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  1. Today
  2. Gwen: No, never watched Men of a Certain Age - sounds hilarious. Dee
  3. I have a hard time with music as songs have lyrics that I’ve heard forever have different meanings now. I only use the radio for an alarm as I hate beeping. My fav station has this unique ability to play songs that trigger either deep memories or say something different now. Today was Jack and Diane by John Melloncamp. Life goes on long after thrill of living is gone. Didnt have to turn over to know Steve was gone, always. Very disheartening way to start the day. I don’t know how many times I’ve woken to songs that were parts of our lives. Especially our song....Hot Blooded. I miss you Steve, more than words can say.
  4. I don’t know if you ever saw the show Men of a Certain Age, but 3 buddies decided to get thier scopes done at the same time. Ray Romano didn’t want the drugs and the look on his face when they wheeled him out was hysterical. Talk about bug eyed! Everyone I know that has one says it’s the only thing that makes the prep worth it. First thing they did was eat too....a lot! 🌭🍟🍕🍩🍳
  5. Reading your post was so uncannily like my experience. My Mother was suffering from COPD and developed pneumonia. Unlike a half dozen times since her diagnosis in 2010, she lost this battle just as I was returning to the hospital with a night bag to stay with her overnight. She left us on 4-3-19 and my reasons for being back home are different but the intent to care for my parents is the same. My Father isn't after Mom's money but he's showing signs of dementia and is quite forgetful. I have a Sister and Brother who help keep an eye out for him and he knows enough that we truly love him and will do everything in our power to help him. If there's anything that has helped me in this process, it's the saying that goes: You never get over the loss of a loved one. You just get used to it." Regards.
  6. Thank you kayc for your wishes, and my apologies for taking this long to respond. I, too, extend my condolences to you. As I read that you find it hard to believe that he's been gone for 4-1/2 years, I have a bevy of emotions and feelings that seem almost misplaced. Sometimes I'll cry as I would expect a Son to cry after his Mother has passed, then go three or four days in a sort of bubble where intellectually I know she's gone but then find myself also feeling a sense of disbelief. It's like I feel as if I should be sadder somehow or not entitled to be serene and accepting. Almost like what survivors guilt sounds like. I'm not scared or lost, just a bit perplexed about what I'm going through. At least I've had plenty of support in my family (I'm unmarried and childless) and I've been open about my feelings and unashamed of crying. As you may know, handling the unfinished business of a parent makes for a busy time and while my siblings are doing a lot of the work, I still find myself a little bewildered by what this is all about. I personally never cared for the notion of inheriting anything and often told my parents that I'll make it on my own steam. This is quite an intricate process getting everything switched over to Father so that he can finish Mom's task of what to do with the estate. I'm fortunate to have a Brother that I can trust with my life and who has an amazing aptitude for the process as well as an inextinguishable drive to see things through to their completion. Our Sister is just as driven toward turning Mom and Dad's house around in areas of modernizing, repair and general sprucing up. Me, I fill in the gaps and try to keep everyone humored despite my grief at the loss of the best person I'll ever know.
  7. Yesterday
  8. Gwen: Really??? Your answer made me laugh out loud. Tell me you were teasing. Or, maybe I have a sick sense of humor. I remember my last colonoscopy when my husband drove me home after the test, I was starving and we stopped so I could fill up on some carbs at a pancake restaurant. I can still his blue eyes staring at me as I blabbed my head off. Couldn't stop talking and he just sat there and listened to me the whole meal. Miss my sweet husband. Dee
  9. Have to have a driver after a colonoscopy unless you want to stay awake for it!
  10. Kayc: Our fur babies have alarm clocks that aren't always timed with ours. I really don't know how you can drive without coffee. I wouldn't dare get into a car to drive without my "fix". But, guess, we have to do what we have to do. I recently had to change my primary care doctor because of her retirement. I had been with her since about 20 years ago and followed her even though she moved her office about an hour away. Luckily, I was able to find a new primary care doctor, another female, that is only about 5 minutes away. I seem to be more comfortable with female doctors? The new doctor immediately referred me for two tests, a bone density, only 15 minutes away; and an ultra sound at a hospital located in downtown Tacoma, about 45 minutes away. Have not driven that area since my husband passed away 4 years ago. Brought back so many heart wrenching feelings as I had to drive myself. If he were here, he would have driven me and waited in the waiting room. I was holding my breath when she was asking when my last colonoscopy was. If she orders one, I will have to schedule it when my daughter comes for a visit. The last one, my hubby was there. More heart wrenching feelings. My hubby was there.
