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If You're Going Through Hell


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Ana and Gin, personally, I don't really think "honoring" them necessarily means doing the things they enjoyed or things that you both loved doing together. Trying to do those things (especially the things you enjoyed together) actually causes much anguish and much pain. In my grief world, I honor Tammy in a number of ways.

For one, as often as I can, I tell the world who Tammy was and how amazing and truly inspirational she was. She had a gentle, smiling nature that belied her incredible courage and strength.

I also try to live my life in a way that incorporates Tammy's courage and I see things in a way that Tammy would. What I mean is that, we are all changed people because of our soul mates. Before we met our beloved one, we were one person, now we are in many ways a combination of the two. I live my life now knowing that many of my choices and decisions are made with Tammy in my soul.

To me, that is the best way to honor her. I hope that makes sense. 

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It makes sense to me, Mitch.  I also feel in much pain when I do things that we used to do together.  Heck, just being in the house he built is extremely painful.  Have a hard time getting motivated to do anything here because of it.  I also like to share about him, want people to know who he was.  I like what you said about making decisions with Tammy in your soul.  Warmly, Cookie

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I do talk about Paul to people who will listen and who care. I have stopped talking about him to my family because I'm told I dwell and talk about it too much and that I'm like anyone else and just need to pull myself together. But, I do try to honor Paul in whatever way I'm capable of doing it. That's why I climbed a step ladder and attempted to fix that light fixture and went outside and chopped down that weed. Compared to where a few of you are in the process, I know I'm not really far along at all and even the prospect of seeing a new place or having a new and different experience depresses me because I would want Paul to be there with me, holding my hand. Until life suddenly threw us the worst curveball imaginable, I didn't see anything in my world---present or future---without him right by my side. All the plans we'd been making just fell apart and I was left here, sitting on top of this pile of ruined plans and broken dreams, trying to figure out how to piece something together out of them that resembles a life. And it doesn't work---like gluing a shattered glass vase. You might be able to eventually stick some flowers in it, but it will never hold water again. Not like before. 

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4 minutes ago, TerriL said:

... trying to figure out how to piece something together out of them that resembles a life. And it doesn't work---like gluing a shattered glass vase. You might be able to eventually stick some flowers in it, but it will never hold water again. Not like before. 

That shattered vase analogy is so true, Terri. Our hearts, our hopes, our dreams and our whole existence really, has been shattered into millions of pieces. There is no chance of our lives ever being back together like they were. But, I think there is hope that our new lives of misery will become more bearable and at some point may actually resemble a life of more than just going through the motions. It takes time, it takes perseverance, it takes courage and along the way we need to be kind to ourselves. So many of us tend to be so hard on ourselves, and ultimately, that's a very self-defeating behavior.

I'm about 14 1/2 months into my grief journey. When I lost Tammy on March 6th, 2015, it felt like my life ended when hers did. Our hearts beat as one and I couldn't fathom the concept of my heart still beating after hers stopped. But somehow, some way, we do live on. This new life is the hardest thing any of us could ever go through. It's moment to moment and one day at a time. It's about trying to live a life in a world that often feels unlivable and unbearable. And somehow we have to adapt and learn to function in place we never wanted to be.

GRIEF... it's not for the feint of heart.

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Wow, Mitch! 14 1/2 months. I can't even imagine. When I realized last week that I was hitting the seven month mark, it shocked me. I'm thinking, "How can that possibly be? How can that much time have passed so quickly already?" In 34 years, Paul and I had never been apart that long. The longest was maybe a couple of weeks when he'd visit his ailing father and someone had to stay behind to care for the animals. (Yeah. No help then either!) I will say that there have been times I've found courage where I thought none existed. Growing up and even into adulthood, I had a father who always told me I'd never be able to take care of myself and that i would always need my family to take care of me. My husband did take care of me but it wasn't because he thought me incapable. It was because he wanted to make me happy. When Paul died, my knee jerk reaction was to panic and think I had to rely on the family I had left. This is why I ended up dealing with my brother in law at first, who immediately went into his "control" mode, using sarcasm, condescending, judgmental remarks and withholding help from me when I wouldn't agree with his way of handling a situation. I finally had enough, stood up to him and stopped relying on his "help" altogether. I'm not perfect. A few of my decisions have been less than stellar, and there are certain things that are still a little more difficult because I decided to kick unhelpful people to the curb and go it alone. But, overall, I am proud of myself for standing on my own two feet when I'd been taught that I'd never be able to do it. Now, I KNOW Paul was proud of me when I did that! I could hear him inside my head telling me to do it. He never could stand my brother in law anyway. HAHA!

