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  2. Dee, what is your husbands name? Either my brain cells are dying fast or I missed it.
  3. Yesterday
  4. Gwen: You're so correct when you say sharing here is so "consoling". Please know: Love hearing about your Steve. Dee
  5. Marg, used to have a physical,therapist, but the pain is too much for it now complicated with dragging oxygen around. Marita, this place is about the only place I can talk about Steve that doesn’t rip my heart out because this family understands and is so consoling. I get the from my counselors, and they do care, but the ethically cannot be friends and you pay them to listen. Love all you guys! 💕
  6. Gwen I wish you could feel better. I can understand that there are too many medical issues to allow you to try to live a less solitary life. The fact that you find it hard to talk about your husband to people who didn't know him definitely restricts your opportunities to find some pleasure. Do you feel ok about talking about him on the forum? I guess I might be a romanticist as I love to hear the stories about other people. Sorry for all your difficulties and your fright with the oxygen. 🙏
  7. Gwen, don't you have a physical therapist? If not, why? I talked to Amazon about keeping all Billy's books on my Kindle and why I wanted to keep them and she sent me the sweetest note. Billy had at least three people checking on him sometimes twice a week. I wonder if maybe you might be too young. I cannot act like I know these things because I am dumb as dirt, dumber. At least dirt grows things.
  8. Thanks to all for the support. I mostly feel I am losing all will to keep this up. The oxygen is the biggest change and having generator for it makes my house sound like a medical facility. I had to recharge my car supply. The walking pain is getting worse. It’s all about limits when I was on a path of trying to broaden my connection with the world. I think of things I could do that might make the upcoming holidays a little less painful then realize I have these limits. Lots of places need help holiday days, but I’m useless. I found that out already where I do volunteer. It’s true the old saying about having your health. I can donate money. It doesn’t relieve the loneliness or give me the warm fuzzies I got before. Visitors dwindling to social workers, a house keeper and medical supplier just adds to the weight of it all. What we all want us so darned simple. Our place in the world with love. That love only our partner gave us. A family member can love me, a long distance friend can love me, but without him/her, it’s never going to feel right again. Most of you have children. That’s not a guarantee, but you still possess a part of them you created together. Share different griefs, but have the memories stored in them too. There is nothing I find harder than talking about him to people that didn’t know him as a daily part of their lives.
  9. I feel it is too much personal information, but when my colon ruptured, I have outlived the horrendous byproducts of this four and one-half years. But, I have not outlived the results that it did to my body. Sometimes it will make me shake so bad, all over, I cannot go outside at all. I take a Xanax to stop some of the shaking, but I am not really having an anxiety attack, I am having a "body" attack. It happens at least once a day. My family finds it funny, the wall in front of my commode has all kinds of crosses, angels, and other paraphernalia that I just stare at during these (too much information) attacks. My sister wants me to go back to the doctor, so much has been discovered in those 4-1/2 years but I don't want to put this old body through the trials and tribulations I had to go through. I have people with me Gwen, so my heart goes out to you. In my case though, all those people that are with me have more things wrong with them than I do, so I am usually the one that has to be strong. I don't mind, just hope I can stay strong. And I hope you and my other friends that go through so much more than I do, I pray you can stay strong also. And sometimes I know the answer is "who the hell cares if I am strong or not." We, the invisible, we care.
  10. That garage sounds like a growth opportunity for some lucky contractor. Or as we were always told, we were building character. I worked with general contractors and a concrete contractor for awhile when I was young and some of the things they did lol. I hope this next person gets it fixed right. You deserve a time when you can breathe and relax and not worry about things. I know that even though I have a hard time sometimes that it could be much worse for me so i should be gratefull to be where I am. In a way its kind of funny how life can be. Funny=odd. This is nothing like what it was going to be. Now is preparing for the end phase and honestly I wonder if the things that i've held up as so important really are anymore. It seems I need to relearn life and whats important. Abd retrain as a person. Change is challenging but also rewarding. My dad turns 92 tomorrow, he said no presents, lol oops too late. He will have cake and a couple presents and he can watch football. I think the Vue people got mad at me because I kept suggesting the software was ancient and clunky and needed a rewrite. They couldnt understand so it had to be me. It was a good software when it worked and I miss it but life keeps changing. Test I think on Oct 10. Either pass and start studying for the 902 or fail and retake in a month. Take good care of yourself and thank you
  11. Gwen, It sounds like a very hard and frightening night! I'm glad you made it through it, and hope you can catch a nap sometime today...here's to a good night's sleep tonight! Yes, it is indeed hard growing old alone. Most of my widowed friends have supportive family nearby, I do not. It makes a huge difference. What you are going through is very hard, I hope you get a reprieve sometime soon!
  12. Katie, Your road is indeed very rough, but you are doing it, day by day and your children will rise up and call you blessed. Sending you much love and prayers, Kay
  13. No apologies necessary! And this is very relevant, there's a lot of widowed that are interested in finding someone.
  14. This is very concerning. I do hope you will call a suicide hotline rather than taking your life. 1-800-273-8255 I also hope you will read these articles, they put into words better than I could. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Loss is very hard and grief hard to bear. I lost my father in my 20s, my mom just four years ago, my husband 13 years ago, way too young, and have lost many friends, pets, and other family members. I have learned to coexist with my grief. I have learned to continue in the face of grief, to smile even while carrying that deep sadness. I can't begin to express to you all I have been through on my grief journey, but I can tell you that in the beginning I didn't see how I could go on, how I could live...given time and counseling, coming here, reading books and articles, art therapy, journaling, I have learned that grief evolves, it doesn't stay in the same intensity that it began in, it gradually, as we begin to learn to cope and adjust, begins to settle into something more easily carried. Gradually the thoughts of them change from one of pain to one of comfort and encouragement as we remember them and how they were with us. To know they are proud of us, that we will be together again and this time apart will vanish...but not until our life is complete here. They are not gone, but merely transitioned into what is next for them. It sounds like they had their share of pain and struggles here, but they are past that now and await you when your time has come...which is not yet. For now I hope you will reach out for help, make an appointment with a grief counselor today, let them help you through this, learn how to do life on your own and find beauty in it, no matter how small, nothing too insignificant to count, learn to live in the present and appreciate what is. These are the things I've learned on my journey, it doesn't happen overnight, nor will I say it's easy, but it can happen if you let it, if you are willing. Meanwhile, come here, express your pain, your anguish, there are no right or wrong feelings, only yours, but know that feelings don't always tell the whole story, feelings are not always rational, they aren't always the best guide, sometimes they're to be contended with, Lord knows I've had my share to! We hear you, we acknowledge your pain, I just want you to know there is hope as long as there is breath. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
  15. How frightening for you. Pray today you are resting and feeling stronger. Even tho I have a son and daughter, can't reach either one quickly at any time. Recently tried to call my son for some help and his cell phone would not take anymore messages. Had to text. Was not a dire emergency like yours, but reminds being so alone is not easy. Take care and rest. Dee
  16. kayc

