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  1. Today
  2. Katie, I feel exactly the same even though I am approaching the one year anniversary of my dear wife Rene'e passing away unexpectedly in her sleep. We were married on Oct. 6th, 2018 and she passed away on Nov. 30th, 2018. I was totally and utterly devastated and I too know that a part of my being ceased to exist on that terrible day she was taken away from my arms forever. At first, I was in complete shock and did not have any notion how to keep on going without her. I am so very thankful for the good people who listened to me here while I was in my deepest throws of unimaginable pain from loss of the one whom I loved so dearly. I truly believe that reaching out and writing about what I was feeling helped me in ways I will never really know. I am so thankful to have a place to go where there is true understanding of what it means to lose the one love of my life. I am so very, very, sorry for your loss. I too never got to experience my first Christmas together with my wife Rene'e. All the things people say to try to make me feel better just didn't stack up to even begin to make me feel any better. What I feel helped the most is being able to speak freely about the way I felt without ever having to worry about being judged for it. I needed that more than anything. And, I still do.
  3. You are right. Since Rene'e died, I have not felt as if I have been in control of anything. All I feel I have left is loneliness until the bitter end. I just don't get it. Aren't we deserving of happiness just as much as others we see all around us? My God, why does it have to hurt so much and why isn't there any happiness left. Nobody wants to have to live out the rest of their lives alone. If we can't even find peace in sleep, what else is there out there for us? After all, we are still alive and in the world. Dammit, it's just not right. We are good caring and loving people.
  4. Yesterday
  5. So Much Has Changed: Managing Secondary Losses During the Holidays Live webinar November 20 | Noon–1:00 p.m. ET For many families, the death of a loved one brings not only tangible losses but also ones that are more intangible or “secondary.” These secondary losses can feel especially difficult during the holiday season, as families face an empty seat at the Thanksgiving table or changes in a cherished holiday ritual. Join Dr. Kenneth J. Doka to discuss how these losses impact one’s grief journey and some strategies for coping with them. Presenter: Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, TAPS Advisory Board Member Learn More
  6. Kevin, I don't know how you do it, but then the weather here is sometimes harsh too and about to start. You seem much too young for a seniors complex but maybe you mean one of those over 50 communities?
  7. kayc

    Living with Loss

    Years ago Arlie chewed the trim around the window in his pen, it involved seven boards, some which had some notching. I just had them replaced today and painted them. Arlie, you can come back and chew on them if you want!
  8. Katie, I responded to you in your other thread so I hope you'll read it. It's very hard to assimilate all of this, it can take quite a while, I think it took me a good three years to process it, so many changes it means for our lives. In the beginning I couldn't imagine a week without George, now it's been 14 1/2 years. Sometimes I can't believe I survived this long, I don't know how except taking one day at a time...and a lot of effort. Reading about grief, making effort to get out of my comfort zone, journaling, coming here, building a new network of friends, mostly widows, starting a grief support group in my little town as there was none. Everyone gets through this differently, I try to find balance, time with others, time alone at home. You will find your way through this, little by little. Feel your pain, sit with it, it won't always hurt this bad, our grief evolves as we make our way through it. (((hugs)))
  9. Katie, I am so sorry this didn't show up in my "unread posts" sooner but I'm glad to have found you now. I hope you will print out my "Tips" article above, they're all the things that helped me when I lost my husband and the years since. I feel your pain and anguish, it mirrors what I felt when I lost my George. I really hope you'll consider seeing a grief counselor. And keep coming here, we want to be here for you. It does help to express yourself like you have here rather than keeping it all inside. Is your daughter grown?
  10. Marg, I hate moving any distance ,but I agree with the having two sets of utilities and a slow unhurried move.......My next move will be at least 5 years down the road, maybe 10......(some type of seniors complex)....Snowing today so Christmas lights will be deferred till later....Take care everyone....
