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  2. david, im sorry if you see this that way, in no way am i trying to be disrespectful, or trying to chance anyones mind to think like mine, merely was giving the theoretical chances, as noone knows. with all due respect, i dont want to be pushy, as everything i said there, is my dream, and it works, but it may not work for anyone else on this planet. was a thinking exercise more then anything, and the minds powerful. If there was absolutely no chance of anything, we would have 1 region. world wide. personally, i would be inspired to hear other peoples visions or all our fears, this does not mean i will read this as i must change, as no one will make anyone change, as i said im sorry if i came across this way, as i did not mean to disrespect. if given the chance to feel that, i will do it, and some people will be able to do this, depending on which side of the grief round table you sit. some people may not want to accept anything, as their grief lands on a different spectrum, and all answers are correct some are neutral, and will try absolutely anything to get any feeling back, even after prolonged periods of time i shall not assume anybody needs this information, as nobody knows what chair there sitting at, and musical chairs is about to start. but hey, why do we bother to do anything in life? usually its because we believe in ourselves to strive and succeed. i see millions of answers to every question, because there is a million different responses as we are indeed unique. once again i am sorry, i dont believe i crossed any lines here, i believe i gave suggestions that could be, or couldn't be, directing this at both ends of a spectrum, if you would rather grieve with the assumptions that are essentially mind made, you do that, if you want to believe thats the end, you do that to. the end is your creation not mine, and we have all have the chance to make it as wacky, fun, angry or downright funny as we like, or as i said, believe in dark void of continual torment. we also have the option to not listen to anything anyone has ever said, and write our own history, outcomes or possible terrible despair. the only thing we all have in common, is our day will come. and its up to you what you choose, we lost our imagination at around 15, some never truly lose it. we condition ourselves to what our eyes see, ears hear, touches and senses make up our immediate surroundings. we are trained to think and act the way we do threw social values and beliefs, its no wonder we lost our imagination, because reality is just that. i dont ask anything of you, but the question here is, do you ask anything of yourself? or do you believe the beliefs conditions by our reality, funnel fed down our throats from the first magazine we ever read. i dont want to know your outcome, beliefs on this because they may or may not conflict with my own. and hey if your on that last chair, been threw the lot and tried it all, you still get the liberty to choose to believe. or choose not too.
  3. I sure understand the guilt part it still eats at me every waking moment. My wife died right beside me and I didn't have a clue. Thought she had just fell again she did that a lot I asked if she wanted help I heard what I thought was no because she always said that. Turns out she had a heart attack and I just left her there to either be already dead or dying. To top it off my 10 year old daughter was the first to know something was very wrong because she wouldn't move and was cold, my little girl came home with mother's day crafts only to find her dead. I know there wasn't really anything I could do and have been told that so many times but they weren't there I was. I hope you find a way to truly realize there was nothing you could have done. Grief is hard enough without having guilt on top of it.
  4. This post and replies both apply and confuse me maybe I just need to go try and sleep. Grief sucks and I don't believe in an afterlife but I know a lot do and if that helps you then go for it. I wouldn't and shouldn't push my disbelief or belittle someone else's. I do know that it seems no matter what someone believes I can almost always find something in common with almost all post and replies and I sure wish I knew how to help everyone that is going thru this. I guess I just try to find something that I can use as a foothold to help climb out of this pit then another to climb the mountains ahead I
  5. i appreciate your honesty. and your right to have the opinion to what you believe and do not believe in, nor will i try to persuade you. from the response, i see true love, as the rest of us do. true love is a rarity to find, extremely rare if partaken by both party's. i see a long battle in my future, which requires me to remember about this situation ALOT. if i do not believe i will see her again, i have no use to strive, work or ...really anything as, it wouldn't make any difference in the history of time, when our demise comes, i have no world class talents, i am not a pop star for saving millions of people from diseases. i would like to add, i am not religious, i do not attend any church's, i barely do anything lets be honest but go to work put a fake face on just to take my mind away. If i did not believe this, because lets face it, noone here can answer those questions, and honestly, i think the end is darkness. i think theres nothing, as i guess most non religious do. But, why must we be followers of a certain outcome, when everything ever written is from people who have not experienced what they are writing about. picturing the places we will meet again, how, if at all