Ron B.

Hi Ezgiaks. I am sending a prayer your way. So many others here have lost family just like you. Such loss hurts so deeply as to be almost incomprehesible. I lost my mom 4 years ago. Here's how my own grief journey unfolded. For the first couple months I felt numb. Then for more than a year I was consumed by strong emotion. I was left emotionally exhausted, but I was somehow learning. I learned of the depth of my own emotions. I learned new ways to cope. And I learned a few things about life and mortality. It was about 2 years before I felt at all 'normal' or 'okay'. And I still dream or think of my mom almost every single day. The pain is definitely less. And, remarkably, the memory of my mom is now a source of strength. I 'feel' her legacy reliably, and it guides me like an inner compass. I owe a lot to the people in this grief forum. While I thrashed out my emotions, people here were so patient, kind, and soulful. I hope you too find strength and a connection to this community. Welcome! Ron B.

Dawnie, Here I go talking in metaphors again. I think we all 'stumble' and 'fall down' constantly while we are burdened with heavy grief. The falling down part is hugely demoralizing, leaving us feeling more like wreckage than competent human beings. And the falling down part is so effortless; it just happens. There is an important counterpart to these breakdowns, and that's 'getting back up on our feet' after adversity. And it's not easy, sometimes requires repeated effort, and frequently we just can't perform to own own expectations. So give yourself a break once in a while; scale back your expectations. And when you are feeling good, maybe then it's the time to go forward with bigger plans. We all want fully functional lives during and after grief, but it is a long hard struggle. Just keep trying. Back off when you are overwhelmed. And be kind to yourself. Emotional breakdowns are one of the most discussed subjects on this website. I think the breakdowns, as painful as they are, are part of a learning process. I learned that I couldn't control my grief. Much of the time my grief seemed to control me. Mostly what people say here is to let the grief flow through you. Crying is sometimes the most important thing you can do; it is part of the healing process. Be brave when you can. Yes it's a good thing when we can compose ourselves, but that composure seems to vanish during grief. At least be confident that you'll slowly get better at being able to compose yourself. The grief meltdowns will also become less frequent. About medication during grief: The entire community of mental health professionals has debated this very issue in the last couple years. Many counselors and psychologists believe that medicating our way through grief is misguided. But the medical establishment at large (including drug companies) is pushing the view that grief is so debilitating, that medication will actually help people function. Advice to you? It's YOUR choice whether you take medication as you pass through grief. Don't let anybody pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. Trust your own judgement and intuition. Ron B.

Hi Stacie. Like you, I have lost both of my parents, but I'm 60 years of age and my parents lived relatively full lives into their 70s. Being a bit older does help me comprehend my own mortality and the mortality of others. And the advance of years motivates me too; there's only so much time left for me to do the important things. I think it's actually pretty unfair that you in your mid 20s have to face the passing of your parents. Also seems unfair to me that your parents had their lives cut short while only in their 50s. People protest often enough that, "Life's not fair!", and I think that's true. But we have to make the best of the life we've got. So many of us are traumatized by the way in which our parents passed. I've replayed in my head all the details of my parents passing many times. From the early signs of their illness, to their time in hospitals, to sorting out their things once they were gone. I'm glad to say now that I'm finally letting go of being stuck on the trauma. Nowadays my mind floods with many good memories of my parents. We did so many things together over the years, and those memories shine for me now. The good in my parents' legacy is finally crowding out some of the trauma I endured as a result of their passing. If there is a single word that has helped me most in dealing with the passing of my parents, it is 'legacy'. Sure, I've got photo albums, but I'm not just speaking of physical things. I feel more and more how I am like them, that I inherited features of their personalities, their moral sensibility, their good judgement. I am their legacy. It's more than understandable that you feel 'numb' from the very early loss of your parents. But you have a lot of time. You will slowly recover, build your own life, and perhaps give life to a new generation. Loss of parents is a huge event in our lives and very difficult to process. But the loss isn't just about pain, as that would only leave us stunted. We grow through the experience, and somehow come to a better understanding of life and mortality. I am glad you found your way to this forum, Stacie. There are so many good people here that will help you find your way through the difficulty of grief. Whenever you need some quality of human contact, this is a very good place for it. Ron B.

