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  2. Hi, my names Wade, im 29 and i have a 5 year old son. This year has shaken our world and changed the outcomes of our lives. In March, we lost our rock, our guide, the third piece of our family jigsaw puzzle. My partner of 10 years, my sons mother, passed away due to a sudden asthma attack at our family house. Unable to help, and having to watch it all take place is a realm i wish no one enters. Whats even worse, the paramedics came, before her fatal cardiac arrest, and mistreated my girl, because she was only 25 years old, fit and healthy in every other way, the paramedics assumed a panic attack and made her walk! to an elevator and down 6 stairs, even though she begged them not to move her, even though she told them 'i feel like i will die if you move me' clearly if you cannot breathe, your going to panic right? this i will never understand. The paramedics had all the information in front of them, they knew they were there for asthma, yet while inside they took no vital observations, did not monitor the heart, or even use a stethoscope. The assumption of a panic attack was made within the first minute of speaking with her, and that choice to move her without observations was fatal. I am currently going threw investigations with the QAS and Health Ombudsman , which will prolong my experience even further. I want to warn you all with loved ones with asthma. Asthmatics get good at living with their condition, so good they can hide and mask how bad they really are. My girl was an expert at this, and when the paramedics arrived she was able to converse in full sentences without a wheeze, this is 10 minutes before a cardiac arrest. First assessment no one would know she had asthma, even though she said she was worried about it and wanted it checked up, but they didn't want that, they wanted her to walk to the ambulance so they could get her to hospital in case it was to progress. Seems fair, but the moment she stood up, tears ran down her face and she knew it was not right, and begged for them to help her. Arrogant young paramedics kept telling her to calm down, your asthma is fine there no wheeze, your just having a panic attack. The way i see this, if she was 80 years old, and she said she feels like she will die, they would not have moved her and monitored until it was safe to proceed. The asthma was there, and always the concern, but had the paramedics spent a bit of time and done an examination, they wouldn't have moved her, and maybe avoiding the arrest. maybe she still would of had this arrest regardless, but we will never know. Once the body moves, it requires more oxygen to the heart, just as if we were exercising. Her airway was so blocked, but while in bed at home, she was able to manage as her heart was getting enough oxygen, just. but once she was made to move, the body required more oxygen to the heart, heart beats faster to account for the effort required to move. Once the heart reached a certain BPM, the airways where to blocked to allow the extra oxygen to the heart, causing it to stop. This in turn stopped the brain, at this time she was getting wheeled into the back of the ambulance on the stretcher she just walked to. CPR was commenced, she was brought back after 10 minutes of lifelessness. that arrest is what took her life, no blood or glucose to the brain causes damage, where ever there is damage it results in swelling on the body. When the brain swells, people can survive, but with permanent brain damage which would require 24 hour care. She did not pass away due to the asthma, her lungs made a full recovery in hospital, she passed away due to the swelling, which could of all been avoided, if proper duty of care was applied. Now, 4 months on, my son and i need each other more then anything in this world, we are glued together, hes back in school and i'm back at work to make ends meet. But i'm struggling with just continuing, how does one pick himself up, when i may never get closure, when someones else's split decisions decided my family's fate, then they dictate how the outcome will be, the little guy gets pushed to the side, and all of a sudden, its not even about the death, but about saving the top dogs positions. The world is greedy, but i have the rest of my life to fight this, i will not be pushed out of the courts due to financial woes, which is what it seems they are preying on. Bring it on!