possible, can we converse? can we feel our touch again?, lets face it, probly not. your religion is installed usually under the age of 8, by this stage, a child has been to enough events to be aware, and remember, and learn depending on the level of exposure they have been subjected to. But i figure, that makes me happy, i feel warm and fuzzy at the sheer chance, that this is possible. and i believe i am wrong, who knows we may morph into out original 10000 year old forms and uncover that this life, we done well. i know you cannot envision such a thing, but for one second, just try to imagine you to together , having a beautiful time, feel that hug, like really believe, because you know what, we both of theory's based on a myth, both have an even chance of being true. But i would rather think, you know what, i will see you, nothing will stop me, i feel the hugs, a warm fuzzy feeling, a rest comes over my body, not everyone may experience things this way, and thats fine, i do not wish to alter your vision, but theres a high Chance that every explanation is right. i dont gamble, i dont play the poker machines as iv seen the destruction they can cause, but this is one thing i will gamble on, because the more i think that slight chance is the one, the more i can feel her hugs. We will only find out when were there, so untill then, any warm fuzzy calming feeling, im going to take, as there is not any to mention in this reality currently. i sure hope im not staring into a vast black darkness, being aware of this but unable to do anything, but thats my luck anyway. how amazing is the other option compared? while we are still here, why not embrace that fact, which eliminates the anxiety of possible not seeing them again, in theory, when we go, we go. which instills that belief, that this is not the end. id rather think i am, then convince my self that i am not. once again i appreciate your opnion and views, and would never be disrespectful to change your approach to anything, but it still remains, everything is possible.
  6. Today
  7. Lost, I’m not really sure how to respond to your post. The main reason is I don’t have a belief there is something beyond this existence. Faith, religion, spiritualism. I would be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong. And if I’m not, I’d never know. My gut tells me I will never see Steve again and that is the agony of it all, He believed there was something, but not in a religious way. He didn’t know if he would see his parents, our dogs or it was becoming part of a collective of energy. All I know is he felt more. I don’t feel him or see anything that means a sign to me he is somewhere. Our novel is over as he was my life. I do all the things we both did alone now because I have to. Some I don’t because I can’t and they have no meaning. To use an analogy, the pen has run dry. I’m not writing a new one. I’m into my 5th year alone after 4 years of being a caregiver for him. 9 years of mine my have been derailed and I exist in a world I have no purpose and believe me, I have tried. You are new and I don’t want to repeat all the things I have place to thank as a haven to unburden with the family I’ve come to love here because they understand. As they will anything you feel. You are right, each of our journies are own and unique. But we bond here. I read your other post and am so sorry you and your son have lost so much. Wife, mother and problems where you work. You have a shared heartache with him, but they are different. I hope some healing comes with you having each other. I’m appalled at how your wife was treated by the paramedics. I have a panic attacks often and had doctors dismiss complaints knowing that. I don’t know how one finds closure for how she was treated. you will find so much support here. I hope it will help knowing people care and will help you with anything you feel. .
  8. I read your posts and empathize with you on this grief journey. Although, this is my fifth trip around the calendar without my beloved, Rose Anne, It doesn't lessen the pain or grief. I become accustomed to it as it travels with me everywhere. The sudden Shock and AWE of her sudden unexpected death has lessened over time, yet the reality is she is not here anymore and that void still stings. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all a part of what each of us goes through in this transition from we(US) to just me (without US). We all come to listen, learn, share, and care for each other as most people (out there) truly don't grasp the reality of our loss and grief. Thankfully, many of us found a safe haven from the battered storms and aftermath of death of our beloved. I pray you will find comfort in solace in that we do care and want you to know that you are not alone in this journey. Thanks to MartyT, Kayc, and many others hear we can continue on this grief healing journey towards the mark set before us. - George- Shalom (God's Perfect Peace be with you)
  9. Yesterday
  10. I vascilate. When the pain gets too intense, I wish I never met him. Thats when I see how dependent we became on each other in all the hard times. For me there is a level of anger that he never was alone, ever. I was the caregiver for over 4 years and now 4 years later there is no one there for me. But when it comes to true love, he is my definition of it. I knew other men but never felt what I did with him for very long. He was the one and had I never met him, I would have missed some incredible things. But also terrible ones. Love is messy but so fulfilling and can drive you crazy trying to figure it out. That is what death created as we didn’t do that before. It just.....was.
