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  1. Today
  2. Hi all. I’ve not been here since February. I’m sorry. Things have been very hectic with Caleb and Ryan. And I’ve been really “stuck” in this grief and pain. Suicide of a loved one is so tough. I’m really struggling. I am suffering with PTSD my therapist says. I have been trying so very hard to just be the best Momma to the boys that I can possibly be and I fear on a daily basis that I am not living up to that. 😢 And I miss my lost children so much too. So much that I am paranoid something will happen to Caleb and Ryan too. I would not survive should that happen. Im just really struggling. I feel so alone... Katie
  3. I'm sorry for your loss. You're right in that we dont get over it. Has been a year and a week since Mom passed and i think of her all the time. It seems to me that in our society we dont prepare people for loss. Its going to happen, but we seem to ignore that and then people just gloss it over and expect you to hide it. Long ago we would live in a group, maybe a tribe, that would come together in such times and help each other. but now we are too modern, or so we think. We turn our backs on our humanity and the things we really need. It's good you have a bro and sis to help and make sure your dad knows he is loved and cared for. I think that's most important. The best thing we can do is not just to deal, but to honor. The little things that you keep in your life that are from them. The way they were will always be in your heart. My mom was the kindest loving soul. When i'm out and about I will have a smile and a good word for people, I notice that its mostly the older folks who arent afraid of this old stranger :)....Mom used to paint until her arthritis got too bad, and that was maybe 25 years ago. in cleaning out the kitchen cupboard I found her old brushes, they now sit in my closet. When I cook for me and dad anytime I use bell pepper I cut the top off and place it on the sink divider, because thats what mom always did. In case she is watching I want her to know that I am thinking of her and that i love her. I dont know if you have regrets...I seem to have so many from my life. Its hard to internalise things some times. But I know in my head that regrets are a trap and it doesnt matter anymore. Its difficult for the heart to accept that. Its hard to not open up and talk about life, maybe another time. But what I learned is that life is rough and its never about having a perfect life or avoidng trouble and tragedy. its about becoming a good strong person and living your life so you have better choices. To be able to handle the hard times when they come, for they will come. Thank you for the post...will be praying for you and the family. This is a good place with some wonderful people, if it helps reach out to them.
  4. Yesterday
  5. I do hope everyone is doing well. I left Oklahoma on Easter Sunday. It is such a wonderful feeling to be back here. This is where we lived when Cookie passed, and our last few years of memories happened here. So all is well. I'm back where I need to be. The first chance I have to drive down to Galveston I take a selfie standing on the seawall with the ocean behind me and post it. Again, I hope everyone is well. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  6. I'm glad you're doing ok. It's natural to have setbacks, but it seems like we're both moving through it all. I'm also ok, just miss my fluff alot. We received his ashes and paw print and lock of fur from our hospice vet, and that was very emotional. It is both very real and very unreal, still. Sending you positive thoughts and comfort.
  7. Me too I feel like being pushed to "get over" what happened... While all my closed ones understand how important my Ginger is to me, I feel stuck in a the regret, and the guilt is still heavy - though not like the first months. I started to get creative, like Marty's article said. Don't know if this is a nice idea: I tried going to the zoo...observing the bigger cats...... I imagine some of the time when Ginger was lost in the small "forest" he was in, some days may have brought him something very new to wake up hearing insects, birds...instead of my calling him or the air conditionning or washing machine... I remind myself there was never an intention to cause him getting lost. I'm also trying to volunteer to wash and look after some cats in a rescue center. Not succeeded yet as I think too much and I recall my nice memories with Ginger. I think we have to keep the healing process going. Step by step. The worst would be to pressurize ourselves.
  8. I'm under medication..and the doctors said I will be taking them for a long time
  9. I had my old doctor about 33 years and this one about 9 years. I came home and had to spend two hours on the phone with doctors offices, insurance, and pharmacies, ugh! Seems you just get through doing everything they want you to do and it's time to start the whole thing all over again! If I don't wish George was here...
  10. Yeah, I know that...don't relish it, but if I can't find someone to drive me, will have to be awake for it. Doctor sent a referral to one but haven't heard from them yet. Also have to see a dermatologist to remove a couple of moles off my back that she said looked iffy, she wants me to see a derm. every year to keep an eye on them. Lovely genes from my dad. Today I have to drive all the way to Creswell to get a shingles shot, only ones who have them. Ugh. After driving so much yesterday, I don't relish it. Got my haircut yesterday and the gal literally butchered my hair above and behind my ears, I look bald there now, no wonder she didn't show me the back of it, I aim to complain about it and find another place to go to. I will be embarrassed to show my head the next 4-6 weeks! Also have to see an eye doctor, nearest appt. is in June. Seems the older you get you spend all your time trying to stay alive, am wondering why.