  11. I lost my dad 7 years ago and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I have a special birthday coming up and finding it so hard to deal with the fact he isnt here to celebrate with me
  12. Dear Katie, I`m very sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 5 years ago, a surgery that went wrong. Reading your words, they were mine at that time. Yes, a part of your very being has died, no sugarcoating this, but you will find a way to go on and live. How? I don`t know how, but you will do. I know I have, but I still cannot convey exactly how it happened. I look back and I can`t believe it. My life has never been the same. To live without the love of your life is painful, is unfair, is hard, is challenging. And it feels so empty. Same as you, we will never marry, never live in our apartment, never celebrate our Holidays, never parenting any child. Our lives are full of "nevers" and it`s painful to put up with them, to process the whole thing. Grief changes with time, yours will too. With time, grief softens, a lot, a little bit, as much as possible. I have been told so many times about living in my heart, feathers, sunsets, signs. I`m always perplexed at these affirmations. Even if it is true, they cannot compensate the amount of pain I have been through. They cannot compensate his absence. If God would show up, I would tell Him the following, I have repeated this tons of times in my head: "I don`t need you to explain me about your Plan, your Reason. If there is a tiny little peace of freedom in my soul, I use it to tell You that I don`t understand why, and even if I do receive an explanation I won`t ever accept it. He was taken away from me, from his family, from this life he loved, our dreams were destroyed before they were born. He lives in a place where he doesn`t belong. He may not suffer anymore, but I do. He is in Heaven, I am in Hell". Your daughter needs you. You have a reason to live. But you need to grieve too. Grief who is suppresed always finds a way to call for attention. What helped me was going to counselling. This is a safe place to express yourself. No judgment here. Come back to read and write as much as you need.
  13. Gwen, do you know what caused the damage to your nerves? My sister's journey following her fall and subsequent crushed vertebrae (three in all, very severe damage) took a full year of recovery, hospitalization, rehab facility, and her husband there to take care of her the whole time. I don't know what they expect us without husbands to do. But perhaps like Mary Linda suggested, a pain pump might bring you some much needed relief? I read your list of foods, gosh I'd be even blimpier than I am if I ate that...for in spite of what they say, it's not just calories, it's the types of food, I have to eat low carb, being Diabetic, and even then would not say it's under control. The future can seem frightening, so much out of our control. Including the threat of snow in the imminent future...starting Monday. Ugh. This is the time of year I wish I could go to AZ for the winter! But I'd be worried about what's going on here with my home I'm afraid. The storm last year made quite an impression. Johnny, unfortunately the sleep is too brief, I've been waking up at 3 am all week, can't go back to sleep.
  14. I am so sorry for your loss and for the following estrangement. That is particularly hurtful to you. Have you tried reaching out to your kids? Who do you think they are angry at? Would they consider grief counseling? It might be good for all of you if you haven't already. What help do you think your kids need? Not sure if you mean emotionally or financially or what.
  15. Wow, this reminds me of another thread I read, very similar. My advice to that person and also to you is, not to give up your career plans that you've worked so hard for. If it's meant to be, it will be. It sounds like you had a good connection and I know that's hard to find but perhaps once she's done traveling she'll consider meeting up with you...six months, even two years, may seem like a long time but it isn't in the grand scheme of things. It could be this is just somethingshe feels the need to do so I wouldn't try to hold her back from it. I'm sorry the thought of losing her just when you'd found her, hurts so much. You'll get through this. It also could be that the absence will clarify to her how she feels about you. You can't know unless she goes through with it. Do not beat yourself up about "bringing it up too early." You felt what you felt, you shouldn't be faulted for that. It's not like you're pressuring her into anything. You can't know her mind unless you talk with her about things, so she can't fault you for discussing what's on your mind. It could be the two of you are looking for different things or the timing isn't the same for both of you. Give it time, see what happens. Meanwhile, do not put your life on hold, continue your life even as she is hers. Wishing you the best.
  16. kayc

    Living with Loss

    Yesterday I drove the truck for the first time since Arlie's death. It was hard, I always called it "Arlie's truck" since he loved to go for rides in it. I gave him rides to the park until the last 1 1/2 weeks when he had no energy and wouldn't have been able to jump up into it. (One of the rocks I painted for him was of that truck with him in the back end.) My son mentioned to me that it's not good for it to sit too long and the gas would be going bad, so I finally made myself do it. I found myself talking to the truck/Arlie as I drove and got pretty choked up. Checked the oil, washer fluid, filled up on gas, washed the window & mirrors. It's ready for winter, which I see in the forecast we're getting snow this Monday. Why does everything have to hurt? It seems my whole life is affected by Arlie being gone.