  11. Ahh yes, I have spotted the heart in the bottom corner, I never noticed them before, thank you for alerting me to them Gwen and Kayc...and a special thank you to Gin, iPraiseHim and Brat, is this the way publicly we thank them? Gwen... ...yes you are right..." our club that no one was expecting to join.." Kayc... ...yes we are not in control of our lives, my Richard has now proved this......yes April 11th, they say that things happen in threes, I too could not believe that these three things took place on ...the same date, April 11th, but they did and they have done...It was a shock when after Richard had died when I stepped into his bedroom and saw his calendar laying there with his last date written in, yes the morning he died, he had written on it my first dogs date of when we had lost her, when I saw that he had remembered her death day, I was very saddened as the day he had written it in, he obviously had no idea that that too would be the date-the day he would be losing his life also, i cried when I saw that he had remembered my dog number ones death anniversary, as she was actually my dog before we set up home together as an engaged couple 18 years ago... ...Oh for you your " as our Queen Elizabeth once stated.." 1992 was her " Anus Horibilis year " when she gave her Christmas televised speech, due to recent events...well we have both had ours...I read that yours was September 17th...yes that " chilled feeling all over.." You are right, like you, I dont feel " it was just a day.." I am so so sorry to read how many sad and terrible family occurrences happened to you on that sad and terrible to remember date.. Jackie...
  12. Wade, I have Asthma and you have just given me more information than any doctor has ever given me about it. Perhaps it will save my life someday. I am so sorry for your experience, that you and your son have lost the most important person in your lives, ripped away so young, in just a split second. I wish you well in your fight in court. She deserves her day. How do you go on, that is the question all of us have asked, how do we continue when the biggest piece of our puzzle is missing? I wrote this at about ten years out, the things that I've found helpful, I hope even one thing in it helps you, if not today, someday...the most helpful thing of all I've been told is taking one day at a time...but I want you to know also that finding this forum was a lifesaver to me. It's been so helpful to know there are others that get it and understand. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  13. I was going to tell you the same thing about the posts but I see Gwen already covered it. I suppose. I always thought we had some degree of control by our choices/actions, how we live, how we take care of ourselves, etc., of course there is our genetics thrown into the mix. But in the end it is our time up thing. I look at it like playing a hand of cards that we're dealt, both how we play and what we're dealt that affect the outcome. He did everything he could to stay here for you. April 11 seems to be a day of significance for you...in my family we had a day such as that...Sept. 17. It was the day of my sister's horrible accident, her losing her three year old, her becoming quadriplegic, my other sister's brain damage causing her falls throughout her life. After I married I found out my husband had a motorcycle accident with his brother, same day, same year, they had to piece his face back together, his brother suffered brain damage. They were in the hospital the same day as my family...20 years to the day, my MIL passed away. When I got the call (I'd been taking care of her as she was bedridden with cancer, during the daytime for three years) I realized it was September 17 and I felt a chilled feeling all over, my husband told me it was just a day, not to read anything into it, but it still gave me that feeling all the same. Just a day. I don't imagine it feels like just a day to you either.
  14. That nurse may have taken it out of my hands, but the moment before when I cried out to him to hang in there, I was doing the same thing you were...I wasn't accepting him leaving me! It takes a while for us to process this! And George had time that weekend to process it, I didn't. I had just been shown the test results. And who knows, my crying out may have been what prompted the nurse to throw me out. She had no way of knowing what was deep inside of me. Her action that moment was defining, it was huge, it impacted him and I, it ripped away my choice to be there by his side. They wouldn't have even known he was having a heart attack to call the code and come running, had it not been for me...I was the one who alerted them, they weren't paying any attention, they were chattering idly at the nurse's station. So what right did they have to toss me out in his last moments? To take away the right to see him into his next stage of life...the hereafter. AAlfred Lord Tennyson said "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I agree, but I've heard widows say they wish they'd never met their husband so they wouldn't be in pain now. Not me. I could never wish that. All of the pain is more than worth it for me to have known the most wonderful person in the world, the person that loved me the truest, that brought me the greatest moments of happiness. Oh that I could have that again! But alas I have yet to have glimpsed a moment of it. I have a friend who remarried after her husband's death, they are very happy. One of them is sure to lose the other someday and have to go through this loss again, but for these moments of happiness that they have found, it is worth it. They realize that, but they are living life in the moment. I helped talk her into it. I hope she doesn't hate me for it someday. I just don't see that living in fear of what could be is the way to live...to miss something wonderful just because you're afraid of losing it.
