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Changes I'm Making


enna

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Anne, I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your grands!  How old are they?  It makes me "can't wait" until mine is a little older!  :)  As it is, she is trying to crawl and she is only three months old!  She has cognitive development that shows she takes after her dad and smiles that take after her mom, I can't wait until a week from Saturday when I get to see her!

How is your weather doing there?  I'm building a fire to take the chill off, the weather went from the upper 80s to 60 overnight!  Nights getting down to the 40s...Fall is here!

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Dear Anne,

I really enjoyed hearing your happy heart, and I'm so happy for you.  Your happiness warms my heart.

Kay, it hardly seems possible your little one is three months old!  I'm happy you'll get to see her soon.

Carrie

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Carrie, Yes, thank God for Facebook!  I get to see pictures and videos all the time of her, so it helps since we're so far away.

Anne, hoping you're resting.  You too, Carrie!

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During those early months after Jim died, I was sad all the time and that was just fine with me. It took several years before I could have happy moments. Today, I have a combination of happy/sad in my life and that is how it will be for me from now on.

It is not my sadness that keeps me connected to Jim. I believe I am connected to him because of the love we had for each other ~ and still have.

Tom Zuba says it best in the following quotation:

 

connection remains.jpg

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I couldn't agree more, Anne.  

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I don’t usually recommend a book here, but Francis Weller’s book The Wild Edge of Sorrow became available on September 16, 2015. Mine came in the mail today and I have to limit myself to only a few hours of reading at a time!  ha

“Tis a fearful thing

To Love

What death can touch

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

Love,

But a holy thing

To love what death can touch.”

 ~a twelfth-century poem

The link below comes from WisdomBridge. It is the preface of Weller’s book that speaks for itself. I’ll let it tell the story. This is gripping my soul and I wanted to share it. We will forever have grief work to do so I’m hoping to learn something from his book. 

I really believe that we become more sensitive to everything around us after we have suffered a great loss. 

http://www.wisdombridge.net/the-wild-edge-of-sorrow-an-excerpt-from-the-preface.html  

 

 

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I'm so glad you added Francis Weller's book, Marty. Your Grief Bibliography is a treasure of excellent readings. 

The thought below had meaning for me as I'm sure it will for many of you.

    Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.

    The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the shore seems miles away.

    Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, “WHY?”

At times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story.
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.

Please, will you walk beside me?

~ Jill B. Englar


" Abstract Rainbow Landscape" painting by Deanne FloutonThe Far Side of the Rainbow's photo.

 

 

 
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for me too, Anne. But now that so much time has gone by for others I don't think anyone around me wants to really know.   Jan

When you say “I don’t think anyone around me wants to really know” I understand this because today we are led to believe that there is a time limit on grief. Those of us who grieve know that this is not so. I wish there was a way to let those in early grief know that everything they are feeling now is perfectly normal. I wish I knew how to tell them that their grief will always be with them ~ only not as intense. I wish we did more "communal grieving" as was done in the past. I think coming to this forum allows us to sit with our grief and not be judged for how long it’s been with us. It is a form of communal grieving.

It is the way with grief. Some even try to put a % on how much we grieve.

I believe that we can’t measure our grief by cuts in a pie.

I hope you have seen Francis Weller’s new book The Wild Edge of Sorrow because  he talks about the five “gates of grief” and I think you’d like his approach. I posted his Preface above. One of the things that struck me is that it’s not healthy to grieve in isolation.

Some of my thoughts on Weller’s Preface include these: 

I also believe that everything we love we lose – it can include our pets, the things on our earth, our loved ones, actually, any living thing

I believe that if we don’t face our past life experiences and come to terms with them we are not fully grieving ~ it’s like refusing to accept who we are ~ unique and beautiful human beings.

I believe that it is our responsibility to help care for those who can’t care for themselves, to take care of the earth as best we can and to be fully present to those whom we come in contact with while on this earth

I believe that we are not here to isolate ourselves from what took place in the past, but rather to learn from the past and do something about it

I believe what Weller believes and that is to start bringing our grief out into the open, to not be afraid to sit with those in grief and to allow whatever time is needed to grieve.

