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  2. MartyT

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
  3. Hi Generic, I echo everything KayC has already said. Having been a griever myself, feeling isolated and lost in the world, and then a few years later the dumpee of griever (what brought me to the forum). It is important to understand that it is not you, it is him. In my experience, nothing I could've said or done for him would've changed his mind about us. I gave him space when he asked, checked in on him, did my best to be understanding and be there for him when he asked, but, in the end none of it mattered because he cast me aside like our relationship never existed. You cannot force him to bend to your wants/will, even if you're doing so out of love. There is no timeline for how long this could last, but I will say that you cannot expect your relationship to be the same after something like this, even if he does come back. This is his way of dealing with hardship, and it should be noted that this behavior (especially coupled with the drug use) could be a sign of more serious, deeper issues. And you are correct that it is not healthy for you. Please, do not wait around for him to come back and do not believe that sticking around for him during/after such neglect will be some sort of reward or prize that he "chose" you, or that he will even be grateful that you waited for him. He may come back to you, but you will always have that doubt that he may run off again, and that is not fair to you. You said that you are only 29 and have been together a few months. You deserve better than to be an afterthought behind drugs and unhealthy behavior. It is not valiant, noble or praise worthy to subject yourself to such cruelty at the hands of another under the guise of love. I understand wanting to love a person through their bad times and be there for them, but if they are not allowing you to be their rock during a rough time, then there is nothing you can do. You have to love yourself enough to know when to walk away and do what is best for yourself. You're not much older than me, you have your whole life ahead of you still, please do not waste it waiting around for someone who doesn't already appreciate you. I personally would not be accepting of a person who felt it is appropriate to use drugs/substances as a coping mechanism for their problems, as those issues are personal and have nothing to do with their relationships. I implore you to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who so willingly and easily throws you away when times get tough, and why you want to stay with someone who feels its appropriate to resort to drug use to help them cope. That is not healthy for either of you, and could begin a cycle of enabling and co-dependency. Just an observation from a girl who has been in a similar place, and who has had experience with addicts. --Rae
  4. Today
  5. May the love you have for your beloved Gracie and Noah shine forever in your heart, dear Katie ~ and warmest congratulations on the newest little one about to enter your family, soon to be filling your arms with brand new daughterly love. You are in our thoughts and prayers . . . ❤️
  6. Thank you Kay. Allen and I are so aching for our Gracie right now. My mother heart misses all our angels. But Gracie’s and Noah’s are really stinging to me. I still feel so responsible for Noah’s not wearing a helmet and his accident. And I couldn’t keep Gracie healthy. She was our rainbow 🌈. And now Ryan is. And in Dec. Riley Grace will be. I can’t wait to have a new baby to hold and have Caleb love on. But right now our hearts ache. 💔😢
  7. kayc

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Beautiful, I love Pine trees, my favorite! Patty looks well rested here, I'm glad you got some time away together! Happy Anniversary, hard to believe it's been a whole year!
  8. I understand what they're saying, but there is no perfect answer because there's no perfect move. In other words, if he's going absent on you, there is NOTHING you can do about it. Contacting him more can be construed as pressure and can be more apt to cause him to make a final break. While it's possible he'll feel abandoned if you're not contacting him, it's also not likely if you are taking your cues from him. I have read each and every post in the threads in "Loss of Love Relationship" section and when you read them all, you see a pattern. You see Griever breaking up and Partner doing everything known to man to be there for them, give them space, show interest, etc. and no matter what they do, they're damned if they do, damned if they don't. In other words, grievers can be very thin skinned and sensitive and their perspective skewed and they can find fault no matter how perfectly we try to respond to them. I would say respect his wishes, take your cues from him. Understand there are no guarantees your relationship will survive intact. If/when that happens, realize it is him, not you, seriously! He hasn't made a clean break as of yet but it looks like he's headed that way, you can't know for sure, but it looks like the usual pattern. Don't appear needy or make any demands on him right now. On the other hand, this is a hard position to be in and no relationship can survive totally one sided for long, so understand that if you need more out of a relationship, it may be time to move on. I say that not because I don't care about the griever, but because I've seen too many of them enter their cocoon to never emerge to their partner and it ends up that way anyway and because I know how important it is for you to do what is ultimately best for YOU. Grievers can be incredibly self-centered...I can say that because I have been a griever, I've seen much grief and I'm not trying to put down grievers, it's merely an observance of what happens when loss occurs, their world becomes in-drawn out of necessity, they're scrambling just to survive and they have nothing to give, nothing, they're are bereft emotionally, barely functioning. As usual, you can't attribute this to everyone or every case/situation, it's an observance of many, that's all.
  9. KATPILOT

