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  1. Today
  2. Thank you all, I needed your thoughts and prayers, it took everything within me to get through the day...but now I have all this time ahead to get through. I fixed him scrambled eggs, cheese, mushrooms for breakfast, which he loved. We went on our last walk. He went on his last ride (an hour to the vet) in the back of my son's Baja and enjoyed it. The veterinary office was amazing and compassionate. They'd put a stack of blankets on the floor for him to lay on. He cried when they gave him the shot, they told me it was brutal, I felt so bad for him. Then I just stroked his head and told him how much I loved him and what a good boy he was, and Paul and I bawled, we couldn't help it. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I haven't been in this much pain since George died, my heart is literally broken in two. I could not have made it through this without my son, he was a godsend. He was so comforting, he also is grieving Arlie. He hasn't had the benefit of time to see the changes, he hadn't seen him since his cancer so it hit him hard...you can hear about it on the phone, it's entirely something else to witness it. Arlie was so happy to see Paul! He rallied at the last, I think because of having Paul there. I was disappointed that Jim never came to see him and my daughter never called. I thank God for my son. He not only dug the hole (I probably did 10%) and was with me through it, but he also fixed a plumbing issue and is going to look at my computer that is making noises it shouldn't. I know a lot of people don't realize how close you can get to your dog, but it's just been him and me these last 10 1/2 years and I literally lived for him. It feels like it did the day George died minus the anxiety and shock. A husband's death impacts your life in more ways, but the closeness I've had with Arlie is amazing...he was the perfect dog for me. Sometimes you only get perfect once...that was the case with George and I think it is with Arlie too.
  3. Mary, It does get better with time, it takes quite a while to build a life you can live. Unfortunately, it's always changing, new challenges to face, new losses to endure. I built a life with my dog and now he's gone too. I don't at this point have anything to look forward to, but I am going to have to figure it out along the way. When I first lost George, I couldn't even get groceries, it was something we always did together, we traveled out of town to get them, visited friends, got a pizza...it was way too painful after I lost him and the friends disappeared. I have a young neighbor I'm going to have to get more acquainted with, she's younger than my kids but she's really been here for me in the loss of my dog. Having even small things to look forward to can help. I signed up for Women's Retreat (through my church) at the coast, it'll be the end of Sept., I haven't been able to go for years because my dog was special needs, not easy to get someone to take care of him...although I'd much rather have him back with me and would gladly take care of him the rest of my life. But I guess what I'm saying is we can only try to make the best of things. We can only play the best we can with the hand we're dealt, I just don't know why some are dealt a good hand and others get one that sucks. I've learned not to ask why though, never got any answers anyway. Sending you and everyone else who is struggling (((hugs))).
  4. I think most of us keep private what we feel after all this time, most do not care to hear really, it's mostly with people here I can express myself, and those I'm closest to, like my sister, Peggy...but she cannot get how I feel, she's been married 49 years. When she goes through something her husband is there for her. Now I don't even have my dog and my heart is broken in two. I think we aren't alone as we feel...there are so many silently carrying their loss, their grief, the emptiness left behind. We try to be positive, try to make our lives fulfilling, but, well you know. My little sister is married, always throwing parties, gets to see her kids often, doesn't have to worry about money or health, and has tons of friends, travels frequently. She can't begin to understand how my shoes feel. I don't wish her life any different, it was hard when she was younger, but it's kind of like there's a disconnect between us.
  5. My dear Kay, so many of us have been where you are now, and we know how much this hurts. To place the needs of your beloved Arlie before your own is a most selfless act of love. I am so sorry. How I wish the lifespan of our beloved companions would match our own, but that is not meant to be. I hope that the love you share with Arlie will bring you comfort, and that when you think of him, love is what you'll remember most. ♥
  6. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I took him for his last walk, he got his last ride, he cried when they gave him the first shot, they'd said it was a brutal one. We laid on the floor with him while we were waiting for him to get sleepy, I kissed him and told him how good he was, and how much I love him. My son and I both bawled, it was so hard. I haven't had this much pain since my husband died, my heart was literally broken in two. We laid him to rest in the back yard next to Skye...Skye was like a brother to him, he's been gone six years come 9/3. I was privileged to have had this dog in my home, my family, my heart, he's been the best.
  7. Kay, I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and Arlie.
  8. kayc

    Living with Loss

    Thank you, I needed to hear that right now.
  9. kayc

    Living with Loss

    This was the hardest thing I've been through since losing George, it felt like that all over again. I've had 23 dogs & cats in my life and this was by far the hardest. I feel like I betrayed him, but I know with my head I did what was best for him. I took him on his last walk, fixed his last breakfast, I gave him his Colitis homemade mixture plus scrambled eggs with cheese and mushrooms, he loved it! My son and I both cried so much today and I have a lot of tears ahead of me...I am heartbroken.
