do" this grief of yours ~ there is only your way, and that you must discover for yourself. Grief is as individual as your fingerprint, just as your relationship with your fur baby is unique to you. Please be patient with yourself, and give yourself time to mourn the loss of this precious being in your life. ❤️
  11. K.D.

    Help...just lost my little cat

    Ayrton88, Your original post was very poignant for me to read. I’m in my late 40’s with a husband and baby. I married late and had my child mid 40’s. My rescue dogs have always been my family throughout my life. I thought that losing my dog would be different this time, with a husband and child in tow, but it wasn’t. It was just as hard, maybe harder because it was made more complicated by the new husband and child that didn’t seem to make the loss any easier. I still feel completely alone, scared, crushed, etc., and on top of it completely guilty because I don’t want anything to do with them right now. How crazy is that ? I just want to retreat inside myself and mourn my little dog. He was my anchor. He was my solace. He made me feel safe and loved. It’s complicated I guess. But please don’t feel alone. Wishing peace for you...
  12. So many questions in my mind...it’s doing such crazy things to me, so many intense emotions and thoughts. I’m so desperate for relief that I found myself curled up on the bed with his blanket, petting it, pretending it was him. Petting him In all the familiar ways, saying the familiar phrases of the past ten years. Is that normal? Too unhealthy? I’m so glad this is a safe place to ask this, my husband would think it’s crazy. Thank you
  13. Gwen: So happy Ally is home and is doing better and doesn't have to go back to Vet. That is a plus! I was so pleased to see the bright sunny day in Tacoma this morning. The change in the weather felt so good for my old bones. I was able to get outside and take Maddie for a short walk now that the snow is almost gone from my street. This was the first day I could walk down the street without fear of slipping on snow/ice. Am totally in agreement with you, "If I never saw snow again that would be fine with me." Hugs to you and Ally, and Melody. Dee
  14. Yesterday
  15. This is an odd phenomenon for here in the PNW. Usually snow is December or January. And nothing cripples the city. No refuse pick up in weeks. Still don’t know when. More snow predicted next week, but very minor with higher temps. It’s at that ugly phase now. Dirty from traffic. No postcard beauty.
  16. Busy update. Ally is doing fine at home, happy to be here. Unfortunately she pee'd the bed from all the IV's in her system overnight. My housekeeper is here today and can change them and thank gawd the mattress pad was waterproof. The vet wanted to know if she diarrhea so when I went to check and pick up what I could find, my hand slipped out if the bag so my fingers were covered with poop. Racing to wash mattress pad so Larenna can do the bed. All this has stressed my back beyond normal so it will be a tough night. But Ally is much better. I’m going to do one more day on the disgusting canned food and switch back to rice, chicken and canned veggies. We are slowily thawing. If i never saw snow again that would be fine with me. Having bad luck lining up people if I need them for Ally. Really makes me miss my rock, my partner. Soon it will get dark and that emptiness will wrap around and smother me. Don’t know if I will be able to volunteer tomorrow. I’ve learned to nevve say things can’t get worse. I am grateful it was a cleaning day. Don’t know what I would have done. Called vet and they said she doesn’t have to come in. That’s a plus. One day, just one day without a crisis. Is that too much to ask?
  17. Karen, what an awful menory to be left with, like Kay being pulled away from George. I was not there when Steve passed overnight but declined coming to see him. He was gone and the body was of a man ravaged by cancer, I did not need to see it again. He was in dementia so the times I saw him were heartbreaking. He woke out of that so briefly and said I love you and then back to that world in his brain. A memory that was not uncommon but it tears you up.
  18. K.D.