    Goodbye to my fur family

    Marita, My heart hurts for you, I am literally sick to my stomach because I do know what you mean. Just as I was told people would take me camping with them when George died...I haven't been once. And as for the horse, I can't afford to own a horse, when I was married years ago we had one, but that's a whole long story of someone swindling us out of our horse. I can only say maybe karma will visit, at any rate, we're told all our wrongs will be righted one day. In more recent years, I fell in love with three horses down the street. One had dreadlocks, not as a fashion, but because his owners didn't care for him. In all his years here, no one rode him, no one brushed him. I felt so sorry for him. He was so sweet. My dog and I walk every day, twice a day, we'd walk to where the horses are and they'd come running up to the fence. They loved getting treats, apples, carrots. They also loved the attention...the grey one loved getting rubbed under his chin. I wished they had the masks to keep the flies out of their eyes like other horse's owners get for their horses. But alas these owners only visited once a week, briefly. I guess they thought all they needed was some food thrown out for them once in a while. Last year about this time, I gleaned my crop of apples from my trees and walked down to give them some...and they were all gone. Reno, the headstrong one, Ashley (I named him because they didn't give him a name) the sweet grey one, and Chance, the shy one. Gone. I found out they took them clear across the state to their daughter's ranch. I will never see them again, I didn't get to say goodbye, they didn't get their apples. Arlie and I were heartbroken. I remember Rino and Ashley giving him a kiss, they'd lean down over the fence and they'd touch noses...Arlie wanted to be a horse and run with them. When he was a puppy (albeit a big one) he got loose once and got into their fence, it was a wonder they didn't step on him! But they weren't easily spooked and very gentle and patient with this crazy dog. I'll always miss them and hope they are doing better on their ranch and can only hope and pray that their daughter is a better horse owner and does something with Ashley's dreadlocks. I pray they get brushed and attention. It's so hard, these goodbyes. I've lost so many pets since George has been gone...Tigger, King George, Chappy, Lucky, Skye, Miss Mocha...it's hard with each one. And now Kitty is 23 and hasn't much longer here, and Arlie too is facing old age. Sometimes we feel we can't handle another loss. I pray where Scout is going, he is happy. I know your heart is broken. (((hugs)))
  17. My mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's and Leukemia but that was the least of her problems, she had full blown Lewy Bodies Dementia, stage 4. The other things were hardly noticeable alongside that. I will wait on the paint for a while, I have more pressing problems. The person that built my garage should have never been allowed to construct anything! It was built wood on dirt and is rotting in the back, the plywood is bowed out but the construction person said it's because the support is rotting and it's sunk down, causing the bowing. He's going to give me a bid in January as to what can be done with it, it may have to be jacked up and pierblocks placed under it, anyway, that'll be my next thing to deal with. It'll be a relief when it's all done. THEN I can focus back on the house again. Always something! It seems the house and myself aged at the same time! Don't you love it...when someone else doesn't understand something, they call YOU stupid?! You have to chuckle...if it wasn't so frustrating!
  18. Last night my oxygen machine failed. The emergency number was useless. Had to wait til today to have it replaced. It was a fearful night dependent on portable tanks. The new one today was defective also. Fortunately I got a working one and made it to (ironically) my pulmonologist. The emergency service ramped up the anxiety so much my Xanax even waved a white flag. so hard to be alone. Don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Only know 2 people that have lived without a partner and these speed bumps just rattle their cars, they make mine fall apart. I can’t help feeling I have a target on my back. Yes, things go wrong, but so many lately. Really has me wondering if I will ever adjust to growing older alone. I have run out of his dialogue. It’s been years and all I have was what he used to say in jest. What would he have come up with in the last 4 years? I miss his quick mind and sense of humor. His reactions to things only I see now. I don’t know what he would say anymore. I hate I bitch about things now instead of telling him so there was feedback. Another lonely night like so many others with some added reality of being alone in a medical emergency. I know I’ll be calling for him again when I go to bed. No amount of time will ever make that feel tolerable.
  19. widow'15