  15. Just remember, people's actions speak louder than their words. It's not so much what he said but what he did that speaks loudly...it tells you everything you need to know. If he ever came back and said yada yada yada, it wouldn't matter...you still have the image of what he did in your brain! Yeah, sometimes we don't FEEL strong, but I look at what I've gone through and survived and can only draw the conclusion that I AM strong. That doesn't equate to always feeling it though. And I did love having a partner (George) that went through thick and thin with me, someone who when he held me, I felt all was right with the world. Someone I could talk things over with. Someone I knew loved me, cared about me, had my back. It meant all the difference in the world. When you have someone like that and lose them to death, you have to learn to be all to yourself, treat yourself with understanding and patience, be kind to yourself, be your own best friend, pamper yourself. In the same way, when you lose someone to breakup, it's important to do this too. What we once got from that other person, we must now give to ourselves. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. You ARE, you know?
  16. Welcome, Wade. Words are often inadequate for such times and I am sorry for what you went through and are still going through. Arrogant (un)professionalism is something that helped lead to the death of my partner, as well, so I do understand a little of what you are saying. Closure was something I wanted and needed, and got some of that by pursuing a complaint against the worst offender with the state Board of Nursing. The only thing they could really do was include the complaint in the nurse's professional files and if he screws up again, the new complaint and mine will be reviewed together and disciplinary action will then occur. Should have occurred as a result of my complaint, in my opinion, but what do I know? I only knew Mark for 18 years whereas this jerk knew him for 18 minutes. Often times here all some of us can really do is click the little blue heart button to show our support. I know others here will chime in soon.
  17. Welcome Jackie. I’ve been reading of your battles and care very much as a member of this family here. It’s the club no one wants to join, but here we are. We have each other. you may be confusing reacting to responding to your posts. The heart in the corner means the person found much meaning in what you wrote and wanted you to know. Sometimes they don’t have anything to add, but want you to know they heard you. i hope you wil find the support I have found invaluable here. 🦋
  18. It is informing me that.....iPraiseHim - Brat - Gin.....have responded to my posts but, i cant see their posts anywhere... Jackie..
  19. Gwenivere, that's some serious insight to my own future. but you are still playing a vital role right now. you are staring in the roll of that aftermath, and you only have one person watching. the people that witness this on earth, are not of any importance in your roll. Regardless what anybody believes about the after life, spirits or what not. This is your challenge now, testing your wits, reactions and responses to gut wrenching situations. That one viewer you have watching, is your soulmate, fused only threw pure love. The afterlife is where finally our challenge will finish, with our beautiful spectator, applauding with tears in their eyes, at how resilient, strong, and damn beautiful we are, regardless of what color our hair may turn. that bond never breaks, its just extended, the bond will never even tear one inch, no matter how far we may stray, that line is tethered in each heart, and they beat together. The spectator , regardless of how we act, think, feel will be there, waiting to reunite, if it was fused by the purest of love. Now, it doesn't matter what happens in this limbo between, a little bit of time apart always makes for an unforgettable reunion. The challenge now is emotional, raw and as real as it comes, and it relates to your loves ones with you, as a chain reaction was started 10 years ago when treatment commenced. True test of inner power, intent and love. Both sides of the bond have scissors, and has the opportunity to go cold and cut the bond. But only you know when, why or how that could be. Be Strong, Be you, Be proud and Be aware, your the master and commander now, and the spectators love a good show, they love to see there bond striving, Them little wins, triumphs, and victory's puts a big smile on their face, and when your on a roll, you may even hear a chant coming from the other end, Go Baby Go!, but of course that chant could be what ever relates to you two. Take this how ever you need, or don't take it all, but my personal bond is only new, and god damn will i put on a a 6 star show for my spectator, they deserve nothing less, a blockbuster of epic proportions. we could be savages now, and it would be expected if we look at grief and history. no matter how brutal or shocking the rest of our performance turns out to be, true love shines in the end. Goodluck Gwenivere, there no guides, manuals or scripts for us to follow now. This story is our own and unique. Own it. We see blank pages, but a beautiful novel will soon become evident.