 

There, I found something positive to take away from all this. 

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I think about this honoring thing too.  To me it's not about doing what we did before because we can't.  Those were shared things or things THEY did.  I can't record music or keep up musical equipment like Steve did.  Long ago lost say interest in maintaining the yard, both of us, so it got hired out.  Minor things around the house he would fix, but even he decided that the biggies were worth paying someone for so we could do other things we liked.  

Reading all these posts today it showed me I don't know who I am anymore.  I know my name, what I used to like, have the same surroundings, but I don't know the person I have become anymore.  It's an odd feeling living in the vessel I have always had but feeling a stranger.  Pretty much all the things 'she' did have no appeal.  She is doing things I never did like having the TV on mist of the night and playing games on her tablet to kill time.  I used to read, watch only things that were of interest, not for background noise.  I'd keep up with news to discuss with Steve.  There was so much to do that was really nothing but living a life with someone, but it filled my world.  Now I hear our clock ticking on the wall all the time.  I am always acutely aware of the time because there is so much if it.  

I don't know what happened because I spent all of last year without him but was productive.  I'd have my breakdowns of course. But I felt like I was stronger and took some pride at getting things done.  Perhaps it IS the longer passage if time being alone.  I look back and 3, 5 or 6 months seems so small compared to 18.  I don't think I am doing grief wrong, but I never expected it to get worse.  But them, I had no idea the permanence off this.  It was an in the moment thing.  Now I know this is forever.  My mind and heart are just broken beyond repair right now.

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Gwen,

I don't know who I am anymore either. I know I'm not the same person I was 6 and a half months ago. Just today, I told my boss, who is also my best friend, that I feel like I've lost my mind. I was in charge of the dept. this morning until my boss came in at 1pm. She asked me if I ordered something and I had no clue if I did or not. Like how can I not know. I just did the order a few hours earlier. That is so not like the old me.

I had a breakdown last night when I went to bed. It came out of no where. It just hit me that Richard is really gone and not coming back. Just feels like a bad dream. We were so perfect together. He made me and my daughter laugh....all the time. He would say some the most random stuff. He was the most caring and kind person that I had ever met. He loved my 2 daughters like they were his own. Just not sure how I'm supposed to go on without him.

My 16 year old daughter is also having a really hard time. I feel like I can't even help her because I can't even help myself.

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Gwen, I get it.  I don't know who I really am anymore either.  I was always busy before, doing something, now all I want to do is sleep and do absolutely nothing at all.  I do think that in the beginning of our grief, there are so many things that have to get done like paperwork and we would try to find other little projects to keep up busy, but the longer we get into the grief process and all the necessary things are done, it finally hits us that they are not coming back and we are here to do it all alone.  I really wish I had the magical answer for all of us, but I guess the best that can do done is try to find a different "me" that we can be satisfied with.  I know that is not going to be easy and don't have a clue how long that will take, but I think we have to try.  I'm sorry you having such a hard time right now and my heart goes out to you.  I sending you a big HUG!

Joyce

 

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For what it's worth, you may feel better in time but it is so common to feel worse in the second year than in the first. Sometimes in the third year when you feel like you've turned a corner, you have a set back. A relapse if you will that makes you question if you have gotten anywhere at all. But the truth is you have. It just doesn't really end. It just eases and those set backs? Well they happen with more time between.  I just met up with an old friend from high school who had lost two husbands, both from cancer.  I had no idea what she had been through yet she seemed so happy. She lives alone with her daughter grown and gone and when I was telling her how I was still dealing with issues in grief, she said that it's been twenty years and she still cries sometimes. So, Happy and Bubbly - Still Cries Sometimes. But most importantly  STILL STANDING !

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Gwen, even though we are all dealing with a similar emotionally devastating loss, we all handle things and react in our own way. 

You feel like a stranger to yourself in this new world. Me, I still feel like Mitch, just a version that's been forever changed by grief.