I believe that we cannot truly heal in our grief if we remain hidden from others and are not willing to come together to share our sorrows. I believe our grief will always be with us and that we will carry it to our next level of existence (I’m not saying Heaven because I don’t know what that means.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I have just finished listening to Belleruth Naparstek's Meditation on Grief, which brought me to tears. I hardly ever cry but if I could sit with you in body I know I would. Francis Weller's book doesn't come out in the UK until October but I have ordered it through Amazon. My friend, whose husband has recently died, is going through early grief and maybe I can help her whilst at the same time checking in to my own. We inhabit a changed world now don't we? Everything looks different to me. I seem to be too closely connected to the sadness of the world and yet still not able to express my own as I would want. And Pete seems so very very far away. Is it like that for you?

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So many of us who have been on this grief journey have expressed how much Belleruth's works have helped us. 

Jan, dear friend, you have mentioned how hard it is for you to cry. In grief, we do not have to cry. It does not mean that you are not grieving hard enough!  The fact that some things move you to tears means to me that you able to cry IF the spirit moves you. I have no doubt that you will be able to help your friend who just lost her husband. Being present is, in my opinion, a beautiful way to help someone. 

Our world is indeed changing and I am concerned that the change is not for the better. We are a part of the earth and this means we have a responsibility to care for it. You are doing this in the UK in your little hamlet. Others do it when they travel to far off places and bring awareness back to us. Each of us does what we can or we should do what we can. You would have smiled at how serious my Nicky was when it came to taking the recycle things to the bin. Each day he checked the counter to see if there were things to recycle! Not bad for someone who is almost seven. 

Our spouses still have a very special place in our hearts where they live now. Their physical presence may grow dimmer but in reality they are ever so close to us. Oh yes, there are times when I get that numbing feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I'll forget Jim's sparkling eyes. I know I never will, but I still panic every now and then. 

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I know I carry Pete within me as I believe he would carry me if the situation was reversed. In fact it sometimes helps me to think about if the situation were reversed though I'm so glad it's me that bears the pain and not him. Yes  I shouldn't be troubled that I've not shed floods of tears. I know I've bottled them up because Pete isn't here to hug them away. As he always did if I was upset, oh Anne how we miss them! And know that having reached this plateau it probably won't change much.

yes Belleruth is very good. I've tried other meditations on grief and the voices sound synthetic to me. Kind of young and uplifted. You feel they could never know what it's like to be us. But Belleruth is different.

dear Anne. I love your posts.

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Anne,

That poem is beautiful.  Yes, there is no expiration date on grief, unfortunately.  I will grieve until the day my Big One will put his great arms around his Little One and say, "You're home at last, Little One."

 

Jan,

I feel the same way, I am glad it is I going through this and not George.  I care more about him than anyone and would not want him to suffer.

Yes, Belleruth has a calming voice to me, Ilike his meditations.

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I'm so glad you are getting Francis Weller's book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Jan. 

Things we learn on grief paths ~ 

When we lose someone we love, we lose a part of ourselves as well. Oftentimes, our grief can propel our emotions into unfamiliar territory and force us to feel something we've never experienced before. Grief is a difficult journey. It is important we are very gentle with ourselves and acknowledge that it really does take "one day at a time".

We Need To Talk: Living With The Afterlife
A true story by Lyn Ragan & Chip Oney
========================

We Need To Talk: Living With The Afterlife's photo.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Triggers for me during the holidays ~ they always come but no longer as thunderbolts

Thanksgiving Day ~ your favorite holiday ~ forty years together and grateful for family and friends

Facing my 73rd Birthday without you ~ I miss the surprises ~ our last one when we drove over to San Diego and did some whale watching and dined on some of the best seafood ever

Our 42nd Wedding Anniversary ~ it would be if you hadn’t left this world in 2012 ~ I loved being married to you. I would do it all over again.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ~ Holy Days and always a time for the kids and helping others

New Year’s Eve ~ reflections of the past year and our future for the coming year

It doesn’t change. Every year the memories come flooding back. As much as I try, the reality is you are gone and I am still here. This Holiday season will be no different than ones in the last three years. My Thanksgiving table will have fewer people around it. My birthday will come and go, our wedding anniversary will no longer be celebrated as it used to be, Christmas will still be difficult for the joy of shopping for just the right gift for you no longer is, and New Year’s Eve remains so sad for the memories of your absence always remind me that we once lifted our glasses and marveled that we survived yet another year and then talked about what we’d do next year. Forty years went way too quickly. We still had so much to do.