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Thank you Anne and everyone of our friends here. I wish I could describe the powerful and emotional time our three days off were. It sure has been a while since we woke up on our own without that 4 am alarm. Being in a cabin on a mountain could not have been more peaceful and rejuvenating.
  10. Hi KayC, Thank you so much for responding and those resources are so helpful. One question I have that I have gotten feedback from a different grief forum is this: I am hesitant to reach out because he doesn't respond much, doesn't really reach out to me very often at all and I feel like I'm pestering him. We haven't spoken in a week because I felt like I needed to give him space but all the members of the other group have said that no matter how frequently or infrequently he responds it's important to keep checking in on him so he doesn't feel abandoned by me when he needs me the most. That he may just simply not have the energy to respond but it still means a lot to him for me to show that I care. Do you think this is also the right move? I'm just nervous about pushing him further away...
  11. enna

    Significant Quotes

    "When we are thrust into exile, we are suddenly flooded with the backlog of unfelt feeling. This is why it can seem like one heartbreak joins with every other heartbreak you’ve ever felt in one mass of insurmountable grief. And though we may want nothing more than to distance ourselves from it, I believe we are being offered a chance, through the opening grief makes in us, to rehabilitate the relationship to our instinctual creativity. In exile, away from the hungry mouths and grabby hands that crowd in on our lives, we have a chance to come into conversation with our wild self again." Toko-pa Turner, excerpt from “Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home” (belongingbook.com) Artwork by Lucy Campbell
  12. I know. I felt lost for so long...now I just feel alone.
  13. I wouldn't do anything for a couple of years at least. Make sure it's for the right reasons, not just to run away. You can't run from grief, it finds you anywhere you go. If you get rid of her stuff before you're ready, it's permanent and you'll regret it. The only one that moved that I saw it was right for them was Marg and that is because she's nomadic anyway and had other family things going on where it made sense. She wasn't running away from triggers. We all have the triggers to face, and it's part of our grief process. It's good to let yourself feel your pain, cry, get through it, it's part of the process. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html You also have your children to consider and they might need the continuity of staying put for now. I'm not saying never, I'm saying it might make more sense to hold off a while. In the end, you are the one that needs to make this decision as you're the one living with it. Perhaps if you explained a little more about your thinking. Also realize that our thinking is affected greatly by our grief, so that it's hard to think straight the first few years. What Gwen shared expresses it aptly.
  14. This might help you some: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html http://griefhelp.webs.com/know-someone-grieving A certain number of people withdraw or break up with their partner when grieving, it's like they can't do a relationship at the same time, all their focus is on their grief. It affects a person greatly, making it hard to think straight, hard to function. Grief doesn't have a definite ending, but it evolves. It changes the person going through it. It would help him if he'd go to a professional grief counselor. Also, men and women's grief looks different. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html
  15. For context I'm f/29 and he's m/32. I have been with my SO for a few months and we were in a pretty serious relationship to the point where we were planning on moving in together. Then one day he kind of dropped off the radar and I later found out it was because it was the first anniversary of his father's passing, which I already knew, and he kind of started to spiral out of control. Now he's doing drugs frequently (mostly weed but sometimes coke) and telling me how much he hates doing them, that he's never really enjoyed doing drugs and doesn't know why he's doing it. He's been cancelling plans with me and apologizing profusely for that but is just kind of stuck in this tornado it seems. He said that I was one of the very few people he's let into his life but that he doesn't really know how to handle that, that it's not healthy to drag me down into his sadness but he said even me offering to help meant more to him than I could ever know. What I'm trying to figure out is how long something like this could typically last? I've been fortunate enough at 29 to have not had to go through the grieving process (knock on wood). Of course I know that it's a silly question and it's different for every person so something like a timeline is difficult to predict, I'm just having a hard time watching the man that I love self destruct from the sidelines and I don't really know what to do. Thank you so much for any help.
  16. Hi there i was having normal periods ( had missed 1 or 2 ) when my 21 year old son suddenly passed. I had a lot of bleeding on the plane getting home to him and my daughter and then I never bled again.. it’s now 14 months no bleeding so I was shocked into menopause for sure!
  17. No truer statement can be made.
  18. I was wisely advised not to make any major decisions for at least a year if not longer. Moving would not have. Stopped the pain. I would have had to sort thru his stuff I was not ready for. The pain is within us. But. This is your path and I hope if you do decide to move you talk with someone trusted all that would be involved, especially at this most traumatic time. The only changes I made was to rid the house of all medical supplies from treating the cancer and all pictures if him when sick. I wanted no memories of that time because living them was enough. There was grief work to do and that was all consuming no matter where I was.
