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  2. We all feel that when we lose someone to suicide, and of course the father you knew would not do that to you...but he didn't do it to you, he wanted out of his pain, whatever was troubling him...but it affected you greatly, also his fiance I'm sure. I am so sorery for your loss. I would encourage you to get counseling. In addition to Marty's great articles, here is another:
  3. My dear, I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your dad. Death by suicide is one of the most difficult kinds of loss to understand and to bear, and it's important for you to know that you are not alone in this. I hope you will give yourself the benefit of some of the many resources available to you. Here is just a sampling: Surviving A Parent's Death by Suicide Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
  4. Thank you! I can't believe how much my son looks like me and my grandson looks like him! They came and finished the well, made a HUGE muddy mess! Worse than last time! I have no more gravel to put over the mud, and my M/C is tied up with paying them so will have to wait for rock to put over it. No one to rake it anyway, getting old sucks. My neighbor of 40 year died Sunday, found out yesterday. I worked with his wife 19 years ago, my heart goes out to her. She has kids around, that helps.
  5. My dad and I were always really close. He and my mom got a divorce when I was little, but it was better for our relationship because I ended up getting to see him more than before. We always had similar tastes in things and I took after him personally wise. I would call him one of my best friends. I’m 19 now. He missed my birthday this year. I didn’t get a text with old pictures or a “happy birthday, muffin!” this year. On February 19th, he took his own life at around 7am or so. I heard the shot. I thought it was just the neighbors target practicing out in the field again. It wasn’t. He was found by his fiancée at about 10. She assumed he’d walked over here to hang out and thought nothing of his absence until he’d been gone a little too long. That was the worst day of my life. It all felt like a horrible nightmare. I knew he had suffered from depression for a long time, but I never thought it would come to this. I know it’s not my fault, but I struggle with blaming myself. Could I have done something? I was in shock for a couple weeks, but now it’s hitting me hard. Random things will set me off into panic attacks or sobs. I’ll just have a memory of something he did, and then remember that I’ll never see him or hear his voice again. The last time I talked to him was the night before and we were laughing about fudge. I told him he’d have to come get some because it was free so I wasn’t gonna deliver it to him. He opted to not come get it and now I’m beating myself up for not just running it over- then I would have gotten to see him one more time. I know he had to have been hurting so much to do this, because the father I knew would never. It hurts more than I could have even imagined.
  6. Kay, your son is so talented. Truly a "jack of all trades". Hard to believe your grandson is 7 already!
  7. Went to my son's 40th bdy yesterday and we also celebrated my grandson's 7th from two weeks before, here is the cake my son made him...it's Batman but we dubbed it Fatman. One in London like this sold for $1172.00! And one of the men together.
  8. Oh that sounds just like it! Not enough fat, try fat bombs, I have one every day. I agree and coffee is mine. It'll be my last thing to go. For sure! Very annoying. This morning my mobile phone wants me to set a 6 letter password for Msgr, no thank you! You watch, one of these days they won't let me use it w/o one. Actually they do, they just kept threatening they wouldn't, but I lost mine six months ago, was still doing them then. You were lucky, I didn't hit it so lucky. No, 4 1/4 years and I haven't. I just find a Keto recipe that will take the place of whatever I want. It warmed up a couple of weeks ago and then went back to freezing, may get snow this weekend.
  9. Went to my son's 40th bdy yesterday and we also celebrated my grandson's 7th from two weeks before, here is the cake my son made him...it's Batman but we dubbed it Fatman. One in London like this sold for $1172.00! And one of the men together.