  17. I'm so very sorry for your loss! I cannot imagine the pain you are in. I agree with the last two replies....in other words, go and speak with the vet. One would hope that such advice as euthanasia would not be given lightly. Perhaps a discussion would help you understand the rationale behind this suggestion and therefore ease your guilt. Perhaps if you have a friend or family member who could go with you that would be good...to have support and an extra set of ears (given how emotional the experience might end up being). Sending you much love. Dana
  18. Thank you- what do you mean by “maybe not ready to go all in”- I have tried to figure out what this means?
  19. For a finite time, each day while we sleep, there is a brief reprieve from the pain of such devastating loss. But, at the very moment of waking, there is the instant realization, the one we love is gone. It is so very difficult to find hope some days.♥️
  20. Gwen I have a friend that sounds a lot like you. She was in constant pain and worked as a nurse so on her feet a lot. She has had so many procedures to try to control the pain I probably couldn't count them. Several months ago the put in an interthecal pain pump and she said it is the first time in a LONG time her pain is pretty much controlled. You might ask if that is something that would help you. I'm really not sure which type of Dr put it in but if you need more info about it I could ask her. Also when you talked about Alladin have you thought about getting Disney+? It is 6.99/mo and has 5 different programs you can go in to. It has the old Disney movies but also new ones not in the theater. If things like that can soothe you it would be well worth trying and if you don't like it, cancel it. Can totally understand the eating thing. It had been several years after Tom died that I went to KFC and had to literally make myself sit there and finish my meal. Hated EVERY second of it. The only place I can sit and eat by myself is Panera and I think that is because when I used to go shopping that is where I would go.. At home we always ate at the table and now unless someone is here I never eat at the table. Only time we would eat in front of the TV was during the NCAA basketball tournament games and now I eat there almost every night. I have to say that I got an airfryer oven for christmas and it has been great because it is small so when I put food in it doesn't look lost and it is moist and tender. It took me 7 years to really want to cook again. I still wish someone else would clean up the mess. I hope you find some help before long.
  21. Hi. I am so very sorry to read of the complete and utter nightmare that you've just been through. It sounds truly traumatizing. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to watch your sweet boy go through that. Maybe, if you have the means, you may want to seek out a counselor who can work with you through this pain and guilt you're feeling. It may really help. I also recently had to put my sweet dog to sleep as she was having recurrent bouts of vestibular disease...and back issues...etc. it was very difficult and I have many moments when I feel so full of guilt and like I gave up too soon...all of the "what ifs". In order to help myself through the grief process I ordered a book called "the grief recovery handbook for pet loss" which I found on amazon. I will work through it and hopefully it will help. If not, I will seek counseling. I think one thing to remember here is that the health of your sweet Georgie was dependent not only on YOU but also on a team.of professionals...some of whom sound as if they didnt really know what they were doing. Believe me, from reading your story I can tel you you did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Nothing. In fact, you did the most loving and humane thing for your sweet friend....you chose to end Georgies suffering, even knowing full well that you would suffer horribly instead...that is the most SELFLESS act of true friendship and love....please try to forgive yourself for anything you are feeling guilty about. Its needless and only makes your grief worse. I read somewhere that guilt is simply our minds attempt to create a different ending to this sad story. Please take good care of yourself. Seek out support from anyone who you can rely on to give it...professionals included. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a wonderful, caring, most loving person and mother. You are not alone. Hugs
  22. Oh Gwen, It just breaks my heart that no one can find a solution to your pain. I suppose they could give you stronger pain meds, but that would just zombie you out to where you couldn't even drive or function as well as you do. Before the guys moved in with me, I also ate a lot of Stouffers and take out. I'd sometimes make a casserole and put little containers in the freezer. I haven't found a fast food burger that I like so just made my own and froze them. I already disliked the new bottom denture I got(feels like you have a wad of plastic in your mouth), so now I have a top one to contend with also. A few weeks ago my handcrafted top front tooth bit the dust. My dentist had made it for me and it lasted for years, but it decided to break off at the gum, so he ordered a denture for that and missing teeth. Had the rest of it pulled today and it hurts like an SOB. Like you, I'm so tired of things falling apart, but I just grit my teeth(the few I have left) and remember the day poor Ron had 13 teeth pulled, a power port and feeding tube put in and I think "What am I complaining about". We're supposed to get rain for the next 3 days, a rarity around here. We'll probably get a drop a day. lol