Yes indeed, hugs are emotionally reassuring and restorative. And that's especially true for the people here who have lost spouses, because they've lost hugs and physical contact they once had in abundance. But the opportunities for physical affection are very different for each of us. Women seem to be a bit more relaxed in matters of physical affection. Men seem to be more constrained, perhaps for cultural reasons. In any case, hugs are sometimes not available for all of us. The last hug I had was more than a year ago, if I do not count the affection of cats and dogs. But I do have a working substitute for hugs, and that's honest face-to-face communication with other people. Usually there is some exchange of human warmth and emotion during conversation. And there are other reassuring forms of communication, such as the smile. So yes, I agree with you that it'd be better if everyone had hugs in abundance. But for those of us who don't have hugs, we get by on the kind word, the smile, and a little conversation. Ron B.

Dawnie, Almost everybody here has been wobbly, uncomprehending, and shocked at the loss of a family member. I too had loving parents. Really good people in more ways that I can describe. Lost my Mom 4 years ago, and my Dad 12 years ago. Words fail in describing all that parents are. I end up talking in metaphors, that my parents are the 'foundation' or 'root' of my own life. And I'm still inextricably tied into their lives. I carry their DNA, I have internalized their values, and my own life flows through many of the same channels as did their lives. I feel their legacy, and it survives as my foundation. So I've found consolation, even though my parents are no longer 'here', meaning physically present as living breathing beings. Sometimes people talk as if a parent's passing puts a complete end to their story. But that's so wrong. The legacy of our parents continues to live on within us, and in our siblings, and in everyone who ever remembers them. Their lives are instilled within our own, and we still carry a relationship with them. For example, whenever I'm in some kind of trouble, I think, what would my parents do? And I get surprisingly clear answers, because they had good judgement, which still acts as a beacon to light my own way forward. Four years on, and I no longer rehash in my mind the traumatic events that led to my Mom's or my Dad's passing. And I'm thankful for that. Instead, fresh memories of my parents come to me from out of nowhere, while I'm going about daily life. Of what they said or did, or the company we kept on some occasion long ago. I think the good memories are now crowding out the ones with trauma. I've had 4 years to cope with the recent loss of my mother, and I can see now what helped me recover. The first year was crushing, beyond my ability to comprehend or cope. My life was like how you describe your life now. So I worked actively on resolving my grief, and here is what helped most: Getting professional psychological counseling. Digesting literature on grief, anger, and forgiveness. Getting daily exercise. Participation in this forum. And digitizing family photo albums. This last bit about preserving family legacy was extraordinarily helpful for me. In sum, these are just the things I did; everybody finds a different path forward. I'm not trying to paint myself as a best-outcome grief-survivor and success story either. I made some bad mistakes. I consumed mild intoxicants in the first months, which just made me numb, and buried my grief ever deeper. I had a lot of anger too, holding grudges against family, friends, and acquaintances; I thought they were clueless, callous, unsupportive, or just wrong. I'm still in the process of mending those damaged relationships. The really weird thing is that I have experienced a lot of personal growth through grief. Why there is so much pain, I just don't know, but I am a stronger person now. I describe the changes I've gone through as 'sudden maturity'. Perhaps it's because I'm no longer a 'kid' with parents for a backstop. I'm now the lead generation with few elders in front of me. And it's me in the role of guardian over younger family members now. Who else is going to retain my parents' and my family's legacy, if not me? People sometimes use the expression of 'moving on' to deal with a parent's passing, but that doesn't work for me. For me the loss of a parent is not something to leave behind, get over, or forget about. Rather I think all the pain of grief is there for very good reasons, I believe we learn from our grief, and I am certain that we come out changed. I can't have my old life back. But I have developed a new life in 4 years time, and I like it. I remember very well when my grief was raw, like yours is now. I felt so lost and without bearings to reestablish a normal life. But then I found things which helped get me through the hard time. My way forward was through counseling, reading literature about grief, documenting family legacy, and daily exercise outdoors. For other people it's pets, music, gardening, journaling, and a gazillion other things that ease the pain. I hope you too can find some activity that's still 'relevant' and puts you at ease. Healing is a slow process, but you will evolve and find purpose as you pass through grief. God speed your recovery. Ron B.