  10. Yesterday
  11. You are Arlie’s savior ! You are breaking your heart to allow him to go to his rest and peace with dignity, knowing how much he was loved by you.
  12. I read Martin Short's autobiography a couple of years ago. It struck me in a way that I was feeling things. I felt like I could reach over and touch Billy's arm, knowing the feel of his anatomy more than my own. I remembered the scars, he was tall and not really skinny, but I could feel his bones and touch his high cheek bones above his beard, and I can still feel him, but yet he is not there.......but he is. I talk to him, less really than I did. Perhaps my widow friend was right, "your still young in your grief." Her husband had been gone over 10 years. Yesterday a "friend" from my "before Billy" days was mentioned and my only action/feeling was a recoil, a disgust, and that made me sort of sad. He was a good guy, but there had already been and always would be only one "good guy." In Martin Short's book he was still having imaginary cocktails with his deceased wife after she was gone. He carried on his regular witty conversations with her, imagined her replies and he said he knew the conversation would end, but he had to ask it, "where are you Nancy" and she quit talking to him until the next evening. This morning, the king sized bed, the old fashioned real king sized bed, I had the comforter on that Billy had loved. He thought it was beautiful. I reached over and a part of the cover was doubled over and I could feel his arm with the scar from an old accident, then I felt the comforter. In my belief, he is waiting on me. My son had been shot and coded twice on the OR table to be revived, taken back to his room to await surgery when he was stronger. He had a NDE that showed him light, people he knew, but did not know how he knew them, they were all loving to him and he wanted to stay, but they said he couldn't. He told me his dad (Billy) was waiting for me and I would know him, and I "want to feel" he will be there for me. As he used to ask "why do you believe like you do" and he was satisfied with my answer "because I have to." He had helped me so many times with my faith, and now at age 77, I feel I am closer to him than I was shortly after he left. I have to believe that. I have noticed I did some things in shock after Billy left. It has to be a shock akin to losing the use of your anatomy after a stroke. It is a shock I cannot explain, and do not try to. I won't find him in a coverlet on my bed, I feel closer to him when the moon is full, I talk to the moon, I feel closer in the white billowing clouds. I have no real explanation. We find solace where we can. All of us different, all of us the same, and after nearly four years, the shock is still with me. Will be the rest of my days. And yes, I still cry. Sometimes when I am alone it seems endless and I don't want to quit. Other times I cry, cannot talk, during a TV show or ridiculous commercial. I keep a roll of paper towels by the recliner, and my family, all of them, are used to this. I was telling my sister (and she has a new car, hooray), about something that had made me so angry at Billy. She said it was no use to me to get angry at him now, he was not here. I told her it did not help him, but it helped me sometimes to get angry at him. I cannot stay that way, but sometimes we do things that do not make any sense at all just to protect ourselves.......for a moment.
  13. I want to sit down and cry until no tears are left. I miss you so much. I need you so much. Where are you?
  14. Kay,. Thinking of you and Arlie today. Rough time for you! Gin
  15. Some days, it all just seems so unreal. Did it all really happen? It's like a never ending bad dream. I can't begin to look to the future because I feel like there is no future. I have family and friends, but it's not the same. We did everything together, so even going to the store is difficult. I have to push myself to do even that. Thankfully, my son is home every other week for a few days and that gets me moving, at least while he's here. On other days, I probably wouldn't move at all if I didn't have to take care of the dogs. I wonder, too, about staying in this house. I'll stay for now, but I don't know if I'll be able to maintain it in years to come. My son helps, but I don't want to put that burden totally on him. And like you, if I moved, I don't even know where I would go. I can't imagine moving away, but I understand about the memories involved with places nearby. There are several restaurants and places I just don't go anymore. Too many memories there and people who would ask about my husband, not knowing that he passed away. So, just better to avoid it all. Jackie, I hope at some point when you are settled in a new place that you are able to have a dog again. Even though I don't feel quite the closeness with my current dogs, mostly because they're more independent than my others, I do know that it would be unbearable here without them. I think for now, the biggest hurdle is just motivating myself to do anything. I do enough to keep things up, but not much more. There just seems to be no point in any of it anymore. Mary
  16. We're all thinking of you and Arlie today, dear Kay. ♥
  17. Same here Kayc. My prayers for you and Arlie as you take him to his peace and rest. He will be in George’s care. God Bless.
