Shock and Awe after 1 year

[Margm]

Kay, Billy was for gun rights, and I am not against them.  But, I have a congenital tremor that becomes more pronounced when I get scared.  A gun in my hand would shoot myself in the head or foot.  I have pepper spray but would like to have bear spray.  I guess I could just as well blind myself.  No solutions.  We have never been broke into.  If they did they would take a look at my house and figure someone had already broke in and leave.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, don't know if you meant to, but your above post gave me my laugh of the day.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I am famous for hating housework.  I meant it for truth.  My mama called me Moonbeam McSwine, a character from Little Abner (probably before your time), a girl who lived with the pigs.  My mother-in-law only had one bad thing to say about me and it was that I was no housekeeper.  I thought I was doing pretty good if that was the only thing bad she could say about me..  I have a son and granddaughter that have my clutter habits too.  I am paying for it all now trying to get the clutter out of this house to move..  

[kayc]

Margaret has an ability to make people laugh, I love it.

[MartyT]

I do, too 

[Guest]

So nice to live in a crime free area.  I rarely bother to lock doors during the day while I'm out walking.  We haven't had a break-in in the neighborhood since I moved here.  Did have one gal leave her purse in her car overnight and the car unlocked.  I found the purse and wallet in my driveway the next morning; cash was gone but credit cards were there.

[iPraiseHim]

Another interesting Day.  After working all day, I called my estimate to confirm the meeting for six pm.  She told me they decided to clean the home but forgot to call me to cancel.. I called my Dad to see if his keypad for the security system came in.  It had just arrived and my Dad asked me to come over and help him install it.  My sister and her husband was over to help Dad pickup materials to cover the two windows that were broken. 

It was a good thing he called because the "simple" instructions didn't work so I called the alarm company to get the keypad installed.  Then I found out that my Dad installed the back door entry latch incorrectly so the door never latched shut.  So I fixed it for him while my brother was helping him with covering the window.  We are noticing that my Dad is showing signs of frailty and gets frustrated very quickly now.  He misremembers events and his thoughts get jumbled.  It has taken all three of us to figure out the whole picture. 

There still needs another window to be covered and a garage side door needs to be replaced and refitted.  I work tomorrow but off to help my Dad on Saturday/Sunday to get his home secure. My Dad is losing his strength and stamina and He is very humbled by it.  I will be looking into a wireless camera recording system as well.  I still need to get several of my tax forms, paperwork and taxes paid by May 2. It has been a busy, full, and humbling week.  

I have been thinking of my wife, but there is not much time to ponder and process grief this week.  I sense that something is brewing but I haven't faced up to it.  This time feels like ROUND TWO for grief.  Last year the grief was so intense I could hardly breath or grasp anything.  This year I feel sort of numb and yet detached like I'm watching a video of my life as I'm living it.  I am grateful I can still work, and produce an income to take care of my needs but life still feels half-empty.  I used to be the glass half-full guy.  I am sure some of this is just not getting enough rest.  I am looking forward to getting away for a few days in a couple of weeks to the mountains to relax. I need to get some sleep now.  Shalom - George 

[kayc]

George, maybe you can ponder this a bit more after you get your dad squared away and taxes finished...you should like you're in for a busy weekend!  

Yes, life can feel half-empty, to say the least, when we're alone.  It just meant a whole lot more when we had that special person to share in everything with.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

This time feels like ROUND TWO for grief.  Last year the grief was so intense I could hardly breath or grasp anything.  This year I feel sort of numb and yet detached like I'm watching a video of my life as I'm living it. 

That is what is happening to me this 2nd year.  I certainly felt the grief last year, but I was also so restless I was knocking off put off chores and tasks that had been neglected for years because of Steves illness.  Now that those are done, I don't know what to do but wade thru the days watching life happen, but not connected to it.  I see me walking around in the world as an observer.  It is like an out of body experience.  And like Groundhog Day, it just keeps repeating day after day.

[KATPILOT]

 

I absolutely love that movie.  When every morning he would wake to that same Sonny and Cher song and realize he was seeing the same day again, well, I feel the same.  Every morning just as the first one, I wake with the same realization that she's gone. I wonder when it's my time if I'll wake up with her next to me and pinch her arm to see if it's real. If you could choose how it is when you die, that would be my wish. Oh yeah, that would be heaven.