  20. Hi, my names Wade, im 29 and i have a 5 year old son. This year has shaken our world and changed the outcomes of our lives. In March, we lost our rock, our guide, the third piece of our family jigsaw puzzle. My partner of 10 years, my sons mother, passed away due to a sudden asthma attack at our family house. Unable to help, and having to watch it all take place is a realm i wish no one enters. Whats even worse, the paramedics came, before her fatal cardiac arrest, and mistreated my girl, because she was only 25 years old, fit and healthy in every other way, the paramedics assumed a panic attack and made her walk! to an elevator and down 6 stairs, even though she begged them not to move her, even though she told them 'i feel like i will die if you move me' clearly if you cannot breathe, your going to panic right? this i will never understand. The paramedics had all the information in front of them, they knew they were there for asthma, yet while inside they took no vital observations, did not monitor the heart, or even use a stethoscope. The assumption of a panic attack was made within the first minute of speaking with her, and that choice to move her without observations was fatal. I am currently going threw investigations with the QAS and Health Ombudsman , which will prolong my experience even further. I want to warn you all with loved ones with asthma. Asthmatics get good at living with their condition, so good they can hide and mask how bad they really are. My girl was an expert at this, and when the paramedics arrived she was able to converse in full sentences without a wheeze, this is 10 minutes before a cardiac arrest. First assessment no one would know she had asthma, even though she said she was worried about it and wanted it checked up, but they didn't want that, they wanted her to walk to the ambulance so they could get her to hospital in case it was to progress. Seems fair, but the moment she stood up, tears ran down her face and she knew it was not right, and begged for them to help her. Arrogant young paramedics kept telling her to calm down, your asthma is fine there no wheeze, your just having a panic attack. The way i see this, if she was 80 years old, and she said she feels like she will die, they would not have moved her and monitored until it was safe to proceed. The asthma was there, and always the concern, but had the paramedics spent a bit of time and done an examination, they wouldn't have moved her, and maybe avoiding the arrest. maybe she still would of had this arrest regardless, but we will never know. Once the body moves, it requires more oxygen to the heart, just as if we were exercising. Her airway was so blocked, but while in bed at home, she was able to manage as her heart was getting enough oxygen, just. but once she was made to move, the body required more oxygen to the heart, heart beats faster to account for the effort required to move. Once the heart reached a certain BPM, the airways where to blocked to allow the extra oxygen to the heart, causing it to stop. This in turn stopped the brain, at this time she was getting wheeled into the back of the ambulance on the stretcher she just walked to. CPR was commenced, she was brought back after 10 minutes of lifelessness. that arrest is what took her life, no blood or glucose to the brain causes damage, where ever there is damage it results in swelling on the body. When the brain swells, people can survive, but with permanent brain damage which would require 24 hour care. She did not pass away due to the asthma, her lungs made a full recovery in hospital, she passed away due to the swelling, which could of all been avoided, if proper duty of care was applied. Now, 4 months on, my son and i need each other more then anything in this world, we are glued together, hes back in school and i'm back at work to make ends meet. But i'm struggling with just continuing, how does one pick himself up, when i may never get closure, when someones else's split decisions decided my family's fate, then they dictate how the outcome will be, the little guy gets pushed to the side, and all of a sudden, its not even about the death, but about saving the top dogs positions. The world is greedy, but i have the rest of my life to fight this, i will not be pushed out of the courts due to financial woes, which is what it seems they are preying on. Bring it on!