  10. Yes, my brother is a narcissist. he always thinks he knows best even though his advice is always wrong. I used to give it an ear and research it just to see but with his tracj record I just let it go. Like spending 10-15k on a bootcamp for UX...waste of money for many reasons it doesnt work for me. Maybe if I was a young man, sure. It's like the corporate loonies at Target and Walgreens when i worked at those places. 'We have the perfect plan, you cant fail. If you succeed its because we have the perfect plan, if you fail its because you didnt follow the plan properly.' anyway, I have more pressing issues. Been battling constipation off and on since surgery. Lately been a real issue and now im afraid its got me. I just dont get enough exercise I guess. Im trying some mineral oil and fiber capsules. The last thing I want is to go to the doctor, who may or may not see me and will use it as an excuse to do alot of the things they do to us old guys. Bought some plants yesterday and boy are they ever expensive now, lol. I still want a few more. I got a jasmine, in bloom. Two tropical ferns and a rosebush in bloom. Jasmine I planted at my old house years back and the rosebush is in memory of my folks. I want a few hanging baskets and a couple long planters for flowers and pumpkin. Give up coffee? I used to joke about never giving it up but I have temporarily. You have to have a few things to enjoy in life. Four feet of snow, wow. I bet Arlie was awesome. One of those guys who just got things done and didnt complain. These days alot of guys wouldnt even try. One thing I appreciate about my part of Tx is we dont normally get alot of snow. Id like to get some to be pretty to look at but not thst much. You do so well taking care of things with your snow. Microsoft sets Windows to do alot of things for us. Im sure theyd love to make it do everything, no matter what we want. I dont trust them at all. I think perhaps Kodie is a blessing for you. He's looking out for you and keeping you company. Panther has the life. A cozy place to sleep and a nice meal and gets to go roam around at night. I wonder if he hunts the yard and keeps the vermin away. Some people are still on older Windows like 8 or even 7. The bad thing is they no longer do security updates, so if the bad guys find a way to exploit 7 it wont be fixed. Im still on 10 simpy because everytime I upgrade everything makes a mess. I dont trust easily. This from a friend of mine upon me describing that something good is missing from life 'Def understand and feel it as well. The difference is now we are the elders and now realize that as adults we were always the ones who make it what it is. Everything is up to us to choose when or how life moments are special. As children we were the fortunate ones who had good parents who made it possible and did their best to make it happen and keep it that way. That is what we are missing - love. Now it is up to us. It is time for us to love our selves. '....I miss my folks, I miss the good days and they are gone. When i have a chance and the days get warm i'll take a pic of my plants to show. I dont expect theyll get real big but the jasmine I can smell thru my bedroom window if i open it. make me want to get another one. My balcony faces east so it gets the morning and noon light and then shade during the heat of day. If they need more shade I can move them close to the apt. Do you ever crave foods you shouldnt have? I resisted the 3musketeers craving at the store but got a frozen pizza. Ate one slice and tossed it, gross. I liked the mini tacos that come frozen when I was a kid. hadnt had em for years so one day tried em again, gross and greasy. You cant go back. My dad always had trouble liking food. It either wasnt made right or didnt taste right. I thought it was his sense of taste going away. but maybe it was also that they dont make it the same or as well anymore. Are you folks at the point the snow is letting up? When does it start to warm up? Hoping our week ahead is nice and quiet. take good care.
  11. Hey Tiger...I miss you...hows things? I wonder if you miss me?I wonder what your upto right in this moment. I love you Tiger..I will be waiting a little longer and plant some spring flowers by your grave... Snuggles is snuggled upto me..literally tiger I took him to the vets to get his nails trimmed recently..it took me 3 appointments to get him to the vets..he was very nervous to go..They showed me how to trim his nails so i can do it myself...lets see how that goes! Sometimes I lay here and wish you were together here with me. I know your in a better place. I always pray we will be together in another life. There is not a day that goes by where I dont think about you.....I love you Tiger...I miss you deeply my best friend...im sure snuggles does too..xxxx
  12. Nile, Still going strong. Your physical was good too, the vet is happy with how well you're doing. You haven't gained weight but haven't lost any, so that's a win for us both. You really enjoyed the tuna cake I made in celebration. It's been so nice spending all my days at home with you. Not having a job is stressful but I appreciate the time we get to have together because I know we may not have much left. And I'm still making ends meet with my employment benefits even though they took two months to kick in. It's just enough to get us by for now. I'll be happy when I find a new job but sad that I'll have to leave you at home while I go to work. But maybe all of this happened so we can be together right now. I know you absolutely love that I'm home all the time. I enjoy it too!
  13. "The Surviving Siblings Summit" will cover topics specific to siblings who have lost siblings and we welcome you to attend if you have experienced a loss of a sibling or you would like to learn more about sibling loss. The event will take place on April 20th virtually on an interactive platform for our attendees. Our keynotes and sessions have been crafted and selected to ensure that our attendees leave feeling connected, inspired and uplifted even after the devastating loss of a sibling. Whether you lost your sibling today or decades ago, there is something for everyone at our upcoming event. In addition, one of the incredible benefits of our event is that you can watch all of the keynotes and sessions for up to 90 days post the event on our secure platform. Networking and expo booth interactive is only active the day of the event. For tickets: https://www.thesurvivingsiblings.com/store/
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  15. Same age as my daughter. My heart goes out to you. Never give up, as long as there's breath...
