Shock and Awe after 1 year

[Margm]

Well heck, I love brownies but they will no longer let me have chocolate.  

[mittam99]

You're right about the muffler, Kay. If it's simply "falling off" and not corroded or something, a couple of new hangers should do the trick for a couple bucks. George, even if you have a shop do that, it should be relatively cheap.

[brat#2]

George - sorry your birthday wasn't what it used to be, but it did sound like your family tried.  We use to always go to our favorite restaurant for our birthdays other than that not much else, but that was enough because we were together and celebrating each other.  I know how hard it is though to not have your special someone with you on your "special" day.  Happy belated Birthday and hope next year will be a little easier.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[KATPILOT]

Happy birthday George. I'm sorry I missed it last night. Birthdays don't mean so much to us anymore but they seem to have a big importance to all of us here.

[iPraiseHim]

My car (Toyota Camry) sits low to the ground, and the muffler has a very tight clearance.  I have replaced the muffler twice because the spot weld they put on it to hold the hanger corrodes or vibrates off.  I'm thinking it might have been done by Midas last time which means it would have a lifetime muffler warranty. I will need to check it out.  Also there is a fuel injector problem that the car coughs and sputters at low speed. I smell gas during those times.  If I turn off the A/C and put the car in neutral the car idles better. Today, the temps rose to 87 (Heat wave on east coast ) So driving is fun.

I visited my Dad after a home cleaning today and he was pleased to see me. (I just saw him yesterday).  I think he is lonely and enjoys eating a meal together.  My Dad said he wanted fish again like we got a month ago.  I'm sure I looked puzzled because I didn't remember eating fish from Hardee's and my Dad doesn't like fish.  He said it a second time and I figured out he wanted the "Three piece chicken snack". So we ate fried chicken (It's still my Birthday party).  I worked on his computer to update the drivers to protect his computer.  This will work for any windows computer search : Slim Drivers.  It is a free program that scans your computer and tells you what drivers need to be updated.  This really helps any computer to run better.  My Dad's computer needed 9(nine) updates.

He has Windows 7.  The Windows 10 update keeps trying to install itself. The WIndows 10 FREE upgrade is until July 29th, 2016.  After that it will cost you $129.99.

So I used this program called " GWX_CONTROL_PANEL" ( also free).  This program turns off the forced automatic updates that Windows 10 is getting famous for.  So My Dad's computer is now protected.  Around July 20, I plan to go ahead and update his computer to WINDOWS 10.  Once it is registered, you have up to one week to switch back to your old program.  Dad's is Window 7)  The reasoning is that it takes about two years for the Windows 10 will operate efficiently and effectively. 

I am in better spirits right now. The emotional pendulum has been swinging all day.  I am reading the book, The Tender Scar - Life after the death of a spouse by Richard L. Mabry. I found it on Amazon.  It is a good book, direct and insightful about dealing with the realities of life after your partner dies.  I am going to get a couple of them for my Pastor or anyone I know who grieves the death of their spouse.  Shalom - George

[iPraiseHim]

I have no work scheduled until Tuesday.  It is unusual, because I usually don't take off for holidays. I work whenever I can get it. My plan is to take my car to a repair shop on Wednesday to get the needed repairs done.

I finished reading the book, "The Tender Scar - Life After the Death of a Spouse" by Richard L. Mabry.  I highly recommend the book especially for the newly bereaved. I realize I have traveled further on this grief journey than I initially thought.  I like the part about not building shrines to grief, avoiding a self-centered outlook, and changing your way of thinking. there are many more great topics in the book that are easy to understand and apply.

I hope everyone can find enjoyment this memorial day weekend. And spend a moment in  thanks for  those dear souls who fought and  died for our freedoms so we can enjoy our life in the United States.  The families of the deceased grieve  just like us for the sacrifice they gave.  Comfort the afflicted.  Honor the dead.  Shalom - George

 

 

[iPraiseHim]

My sister's surprise birthday party went well.  She was truly surprised and never suspected it.  I didn't feel like going but knew she would be disappointment if I didn't.  Everyone had a good time. Today my sister invited me to her home for a cookout today and I was having a mental debate because I would rather stay at home than drive an extra hour just to eat a meal.  After thinking about it, I decided to go because it is another opportunity to get together with family and not eat alone. 

It is amazing how my feelings dictate what I think I want to do but upon further examination I realize what I really want to do.  I just need to overcome some lethargy.  I slept 10.4 hours straight ( not waking up during the night)  I have been struggling with sleep lately.  I have work tomorrow. It's been 67 weeks, 469 days since my wife died.  In looking at the stats, I realize I could survive one more day without my beloved.  I don't always "FEEL" like it but that's okay for today.  I have been going through another down cycle wave emotionally lately but  I know it does not define my life.  I just miss my wife. It's part of this grief journey I have come to accept. 

