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  2. DebbieGD

    My heart

    Hi Lexi, thanks I've been asking for a honey bee. The next morning after HER passing I look out of the window there was a honey bee stuck on the window, I thought it was dead for the longest time, all of a sudden it's wing's started fluttering, I said is that you Buttercup, did you just get your wings? I've been asking for a honey bee, this morning one flew into my hand it crawled through my fingers, my hand and then flew on my face it crawled up to my right eye, it stayed there for a time feeling and then disappeared, I didn't see it fly away it was just gone. I pray that was her visiting me and letting me know that she's ok. I miss her so much Lexi tears, Im torn up inside. Hugs❤️
  3. Lexilou

    My heart

    There are definitely signs! Little messages. If you keep your eyes open and mind open, I believe we receive little messages from them. I just watched your little video with Buttercup in the swing. It was so sweet! He looked very content and looked like he trusts you completely. I know everyone says time heals, maybe it does. Idk I'm still struggling but its only been 2 weeks. I have so many of the same feelings you have. Grief is exhausting mentally and physically. We just have to do our best to get through it. Not that it will ever go away, but I'm hoping it becomes bareable at some point. Hugs to you❤
  4. Today
  5. Gwen, my son turned 58 on the 25th of June. So, you are close in age. His high school sweetheart was beautiful, her folks were our acquaintances, she was an only child, but she did not get the attention she needed, I guess, and at 16 was sleeping around for whatever attention she needed. My husband and her mother took her to the clinic to have an abortion. Scott was in the army and was not home. I knew nothing about it. He had "slept" with her and I "sort of" forced a marriage. They stayed together nine years, two babies. It was never a marriage and was something I should not have pushed. I could not stand the idea of losing a grandchild. She was more my daughter than his wife and in later years she told him she always wished Billy and I had been her parents. There were some hard years for my son afterwards as she remarried and moved the kids to the Pacific Coast. Bad, hurting times. Later on he found a young girl (I knew she did not have all her tools in the tool-shed) and they never could live together, but he had found someone who would not run around on him. I knew that was too innocent of him but again, after nine years one of his friends (and he was a friend) waited until Scott had broke up with this one, and he showed him the texts she had been texting. Twice burned, I hope he will find happiness. I know he does not trust, he is not looking, but know there is someone out there for him. Women are not that different than man. It still takes two. Although a close relative of mine admitted to being "bi" and she said she just thought she had the best of both worlds. Right now she is alone and will stay that way. Some things are not meant for me to understand. I do accept things I don't understand though and just live my life.
  6. DebbieGD

    DebbieGD

    Version 1.0.0

    2 downloads

    This is Buttercup, She will always be my everything. I Miss you baby so much.
  7. Yes put the report in go after him with all you got, do the best you can do, I know it's difficult but otherwise there will be other animals that are at risk.
  8. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so hard and I don't understand how these vetenerians can be so incompetent. I know exactly what you mean when you say she came into your life to save you, and now you are broken AGAIN! It's tremendous.I have a magnet on my car that says who rescued who, I haven't the heart to take it off. She loved to ride, one day when the car was in the shop and were staying with an x friend, she looked all over for the car. I assured her its just needed work and our home will be home soon. We lived in our car, you notice I said our car for 10yrs. and we were attached to the hip my best friend, my soul mate. I'm devastated by how I let her go, but I didn't want her suffering. A vet over vaccinated her and she ended up with tumors, then she had diabetes that took her down.Im having regrets not pursuing treatment but I didn't want her to suffer anymore. Living in our car we didn't suffer sure it was rough at times but we had each other, it was like when we'd move into an apartment she would mope until we went for a ride. The car was her first home and she loved it, we were so close. I'm so lonely and it isn't the same in the car, but I can't part with it either bc it was her home it was a part of her. I miss her so much. I hope your issues are better, I don't know what they are,but I truly believe she helped you in so many ways, and that you can be thankful for. She's with you and spirit and she will continue to care for you and be beside you. I know it hurts, I'm feeling it every minute of the day. Please stay here, I need you too Leila. Lots of love ❤️I'm so sorry.....
  9. DebbieGD, I am so sorry and sad you are feeling like this. I felt guilt for an extremely long time. I still go through guilt phases. I understand how you feel. Was your baby a cat or dog? I know cats can be fearful at a vet office. What exactly happened? You said her sugar went up. What happened during and after that time? You had no control over her sugar. I had a dog once before who got diabetes out of nowhere. I had to give him insulin 2x a day. That's something we cannot control. Please let me know what happened. I don't want you to go through the pain of guilt. It's an awful ride. I lost 17 pounds right after it happened. I got really sick. I have low blood pressure and it was borderline high for meds. Luckily I got it back to normal. I am still sad about my little guy, Parker, as you can see from my posts. I want to understand what happened to your baby, and what was her name? Please stay on this site and people here will comfort you. I've been here more than a year. I've met nice and understanding people. Tina - Parker's Mom
  10. DebbieGD