  11. Every time I hear the name John Mellencamp, I think of George, he loved him...he used to go by Johhny Cougar. He shares my birthday, one year older than me.
  12. Samuel, I know initially it's painful to go through but try to keep before you what is in your best interests. I'm sorry for your diagnosis, but I hope you are able to work with your medical team to get it under control so it doesn't affect your life so much. My best to you.
  13. We would like to remind you that through the National Widowers’ Organization’s “Widower to Widower" peer support program, widowers are able to get in contact with another widower to share their experiences. Most widowers who have met others who also lost their wife can attest to the power of this shared connection. It is often another widower who can recommend a book, connect someone to a support group or another resource, or simply provide reassurance. Please visit “Widower to Widower” for more information. Thank you!
  14. Gwen: No, never watched Men of a Certain Age - sounds hilarious. Dee
  15. I have a hard time with music as songs have lyrics that I’ve heard forever have different meanings now. I only use the radio for an alarm as I hate beeping. My fav station has this unique ability to play songs that trigger either deep memories or say something different now. Today was Jack and Diane by John Melloncamp. Life goes on long after thrill of living is gone. Didnt have to turn over to know Steve was gone, always. Very disheartening way to start the day. I don’t know how many times I’ve woken to songs that were parts of our lives. Especially our song....Hot Blooded. I miss you Steve, more than words can say.
  16. I don’t know if you ever saw the show Men of a Certain Age, but 3 buddies decided to get thier scopes done at the same time. Ray Romano didn’t want the drugs and the look on his face when they wheeled him out was hysterical. Talk about bug eyed! Everyone I know that has one says it’s the only thing that makes the prep worth it. First thing they did was eat too....a lot! 🌭🍟🍕🍩🍳
  17. Reading your post was so uncannily like my experience. My Mother was suffering from COPD and developed pneumonia. Unlike a half dozen times since her diagnosis in 2010, she lost this battle just as I was returning to the hospital with a night bag to stay with her overnight. She left us on 4-3-19 and my reasons for being back home are different but the intent to care for my parents is the same. My Father isn't after Mom's money but he's showing signs of dementia and is quite forgetful. I have a Sister and Brother who help keep an eye out for him and he knows enough that we truly love him and will do everything in our power to help him. If there's anything that has helped me in this process, it's the saying that goes: You never get over the loss of a loved one. You just get used to it." Regards.
  18. Thank you kayc for your wishes, and my apologies for taking this long to respond. I, too, extend my condolences to you. As I read that you find it hard to believe that he's been gone for 4-1/2 years, I have a bevy of emotions and feelings that seem almost misplaced. Sometimes I'll cry as I would expect a Son to cry after his Mother has passed, then go three or four days in a sort of bubble where intellectually I know she's gone but then find myself also feeling a sense of disbelief. It's like I feel as if I should be sadder somehow or not entitled to be serene and accepting. Almost like what survivors guilt sounds like. I'm not scared or lost, just a bit perplexed about what I'm going through. At least I've had plenty of support in my family (I'm unmarried and childless) and I've been open about my feelings and unashamed of crying. As you may know, handling the unfinished business of a parent makes for a busy time and while my siblings are doing a lot of the work, I still find myself a little bewildered by what this is all about. I personally never cared for the notion of inheriting anything and often told my parents that I'll make it on my own steam. This is quite an intricate process getting everything switched over to Father so that he can finish Mom's task of what to do with the estate. I'm fortunate to have a Brother that I can trust with my life and who has an amazing aptitude for the process as well as an inextinguishable drive to see things through to their completion. Our Sister is just as driven toward turning Mom and Dad's house around in areas of modernizing, repair and general sprucing up. Me, I fill in the gaps and try to keep everyone humored despite my grief at the loss of the best person I'll ever know.
  19. Last week
  20. Gwen: Really??? Your answer made me laugh out loud. Tell me you were teasing. Or, maybe I have a sick sense of humor. I remember my last colonoscopy when my husband drove me home after the test, I was starving and we stopped so I could fill up on some carbs at a pancake restaurant. I can still his blue eyes staring at me as I blabbed my head off. Couldn't stop talking and he just sat there and listened to me the whole meal. Miss my sweet husband. Dee
  21. Have to have a driver after a colonoscopy unless you want to stay awake for it!
  22. Kayc: Our fur babies have alarm clocks that aren't always timed with ours. I really don't know how you can drive without coffee. I wouldn't dare get into a car to drive without my "fix". But, guess, we have to do what we have to do. I recently had to change my primary care doctor because of her retirement. I had been with her since about 20 years ago and followed her even though she moved her office about an hour away. Luckily, I was able to find a new primary care doctor, another female, that is only about 5 minutes away. I seem to be more comfortable with female doctors? The new doctor immediately referred me for two tests, a bone density, only 15 minutes away; and an ultra sound at a hospital located in downtown Tacoma, about 45 minutes away. Have not driven that area since my husband passed away 4 years ago. Brought back so many heart wrenching feelings as I had to drive myself. If he were here, he would have driven me and waited in the waiting room. I was holding my breath when she was asking when my last colonoscopy was. If she orders one, I will have to schedule it when my daughter comes for a visit. The last one, my hubby was there. More heart wrenching feelings. My hubby was there.