  21. Thanks Kayc, I really like that bit of advice that I need to bring my own closure. I don’t have much to work with other than he didn’t really love me, was possibly lying that he did. I feel confident that I loved him deeply and was always patient and kind to him without putting any pressure on him. I hope one day he looks back and thinks wow she was a really good to me. I will work on the positive affirmations. Thanks for reassuring me that we all have bad days and sometimes we don’t always feel strong. Yesterday was a really bad day. I wish I could be over it and stop thinking about him but I understand it’s a process. I’m gathering that healing comes with time and distance and for me it’s early days yet. I also suffer from anxiety so I understand those feelings you were talking about. The situation Jim is in now sounds very toxic and I’m glad that’s not you living there because you definitely deserve more. You give me hope that I can heal and move on so thank you for your words of wisdom xx
  22. Last week
  23. I got to thinking of all the roles I have had in my life. Daughter, sister, cousin, student, telephone technician, artist, volunteer, cook, shopper, house keeper, friend, lover, dog mom, wife, and so many others. With the exception of blood ties, I was all of those with Steve. I am now older than he was when he died. I’ve never been alone to experience the extreme loneliness and intense craving for his providing purpose to this life. I’ve never been alone in my life, ever. Someone once wondered here If they were more afraid of dying or dying alone. My reaction was I am already dead. I can’t fill the increasing voids. I’m not a joiner. I’m one on one, even in groups. My life was complete by our being together. There’s no guarantee with progeny. I read about the times many of you have that reflects the relationship you and your love produced. Some are heartbreaking, others are gifts. We never had that, tho we tried. I’ve reached a place of missing physical intimacy only we shared. It’s beyond the physical pleasure, tho I so miss that. We lost that when he began treatment for cancer 10 years ago. But he was here and I could do the girlie things women do. I did them for me and him for how it made me feel like a woman. I really don’t think of myself as a gender anymore. I use the same stuff but it’s habit. I’ve stopping dying my hair. There’s no one to miss the blonde. I had a dream last night and the man was my husband. But when he tried to hug and kiss me, I was repulsed, it wasn’t Steve. He didn’t smell right, make me tingly, it was awful. I wanted to escape. So I don’t know what I accomplished writing this. I’m so messed up physically and psychologically. Maybe an exercise if I can coherently put someone together as I’m so fogged out. This took 3 days to do.
  24. Kayc... ...yes this is life changing...for the last 20 years my life-our life was following the same everyday pattern, now my life has been turned upside down, and it frightens me, terrifies me of what my future is going to be...I know I will have to sell up, as I cant keep myself here in this isolated yet stunning parkhome settings, one need s a car..if and when i move, i will be doing this alone, fr the first time we wont be driving to our new home together, nor stepping inside our new forever home together...It is going to be a very lonely and uncertain future... Jackie..
  25. CairnLady... ...whether we lose our loved one suddenly or not, we are never expecting it to happen, we are never prepared for it...Yes they do say " time is a healer."...Oh how i wish this was just a test, the taking over of the bills, the funeral-cremation arrangements-the dealings with the solicitors-the putting the home on the market-the will, ( we both made a will many years ago when we had gotten engaged, and were both fit, younger and both in perfect health, we had our whole lives ahead of us then, or so it seemed."...Thank you for keeping me and Richard in your prayers and blessings...My Richard is now at peace, but I am not...If this was a test, and I passed the test, will my Richard be waiting for me to give me my prize at the other end? if only.. Jackie...
  26. We was not married having found each other later in life, yes we should have married, Richard was devoted to me, looked after me, i did not want for anything, he was so laid back, we were complete opposites, I was the conversationalist, he was the quiet one, I am the worrier, he was the calm one, I am the realist, always looking ahead of what might be, I was usually right, he was the one putting things off, brushing things under the carpet, hoping that things would just go away, fade away, I was the to do today person, Richard was the " I will do it sometime, meaning never, if not pushed.." I was the one who did not want to live into my 80's 90;s or 100's, Richard could not see why he would not be one of them, he believed he would live to a good age.....Up until just less than 4 or 5 years ago, both of us had no health issues, we lived back home 140 plus miles away, had three gorgeous fur babies, " dog number one I had lost same date ten years ago to the date Richard passed away, same date four years ago when I was diagnosed with PP-MS...the dogs, fur-babies were the loves of my life...Yes they too have one by one left this earth and gone to the Rainbows Bridge, I have their ashes, my wish is to have them scattered with mine, I had made my Richard promise me he would do that, now he is here no more, he was not expected to go before me, this was not the way it was meant to be... Richards medical issues started to go wrong just a year or so ago..he was sent for various tests not long before last Christmas, but he took everyone in his stride, then the biggy came and hit us, he was told he was needing a heart valve replacement or repaired but due to his recent anaemia, or lack of iron, he needed an iron infusion that did seem to help with his breathing, his breathing problem had previously been diagnosed a year or two back as COPD, but now in hindsight I believe it must have been his heart all along which we only found out before last Christmas, this now became a concern even though Richard never talked about it, I knew he was worried about the upcoming operation that we had yet