    My heart

    You are so kind kayc, I'm new on this this site ya know and I'm not the best at tech and this is a new phone I do not like upgrade they call it, down grade for me. Haha I'm sorry for your losses and glad you have a new puppy, you are a strong woman I commend you, this world is terrible and at this time we need no more disaster but we get them back to back would you agree, I don't want to promote negativity, ok I'm just sad lonely and mad at the world right now, I miss my Buttercup so much Everytime I say her name I brake down and cry. I well others thought you can get a another dog you know the tale, I hated hearing that it just angered me, but I couldn't right now. I'm hoping Buttercup is happy and in a safe place. Do you believe in signs, I just got one...
  11. DebbieGD

    My heart

    Think of you too huggs❤️
  12. Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream
  13. DebbieGD

    My heart

    That's I can imagine and I'm so sorry, I am here as well as others I'm so thankful I found this site, bc what hit me yesterday, I think maybe I found it purposely, if that makes any sense.
  14. DebbieGD

    My heart

    Oh my God I just now understood the part about the boxes I read it 3 times it's hard right now, I'm so very sorry for your baby, it was a freak accident and I can't imagine what you must be going through , it wasn't your fault, but she knew you had all the love in your heart for her and she loves you. I'm so sorry..I hope your holding up, I know how devastated you feel right now. She was a lot of fun wasn't she. It's a world of debilitating events, I don't understand why it keeps beating us down, it makes no sense.
  15. DebbieGD

    My heart

    I miss her Lexi I can't deal with this, she was my joy, I think of our memories but now im hating myself for letting her go she was very sick but I should have tried harder what have I done, will this guilt I'm going through ever pass. What have I done!
  16. TY I will look for that book I can function I can't eat I hardly sleep I'm in such deep sorrow my stomach feels nausea all the time. I shake im having panic attacks back to back. I love her so much I let her down I just know it how can I ever forgive myself .
  17. DebbieGD

    My heart

    We had such fun together, I wake up and hug her urn evevy morning you know I'm in tears right now, I should have done more for her, I just do want to go on why is God so cruel why doesn't he understand that I needed her in my life. I don't have anyone to care for now, God is cruel I don't feel her spirit it seems I'm hollow I'm a shell and a killer. I miss her so much why can't I feel her spirit. I see her in my head but I'm lost without her. I don't hear her, I can't touch her. Where is she.....
  18. DebbieGD

    My heart

    GM Lexi, thank you I'm so sorry for your loss of Lexi, I'm so hurt I feel like I let her down, she was the love of my life, I don't understand why God seems so cruel, bc her just doesn't seem to be there when you need him the most. I'm so lost without her. I let her down.
  19. I killed her I didn't try hard enough im so guilty, we had such a hard life but I didn't try to save her, she had tumors and her diabetes skyrocketed to 700 over night but I didn't try to save her I should have the vets seemed so negative I look at this now why didn't I try I miss her so much I'm so afraid of how she thinks of me now does she love me I want to die and be with her. I didn't want her suffering but I should have tried I hate myself .
  20. I saw it on the news, quite a tantrum, what a sight! I'm not into making a spectacle of myself like that! I suppose if she was younger she'd be one of the rioter/protesters.
  21. Yes, I got that. I've found it's one thing to be alone and it's entirely another thing to experience being alone AFTER having that person you're so close to! To have and lose it...that is so hard. But here I am again. This place used to be bustling, filled with children's laughter, then filled with love and caring, now...gone. The shell of a worn out old mobile home with a broke down old woman living alone. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?! Even neighbors my age have someone there with them... Yes.
  22. Tamara, I hope it was cathartic to you, I know it was brave and undoubtedly difficult, but good for you, I love that you left flowers there. I'm sure it meant a lot to him that you did that.
  23. Paula, I am so sorry that you also lost your husband! Mine had just turned 51 and his death was sudden, unexpected. I was widowed at 52. That was 15 years ago. I still love and miss him and he is ever on my mind. We were supposed to grow old together, but instead it's just me...alone. I am sorry your BIL makes you feel you have to defend your grief. Hold your ground. You should not have to explain or defend your grief to others, there is no loss like this! I'm also sorry people aren't calling, listening. A lot of times they just don't know how to respond...they either try to "fix it" which they can't, or they realize they can't so they do nothing. Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us...easier said than done sometimes, esp. in grief, but I've learned to speak up and tell them what's inappropriate and what would be better, what I need. I don't need them to fix a situation that isn't fixable, I need them to listen, care. Even if they can't get it...which they can't. I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it is of help to you now or later on down the road.... TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  24. I’m so stuck. I lost all hope of having a life worth living, again!! All of the support I had from others disappeared when they all passed away. The few still with me cause me so much pain. They only know how to take from me. Use me. Criticize me. Discount how I feel. I don’t know if it’s having borderline personality and severe depression that contributed to having complicated grief now. I can only try to ignore the thoughts that cause so much pain. Feeling any of it lead me to a very dark place and bad thoughts.
  25. I remember feeling some of the same things, at 52 I wasn't ready for my love and sex life to be over all of a sudden when my husband died! But...no choice. Now 15 years later I can honestly say I've learned to live without it. I miss him though, a lot. I think what I miss the very most is his holding me and us being able to talk about things. He was the most caring man I ever met.
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