  3. Today
  4. Thanks Kayc, I really like that bit of advice that I need to bring my own closure. I don’t have much to work with other than he didn’t really love me, was possibly lying that he did. I feel confident that I loved him deeply and was always patient and kind to him without putting any pressure on him. I hope one day he looks back and thinks wow she was a really good to me. I will work on the positive affirmations. Thanks for reassuring me that we all have bad days and sometimes we don’t always feel strong. Yesterday was a really bad day. I wish I could be over it and stop thinking about him but I understand it’s a process. I’m gathering that healing comes with time and distance and for me it’s early days yet. I also suffer from anxiety so I understand those feelings you were talking about. The situation Jim is in now sounds very toxic and I’m glad that’s not you living there because you definitely deserve more. You give me hope that I can heal and move on so thank you for your words of wisdom xx
  5. Yesterday
  6. I got to thinking of all the roles I have had in my life. Daughter, sister, cousin, student, telephone technician, artist, volunteer, cook, shopper, house keeper, friend, lover, dog mom, wife, and so many others. With the exception of blood ties, I was all of those with Steve. I am now older than he was when he died. I’ve never been alone to experience the extreme loneliness and intense craving for his providing purpose to this life. I’ve never been alone in my life, ever. Someone once wondered here If they were more afraid of dying or dying alone. My reaction was I am already dead. I can’t fill the increasing voids. I’m not a joiner. I’m one on one, even in groups. My life was complete by our being together. There’s no guarantee with progeny. I read about the times many of you have that reflects the relationship you and your love produced. Some are heartbreaking, others are gifts. We never had that, tho we tried. I’ve reached a place of missing physical intimacy only we shared. It’s beyond the physical pleasure, tho I so miss that. We lost that when he began treatment for cancer 10 years ago. But he was here and I could do the girlie things women do. I did them for me and him for how it made me feel like a woman. I really don’t think of myself as a gender anymore. I use the same stuff but it’s habit. I’ve stopping dying my hair. There’s no one to miss the blonde. I had a dream last night and the man was my husband. But when he tried to hug and kiss me, I was repulsed, it wasn’t Steve. He didn’t smell right, make me tingly, it was awful. I wanted to escape. So I don’t know what I accomplished writing this. I’m so messed up physically and psychologically. Maybe an exercise if I can coherently put someone together as I’m so fogged out. This took 3 days to do.
  7. Kayc... ...yes this is life changing...for the last 20 years my life-our life was following the same everyday pattern, now my life has been turned upside down, and it frightens me, terrifies me of what my future is going to be...I know I will have to sell up, as I cant keep myself here in this isolated yet stunning parkhome settings, one need s a car..if and when i move, i will be doing this alone, fr the first time we wont be driving to our new home together, nor stepping inside our new forever home together...It is going to be a very lonely and uncertain future... Jackie..
  8. CairnLady... ...whether we lose our loved one suddenly or not, we are never expecting it to happen, we are never prepared for it...Yes they do say " time is a healer."...Oh how i wish this was just a test, the taking over of the bills, the funeral-cremation arrangements-the dealings with the solicitors-the putting the home on the market-the will, ( we both made a will many years ago when we had gotten engaged, and were both fit, younger and both in perfect health, we had our whole lives ahead of us then, or so it seemed."...Thank you for keeping me and Richard in your prayers and blessings...My Richard is now at peace, but I am not...If this was a test, and I passed the test, will my Richard be waiting for me to give me my prize at the other end? if only.. Jackie...
  9. We was not married having found each other later in life, yes we should have married, Richard was devoted to me, looked after me, i did not want for anything, he was so laid back, we were complete opposites, I was the conversationalist, he was the quiet one, I am the worrier, he was the calm one, I am the realist, always looking ahead of what might be, I was usually right, he was the one putting things off, brushing things under the carpet, hoping that things would just go away, fade away, I was the to do today person, Richard was the " I will do it sometime, meaning never, if not pushed.." I was the one who did not want to live into my 80's 90;s or 100's, Richard could not see why he would not be one of them, he believed he would live to a good age.....Up until just less than 4 or 5 years ago, both of us had no health issues, we lived back home 140 plus miles away, had three gorgeous fur babies, " dog number one I had lost same date ten years ago to the date Richard passed away, same date four years ago when I was diagnosed with PP-MS...the dogs, fur-babies were the loves of my life...Yes they too have one by one left this earth and gone to the Rainbows Bridge, I have their ashes, my wish is to have them scattered with mine, I had made my Richard promise me he would do that, now he is here no more, he was not expected to go before me, this was not the way it was meant to be... Richards medical issues started to go wrong just a year or so ago..he was sent for various tests not long before last Christmas, but he took everyone in his stride, then the biggy came and hit us, he was told he was needing a heart valve replacement or repaired but due to his recent anaemia, or lack of iron, he needed an iron infusion that did seem to help with his breathing, his breathing problem had previously been diagnosed a year or two back as COPD, but now in hindsight I believe it must have been his heart all along which we only found out before last Christmas, this now became a concern even though Richard never talked about it, I knew he was worried about the upcoming operation that we had yet to be given a date but they needed first to rectify his anaemia-his iron...Up until late last year Richard had never been in hospital, never had any invasive tests, the camera up nor down him, well this I found amusing when he was told he was being booked to have them, I had often said to Richard " you have not lived until you have had the camera up you or down you..." as I had several years ago, plus an hysteroscopy as they were looking