Niamh, it's good to read your post. Finding people who posted here a couple years ago makes me feel like I'm among old friends. Maybe I am fortunate in that my grief over losing my mother is no longer a disruptive force in my life. The first two years were crushing for me. Somehow I've done much better during year 3 and now into year 4. Some of my grief issues had a different foundation than yours. One of my sibliings had taken brutal control over my mother's estate, and that left me very angry. Aquarius7 knows all about this sort of sibling trouble. I had to get counseling to address my anger issues. And it worked. I'm still perplexed at how effective counseling was for me. I started counseling at month 4. One grief issue we do have in common is trauma in the hospital. I was the only one of my family to be with my mother as she died. I will not go into detail as that is still pretty upsetting for me. Even in this I was more fortunate than you; the hospital staff did most everything right and was supportive of my family throughout the ordeal. I don't have answers or cures for other people's grief. For my own grief, at least, I know the things that helped me grow through it. Besides counseling, piecing together my mother's legacy helped a lot. I've dug through old family documents and photos, digitized them, and shared everything with my relatives. Something else seems to have helped me in year 3 and 4. I started my own business. It gives my life a meaningful focus and keeps me plenty busy. It hurts to hear you are feeling so anxious and getting sick. If things ever get really bad, you know of course that there are effective anti-anxiety medications. Only a medical physician can write prescriptions, counselors can't. Otherwise it sure sounds like you are doing all the right things. Your willingness to focus and grow through the difficulty sounds pretty strong from reading your post. Please stay connected here; helps all of us. Ron B.

Yup, I misunderstood your situation. Now I get that you are caught between two brothers as the arbiter of who gets what. Any way for you to duck out and let someone else decide? Or maybe your two brothers can do some kind of time sharing with the train set, keeping the set whole? Anyway, I agree with you about the difficulty of the situation. Sounds like no matter what you do, someone is going to be very unhappy. Three years on in my own family there are still hard feelings about how things got divided. My own number 1 priority was to avoid conflict, but it happened anyway. Hope you do better.

My circumstances are somewhat similar to yours. My mom passed away in November just over 3 years ago. My two brothers, sister, and I were certainly under high levels of stress after my mother died. We all occasionally lost our composure, forgot our best manners, and came into conflict with one another. And most of the trouble resulted directly from how my mother's estate was handled. Things happened in my situation that were particularly difficult. Before my mother's things were even sorted, my own personal possessions were thrown out of her home without giving me any notice. Then my mother's things were distributed in the manner of a public auction; the format and rules were brutal. I had almost no say in these matters, and channels of good communication with siblings were mostly closed. I had to wait a full year for my mother's physical things to be divided, and at times I did not know whether I would inherit anything. Two years were required for the legal issues to be settled. The result of the botched division of my mother's possessions was an intense wind-up of my own emotions. I had such intense resentment and anger, that had to get professional counseling. Felt I was coming unglued. I did get past the difficulty though counseling, reading a lot of psychological literature, support here, and making much effort to repair relations with siblings. At heart my brothers and sister are all gentle people, but stress, difficult circumstance, and bad planning somehow brought us into open conflict. I've already said plenty about the rough end of all this, but I want you to also know that much mending of hearts and learning also occurred. I will tell you what I think about the ceramic train set. If I were in your situation, I'd keep all pieces of the ceramic train set together and give the entire thing to the brother(s). I would do this to not only to avoid conflict, but also to completely clear my own conscience. You may indeed be entitled to one third of the set, but who is to say for sure? You already have more than one family member on the other side of this issue, so it's is kind of steering into conflict if you insist on having your way. Sorting the family estate can be less a matter of calculating entitlement, and more a matter of heartfelt effort to preserve family relationships. My story is of intense conflict while my mother's things were divided. I hope your issues are much more moderate and can be resolved without similar ordeal. Best of luck working your way through this issue. Ron B.