  11. Hey guys we finally broke up...I was diagonised with Bipolarism and she couldn't handle my depresive episodes...and my parents kinda blamed her for everything happening to me that's why she broke up with me
  12. Kay, will they do a colonoscopy with no one with you to drive you home? My sister went "to the big city" and kept her appointment, but one of the written rules was that she had to have someone drive her home. Of course, that was when she had a car, and I am pretty sure she read that on the instructions.
  13. Arlie woke me up at 2:30 needing to go out, which is rare for him, and I never got back to sleep. I'm going to pay for it today. I have to drive 110 round trip to the doctor, God if I don't hate going to the doctor, I'm getting fed up with this place and their attitudes which my sister says they get from the insurance. Maybe, but I miss my old doctor like you said, Gwen, he is a thing of the past now. I'm having to fast which I don't mind but sure miss my morning cup of coffee especially since I'm sleepy! Gwen, I'm sorry you had to deal with the ER again, I know that's no fun. I'm so envious of everyone who has someone to go through stuff with. They're already hounding me about a colonoscopy even though it's not due until September, they don't know what it's like to have such a long trip in and no one to take you...ever.
  14. Last week
  15. So much of what you said hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. The above 2 particularly. I’m so tired of pillls and treatments being shoved at me despite my questions about side effects or long term outcome. All the doctors know is what they have been told and while many do achieve success, many don’t. But I expect to be listened to regarding my concerns as that leaves me researching it my own which always brings conflicting conclusions. I’ve tried the no looking something up route also and have had horrid side effects so I know it isn’t what I read, yet I do always have worry working against me. The few times I have managed to forget I took something new are long gone. I trust pharmacists more as they talk to patients more about reactions as they deal with larger populations with this stuff. Fortunately my doctor listens, it is the specialists I have too many of that don’t and can’t answer for another’s combo with theirs. I can’t eveb get them to consult with each other. They dump it back on my primary doctor who sent me to them because she can’t know everything and need the help too. It’s a huge Catch 22. I was in the ER Friday because I couldn’t breathe and felt my chest crushed. Besides taking 3 hours to even see a doctor, they just took xrays and blood and said it wasn’t an infection (I have a very bad lung condition) and said something about steroids, I think, which I cannot do and sent me home saying follow up with my docs. I kept telling them something is wrong and the most I could get was a 'flare up, maybe progression. I understand that ER's are not designed for long term care. They are for pointing you in the right direction. It being Friday all the docs are off. On call ones don’t know my history so that is usually pointless. I was so angry my arthritis doc said so many symptoms were thyroid, but would not order a test. You’d think she would want to know but wanted my regular doc to order it. A simple phone call on her part to the lab and all my docs would have access to it. I had to twist the ER docs arm to get it so I didn’t have to go back the next day to the lab. He saw the signs, but said it wasn’t what he was seeing me for. It was the breathing issue. And still no one can tell me why my breathing is worse since I quit smoking. Dragging around an oxygen tube and always so weak. So where does the trust come in? My retired doc was a hands on fighter for his patients. He didn’t adhere to these 20 minute visits. We’d go thru everything which often meant well over an hour. I always left feeling I meant something and my issues addressed with a real game plan. I love my new doc, but she is in the machine so I have to prioritize and pray I get enough in to handle what is the most pressing. Her nursecisnt like his nurse either about following up well. And thru these nightmares, I have to face them alone. No Steve to keep me grounded. Or try. I do know his presence was as powerful if not more to my anxiety meds which is all I have now. Little pills instead of someone to hold me or be with me like at the ER as I always was for him and ask questions til we got satisfactory answers. No one to stand back with a clearer head because as the patient you are afraid or in distress. I did that for years for him, no one for me. I get lost for words he could relate to them coherently. Yesterday I did my volunteering and had no shortness of breath. Today it’s back. But today is shopping day which I hate now. I give up saying any more as nothing makes sense today. It might be the day I break down and call the crisis line. And the thought of that just magnifies my loneliness. word salad"........chooose your dressing. Croutons with that?
  16. I think I will just get rid of the "word salad" I just put out. Sorry. Some days I feel like this.
  17. Yep! We all have different systems. I read their list and haven't gotten any of them. I think perhaps Lipitor gave my family Diabetes.
  18. They don't stop and think how these things affect us, esp. the newer you are to grief. It's like rubbing salt in a wound.