  23. Hey guys we finally broke up...I was diagonised with Bipolarism and she couldn't handle my depresive episodes...and my parents kinda blamed her for everything happening to me that's why she broke up with me
  24. Kay, will they do a colonoscopy with no one with you to drive you home? My sister went "to the big city" and kept her appointment, but one of the written rules was that she had to have someone drive her home. Of course, that was when she had a car, and I am pretty sure she read that on the instructions.
  25. Arlie woke me up at 2:30 needing to go out, which is rare for him, and I never got back to sleep. I'm going to pay for it today. I have to drive 110 round trip to the doctor, God if I don't hate going to the doctor, I'm getting fed up with this place and their attitudes which my sister says they get from the insurance. Maybe, but I miss my old doctor like you said, Gwen, he is a thing of the past now. I'm having to fast which I don't mind but sure miss my morning cup of coffee especially since I'm sleepy! Gwen, I'm sorry you had to deal with the ER again, I know that's no fun. I'm so envious of everyone who has someone to go through stuff with. They're already hounding me about a colonoscopy even though it's not due until September, they don't know what it's like to have such a long trip in and no one to take you...ever.
  26. So much of what you said hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. The above 2 particularly. I’m so tired of pillls and treatments being shoved at me despite my questions about side effects or long term outcome. All the doctors know is what they have been told and while many do achieve success, many don’t. But I expect to be listened to regarding my concerns as that leaves me researching it my own which always brings conflicting conclusions. I’ve tried the no looking something up route also and have had horrid side effects so I know it isn’t what I read, yet I do always have worry working against me. The few times I have managed to forget I took something new are long gone. I trust pharmacists more as they talk to patients more about reactions as they deal with larger populations with this stuff. Fortunately my doctor listens, it is the specialists I have too many of that don’t and can’t answer for another’s combo with theirs. I can’t eveb get them to consult with each other. They dump it back on my primary doctor who sent me to them because she can’t know everything and need the help too. It’s a huge Catch 22. I was in the ER Friday because I couldn’t breathe and felt my chest crushed. Besides taking 3 hours to even see a doctor, they just took xrays and blood and said it wasn’t an infection (I have a very bad lung condition) and said something about steroids, I think, which I cannot do and sent me home saying follow up with my docs. I kept telling them something is wrong and the most I could get was a 'flare up, maybe progression. I understand that ER's are not designed for long term care. They are for pointing you in the right direction. It being Friday all the docs are off. On call ones don’t know my history so that is usually pointless. I was so angry my arthritis doc said so many symptoms were thyroid, but would not order a test. You’d think she would want to know but wanted my regular doc to order it. A simple phone call on her part to the lab and all my docs would have access to it. I had to twist the ER docs arm to get it so I didn’t have to go back the next day to the lab. He saw the signs, but said it wasn’t what he was seeing me for. It was the breathing issue. And still no one can tell me why my breathing is worse since I quit smoking. Dragging around an oxygen tube and always so weak. So where does the trust come in? My retired doc was a hands on fighter for his patients. He didn’t adhere to these 20 minute visits. We’d go thru everything which often meant well over an hour. I always left feeling I meant something and my issues addressed with a real game plan. I love my new doc, but she is in the machine so I have to prioritize and pray I get enough in to handle what is the most pressing. Her nursecisnt like his nurse either about following up well. And thru these nightmares, I have to face them alone. No Steve to keep me grounded. Or try. I do know his presence was as powerful if not more to my anxiety meds which is all I have now. Little pills instead of someone to hold me or be with me like at the ER as I always was for him and ask questions til we got satisfactory answers. No one to stand back with a clearer head because as the patient you are afraid or in distress. I did that for years for him, no one for me. I get lost for words he could relate to them coherently. Yesterday I did my volunteering and had no shortness of breath. Today it’s back. But today is shopping day which I hate now. I give up saying any more as nothing makes sense today. It might be the day I break down and call the crisis line. And the thought of that just magnifies my loneliness. word salad"........chooose your dressing. Croutons with that?
  27. I think I will just get rid of the "word salad" I just put out. Sorry. Some days I feel like this.
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