  19. You can never do what you want to do because the person that was "home" is not there anymore. You cannot make them be there. He left me in Arkansas, so Arkansas had to be avoided. (For me). It is still avoided except when I have to go back for some reason and I cry a lot, if I am by myself. But, I had to get back to "home" where we grew up, our schools, kids schools, all the graduations and births, old friends. It had to be "home" because Arkansas was a horrid place, he had left me there. Anyhow, I could not take care of that big house and acreage and did not want to. We had been planning on leaving......together. The RV was sitting in the big area out beside the house. We did get to spend some nights there but it never left the drive. The point is, we were planning on leaving together and he just left without me. (We knew about leaving, we had been retired for years and tried to leave, family made that improbable). So, I left. Moved back to Louisiana. He is not here. Family takes up all my extra time. Aggravated me at first, now I welcome it......most of the time. Nothing works the same for everyone. My neighbor had a triple level home her husband built. He was a contractor. He passed away. Social Security sometimes does not take care of everything you need taken care of. She still has not left it about eight years later. You stay where you feel the best you think you can feel, or you leave to try to make it better. I cannot say it does not get better because people make liars out of me. The thing is, I, we, us, she, him, them, whoever, we do the best we can. Some people find other mates, sometimes it just happens, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it won't. It is your path and you will make the best of it you can. I left very soon after Billy left. I don't look back. He is not there........or here either. But, as sad as that sounds, you still are in shock, heck, I think we all mostly are still in shock and it has been over 1000 days for me, arithmophobia aside. You cannot take anyone's recommendations, like I said, it is your path. I think we are all here so that you can see we still live, some differently, but just the best we can. Today he would have been 78. I wanted to help him get to at least 80. All of his family passed away (I hate that word "died") in their early 70's. Mine all lived into their late 80's and 90's (the women), proving only the good die young.
  20. Yesterday
  21. Rahn, welcome to this sorry club. I try to just share my own experience and not give advice but I have to suggest not making any big decisions in early stages. It's an importanr question. I've stayed. Why? For one thing, I've been in so much pain that taking on a major project like moving seemed overwhelming. For another I'm a total creature of habit. Susan always said "🐼s hate change". On the emotional level it's very mixed. Our home is like a shrine to Susan. I literally have that in the bedroom where I set out some pictures and mementos for my meditations. In addition, everything on the wall or in a cabinet, every piece of furniture, the plants, the rugs, remind me of her. A lot of the art is by her sister including pictures of us. The curtains in our bedroom are from her college dorm! When they sold their parents house she got a lot of things. The chandelier in the dining room is from that house. We did 2 major renovations and most of the ideas, even the shape of the spaces, are hers. I see her counter top, I see her backsplash, her cabinets. Susan was the Cookie Maker and I see her cookie making things when I open a cabinet. I could go on but you get the picture. Furthermore every brick in the sidewalks of Beacon Hill and many local establishments are memories too... The question is, are these warm happy memories or do they bring the pain of loss. Currently it's mostly pain. My grief counselor tells me they will become happy memories. I'm unconvinced but willing to wait. The other point is that this is a great place to live. Susan loved it. I would joke that maybe we should move and she'd go NOOOOO. By now I've taken trips to some places we never went together. The absence of grief attacks triggered by memories is noticable. Then when I get home the memories rush in and an attack hits. Then I think maybe I unnderstand why people move. This is very personal. People constantly tell me "you can do whatever you want" and I say "I don't know what I want". Hopefully your path will emerge over time. Best wishes, TomPB
  22. Yes. I wrote the card and got a fruit tart with a candle like we always do and set out a plate for Susan. I sang happy birthday and we made our wishes. I wished that Susan would come to me more and she wished that I woud enjoy my life. Then we blew out the candle together. Yesterday was so beautiful that I took off for our favorite summer place, Ptown. Perfect beach day and enjoyed it but every sailboat coming in made me think "that should be us". I am so lost without her.
  23. My thoughts are with you today, sending you hugs!
  24. Last cake bought at deli July 20, 2015. He would have/he is 78 today.
  25. Polly, oh my goodness, that looks awful and so sorry this happened. You both are in my thoughts and prayers that she recovers quickly. Hugs
  26. Polly, your pictures of the accident are horrific (in the Living with Loss section). It's a miracle she lived through it! My heart goes out to Nicole, wanting her dad. I wish she could have him. Praying for her, for you too.
  27. Rahn, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and mother of your children. Everything changed for me in an instant when my husband died, it was unexpected and he had just had his 51st birthday. I still don't sleep in our bed and it's been 13 years. When people say it gets "better" what they mean is the intense pain from the beginning lessens and we gradually begin to adjust to our new life, not that it's ever the same or what I would call "well". Our grief doesn't have an expiration date but it evolves, little by little. I'm glad you have your children, mine were grown. This is a good place to come to, it helps to know we are understood and our feelings are validated. We all "get it" here. One day at a time is how I've had to live these last 13 years and will continue to live the rest of my life. Sometimes like George (I praise Him) shared, we have to break it down into an hour or minute, a day even seems too much, especially in the early grief.
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