to see if I had cancer, thankfully I never, and this took place just three weeks after my PP-MS diagnoses... Well up unto a couple of weeks before Richard passing, his breathing had improved a tad but round the Christmas period his breathing was starting to show again and he was getting out of breath again, I asked him if his iron infusion was starting to wear off, or his COPD was worsening, well this was what was going through my mind, but as I had mentioned, when he was told that he was to need open heart surgery, there was no joke in this, the joke had ended for me and I know we were both very concerned at this news although Richard took all in his stride...Even the tests they sent him too, seemed to be one after the other,and the medications started to build up, inhaler - eye drops, he was due cataract surgery, but although I never like him " pill popping " as I called it, and all the other medications and stuff that was going into his body, his attitude was " well if they are keeping me alive,.." yes he followed the medics orders, he believed they were doing him good and keeping him alive, well I told Richard that my beliefs are..." when our time is up, it is up.." He had even intentionally dieted done COPD exercises with a a group for breathing problems, followed the medics orders, in his world he was doing everything right in keeping him alive, well where is he now? Marty... ... yes, Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, this I never saw coming nor do they know what causes it, there is no disease modifying drugs available for PP-MS...I am amongst the 10% or 15% of people who have the Primary Progressive..I was diagnosed late in life, there is no cure for MS, I was diagnosed at age 64, just four years ago, same date 11th April, that Richard lost his life...also same date ten years ago, was an Easter Saturday when suddenly i lost fur-baby number one...11th April.. Marty, thank you, yes I have already applied for - received, top-up benefits and have been having some help and guidance from the CAB and Age UK... Jackie...
  10. After the sudden loss of my partner Richard I have once again been listening to these three ( Christian ) songs I had posted a couple of years ago on another forum but now they have started me off crying as this time it is me who has lost my partner...I am finding these comforting yet very emotional and as expected, bringing tears to my eyes...they are just so beautiful... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVoyKpZOLkE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4BGCQMwKpY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A9FpPiCItM
  11. Kay, you were restrained away from him. I have no excuse except disbelief. I'm so sorry you were kept away. It was just me and Billy and God in that room and God decided to show me I was not boss. I think shock made me think I was in charge. One time a road mower threw a rock into Billy's side window. The glass shattered but stayed in one place, and I learned the meaning of safety glass. It shook me up so bad, he would have been killed. He knew how much he meant to me. His little tall, lanky body had taken all it could in the ER and he was puking his guts out with me feeding him the morphine. I hope it helped him. Any pain our partners felt at that time of leaving us, we have felt every day since. I see my sister hating marriage (she lived with my folks a lot longer than I did), and her determination not to have a mate of any sort, now she is alone with only me and my kids. Her disposition repels close friendship, like my mom's did. And I don't remember which poet said it, (not gonna google it), but it is so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We miss them, we loved them, we feel guilt, we feel loneliness, sometimes anger, but at one time our life was full, we knew happiness of love and being loved in return. Some do not have that ever. I was talking about reading on another forum and mentioned that my new husband was jealous of my books at first, until I got him to reading. Innocent statement, but I had to go back and put in parentheses (new husband in 1961), and thought it rather comical that someone at my age, depth of my marriage would be mistaken to have a "new" husband. I even heard from a long lost relative. After so many years, good and bad, how could you marry again without unfair comparison. Some do, but they are a lot younger than I am and did not marry as a child and grow up into an adult along with that husband. I'll quit backtracking and say some can, some cannot.
  12. This is a process, a life long process, you have all the time in the world, take a day at a time, whatever you can handle right now, try not to worry about everything at once, it all feels a bit much! Every person here has felt that way, still does a lot of the time! The only difference between you and me in our grief is I've had more time under my belt. When my George died, I hadn't a clue where to start with this! I'd lost my dad, niece, nephew, friends, pets, grandparents, but it's not the same as losing your spouse, that person you counted on to go through life with. He was the one who helped me through things, what do you do when that person is gone! You learn to rely on yourself...it doesn't happen overnight, but I look back over the years since he's been gone and I'm amazed at some of the stuff I've made it through...things have a way of working out even when you can't see it. It will be one decision at a time, live in that moment, that day. I know your feelings, I hear you, been there, we all have...are. We want to walk on this journey with you, be here for you. We'll hear your heart's cry, we may not have answers, but we can listen, we can sit with you. Sometimes that's what we need the most. (((hugs)))
  13. Marg, You always have such a way with words, so able to express yourself. I didn't want George to go either, when I cried out while they were working on his heart to "hang on" he shook his head no. Again I cried out, again he shook his head. I have always regretted that the nurse threw me out after that and locked the door behind me on the ward, because at that moment I wanted to put his needs ahead of my own and be there for him, I wanted to stand by him and gently stroke his hair while he made his way into whatever is next for us...but I was deprived of that. We carry that regret forever. It is a hard thing to process, a hard thing to absorb that your husband is leaving you for good...albeit cancer or heart attack, it's a damned cold process, isn't it! My heart goes out to you as I heart your heart's cry. No, they didn't will to leave, it was not on purpose, they had no choice in the matter, any more than we did.