Argh! I just made a long and detailed reply post, but my internet browser crashed, and my post is gone. Oh well. Piecing it back together, here is what I had to say. I deal with depression too, and I know it's not just grief from my parents' passing. I lost my mother 3 years ago and my father 11 years ago. My depression issues are also about other things that cause angst in my life. I am past 50, lonely and without companionship. I am old enough to have a few medical issues and can feel my mortality creeping up on me. I am running my own business now, which I like, but it's also a struggle and stressful. I'd like to think I can actively go about resolving various issues, but somehow I just end up getting stuck a lot of the time. For instance, I eat out frequently at restaurants, because it's too lonely to cook for myself. I neglect getting my proper exercise by swimming in a local municipal pool, even though I could work this into my schedule. The worst of it is when I get stuck at home feeling lonely, when I know I could be outgoing and doing so much more. So, yes, I see obvious signs of my own depression. But it's not all black. A few weeks ago I went clothing shopping online, which I've never done before, and I acquired all kinds of nice clothing that makes me look so much better! And for my grief over losing my parents, I work a lot with family photo collections. And I recently discovered photography, bought a deluxe camera, and am learning so many things. In short I see that I'm not completely stuck; I do find solutions to some problems and am growing inexplicably in other areas of my life. And it was your post, Anne, that set me to think through all this. I am sure you will find ways to to face your own grief and depression, though it's not always obvious how to make progress. It requires time and effort for things to change, but eventually you will find green shoots of growth. Meanwhile, keep up your morale in any way that you can! Ron B.

Dear cyscheer, Many of us here have been with a dying family member in their last days. With me it was my Mom. I was with her as she took her last breaths. Know that you are doing the right things. You are easing your wife's passage through the last days of her life. About the intense emotions of grief, find whatever support you can here, through family, friends, and counseling. Most of us have been rocked by tidal waves of grief; you are not alone in that. Grief is not something we can control. Somehow we have to learn how to pass through it. It is never easy. You can post of your grief, and at least you will be understood. We have a professional grief counselor here, Marty, who can respond to the difficult questions. The rest of us are ordinary people, enduring our grief and learning how to cope. Welcome to our forums. Ron B.

Hi InvisibleLove. What a heart-rending post! You provided total support for your dying fiancee. Yet you remain completely unacknowledged by your fiancee's family. So harsh! Still, you know you did the right things, so hold your head up high. Your 'invisible love' shines brightly here. Families enduring the loss of a loved-one can be treacherous. Everybody is under a lot of stress, and there is often plenty of conflict both inside families and around the outer edges. I had mountains of trouble in my own family during my mother's illness and death 3 years ago. Now most of that is healed. Dozens of other people in these forums have also endured every variety of conflict within their own families. Sometimes 'friends' of bereaved families suffer as well, being badly marginalized or treated with open hostility. Don't let conflict with others define your life or wreck your good morale! Having done the right things for your fiancee is a much better narrative about who you are than what others think and say. Your grief is so raw and painful now, but that will ease with time. For example, your anger may be intense, but you can alleviate some of it if you can begin to forgive others for their transgressions. And keep sharing your 'invisible love' wherever you can; maybe you will find the right people who can acknowledge it. Here, at least, you will get the support you need to help you through grief. And please don't overlook counseling! It has helped me and a great many others here. Ron B.

Hi Michael. I just want to give your post a quick and supportive response, though I may be inclined to babble on, for there is rich content in what you have written. I think losing a parent in childhood or early youth must be particularly difficult. As adults we can be more deliberative about how to deal with loss and grief. We can read about it, talk with others, go in for therapy, and so forth. But as kids, how are we supposed to comprehend the loss of a parent? It's just too colossal an event. I think some of the trauma gets buried and emerges later. Many other people here have had issues with guilt. We replay events when we lost family members, rethinking the things said or done that could have been handled differently. I don't know why we become so hardened and unforgiving of ourselves. Perhaps it helps to realize that all of us are faulted not just in little ways, but sometimes in big ways, and that none of us are perfect. We can only do our best from this day forward. That my parents themselves had some deep faults helps me accept some of my own less-than-best features. You mention that you are sensitive about the memories you have of your father. I can relate to that. After I lost my mom 3 years ago, I didn't want my pain and desperation to contaminate wholesome and good memories. But something began to happen with me, maybe because I'm approaching 60. I have experienced a lot of memory flooding. While dreaming, while working, or while going somewhere, memories will just pop into my head out of the blue. I get transported back to times and places of my childhood or early youth, and relive some small event of my past. The legacy of my parents runs all through these memories, and I feel like I'm recovering something important. So I wouldn't worry about preserving wholesome memories, your mind will do that automatically for you in years to come. Glad for what you posted, and hope my own rambling here makes some sense. Ron B.