However, today is a new day and there have been many changes for me. As I reflect on the last four years without you helping me to celebrate the holidays together, I can’t help but express a deep sigh ~ one of both gratitude and sadness. Gratitude because I’ve been surviving this emptiness without you and sadness because I know I’ll have to keep on living my life to its fullness until we meet again. I have no doubt about that.

I have grown both older ;) and spiritually. My values remain the same, but my focus on what is important has changed. I am more in tune with the sorrows of our world. I recognize that we are still not accepting that grief is a communal necessity that will help us along our journey. It is important to know that we need to be surrounded by other humans who can be there for us. We need others to show us that life matters. To practice, self-care prepares us for a greater adventure in being able to care for each other. When we open our souls to those who are struggling or care for a helpless animal or be concerned with what’s happening in our environment then we begin to understand our place here on our earth.

Some technology is fine, but it is important to know that we need one on one communication ~ we need to put down the iPhones, iPods, laptops, and whatever technology tool is in our hands and look at someone and ask them how they are doing and mean it. I think we are losing the art of communication. I have yet to feel the same way I do when I sit with another person and talk with them face-to-face rather than texting them. Virtual hugs are fine, but there is nothing, I mean nothing, more comforting than a hug ~ lasting longer than twenty seconds. I have come to love Skype when talking to my grandchildren who live in another state. I can see the excitement in their eyes when they talk about something important to them. I love it when they kiss the computer screen and tell me to “sleep tight” tonight. There is nothing wrong with emails or texting but it warms my heart when I talk to someone on the phone.  I like to hear their laughter as they share something funny. I like to hear in their voice if something is bothering them.

I am much more aware of life around me since Jim died. I see things differently. Feeling the breeze on my face when the wind picks up after a storm, watching a hummer feeding on flowers, listening to a woodpecker tap on a tree trunk, seeing flowers open up on a cactus, noticing the leaves as they change colors, watching a child eating French fries for the first time, seeing a person smile when you make the first move and say “hello,” and so many other things that used to pass me by.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my Jim may be away from me in the physical sense, but he is definitely around me in all the things here in my world now.

I do not have advice for those in early grief, but I believe how we survive will depend on the work we put into it. There IS such a thing as “grief work” and if we open ourselves to the acceptance of what our situations are today and be willing to do the “grief work” I have no doubt that we will survive. Others have done it before us and others will do it after us.  

 

 

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Oh Anne, this is so beautiful and so true. I've only read it properly once and shall set time aside to read it again but I wanted to say thank you for sharing it. I too am a different person since Pete died, a more feeling empathetic person I think. I feel more pain, not only for myself but also for others. I also appreciate what I have left (which because Pete was my centre) sometimes seems little but is in fact much). I'm able to enjoy a cup of coffee, my porridge, walks, wine,  my dog in a way which is highlighted by the ephemeral nature of these things. I take nothing for granted. I feel pain (emotional pain) more and I grieve every minute, sometimes in the foreground sometimes in the background. I'm trying to believe that instead of Pete being nowhere he is everywhere.  Sometimes I succeed. An awful anniversary is approaching for me. On 7th November four years  ago ( how could it be that long?) Pete was struck down by the stroke. Such an apt word. And in the May following, he died. The 7thNovember   is when our happy happy world came crashing down. But he would be proud of the way I've survived even though at times I haven't wished to. Anne, your situation mirrors my own. I'm not able to write about it with your grace though. 

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Anne,

That could be written by us as well, as it expresses how we are feeling, we who travel this journey parallel to you.  And I might add, you do a great job of being there for others.

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Sometimes it's just our faith...

Loneliness is a difficult reality of being a widow. It just is.

Once I truly identified loneliness for what it is, embraced the difficulty of the emotions and allowed the salty tears to roll unashamedly down my cheeks; THAT is when my healing began. I cried out to God and He answered me with the truths found in His Scriptures.

What is your favorite Scripture verse God has used to reassure you He is with you?

One of my many favorites is Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Lori Reynolds Streller

www.awidowsmight.org

 
A Widow's Might's photo.
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I was lonely for so many years before I met my wonderful wife.  we were blessed with almost 26 years together and now we are apart. This is exactly what I'm struggling with... the loneliness of every day life without my wife. We were one and now it feels like none. Shalom

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