    Thank you for this site

    Kayc, Thank you very much for your response. It means so much to be comforted by people who have experienced the same feelings. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I will try to remember what you said about the final moments. Thank you for your kindness.
  19. No human being should have to die that way, dear Karen ~ and no mother should have to experience such a horrible, traumatic death. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you and your daughter. You have every right to be angry about it, and I'm sure you're still haunted by the memories of it. I can only hope and pray that this cannot and will not happen to anyone else ~ but I know that not all hospices are the same. Truly, Hospice of the Valley is a very special one, and I am grateful for you that your beloved Ron was treated with all the love and dignity he deserved. ❤️
  20. Marty, Hospice Of The Valley treated Ron with love and dignity and were responsible for transporting him home to breathe his last breath. Nurses stayed here with him round the clock through the end. I have only kind words for them. My daughter lived in a rural area. The Hospice in her area was probably understaffed for the large area they covered and definitely poorly trained. The nurse who visited most often did not even have a license, I found out later. It took them hours to arrive when called. I was appalled to learn no one would be there to provide medical assistance during her final hours. Just "give us a call after she's gone and we'll call the funeral home for you." I watched her die screaming and in convulsions, an unimaginable horror and I was helpless to stop her torment. Therein lies my anger. Such different treatment from two organizations who should operate on the same principle.
  21. Grief sure seems to make a lot of people worse...more narcissistic, more crazy, more of whatever they are. I had a friend named Wayne, who was a gifted ceramicist and painter. He was also a fighter pilot in Vietnam and the agent orange and jet fuel exposure he got from decades flying and training pilots caught up with him via cancer, and the second bout killed him in early Dec 2018. He was a sweetheart of a man and had many friends. After his military retirement he devoted himself to art and was very prolific. He had a ceramic studio in a trailer he owned, took classes at the community college, and was very involved in many aspects of the art community. He was also very active at the community rec center, where he exercised regularly. He was friendly, kind, generous, and many people loved him. It was heartbreaking to us all to see him decline suddenly and die. I met Wayne at the community college in ceramics classes, and also saw him at the rec center, and we talked about all kinds of things when we saw each other and texted when we didn't. I loved him, as did a lot of people. At the college, there is a clique of middle aged and older women who have been working in clay for a long time. They socialize together to the exclusion of "new" women artists, but draw in new men, and seem to fawn on them. This sort of thing exists all over the place. You know what I mean... So this group is like a little bully clique at the college. The classes have beginning, intermediate, and advanced students all together, and so there are students who have been there for many years, who work on their own thing, socialize, and sometimes help the less experienced. The man who has taught ceramics at the college for many years - let's call him Tim - has tolerated the bullying in his class for the six years I have been involved there - and no doubt before that. I try to keep my head down, work on my projects, and stay out of their way, which is difficult, because they make demeaning comments and literally push people out of their way. They seem to see themselves as a "top tier" of privileged students who can boss and demean the rest. I usually do hand-building, but decided to give the wheel another try this semester because there is a new teacher, who is an amiable young man who is quite skilled. While Tim has been impatient with my repeated attempts to try to learn on the wheel, the new teacher has tried hard to derive ways to teach me what has alluded me. This is great, but it has been frustrating. Since I am rather relentless, I keep at it on the wheel. Meanwhile, the bullying has intensified in the presence of the new young teacher and since Wayne's death. Wayne had tons of stuff related to clay...finished wares, partially finished wares, clay, tools, glazes, chemicals, kilns, wheels, and so on. Apparently the same is true with his painting things. His son said at his memorial that he really wanted to give as much os Wayne's tools, wares, and so on to Wayne's friends. He as asked repeatedly didn't he want to be paid or have the money to to something, and the son kept insisting that he believed his dad would have loved his pieces and tools go to his friends and people who loved him and his work. But the bully clique descended and things got ugly. The son was in town early this week and the word went around the clique in whispers. I heard this and contacted his son, who encouraged me to come out to the trailer and he would give me a few or Wayne's pieces, which I did. When I got there the whole bully clique was there and they were nasty. One greeted me with, "did you come to pick or help?" I tried to avoid them and talk to his son and look at the trailer and it's contents, which was overwhelming, even after two days of it being picked over and hauled off. These women decided that that they should get all of the stuff together and sell it, and set up a scholarship in Wayne's name at the college. I had heard about this at the college and that they had tried to badger anyone who had anything of Wayne's to pay them for it. So, out at the trailer I talked to his son privately, about his dad, his work, and so on. He offered me some pieces and several times came over to me with a bowl or mugs I hadn't seen, asking me if I would like them. I ended up with four bowls, three mugs and a couple of other odd pieces. When I was walking to the car one of these women was following me, yelling my name. I ignored her, but she pursued me to my car where I couldn't avoid her anymore. She told me, "if you took anything you need to pay for it" and explained what they were doing. I told her that Wayne's son had been very clear about his wishes and how he felt about his father. She went on some thing about how the scholarship was taking things "full circle" and didn't I want things to go full circle. I ignored her and went back to the son, asking him if he wanted me to pay him or these women. He said, "No, no, I want you to have them and it is not my intention for you to pay for them". I told him what this woman had said and he said, "WHO said that?" I told him and he told me to take and enjoy the pieces. So I did. Later in the day I called the college and talked to the dean about the bully pack and their horrible behavior in class. The physical intimidation, pushing, demeaning comments that go on right in front of the teacher...it has been hard to go into class knowing I will face that, and I don't think the college wants that to go on. I told her six or so of the more flagrant things, including one woman who has shoved, dragged me along with her as she walked rather than walking around me. She has also pressed up against me in a group because she wanted the spot where I was and I couldn't move other because other people were standing in a tight group listening to the teacher. So she would stand there, pressed up against me, so I could feel her breast and whatnot against me. Ewww... I have not been silent in class, but protest, with no impact. She also goes up to the sink when I am using it and puts a bucket between the spigot and my hands to fill it, and if I say anything says, "I am just taking your runoff", which of course would be below my hands and not above. Another woman was particularly nasty to me one day (the same one who chased me to my car) and I said to her, "do you have kids?" "Yes, she said". I then asked her, "do you know I'm not one of them?" "Yes", she said. "That's good!" I said cheerfully and with enthusiasm. So, none of this had had any impact, which is why I went to the dean. She was sympathetic and understanding, saying that the new teacher was an adjunct faculty and probably felt uncertain about how to handle the situation, which he had really inherited from Tim. She also said that she had taken a class with Tim a year or so ago, and had been bullied in Tim's class in front of Tim, even though she was the dean. She said she would talk to him and possibly pay a visit to the class. I was late to class yesterday because I work two hours away and sometimes it's hard to get out early. When I got to class, the teacher seemed to be a little tense but didn't say anything - just body language, like a tensed jaw. The class seemed subdued, everyone was very polite, no one was pushing anyone else around, and the three of them didn't say a word to me. That was good. I know this was kind of long, but it seems so typical in a way, of how grief intensifies dysfunction and how people can get into the most awful behaviors struggling over the stuff that a deceased person owned. It is insensitive to the bereaved and disrespectful to the deceased person, whom they supposedly loved so much.
  22. MartyT