  14. Give yourself positive affirmations. They have them at Barnes & Noble, also here https://www.amazon.com/s?k=positive+affirmations+cd&gclid=CjwKCAjw67XpBRBqEiwA5RCocYqWw2xtQxTuXa_DoDbIp3Fk0RxeOgHIQO3PZ94FW1IaNYyN1i6AchoCExYQAvD_BwE&hvadid=241915761545&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9032139&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6446622430055432208&hvtargid=kwd-506655733&hydadcr=24630_10399597&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_5pf1ceeubc_e Play it every day and listen, let it go into your subconscious while you're fixing dinner, etc. I was actually surprised when I went back and read some on that thread about my breakup with Jim...I didn't remember some of that, but it doesn't matter that he said he loved me, he was mixed up and didn't know his own mind, he would react this way, that way, it drove me crazy, that's why I had to wall up to protect myself, I knew there'd be no follow through to match it. I love him dearly (as a friend) but am so glad we didn't marry as is. You can bring your own closure even when others don't provide it, it's harder, we like things nice and neat, but you can do it, I have. When they don't offer explanations, when you don't understand what happened, you still have things you can piece together. You can realize they weren't relationship material or they couldn't have done what they did. Keep your heart and eyes open for one that is, when you are sufficiently healed, of course. You are loving, kind, honorable, remember that and remind yourself often! We all have bad days, that's okay! I have GAD and it is it's worst in the middle of the night, I don't know why, that's when everything looks bleak and I can feel like Eeyore. In the middle of the night I quote, "He will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee." I also remind myself that things will look better in the morning, and they do. This is kind of like that, you have to remind yourself of the things that are good about you, what you deserve, and what you don't. You did not earn this break up! You did nothing to cause it! It is him. Lay the responsibility on him. If you'd done something to contribute to it, it'd be different, then you learn from that and move on with your life. But I'm not reading that in your situation. You are going to be okay, it's just a matter of going through this process, and it can be downright painful! But you'll get through it. By the way, Jim's ex wife is living with him, has been a few years now, they aren't a couple, no romance, she would have been homeless and he took pity on her. But it's not healthy for him to have her there, I can hear her interjecting when we talk and I know it grates on him, it does on me! she does little to nothing around the place, he feels he has to take care of her. Interesting, he never felt that way about me, but she is childish and doesn't have a clue how to take care of herself. I, on the other hand am independent, yes, strong, and deal with life on my own...I think that both impressed and intimidated him. He's been someone who has procrastinated horribly but is for the first time in his life trying to deal with some things, he's getting treatment for the first time, and had some medical scares that woke him up and he's dealing with them...again, for the first time in his life. I'm proud of him but wish he could get his ex out of his life for his sake...that probably won't happen though. People allow what they want to allow. If he truly didn't want her there, she wouldn't be. Their daughter tried to get her to move out but they're kind of like codependent. I don't need a partner like that in my life. He's great as a friend, but as a partner, not so much. I feel bad saying that because I do care for him and consider him a close friend, but it's reality. Sometimes I don't feel strong. Sometimes I'd like someone to lean on and they can lean on me, like it was with my George. Someone who is a true partner, equal, a relationship where we both contribute and care. And you're not pushing me away, not in the least! You're honest, which I find refreshing.
  15. Dear Jackie, I too am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband, and I can only imagine how isolated and alone you must feel. Since in addition to the death of your spouse you also are dealing with PPMS (primary progressive multiple sclerosis), you need and deserve whatever support you can find. I see that you live in the UK. Have you reached out to learn whatever support is available to you there? (See, for example, Apply for a needs assessment by social services and Aftering ). Clearly you are in need of both physical and emotional support and, although you may not be inclined to do so, I hope you will muster the energy to reach out for it. Meanwhile, we are here for you, and of course we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. ♥
  16. My dear Jackie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved husband Michael suddenly and without warning in July of 2016. I had the same feelings and thoughts that you are going through right now. I too did not want to go on and didn’t know how I would survive. Right now please just try to take things a minute or an hour at a time. Please also be very gentle and kind to yourself, make sure you drink enough water and eat healthy food. Seek out a grief counselor who can help you deal with all of the overwhelming emotions. This is not an easy journey, but after 3 years for me, I can say things have become a bit of more manageable. I still have to take things one day at a time, but trust that things will also soften for you. It is a hard road, this grief journey, so just take baby steps. Prayers and Blessings to you.