to be given a date but they needed first to rectify his anaemia-his iron...Up until late last year Richard had never been in hospital, never had any invasive tests, the camera up nor down him, well this I found amusing when he was told he was being booked to have them, I had often said to Richard " you have not lived until you have had the camera up you or down you..." as I had several years ago, plus an hysteroscopy as they were looking to see if I had cancer, thankfully I never, and this took place just three weeks after my PP-MS diagnoses... Well up unto a couple of weeks before Richard passing, his breathing had improved a tad but round the Christmas period his breathing was starting to show again and he was getting out of breath again, I asked him if his iron infusion was starting to wear off, or his COPD was worsening, well this was what was going through my mind, but as I had mentioned, when he was told that he was to need open heart surgery, there was no joke in this, the joke had ended for me and I know we were both very concerned at this news although Richard took all in his stride...Even the tests they sent him too, seemed to be one after the other,and the medications started to build up, inhaler - eye drops, he was due cataract surgery, but although I never like him " pill popping " as I called it, and all the other medications and stuff that was going into his body, his attitude was " well if they are keeping me alive,.." yes he followed the medics orders, he believed they were doing him good and keeping him alive, well I told Richard that my beliefs are..." when our time is up, it is up.." He had even intentionally dieted done COPD exercises with a a group for breathing problems, followed the medics orders, in his world he was doing everything right in keeping him alive, well where is he now? Marty... ... yes, Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, this I never saw coming nor do they know what causes it, there is no disease modifying drugs available for PP-MS...I am amongst the 10% or 15% of people who have the Primary Progressive..I was diagnosed late in life, there is no cure for MS, I was diagnosed at age 64, just four years ago, same date 11th April, that Richard lost his life...also same date ten years ago, was an Easter Saturday when suddenly i lost fur-baby number one...11th April.. Marty, thank you, yes I have already applied for - received, top-up benefits and have been having some help and guidance from the CAB and Age UK... Jackie...
  27. After the sudden loss of my partner Richard I have once again been listening to these three ( Christian ) songs I had posted a couple of years ago on another forum but now they have started me off crying as this time it is me who has lost my partner...I am finding these comforting yet very emotional and as expected, bringing tears to my eyes...they are just so beautiful... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVoyKpZOLkE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4BGCQMwKpY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A9FpPiCItM
  28. Kay, you were restrained away from him. I have no excuse except disbelief. I'm so sorry you were kept away. It was just me and Billy and God in that room and God decided to show me I was not boss. I think shock made me think I was in charge. One time a road mower threw a rock into Billy's side window. The glass shattered but stayed in one place, and I learned the meaning of safety glass. It shook me up so bad, he would have been killed. He knew how much he meant to me. His little tall, lanky body had taken all it could in the ER and he was puking his guts out with me feeding him the morphine. I hope it helped him. Any pain our partners felt at that time of leaving us, we have felt every day since. I see my sister hating marriage (she lived with my folks a lot longer than I did), and her determination not to have a mate of any sort, now she is alone with only me and my kids. Her disposition repels close friendship, like my mom's did. And I don't remember which poet said it, (not gonna google it), but it is so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We miss them, we loved them, we feel guilt, we feel loneliness, sometimes anger, but at one time our life was full, we knew happiness of love and being loved in return. Some do not have that ever. I was talking about reading on another forum and mentioned that my new husband was jealous of my books at first, until I got him to reading. Innocent statement, but I had to go back and put in parentheses (new husband in 1961), and thought it rather comical that someone at my age, depth of my marriage would be mistaken to have a "new" husband. I even heard from a long lost relative. After so many years, good and bad, how could you marry again without unfair comparison. Some do, but they are a lot younger than I am and did not marry as a child and grow up into an adult along with that husband. I'll quit backtracking and say some can, some cannot.
  29. This is a process, a life long process, you have all the time in the world, take a day at a time, whatever you can handle right now, try not to worry about everything at once, it all feels a bit much! Every person here has felt that way, still does a lot of the time! The only difference between you and me in our grief is I've had more time under my belt. When my George died, I hadn't a clue where to start with this! I'd lost my dad, niece, nephew, friends, pets, grandparents, but it's not the same as losing your spouse, that person you counted on to go through life with. He was the one who helped me through things, what do you do when that person is gone! You learn to rely on yourself...it doesn't happen overnight, but I look back over the years since he's been gone and I'm amazed at some of the stuff I've made it through...things have a way of working out even when you can't see it. It will be one decision at a time, live in that moment, that day. I know your feelings, I hear you, been there, we all have...are. We want to walk on this journey with you, be here for you. We'll hear your heart's cry, we may not have answers, but we can listen, we can sit with you. Sometimes that's what we need the most. (((hugs)))
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