[KATPILOT]

7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

  I need to get some sleep now. 

George I hope you did get to sleep. Grief alone is exhausting work and when you have to take care of others, it makes you more tired. Always remember to take care of yourself first for you can be of little help to anyone else if you don't.  For what it's worth, I felt during my second year that things were worse than the first. This is not uncommon in grief.  You will find a day when you see yourself getting stronger but for now rest when you can and that goes for your mind as well.  I know what it's like to see your father deteriorate after you have lost your wife. It's hard, very hard.

[iPraiseHim]

After working today, I spent another evening with Dad, Sister & BIL. I was so tired but he asked for help and said they were going to buy the door.  My Dad tried to get a door(size 32X70)  but was told he would have to special order it.  I went out to the back garage door to asses the situation and help him measure.  The door is actually 32X80 ( a standard size) so we (BIL & Me) went to the store to pick up the door, hinges, and lock.  It was dark by the time we came back. So I will have to return tomorrow to help install it.  It is hard to see my father slipping like this.  He was so confident before.  He set of his home alarm this morning because he heard a loud noise in his garage and ran out the front door.. forgetting to disarm the system.  I know he is overtired. My Dad is so humble and thankful.  I have always been confident that he knew what he was doing and capable of handling life.  I realize this past couple of weeks that he needs are gentle but persistent prodding to do what he would have done years before. 

I am going to sleep in and get some much needed sleep ... no alarm.  I will go over later when we are all three there to help my Dad.  I still have all my paperwork to get finished this weekend. OneI day at a time... one moment at a time.  Shalom - George

[iPraiseHim]

Gwenivere , and every one who is going through this...

I started reading a book called Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Vicki Panagotacos.  I just finished the first chapter and I connected with the writing.  There are many questions and suggestions that I realize I have already dealt with like, doping with feelings of self blame and guilt, anger after death, death, writing your completion(not farewell) letter. Powerful exercise and that is chapter one.  So far, I recommend the book. I found it on AMAZON  Shalom - George

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, George.  I will check it out.  Sleep well.

[Margm]

I ordered the book for my Kindle and will start it after Monday night. Thanks.  I keep having very intrusive flashback triggers everywhere I go in this house,, this town, Hot Springs, and I would die if I had to go to Little Rock. I am not complaining, I am fearful.

[mittam99]

George, thank you very much for the book suggestion. Sounds like a must read for those of us trying to find our way in this new life. 

[MartyT]

Thank you, George. I've added your recommendation to our reading list, here: Grief Bibliography 

[kayc]

George, it's so hard when you begin to realize your parent no longer thinks and operates like you've known them to.   I'm glad you'll have some help putting up the door today and hope you have plenty of time to get your paperwork/taxes done this weekend.

 

[iPraiseHim]

I had a great night sleep, got some work done in the morning and gathered up some more tools to head over to my Dad's. My energy level has really improved the last few days with using a new Greens drink in the morning and I juiced some vegetables to keep my energy up.

Success!  With my brother-in-laws help we did get the reinforced steel garage door hung, the deadbolt and entry locks installed and we moved and reactivated a door sensor for the alarm system.  I was also able to encourage my Dad to  block up the den window that the thieves busted and broke in.  My sister came to supervise the job and give her input ( because she knows how to install doors... lol) My Dad allowed us to install it for him.  He seems more relaxed and feels more secure now.  He is even carrying his cell phone around with him all the time. We came over the last four days to get his home secure.  He does seem to accept the fact that he is not quite as lucid as he was.  When I asked him what was his perspective about his children being 60 years old , he started talking about my brother who died at age 50 in his sleep.  He talked more about it tonight that he has ever shared before.  When I called my Dad to let him know I got home he said, " I hope I can see you tomorrow".  My Dad has never said that before.

As I was driving home and started to grieve about my wife... I am just really missing her presence.  It is nice to live fairly close (30 minutes) to help my Dad and my work is flexible because I own the company. I still need to get these taxes done though.  I only have two more day until they are due.  I am also realizing, I need to step up and get healthier to get my house in order so I don't leave this world with tons of work for someone else to clean up and sort through. Grief definitely makes me look at life differently.  Shalom - George

[Margm]

27 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

I am also realizing, I need to step up and get healthier to get my house in order so I don't leave this world with tons of work for someone else to clean up and sort through. Grief definitely makes me look at life differently. 