  16. My Daughter who is 41 this year, is in the "Drug" world......my only positive is she lives South and less harsher climate...I've accepted a bad outcome, but she is still in my will....I do have hope...
  17. Me too, Kevin, it's a struggle...I went from Windows 7 to Windows 10 (PC quit so went to laptop) and then upgraded (if you can call it that) to Windows 11...what a challenge it's been! They said we'd have to within 1 1/2 years so I took the plunge. Not an improvement, either of them.
  18. He is still a very handsome fellow. I remember his baby picture that fitted his name. Thank you. Keep family close as you can. Sometimes they pull away on their own. Have not heard from my grandson in about a year, and he was in jail (for the winter). Somehow, long time druggies, if they are allowed to live long term, they find ways to take care of themselves. Not our choice. It is theirs. Breaks our hearts though. His dad thinks and worries every day, as I'm sure his mom does too. He is well into his 30's now though.
  19. Marg, Minor issues with new tablet and recovering photos from Old phone....I am somewhat challenged in these matters..
  20. The Men’s Grief Network® is a project of The National Widowers’ Organization to help men coping with the loss of a loved one. Read MGN blog, Dating blog, About Men’s Grief, Join a Webinar to learn more. Access Past Webinars on YouTube: Our webinars are free and available for you to view at any time. Our wide variety of topics are designed to help you start your journey from grieving to moving forward. Some of our more recent past topics include: • Keeping Those Feet Moving: Lessons from a widowed parent • Returning to the Dating World as a Widower • Using writing to help • Raising children after the loss of a spouse • How Long Should You Grieve: Navigating Social Expectations • Losses from Global Disasters: Challenges for Widowers • Navigating the Holidays as a Grieving Father • Grief Without Warning: A Gay Perspective on Grief Following the Unexpected Death of a Husband or Partner. • Handling the New Year as a Grieving Man • Dating: Sex After 50 • Writing Through Bereavement View Upcoming March Webinar: The Challenge of Guilty Thoughts Wednesday, March 27, 8:30 pm EST Presenter Greg Adams, LCSW, ACSW, FT is Program Coordinator for the Center for Good Mourning and Staff Bereavement Support at Arkansas Children’s Hospital (ACH). Greg has worked at ACH in a variety of roles and areas, including pediatric oncology and palliative care, since 1991. Register
  21. How're you doing?! I joined this group a year ago because I was going through the same exact thing and you can see here how many people experience a similar situation - you are not alone! My ex said similar things - that she had some doubts - but nothing was ever voiced or shown until her father passed; then, after the funeral she quickly and unexpectedly ended things and cleared the house of my stuff. I'm also in my 30s and we were together many years. Therapy is extremely important to keep you upright. Sometimes you cannot know or predict what others will do, even if you know them inside and out, so taking charge of your own life now is necessary, and you need to do whatever is best for you.
  22. I don't see you are a failure at anything. Value yourself, sometimes we're all we have. And your brother...is that surprising? No news is good news. Something wrong with him, narcissist?
  23. Haha, my DIL hasn't been here since she dropped her six month old baby here for me to watch, that was over seven years ago. Nope, she just wants to use me. I'm 71, how long does she think I can do this? They live three hours away in a very remote unmarked area where GPS doesn't work. I'm comfortable driving to Eugene over an hour away. I have food, just couldn't go buy fresh produce and creamer, finally did this week. i can always eat carnivore and give up coffee if need be. Only time it'd be a problem is like during the snowpocalypse five years ago when our power was out for over 8 days and cut off from the world, no plows, phones, electricity, etc. That was hell. We survived it. My son came on the middle day, hooked up his generator, for a day, after he left it quit. Refrigeratored food all went bad. Couldn't store food outside and attract wild animals but after I got my coolers I could...ever since I store my coolers on the patio in the winter. There was too much snow to reach the storage room where they were. The weatherman didn't predict it, worse than, they said it'd all be north of Salem, ha! Woke up up 4' 5" overnight! 18 degrees. My Arlie was a trooper. A few months later he was dead, inoperable cancer. I love Chrome. Windows 11 keeps setting default to other browsers, I had it set on 10 but they don't seem to let me keep it, change it every day. I've used AVG for years, it's never once let a virus or malware through. Over 20 years ago I had Norton, it let a virus through, it ate everything literally. My son came home from the service, wiped it clean, reloaded whatever windows they had back then (95? 98?) and set me up with this antivirus, and it's free. I also have AdblockerPlus. We're getting a break in the weather but it'll turn colder within a week, from Canada...hoping/praying I can make my son's 40th bdy party and help my grandson celebrate his 7th, all depends on if it snows within the next 8 days. We'll see. Kodie helps me accept my life as it is so much, I can't believe what a difference he makes. I noticed Panther had two matts on his back last night, had to cut them off, I trimmed a bit at a time as I didn't want to nip him and these were really thick. Weren't there last week. He was really good when I did it, held still for me which is a miracle! Windows 11 isn't an improvement from 10 imo but not horribly worse, I just hate how Microsoft is so invasive and takes over, I really hate them. But they're going to force our hand within two years or stop working so I took the plunge.