Of course there are many feelings that we share. Happiness and joy are found in memories not in our new life. I think we all keep that tv on all the time, rarely actually watching a show from beginning to end. Our minds are usually "elsewhere". It hurts trying to enjoy things alone we used to do together.

Unfortunately for us, our grief doesn't come with an instruction manual and it's definitely not one size fits all. Those waves seem to pull you back down just when you think you might be climbing the ladder out of that dark place.

Gwen, I consider you a real friend and it hurts when I read how much pain you're in. I wish I had the words to ease your suffering. I wish I could wave a magic wand and Steve and Tammy (and all our loved ones) could come back to us!

I wish it was that easy.

Hugs.

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Gwen, Polly, everyone---you touched on something I've been feeling, too, and didn't express. I also wonder who I am anymore. I look like me, but inside, it feels like all that I used to be has been hollowed out. I catch myself just doing the most mundane things to "kill time", as you say. It's a distraction to keep from having to think. At times, I felt like I was "holding down the fort" until Paul returned and then, yes, it hits you that this is forever. You're forced to accept that he isn't coming back and you won't ever see him in this life again. That thought just hits you right in the gut. I even had to stop playing one of my favorite games on my tablet because I used to play it most nights to unwind before bedtime. Paul would get up off the couch after watching some TV, come over and kiss me goodnight and go to bed before me. Now, since his passing, the music of this game and the game itself is too much of a reminder of our usual nightly routine when he was alive. I tried playing it at first, but I'd only get so far before I'd break down crying. So, I quit playing that one and took up another in its place. 

The fact that we all feel the same emotions and are exhibiting the same behaviors, no matter how divergent our lifestyles may be, never fails to amaze me. At first, I always thought I had to be the only one going through this or that until I came here and began reading the comments from all of you. I could have written what you were saying, word for word. That hasn't changed. 

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I have put on here so many times from my grandmother's book.  She said people said the pain lessened, but at 18 years she said she felt the pain as on the first day.  She was a little quiet country woman not given to lies or exaggerations (unlike my mom), but reading that put me into despair.  But, then she lived almost 30 years after my grandfather died.  I cannot remember her being a really happy woman.  Now, my other grandmother, I know she was glad when they took my grandfather away to the state hospital.  He had Parkinson's and from all I remember, was never a pleasant person.  He died two weeks later at about age 56.  That Mammaw was happy the rest of her long life.  We all go down different roads.  

 

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Terri,

I can't even fathom your family thinking you talk about him, dwell on him too much!  I'm so sorry!  It helps to be able to talk about them, I'm thankful my family has always been supportive of that.

 

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Well, I am going to add my very similar story of feelings to all of yours.  I too at almost a year am having a very hard time because the reality is starting to hammer me.  It scares me to think of living the rest of my life like this.  I so want to be in life again on some level.  I can't imagine this horrible feeling going on and on.  It feels so uncontrollable even with all the things I do to try and live life normally again.  It's like you just have to brace yourself over and over again.  It gets very tiring.....

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On ‎5‎/‎18‎/‎2016 at 11:29 AM, kayc said:

Margaret,

These two things stuck out to me.  You have been and are going through a lot, yet you just keep going.  That has always been my philosophy.  We just keep going, what else can we do?

I heard this song this weekend on my retreat and it just touched my heart and soul. 

 This song speaks to me right now.  Enjoy! Shalom

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I and many others have gone through and go through these same feelings.  You are not alone.  That is the beauty of this group.

Feelings are not FACTS they are just feelings.  I have discovered that instead of thinking about living the rest of my life without Rose Anne, I just need to live in TODAY.  This moment. I'm not ignoring the feeling, I'm just accepting the fact that all I can do is live in today.  We can do anything for 24 hours, or 8 hours, or one hour , or even one minute.  You will get through it and learn from it. 

I didn't know who I was or what I was anymore either.  All of those titles / labels were stripped away.  I am learning to pay attention to myself and what I am supposed to be learning through this grief journey.  I would suggest to go back and read several intial posts and track their journey and you will see we have all struggled to get through and we continue, one day at a time.   Shalom - George

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The one day at a time still helps me, George.  Even now if I try to think about the rest of my life alone, well it invites anxiety.