    Goodbye to my fur family

    Marita: So sorry to hear about your sadness. Animals are such treasures. I hope you will find comfort in knowing how much your being with Scout must have meant to him. When my daughter was growing up she always wanted a horse, but living in the city it was not possible. During her teenage years she did have friends who had a horse who would invite her to ride. You sound so much like her with your love of horses. This past month, some friends of my daughter and son-in-law are boarding a pair of horses on their acreage in Oregon. She is in heaven caring for the horses and despite her back problems was able to take a brief ride on the gentle horse. My heart goes out to you. Dee
  20. Widowedbysuicide

    Goodbye to my fur family

    I'm sorry they are gone. The pictures are beautiful. I bet they gave you some great memories 🐕
  21. enna

    Goodbye to my fur family

    I do not have a picture of Buttercup (the early 50s) but here is Benji and Fred ~ Both are in Rainbow heaven now... Benji (a Schipperke-Poodle) was my rescue dog and Fred (a Beagle was our granddog...my heart still hurts.
  22. Widowedbysuicide

    Goodbye to my fur family

    Thank you for the perfect image @MartyT. It speaks the truth. And @enna, thank you too for your understanding. There is just something about a horse that is magical and I will use that. I'm glad you have other fur babies to love and be loved by. Animals give the true unconditional love 🐕🐩🐱🐎❤️ Do you have any pictures of Buttercup or your current fur family?
  23. enna

    Goodbye to my fur family

    As one of many horse lovers your post brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear this coming from your broken heart. I remember how much you loved your Kachina. I have no idea what it cost to keep a horse today but my heart hurts for you. Scout sounds like a wonderful horse. You have every right in this world to be disappointed and angry. When I was growing up I had a horse named Buttercup and I loved him. We were too poor to keep him and a neighbor bought him from my father. I was lucky to be able to ride him for several years after that. Coming from a small town horse riding was something many of us did. It was a different time then. Buttercup was the first animal I can remember ever really loving. We had dogs and rabbits and farm animals but they belonged to everyone. I loved being able to ride Buttercup for a few years after he was sold and then we moved to a city. My most favorite memories were when I was in fourth and fifth grades when my two best friends and I used to ride whenever we could. After sixth grade, I took up dance. I threw myself into dance and became an average ballet dancer. After I graduated from Point I broke two bones in my leg and was not able to continue dancing so I decided that playing an instrument was safest for me. I played violin in the orchestra at my high school. I was never very good but enjoyed those years. When I became an adult and living near horse stables in AZ I spent many hours with horses belonging to others. My last riding took place back in 2002. Arthritis took over my body and I could no longer ride. For years I spent time visiting a stable near me just hanging out with the horses whenever I could. This satisfied me but when my beloved Jim became ill I was consumed with caring for him for over five years and could no longer visit the stable. I do understand the pain you are feeling. You have every right to “feel” sorry for yourself. I have had two very special furbaby dogs. One was my granddog and the other was a dog I rescued. I understand a broken heart. I have always felt that my rescue dog found me after Jim died. I send you hugs to your broken heart.
  24. MartyT

    Goodbye to my fur family

    My heart hurts for you, Marita.
  25. My dear, I am so very sorry to learn that you've lost both your parents when you yourself are so young. You are neither lost nor broken, even though I've no doubt that you are feeling that way right now. But feelings are not facts, and what matters is what you DO with what you are feeling. Let these feelings of jealousy and anger motivate you to get moving, and use them to energize you onto the path of hope and healing. This is way too heavy a burden for you to be carrying all by yourself, and with all my heart I urge you to get yourself to a qualified grief counselor who can support and guide you as you find your way through all of this pain. Please take time to read these articles, and then take a look at some of the related ones listed at the base of each: Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief? Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You
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