  24. Spent the last day and a half trying to fix this laptop with limited success. I had thought it was just the browser and switched away from Chrome. It had become very slow and wouldnt load pages, right after an update. But still having 'some' performance issues on the new browser. I scan every night with malwarebytes and its always clean. Ill try scanning with a different one to be safe. hate to get a new laptop as this one should be fine. Still sleep issues. I wake up at 6-7 usually and have trouble falling back. but mainly i just toss and turn all night. I always have but never this bad. i wake up halfway and fall asleep again. After being awake a few hours I feel ok but after i first wakeup i feel like crud. Wow, you got alot of snow. i vaguely remember as a kid outside Chicago we got alot but not as much as you have. I cant understand people anymore. Its like suddenly they dont know how to behave, theyre so selfish and thoughtless. Someone should be coming over to shovel that for you not making it worse. headed to the grocery store tomorrow if it kills me. It did rain all afternoon but still. I do love a good rain, the clouds and the cool weather, love it. Unless its real windy i should be able to sit on my balcony and watch the rain. The neighbors will think im crazy lol. Pardon me if any of this Ive told before. talked to a girl at the tax atty office. My Dad's tax guy too retirement finally, great guy. This was a junior partner. i love how everyone gives me the junior partner, because im old and because they dont remember me. She was very nice but didnt seem to know much, had to run sk some questions. But in the end told me no need to file taxes this year. next year i will tho. Finally got my refund from the mortgage company. Our Bluejays were bullies, hogging the birdbath and sitting in the trees screaming at everyone. I will miss the birds. When i was studying IT i took an old laptop apart. never do that again. Some say its easy and some say its the biggest pain in IT. I side with the latter. The space is too small and packed and its not made to work on. I think they push too much to make them small and thin. make them easy to work on and upgrade. but we live in a disposable world. easier to make em disposable i guess. Waste of money for consumers though. this laptop was about $650 and I can try and wipe it and reinstall windows and chrome or just buy a new one. I also like how Windows is pushing me again to go to Win 11... :(...it keeps downloading things for an update during the time its not supposed to. You know i never considered you might get so much snow that you couldnt get food. They need a system to help. Hope it lets up and you get to go. Maybe I can send a package of food. Or can you order from Amazon? Sorry you missed your friend's memorial. You can say some words. I try to remind myself to celebrate their life and the love they gave and the good times. its hard at times. I feel sorry for kids these days. When they get to be our age who will have told them how to understand life. We could but they wouldnt listen. I think each successive generation understands less about life and this one seems lost. Sometimes i feel that i failed miserably. But so far...im here and my brother has his money. Still have a couple things to do before its all done but the main things are. Sadly, i dont hear from my brother anymore, not even email. Thats probably for the best. But I think i've understood a few things. Guess we will see. Yes your DIL is nuts as can be. She sounds very self absorbed to the point of using people. Why doesnt she come down and shovel your driveway one time. Lol Thank you for the videos, i'll watch them tonight. I think I may never come to peace with my Life and maybe the secret is just accepting that. It is what it is and time to move on. Hope you get some nice warmer weather, get some groceries and a rest from shoveling. Take good care of yourself and Kodie and Panther.
  25. I hope you have a great time, even with XW there. I'm supposed to go to my son's 40th bdy 3/24, hoping/praying no snow so I can make it! His dad may be there, I don't know, his uncle usually comes to these things.
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