Amen

[kayc]

George, it sounds like you had a very productive day and I'm glad your dad is more secure now...and even more expressive to you!  Still hoping you get your paperwork done tomorrow so I can quit worrying about you!

[Cookie]

10 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I had a great night sleep, got some work done in the morning and gathered up some more tools to head over to my Dad's. My energy level has really improved the last few days with using a new Greens drink in the morning and I juiced some vegetables to keep my energy up.

Success!  With my brother-in-laws help we did get the reinforced steel garage door hung, the deadbolt and entry locks installed and we moved and reactivated a door sensor for the alarm system.  I was also able to encourage my Dad to  block up the den window that the thieves busted and broke in.  My sister came to supervise the job and give her input ( because she knows how to install doors... lol) My Dad allowed us to install it for him.  He seems more relaxed and feels more secure now.  He is even carrying his cell phone around with him all the time. We came over the last four days to get his home secure.  He does seem to accept the fact that he is not quite as lucid as he was.  When I asked him what was his perspective about his children being 60 years old , he started talking about my brother who died at age 50 in his sleep.  He talked more about it tonight that he has ever shared before.  When I called my Dad to let him know I got home he said, " I hope I can see you tomorrow".  My Dad has never said that before.

As I was driving home and started to grieve about my wife... I am just really missing her presence.  It is nice to live fairly close (30 minutes) to help my Dad and my work is flexible because I own the company. I still need to get these taxes done though.  I only have two more day until they are due.  I am also realizing, I need to step up and get healthier to get my house in order so I don't leave this world with tons of work for someone else to clean up and sort through. Grief definitely makes me look at life differently.  Shalom - George

George:  What is the greens drink?  I've been interested in that myself...thanks, Cookie

[kayc]

Mine is Kale, Celery, Applesauce, Banana, 1 tsp Lemon Juice.  I drink it every day and what a difference!

[iPraiseHim]

Cookie, It is called "NANOGREENS 10".  It supports Healthy Immunity, exercise recovery, energy regularity, and detoxification.  It was recommended by my doctor. I Take it with 1 cup of "KEFIR" ( found in the yogurt isle, a natural probiotic) I ordered it on AMAZON.   It has a great taste and I notice I have more energy and in a better mood.  I also have adrenal fatigue and low thyroid function.  Most common cause of adrenal fatigue is chronic stress over a period of time.  My wife was disabled the last six years of her life so I was her caretaker and sole provider. apparently my body has been stressed a long time. I was paying more attention to my wife's health and frankly didn't really notice.  I thought it was just part of aging. 

When my allopathic doctor recommended I take Synthroid for low thyroid and a statin drug for high cholesterol (178)  I did some research and found out that if I took the drug (synthetic) it would destroy my thyroid function. Low thyroid function causes higher cholesterol.  I have always searched out natural alternatives to heal and restore the body rather than just manage the symptoms (KNOW THE CAUSE). Low thyroid function is a result of low iodine absorption. So I found a easy and not invasive way to treat the problem.

As I read and study I am learning that 60-70% of my immune system and mental function is from our gut.  The food I  eat the water I  drink, the products I  use,  etc.. all affect me.  So gradually, step by step, I am changing those thing to be healthier and more vibrant. I am also starting to exercise more even though I have a moderately physical job. 

I discovered  that low thyroid function and adrenal fatigue are related.  The number one stress in peoples life is the death of a spouse/significant relationship.  So I've sought out a natural doctor to teach me in these natural areas.  I believes doctors are great for diagnosis and testing but synthetic drugs, chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery is not always the first option or the right option if I can be healed naturally (in my humble opinion). Therapeutic Essential Oils have also helped me {ROSE, LAVENDER, FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, PEPPERMINT, etc.. ( I am not a distributor) .  I hope this helps you.  Shalom - George

[brat#2]

George, you are so right that grief makes you look at life differently.  I'm trying to do the same thing, get the house in order and paperwork, so no one else has a real hard time with figuring things out.  I guess it is different when you are the last one of the household and know that it's not going to be your spouse that has to deal with the paperwork, etc.  Good luck on getting your taxes done.

Joyce