I think there is something to the nutritional/health aspect as well.  I stopped take my vitamins, greens drink, and other supplements and I notice my negative moods increase.  There is something to this body health, gut health, sleep, water, foods, that affect me as well.  Tomorrow, I will end this experiment and go back to what helps me feel better physically and emotionally.  Shalom - George   

[iPraiseHim]

My emotions have been all over the place. The darkest feels like an undertow into the blackest of deep grief for which there is nothing to grip on.  In those times , I go into a protective mode and just try to brace myself for the bumpy ride.  I like to post when life is going well, but it is more difficult when it does not.  I know though, that it is best not to hide from this group or myself because nothing is resolved or learned from it. 

At church, my wife's favorite song was played, " It is well with my soul"  It's difficult to cry, weep, sing and praise all at the same time. Sometimes, my grief seems almost as intense as the first few weeks as the full realization that my wife will never return in my lifetime.  It is still painful to say, write, and know.  I am sometimes able to push myself to do those things I don't "FEEL" like doing.  There is a continuing battle that rages on.  I need to learn to want to do the things I need to do to grow on this grief journey. 

Each of us needs to find what works for us.  The beauty of this group is the variety of people who share their experiences and we can try to see if it works for us.  Thanks for sharing not only the positives but the not so positive experiences to help the readers understand that you are not alone.  Shalom - George 

[kayc]

George, I deliberately included "It is Well" in my husband George's funeral.  It was my statement...I wanted people to know that no matter what is going on in life, it is well with my soul.  Sometimes we don't feel it, sometimes we know it on faith, but it is the practicing of our faith, that exercising of our faith, that grows that statement within us, It is well.  Yes we cry, yes we sometimes feel the darkness, but I say to you, in the middle of that darkness is when we can find it the most...it is well.

[iPraiseHim]

SUCCESS!

After five months (5 phone conversations) of persistence and diligence, my insurance company has finally reconciled my account and credited my account with ($380). Consequently, I will be paid up through November.  Also, The Fit Bit device which was supposed to be sent out on February 18 was finally done.  I finally reached a compassionate soul who looked over the account and could clearly see the error and fixed it. I should receive it within a week. Yeah!!  Small victories.  I am still fighting the blues but I just keep moving forward even though I don't feel like it.

I did pick up a new home cleaning account that I will start cleaning on Saturday and will be cleaning every two weeks.  I am working on growing my business a little more before I strive to hire another person again. 

I have much to be thankful and grateful for and I do better when I focus on these things and do what I can each day to move forward.  I still miss my wife.  It is hard to adjust and accept reality as it is and not what I would like it to be.  My joy left when my beloved died.  It is difficult to see beyond that fact today. I press forward to learn what this life lesson is teaching me. My faith teaches me there will be good that comes out of this.  Maybe to help another person going through grief.  Re- evaluate my goals and motives.  My dependence on God for my breath, my life, my existence, is what sustains me.  "Father knows best". It is easy to fall and falter. The challenge is to get back up and keep trying, keep pursuing, keep striving... even when I don't FEEL like it.  Shalom - George       

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

My joy left when my beloved died.  It is difficult to see beyond that fact today. I press forward to learn what this life lesson is teaching me. My faith teaches me there will be good that comes out of this.  Maybe to help another person going through grief.  Re- evaluate my goals and motives.  

That is my struggle, too, George.  Since we cannot go back, what do we do now with this new found emotion?  We will certainly be able to relate to others when it happens them, that is a given.  But there has to be more to it.  I want there to be more to it.  I don't want to keep looking back seeing this produced nothing but pain and emptiness, even tho that is his it feels now.  I don't expect to ever adjust totally to life without my husband.  That will never happen after being entwined for so long.  I wish I had your faith I will see him again.  That is my biggest fear and not knowing if he knows how much i love him still and wondering if he can feel the same towards me.  2 very simple things that would ease my mind do much, but I cannot know those things with absolute certainty.  

[Margm]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But there has to be more to it.

Gwen, when I am able to get off this "moving Merry-Go-Round" I hope to look for "more to it."  I remember making pies and there were four of us.  Okay, we could and would eat 1/4th of that pie, each of us.  Right now, I would settle for a sliver of the pie, just a sliver of time where I could read (and comprehend what I am reading), just a sliver of happiness, just a sliver of being happy for other people.  My mind sometimes, and this is no exaggeration, would be so happy  with that padded room, no responsibilities, and just the time to color on the walls.

Addendum:  This has to be the twin to my wanting to go to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas and hide the truck behind it.  You see, I know I cannot worry those people that care for me, but if I was in that padded room, they could just bring me new colors from time to time.  They would at least not have to worry about where I was or what I was doing.  My daughter even offered to bring me the Sharpies and colors.  They are fine with me going nuts, they just want to know where I am at any given time.   