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The man that mixed my paint up for my black and cream room (my daughter's idea of interior decorations), we have been trying (procrastinating) to repaint for 10 years.  He wanted to know if I wanted to wait until something else came in (True Value Hardware, small town), and I told him I didn't wait for anything.  Billy went so fast, my job might not get done.  And then I thought, well, so what, if I was gone I wouldn't care.  All our troubles would be over.  Until then, like George's song..............keep walking, it ain't over yet.  Thanks George, I liked that.  (I am not painting the room black and cream).  I have to cover that black paint.  Remember, I am the one who painted her bathroom specially mixed paint that came out S___t mongley brown and had to repaint with at least three coats of yellow.  You could have peeled that paint off in one layer. Don't like the Dallas Cowboys, but right now it has my Saints colors.  Gonna be painted Dallas Cowboys blue.  This house has been good to us, it seemed a shame, even giving it away, not to put a pretty dress on it.  

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When I was 18 I worked for a paint and wallpaper store.  I was amazed at some of the colors people picked out!  Black walls was one, another was florescent green, very hard to cover!  I once had to cover a charcoal grey stucco wall with white, it took three coats of a special paint and the thickest nap roller I could find.  Ugh!

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I am not a decorator.  I could do real decorating of a tent with outside chairs and eating outside, sleeping on bunks, but decorating a house is outside my job description.  I do not like this color I picked, am just hoping it covers the other.  I have nice curtains to maybe give it a touch of color..  

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I finally took some time this morning to catch up on my days in my book, Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss by Ashley Davis Bush.  It is really good for keeping the positive thinking going, but also to make sure you know what you are experiencing is NORMAL.  The passage that caught my eye today says:

"You do not need to know how things will unfold over time. You do not need to know what will be happening next year or how you will get there. You just need to get up today and do the next right thing.  Focus on this day, being with the simplicity of each moment, and you will gradually live your way into the future.  Today, allow yourself to feel your feet on the floor as you sit and as you walk. Be aware of how the ground supports you with each step."

I highly recommend this book.  The daily passages are short and can sometimes be just what we need to read to push us past a difficult time.

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Marg,

Post us a picture!  I'm curious what you found to cover it, it's not easy!

 

Maryann,

I like the idea of getting a daily passage to focus on, something pertinent to our situation.

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I'm sorry Kay, my photographer left me.  I cannot hold a camera still, but I will get Scott to take one with his phone.

And, I'm not sure, might have to add another coat of paint.  I wanted to get out with as little cosmetic repairs as possible, but it might take two coats of the "guarantee one coat covers everything" paint. 

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Kay, thank you for your empathy regarding my family situation. They're pretty much about themselves. That old joke fits perfectly, where someone is going on and on about themselves and then says, "Well, enough about me! Let's talk about YOU! What do you think of me?" HAHA! Yep! I hate to have to say it, but hat's actually close to the truth. 

 

I also agree that staying in the present moment is a healthy way to handle our situations. At the risk of using yet another quote (I'm into quotes these days, for some reason) and I'm paraphrasing here---living in the past fuels depression and living in the future fuels anxiety. Only by living in the present can we find happiness. Of course, in our cases, happiness may not always be possible, but at least we can find some sanity and calm. Right here, right now, I'm commenting to my new friends. I can do this. I can get through this. I'll just have to deal with the rest of the day one moment at a time, as it comes. Right now, it isn't raining, but later on, it might be. I have no way to tell. (Neither do the weather people.) I am not always great at these "methods"---I have break downs all the time---but I try to not give up. I'll never stop talking to Paul, I don't care what anyone else thinks. I look at his picture and talk to him. It makes me feel better and I'm not hurting anyone, so why not? 

Kay, the only thing I could think of when you mentioned customers at the paint/wallpaper store wanting black and fluorescent green paints for their walls, was black lights and black light posters. When I was a teen in the 70s, some of my friends had black walls in their rooms and they'd hang those fluorescent colored posters up. Then, they'd switch on the black light and everything would GLOW. Including our white T-shirts. Haha! 

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George, that was a great song. I'm holding on to it for those times I need motivation. Thank you for sharing it with us. Until now, I've been using the theme song from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt when I need a spirit boost. What can I say? Whatever works and doesn't cause harm is my motto. 

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