  18. Kacy... ..i just want to send you a ( (hug )) after reading your post to me, oh yes the heartbreaks of losing our loves of our lives our partners our fur-babies, i am now crying more each day over all four of my losses...and the life of " what once it used to be.." I keep looking back to my early morning routine, you see, i always have said, that the early mornings are-were, the best part of my day, well they were once...I would come downstairs, open the door, to three darling fur-babies all wagging their tails happy to see me...I had a routine of letting them outside in the back garden to do their wee, then i put the kettle on to make my first cup of tea of the day, Richard would still be in his bed, then the television would be put on, i would then make a fuss of all three dogs, then they would settle and go back to sleep until Richard came down a few hours later...this is the life i so very much miss and would give anything to go back to those days but not if meant going through all this again, i could not do this again....Why did i take it all so for granted, why did i not appreciate more when i had it, i once had it all, now i still get up early but the emptiness loneliness and solitude is unbearable, the loss of the morning routine...Now i put the computer on, the kettle on, there are no waggy tails waiting for me, no Richard in his bed, soon to get up, get his golf bag in the car for his twice a week morning golf with his two or three buddies...I just cant believe we have now come to this final end, this it it, this is really happening...the life i once knew and took so for granted has now finished, finito... Kacy..aplogies as i am getting mixed up with pressing these reacted "like" and the " upvote" and our " like" buttons, think i may have clicked on the wrong button...anyway i am in total agreement of what you wrote to me...Yes life for me seems-is meaningless, i have no purpose, i am also dealing by myself with my PP-MS illness, i am terrified of my future, i feel so so alone and frightened, i still dont know how i have gotten this far, i still have a journey ahead of me because i know i cant stay here, this place is so unfriendly, so remote, i have no car, no dogs, no Richard...I have to get away from here but cant even put this place on the for sale market yet until all solicitor business is finalised...how long is a piece of string?, then the viewings, not forgetting how i am supposed to get myself from a to b to go view these places, i am even considering moving miles away, if only to get closer to where i once lived but, i could never go back to where i once called home, to see the places that once we went to would be so so heartbreaking...I just have to move somewhere perhaps i have never been to before, again this is so so frightening, you see, for the first time my Richard wont be driving, i wont be sitting beside him in the car, we wont be stepping into our next home together, this time it will be just me...I really am frightened, terrified now of my future...i feel that at age 68, I have had the best 20 years of my life, sadly now this has all ended and my life is going to be all down hill from now on, i really do think this is it..my last chapter...I have gone from my younger life of struggling by myself to my life of needing for nothing back to struggling by myself again, i have gone the full circle... Jackie...
  19. kayc: Have had you on my mind all day. I too will have you, your son and Arlie in my heart and prayers. Dee
  20. Absolutely this has happened to me. It makes it even lonelier. I feel bad that I don’t really care about their lives much because it’s such a reminder of what I once had. I’ll occasionally make a mention, but it usually goes right past them after all this time. I don’t feel like I am lying, I feel this is how life goes for us survivors. People who still have lives purpose, sharing, plans don’t question it. I never did. We never did as I/we had things to share of our plans. People I talk to have merely absorbed not asking about meals as I don’t cook, for example. The worst are holidays and chit chat with friends or people I run into asking my plans. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. I bought a take and bake pizza the other night and realized I ordered it with no pepperoni which Steve would have wanted. As I sat eating it I again saw how alone I am now. How I can do everything my way, but I never wanted to. I liked our way.
  21. Probably because I'm scare to loose the few people that still contact me from time to time. This is already a lonely place.
  22. I need to express the following. I have notice that I purposely avoid to tell friends (who are not in contact with me often) about my life. I have regular contact with two friends. With others, quite occasionally (and mostly by chat). With these I really divert conversation to talk about them cause I feel that I have nothing much happy or positive to say about the big categories of life. People stopped asking at around year 2/3 and I stopped talking about it. I find it is very hard for me to reveal how my life really is now. I don't tell lies, I just can't talk about it. I can't tell them the truth. Does it happen to you too?
  23. Last week
  24. I'm so sorry Kay for your dog. I shed tears when I read about it. You will be in our thoughts tomorrow
  25. Jackie, I can so relate to everything you are saying. I lost my husband in March, one month shy of our 46th wedding anniversary. I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. There is no direction in my life now. Just one day after another. You're so right that we take our lives for granted. Even the smallest things like planning what we're going to do for the day. Now, there is no one to do that with. I, too, have lost 4 of my dogs that I loved dearly. In 5 years, I lost them all and then lost my husband. We have had many dogs over the years and we loved them all, but these 4 were just extra special to us. I have 4 others now that I love, but again, those 4 I loved just a little more. They all died from heart disease, which is common in the breed and one also had lung cancer, which is what my husband died of. He also died on the day we had lost one of our dogs that we had for years before we adopted these 4. Some days, it's just so hard to try to understand why they were all taken away. Mary
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