[Gwenivere]

Marg, this is the best I can do about slivers.  ?  I need some of that light too.

[Margm]

Hey, I will take any sliver I can get.........thank you.  Breathe, live, walk.  I think I will buy some knee pads, for some reason I keep hitting my right knee and I sure don't need knee or hip problems.  We got it girl.........whatever "it" is.  

[mittam99]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

Right now, I would settle for a sliver of the pie, just a sliver of time where I could read (and comprehend what I am reading), just a sliver of happinesess...

Marg, I'll tell you what...

At this point many of us would welcome the occasional crumb or two of happiness. A sliver would be sublime. A slice would be unimaginably decadent.

[iPraiseHim]

I read several books searching for answers to life challenges.  I have always enjoyed reading and learning as my Mom always encouraged me to learn and grow.

This grief journey has been especially troublesome and life encumbering. Some days up and some day down and some days sideways.

I have been wrestling with "Feelings" what are they and where do they come from.  It has been a theme in several of my posting on here.  I know to just feel them and move forward.

In my You Tube searches, I came across an interesting video that intrigued me. I looked up the author and found she wrote a book called, "Stop Saying You're Fine" by Mel Robbins.  Although I don't agree with her evolutionally premise, she has made some interesting points about how to move forward. ( Not a Christian Book)

 

I would not recommend for those in the initial stages of grief.  I would not have been ready to hear this message then.  Her language is crass for me but I am willing to learn.

I decided to stay after worship service and attend one of the Sunday School classes.  The Theme of the class is "The Gospel in the workplace" .  But I found out it was not about evangelizing.  I was able to sit through it with wanting to just run out and leaving. 

I also recently read the post that MartyT gave about the One Fit Lady.  I found it interesting that people would try to take away her title of Widow just because she decided to remarry and be a Wife. 

I know not to put restrictions on myself and limit what God wants to do.  I can not imagine yet wanting to date, or get married.  I am just trying to live each day as fully as I can. Learn and grow with Christ.  Shalom - George

[Gwenivere]

21 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

"Stop Saying You're Fine" by Mel Robbins.  

II found it interesting that people would try to take away her title of Widow just because she decided to remarry and be a Wife. 

I love the title of the book even tho I haven't read it.  I'm so tired of parroting that phrase because it is engrained.  A few times Inhave answered honestly it stuns people, they don't know what to say.  A little thing I do for myself that feels good sometimes.

i hate the word widow.  People always ask me why and all I can say is because I am still married, but he's not here anymore.  V never cared for labels, so having it thrust on me makes me kick back in defiance.  If it were my idea, it would be different, but it's not.

[kayc]

I agree (I love the title) because I don't think we should say "fine" when we aren't.  

I have a friend who was widowed and remarried to someone else who was also widowed, I think of them both as widowed AND remarried.  The thing is, they don't forget or stop grieving, and the good part about their relationship is they both want the other to be comfortable talking about their spouse, they still have pictures up, they still honor them and the relationships they had with them.

I started to watch The Color of Rain...big mistake, I've not only seen it before, but it's got way too much in it...painful.

[Margm]

People ask me how I am and I say "Not worth a damn."

[Gwenivere]

You did it again, Marg.  Found the perfect reply.  

[mittam99]

When people ask how I'm doing I just answer, "hanging in". No way I'm going to say I'm "fine" when clearly I'm anything but fine. I'm just not a good liar. 

[Gwenivere]

I try that 'hanging in there', but it seems to still imply we are doing OK.   If only there were words to describe this that people could understand.  

[Margm]

I told you Gwen, if they ask how you are doing, look them in the eyes and say "not worth a damn."  If you want to be nice to them, as you are walking away just say "I'm really having a hard time of it."  Nothing wrong with telling the truth.  And, I guarantee you if you tell them "not worth a damn" then they might not ask as often.  I have gotten so witchy in my old age.  That is one thing I like about being old, you can get by with saying a lot you could not get by with being younger.  I love that poem about "When I get old I will wear purple."  I am not sure how it went but I like the whole intent of the poem.  

[Gwenivere]

I'm gonna do it, Marg!  Why should I care if people don't know how to react?   I figure if you ask, prepare for the truth sometimes. Lord knows I have had people tell me theirs.  My turn!

[KarenK]

I learned a long time ago that most people do not really care how you are and that answering anything other than "fine" throws them off kilter. They are not interested in hearing about your problems. Many years ago, I had a supervisor who had a perpetual smile and always asked "How are you doing?". I could have answered with the worst tragedy and she would have replied with something like "That's good, dear". False, false, false and I can't stand being called "dear". It makes me feel very old and I'm not caught in anybody's headlights.