  17. Thank you MartyT! I know I provided my absolute best in that relationship, space, freedom, love and support always so this is true, I’m not inferior. Thank you for the reminder while I was having a bad day xx
  18. People think i am a strong person but deep down I am as weak as the next person, there has not been one day i have not cried, some days I just go to pieces and tell my Richard I have had enough, I dont want to go on anymore...I am dealing with solicitor, the takeover of all bills ( my Richard done all this from day one ) I truly had an easy and spoilt life, also one by one we had lost three dogs, oh and fur baby number one I lost on an Easter Saturday ten years ago, she was ten, and would you believe she too passed away on the same date 11th April...Yes there have been times I just want to be taken too, I just dont want to carry on, I cant cope with everything anymore, it is all getting ontop of me...I just want to be with Richard, his ashes have now reached back home some 140 plus mils away, back where we used to live until my MS diagnoses took me-us away from a house with stairs for our parkhome that is so far out from nowhere and the people are so unfriendly only one lovely lady sets foot to check on me, I am totally alone in this home and still looking at the armchair where my Richard had died in...Richards ashes are now back home with his brother and his parents at the local crematorium, my ashes when the time comes wont be with him, it was his sister age 83 who dealt with that, I gave my consent, and I want my ashes to be scattered with my three dogs, dogs ashes are not allowed there..I am now completely alone and I really do not like this one bit, i am terrified of my future without my Richard by my side, I will even have to sell up and move as I live on a steep slope, way down in the valleys where hardly any help, anyone will venture here to, but where do I move to? or what do i move to? I have no idea, and even this frightens me, the thought of dealing with all this by myself with my PP-MS, also now I am dealing with the solicitors who are back home some 140 plus miles away..I really am not liking this life, I just want my old life back, my Richard, our bricks and mortar house, my-our three fur babies but of course I know this can never happen, he is gone now forever, I will never see his face nor hear his voice ever again, oh i talk to him all the time and I am sure he is still very much with me, although I have yet to receive any sign, and I do believe in an after-life, a spiritual world, although Richard had no beliefs, his belief was " when you are dead, you are dead, " nor do i feel his presence but, I know he would never leave me, as that was the loyal to me person that he was...he was totally loyal and 100% reliable, all the 20 years I had known him, I had never ever known him to let anyone down... Thank you so much Kayc, I shall read your " tips " on dealing with our grief...but I truly think I have a very long way still to go, I have a long road ahead of me...If only Richard was waiting for me at the other end, it would all be worth it...oh just to hear him say, " well done Jackie, so what kept you? " Yes this was not the way it was meant to be, Richard had always been the healthy one, i was meant to go first, not him... Please pray for me that i am given the strength to face another day, and to deal with all that comes my way... Each day i read from my daily devotional book " Jesus Calling " enjoying Peace in His presence... by Sarah Young.." Jackie....sending ((( hugs ))) to all who are needing them...
  19. Dear one, I hope you will paste this quotation on your bathroom mirror and heed its message:
  20. Thanks Kayc for sharing that. Reading it broke my heart for you. I can see the depths of emotions that relationship bought you! I guess it’s still early days for me yet. Although you never were able to trust this man again you did get to talk to him and he eventually told you he loved you! You worked on yourself in the meantime while grieving. You must be so very strong. I can only wish that I will ever receive that type of closure but I know he will never contact me again because he is so stubborn. This lack of closure is making it so worse for me. I’m not feeling very strong today, and I guess I’m feeling like a discarded bit of trash. I know there will be up and down days as I’ve seen you go through them when I read your thread. Thank you for talking to me, you are the only one who has reached out to me in this time of need and I appreciate it so much. I don’t know what else to say really as it’s a bad day. I just feel so worthless and this heartbreak is really affecting my health even though I’m doing all the things friends have suggested. I’m sorry, I don’t even know if I’m making sense right now. I read the articles that you sent and thank you, but I will have to revisit them when I am stronger I think. I can see you had many bad days and I admire your strength. I’m scared of pushing people away and them abandoning me because of this heartbreak so I hope me writing that I’ve had a bad day doesn’t push you away either. Sorry if I’m not making sense, I’m just a mess.