I agree, Enna. The forum looks great. But I didn't have anything to do with it. It's all Marty's doing as far as I know. I really like the blue theme. - Ron B.

Hi LisaAnnB. I think we all have a real rough time dealing with the emotions of grief in the first weeks and months. People here talk of having 'meltdowns', where the flood of emotion is beyond our capacity to control. Well, I think we learn about grief as we go through the many meltdowns. As best I can figure, it helps to let the emotion pass through us instead of trying to fight it. It's been said here many times that if we bury our grief, it just stays buried and doesn't get resolved. And for each time we have a meltdown, we learn a bit about recovery and pulling ourselves back together. It's a gradual learning process. I wish there were an easy set of rules that would guide us all through grief. But none of it is easy. I'm sure there is learning, personal growth, and healing as we struggle through grief. But there is also a lot of suffering, and some portion of that just has to be endured. Things that help (as best I know) - A supportive social network of friends and family. Psychological and counseling services. Any of the educational resources on grief, many of which are linked to in these forums. 'Grief-work', meaning any regular activity that eases you through the rough times (pets, gardening, painting, music, exercise, friends, keeping a diary, or a gazillion other things. You choose.) This community can also help. Write of your grief or ask any question, and you will probably get good response. We have a professional counselor, Marty, that handles the really difficult questions. Glad you found us! Ron B.

Good to hear from you Daughter2010. My time-line is the same as yours. A few hours from now will mark three years since my mother passed away. I too have learned and grown and changed so much in these 3 years. It's hard for me to relate back to how I felt in those first months of my loss. I am disinclined to rehash all that raw emotional pain. But I still feel a need to work through my own grief. It helps when I read of the stories and ordeals of other people here. My own cure, as best I can describe it, has to take refuge in the thought that my mom, and my father, are still with me. If only in my thoughts, memories, and sometimes my dreams. So much of who I am came directly out of them. My basic values about what's right and wrong, my personal character, and even my physical being is taken directly from them. In some ways they still live on in me. I believe with great conviction in their legacy. They were not perfect human beings, but they did so much that was right and good. They worked hard all their lives and made the best of their circumstances. They cared for me and gave selflessly so I could prosper. They set a standard for me which I now try to follow. Most people would say my grief has healed after 3 years. And I think that's true for the most part. I no longer feel that raw crush of grief, which was so disabling and unspeakably painful. But I still do grieve, just differently. Instead of being thrashed about by strong emotions, like I was at the beginning, now memories of my mom can leave me very sad. And I still cry! Sometimes I feel compelled to seek out my own grief and face it more squarely. So I dig out family photo albums every few months, and I have digitized and restored hundreds of old photos for the rest of my family to view. And not just photos of my mom and dad. Some of these photos go back a hundred years, and help me think about who I am now and who my parents were. I have become brave enough to post photos of my parents in visible places within my household. At the beginning I could not face thoughts or images of my parents without sharp emotional pain. Now the pain has softened, and other emotions are beginning to seep through in healthy ways. Still can hurt to look at my mom's photos, but I also get very positive emotion. I often feel glad and get a boost from her presence on my kitchen wall. And for over a year now I have been experiencing a kind of flooding of memory. Thoughts of my mom often come to me completely out of the blue. I'll just be doing something or going somewhere, and poof! There's my mom in my thoughts. Some of my recollections are so vivid, that I relive the experience in some real way. I let this flood of feeling and memory flow over me as best I can. I think it is part of a process of healing. The good part of it is that I am able to tune into the positive emotion in memories of my mother. I can visualize my mother's smile or her mirth in a heartbeat. She is with me within a moment of thought. I'm no longer completely broken in pain. I feel the strength of her spirit, and that guides me well through most of my days. Though I've tried to stand in others shoes here, I'm not able to do that very well at all. I can't really understand someone else's pain. Or prescribe cures. I hope you heal well, Daughter2010, however that happens. Somehow the legacy of our parents will help us find our way. Ron B.