  19. Gwen, that is so poetic. The writer in me loves this. There was something else you said in some other thread that caught my writer's eye. I'll have to go look for it. So well said! 👍
  20. Being surrounded by couples is hard. A friend was having a birthday party and he tried to convince me to come by listing all the people I knew who were coming "with his wife". He had no idea that he couldn't have done better at convincing me to NOT come if he tried. Several cases like that. Seeing a couple our age who look happy I think "how did you live?" And seeing a couple sailing a boat is torture. Nothing was better than just me and Susan on our 33' sailboat, all by ourselves on the ocean.
  21. LOL. It went easy this year. Hardest thing was reading numbers off the forms to enter them & thinking about how Susan used to read them to me.
  22. And, again different people. Buspar made me nauseated to such an extent, I could not take it and tried about three different times. The Prozac gave my granddaughter's nurse relief from her anxiety, it gave me the shakes worse than I already have. Different physical body types. I think it is most times like shooting an arrow with a blindfold on. My poor daughter has been on every kind they make at least once, and yes, one did give her diabetes. It's a jungle out here in la-la land.
  23. Cookie, Marg is right that they affect us all differently. I had an (ex) sister-in-law that started on Prozac (unfortunately AFTER I'd left the family) and it turned her night into day a different person. The old Annie was a pill, let me tell you, now she's sweet, I couldn't believe it! Figures I didn't get to see the new her! I had a coworker that was on Prozac and took herself off it (you're supposed to do so with the doctor's knowledge and care) suddenly and she turned into a bear. She even hit me when I was busy working at my desk! I'm on Buspar (Buspirone), very mild, I've had no side effects and have been on it for 11 years for anxiety. I'm on the lowest dose and maybe could stand a little more but don't want to overmedicate. I haven't had an anxiety attack in years now.
  24. Cookie, my granddaughter's nurse takes Prozac, and she takes it for anxiety. (See how different we all are. It did make me shake worse.) She says it cured her anxiety. You are going to have some symptoms from any antidepressant, and if they are not too bad, you give them time to work. If you cannot tolerate the symptoms, you have to quit them. It took me a while to learn some pills are not magic. A long time I thought all pills were magic. The depression we are all going through is a natural depression from loss. "I am you, you are me" and suddenly 1/2 of that is gone. The 17th was 3-1/2 years Billy has been gone. Yesterday I thought, well, if it hurts so much just pretend he left you for another woman and get angry at him. After all, C.S. Lewis said "someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again" so I will make up my own. If you feel the depression is so bad that you want "to leave" then you might try another one. I went into antidepressants with the attitude they would help, but like I said, I was so far gone a sugar pill would have helped if the doc had told me of the miracles it performed. Do you know they used Tofranil to stop bed wetting. That was what it was used for first, antidepressant effect was noticed later on. (I will say I never wet the bed while on it.) Not all antidepressants have the same side effects, if you try another, don't read the side effects unless you start having something you cannot put up with. Did you know one side effect of penicillin is a black hairy tongue. After 43 years of typing all these symptoms and side effects, at the very last I typed a patient with that symptom. Another word salad. Just don't give up on things and suffer more than we already do.. 💘 goes out to you. Let us hear from you.
  25. Marg: Sounds like you have more than your share of challenging things...thanks for sharing so openly. I did start the Prozac, 5 mg, and by the seventh day couldn't tolerate it anymore. The very thing I was taking it for, anxiety, was terribly heightened, I felt restless, couldn't think straight, so had to go off of it. Obviously, I am sensitive to it. Doc said to wait a week and we would try something else. A little nervous, as that was terrible. I just want a break from this unrelenting anxiety I've had since the day my husband died. I will try one other; hope something works. I'm pretty med-sensitive, though. I'll let you know what happens.....hugs, Cookie
  26. Gwen I'll envy you your Cadbury egg, I have my A1C Monday morning so no can do. I don't remember George snoring, but I loved the soft sounds of his sleeping/breathing, miss it, it was so comforting to hear. Now I listen to my dog's breathing, which is also comforting as it means he's here. Johnny, that's hard. Surely you aren't the only one solo, did they not pair you up with someone?
  27. I'm sorry, I hope it gets better for you. It can take quite a while to adjust. I was young when my dad died too.
  28. kayc: Sorry to hear the Easter plans didn't work out. And yes, we are too often having to make the best of what our life is now. Dee
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