    Honoring your beloved

    When my beloved Tibetan terrier died (Saying Goodbye to Beringer) I made a list of all the silly names we used to call him. I wrote down every special memory I could think of, so I wouldn't forget them. I spent hours on end sorting through all the pictures I had taken of him throughout the years, and eventually put the best ones into a photo book I made online (I used Snapfish). (Trust me, I am not tech-savvy, but if I can figure out how to do it at a time when I was totally heartbroken, anyone can!) I found a stuffed animal figure that looked like him, and placed his collar and tags around its neck, so I could hold it close and think of him whenever I looked at it. I also set aside a shelf in a bookcase where I displayed my favorite picture of him, a little box with his puppy teeth, a clipping of his fur, the container of his remains and an LED votive candle. You're only limited by your own imagination and willingness to be creative. It's a wonderful way to feel as if you're DOING something with your grief, and honoring your fur baby at the same time. You'll find some other ideas here: Memorializing Pets We Have Lost ❤️
  23. It saddens me to read stories like these. In the early years, hospices were small, intimate, local and not-for-profit. The hospice I was with for 17 years (Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ) is still non-profit and is still considered to be one of the finest in the country, even though it has grown to be one of the largest. So much has changed in recent years. Nowadays the old adage, "Let the buyer beware" applies. As consumers we must do our due diligence to make sure the hospice we select adheres to the highest standards of care. At the same time, I recognize that those who live in rural areas and smaller towns may not have many options from which to choose. See When Hospice Care Fails A Family ❤️
  24. K.D.

    Honoring your beloved

    How is everyone honoring their pet? I’m desperately searching for some way to honor him and give him a legacy. I guess the event is still too fresh because everything I can think of to do seems like a painful reminder, not a tribute.
  25. K.D.

    The pain is crushing

    Thank you. It’s crazy all the strange things my mind is doing. It makes the grief even worse. All these horrible tricks my mind is playing on me.
  26. kayc

    The pain is crushing

    Go ahead and shed those tears, they can be part of our processing our grief, you have much to miss and good reason for the pain you are feeling. Do not fear, it won't stay in this intensity, it will lessen to something more tolerable eventually...that will not mean you are "over him" or didn't love him enough, it is merely our body's amazing resilience, without which we couldn't survive. Always you will miss your baby boy and love him. (((hugs)))
  27. kayc

    Thank you for this site

    I am so sorry for your loss. Those of us here get it, we are animal lovers and have been through this ourselves. My heart sunk as I saw the picture of your adorable Whiskey...I thought, oh no... You will never forget Whiskey, you will remember everything about him and forever be grateful to him for his loving relationship and the times shared with him. Having other loving relationships and times with others will in no way diminish anything you shared with him. I'm sorry for the seizure he experienced and you had to witness. I understand about having that image burned into your brain, it's much the same as having the image of my husband's final heart attack etched into my brain. It haunted me for a very long time but eventually I had to realize it was but a moment (or minutes) in time, not what defined him, me, our relationship, or our years together. He is in peace now, just as your Whiskey is, made whole and enjoying life where they are until we can at last be reunited. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf (I'm having trouble with that loading so will attach the pdf file for you, look for it at the end.) Another article: http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml A dangerous Villain-Guilt.pdf
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