  23. Last week
  24. Hello, I'd appreciate your words of help. I met a beautiful girl a short time ago now. We had an amazing romance.. but i sensed she was holding back. Eventually i learnt that she was recently out of a relationship of 4 years duration. She has broken the relationship up so she could move states. Anyways, we had an incredible chemistry and connection, i never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone. But then she revealed she was going travelling 8 months from now, for a long time, maybe 6 months, maybe 2 years. I held off discussing with her specifics, it was too early, but at around 3 months i brought it up. A lot of this because she started treating me poorly, ignoring me a little. She suggested that perhaps i could come with her but we'd see how it went, she was open to distance. Around a week later i noticed she was beginning to be more distant. She could tell that something was bothering me. And so we discussed again. I said that as id have to do exams and there was no guarantee of a job id need compromise from her (to wait for me, or do long distance if it didn't work).This time, she said she couldn't wait for me (6 months later until i could come over), she also said she couldn't do long distance. There was this horrible sadness that afternoon, but we said we needed to reflect on it. A month later she texted me, saying that she was not ready to be with anyone, needed to be alone, that it was very early to be having the chat and i was into it more than her. She admitted she was only looking for something casual initially but then it developed further. I'm beyond devastated because i was in love with her. I'm also having to live 300m away from her. What tortures me particularly is she said i brought it up too early. Maybe if i hadve waited she may have changed her mind. Moving with her would've been bad for my career admittedly and tough to be away from my family. What also hurts me, is she spoke a lot of our future together, she introduced me to friends, took me to functions, but then turned around and told me she was not ready to be in a relationship. It burns so much and id appreciate your support, Regards, James
  25. In July 2015 my wife died of cancer. For reasons I feel I understand at some levels, I haven’t seen my kids since the funeral who are now mid to late 20s. I’m concerned their grieving got stalled at the anger stage but I am not in a position to help them.
  26. Pet Loss and Animal Communication: Suggested Resources
  27. To follow your referencing Karen, at the time things we accumulated were not all wastes. I know at is why they are so dismaying to see now as they were once things we used. Now much just sits with no purpose. Adds to how I feel inside. I notice it all the time when I go shopping, especially groceries. It’s like black and white now. So little is what I bought before when meals and snacking were shared. I so rarely use the oven or burners. Everything I buy is precooked now. My diet has suffered for it too. Steve drank Mountain Dew like water so I was always chasing the sales. Things to BBQ, bake, broil. Always a side and veggies. Now I buy premade sides like Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and divide them for 2 meals adding some canned chicken or peas. Bagels, bread and peanut butter are my biggest stock. Frozen dinners too. Even take out that was a treat is a 3 times a week thing now. Haven’t been to a restaurant since before he left. Rereading this paragraph is so pathetic. Food has become so lonely. We don’t have any videos. We had a recorder at one time but it didn’t stick. Albums have been abandoned years ago of real pictures. The world has gone so digital. It’s a huge deal getting actual photographs now. It’s all on phones now to send people. Everything I have taken a picture of is on my iPad. I can take videos on it too. It’s all so lonely too having no family now to share anything with. I was in the ER again yesterday. Long gone are the days they could fix me. Aside from why I was there, the attending doc told me a lot of my pain is probably perifiral nerve damage that could be permanent. The dreaded back surgery was a possibility to find out. The one that takes up to a year to recover from and brings even more limited range of motion. This led back to the ever present why. So I can be here alone and do even less? It’s coming to that anyway. Off to another day to try and wait out the hours to go back to sleep. It’s nasty with rain and cold. Trying to think of somewhere to go as not leaving the house is very bad for my mind. I get to make some phone calls. Mostly medical. One to my cold shrink. My new social network. Just warched the new Aladdin movie with Will Smith which is great for feel good when you are in it. He was the most powerful being on earth, but couldn’t bring back the dead. That line caught my attention when he was telling Aladdin the wish rules. Would have just slipped by pre widowhood. Babble over.
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