  21. Billy's whole system was enveloped with cancer. I typed transcription for 43 years. I thought I knew something. I did know black letters typed on white paper somewhere in a million patient's charts. I did not know Billy was leaving me. I even angrily hit his hands when he was telling me he had to go when he had his one big .......I'm at a loss for words. Impossible for me to be at a loss for words. I hit his hands and told him "NO!!!" and he did not listen to me. He left anyhow. I wanted to go first. Dammit, I was always the sickest. He had to take care of me so many times through life or death times. We were going to have another miracle. He could not give up. But he did. He had to, and three years and nine months later I am still here. I think the guilt sometimes is forgot for moments and days at times. Then, there it is and I say to those low hanging clouds "I cannot believe you left me." But he did, and it was not on purpose, and I would not talk about how sick he was with him, he knew. He knew I knew. That man was so slow and lanky with his movements, never in a hurry, always there to take my anxiety away. I really have let up on myself a lot over this time, and you will too. We just miss them so much. You love a lot, you hurt a lot.
  22. Last week
  23. Lillama I am sorry for your loss of your special bunny you should check out aplb they have a pet loss chat every mon,tues,wed and fri 8 to 10 edt. Sunday is 2 to 4pm edt. It is tough after a first close pet loss when i lost my first adult pet i was close to your age then and how it was like this feeling you didnt want to let go but you do even tho its so hard too. Even with losses and social you just go are people staringvat me more that you dont really want to go out. What helps treat yourself to a special treat or meal even if its delivery. Get stuff like a bunny coloring book write thoughts or letters to your bunny, dry erase boards could also do that ,getting canvas n painting is great therapy too. Including let your emotions flow. Make a flower heart out of petals where you buried him.
  24. Yeah, I can relate... my partner developed a pulmonary blood clot, among other things, and after he passed away, I blamed myself for months for not calling 911 myself (even though he was in a "rehab" facility at the time), or pushing the nurses harder to identify what was wrong, etc. it's incredibly easy to beat oneself up over these things. I will also say that men, in particular, do what yours did in getting annoyed or defensive when loved ones push them to take action or seek help. It's just a guy thing and while it's stupid, it is what it is. I hope you will, in time, be able to put the self-blame into better perspective, although I will say it can linger for a long time.
  25. Jackie, Welcome here, I am so sorry you, too, have lost your husband. It's weird how in the blink of an eye our life as we know it can change so drastically. I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will be of help to you as well. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  26. @Shelbel I am sorry for your loss...Marty stated it well and that is one of my favorite articles! Welcome here, I can relate, George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, our life together was cut way too prematurely. I'm sorry you, too, didn't get longer together.
  27. Thanks Marty, amazing resource.
  28. Good for you, Scott. Make sure that you and your friend take a look at some of the many links listed here as well: Caregiving and Grief in Alzheimer's and Dementia: Suggested Resources ♥
  29. I am sincerely praying that he is able to continue dealing with life and not need a facility. that alone would kill him. He has always fought tooth and nail to be in control of his life and to be the boss. Going to court would be a very last option. I had started just agreeing w/ him on the small things to make life easier and after reading the article Marty linked to it drove home. I would be lost without you both. I pass all this on also to my best friend. he is seeing some of this with his Mom. I had suspected his narcissism made him just say things opposite me, but I guess that and he just does make it up. As long as it doesnt affect my life correctly...my business...or affect his business affairs he's ok. In general he's ok altho i worry. he has agreed to show me any legal notices he gets, just to make sure they get taken care of. luckily his life is pretty clean. Power of Atty, hmmph, spoken about that and the medical version but he drags his feet. i think he is afraid i will do something to him. Tbh i'd rather just be left alone in life and study etc.....guess we will play this day by day. At least i know a bit better whats going on with him and will try to keep my mouth shut and just agree. You menyioned avoiding doctors and near the end Mom was scared of her doctor, well she said the building he was in scared her. I didnt understand and thought she was just being silly. Wish I had understood then what I know now. I dont think I could have saved her but I could have made life a bit better. I had taken her in just a month or so before she passed and when she was in the docs office that last day her signs were normal, so maybe it was just her time. I dont think i will ever come to peace with it. Thank you and take good care of yourself. I promise that one day sonoest i will post some artwork.
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