MyloveBrian

I too hate the statement "You're so strong, you'll get through this too", My wound is still fresh since my fiance' was just tragically killed a week ago, so I have to keep hearing this dreaded statement "How are you doing"....Uhmmmmm let's see, my wedding would be in ten days from today, my fiance', my love, my everything was taken from me because some dumb person's driving inability, but yeah I guess I feel as well as can be expected considering all my dreams were killed that day, my life as I once knew it is gone, my honey who took care of everything (physically, emotionally, finicially, and so much more) for me is no longer here to do anything, and he was ripped from me before I even got to become his wife, which I dreamed of doing for 13 years, but hey yeah I'm doing just fine today. urgghhhhhh

I am brand new here, and I can't believe I'm finding myself in need of a group for lossed ones, leave alone the lost one be my fiance'. I had been with my honey on and off for 13 years, and became engaged with our wedding to take place on September 25th of this year. While I was shopping for my wedding dress there was a lady standing at the counter trying to get a refund for her bridesmaid's dress b/c the groom was tragically killed right before the wedding. It rocked my very soul. I came home and said to my fiance' "That poor bride, I just can't even imagine what kind of pain she's feeling, because I would just die if I lost you". As they say, everything happens for a reason, because 17 days before my wedding my honey was tragically killed as well. I just can't believe it. He was killed on a motorcycle, because some uhhh, uhmmmm I don' t even know what to call this woman, wasn't paying attention when she tried to cross the road to turn into a shopping center. My honey saw her and swerved to miss her and had cleared her path at first, and this uhhhhh (woman?) sped up and still hit him My poor honey died immediately. I swear if it wasn't for the fact that I have two kids who need me, I would have went right into the kitchen while the police were even still here to deliver my nightmare, and I would have killed myself. I don't want to live, but know I have to. I am already sick with a disability and know I won't live my full life, but now I wish for death to hurry and come naturally to take me away and put me with him again. I'm sure I feel all the different feelings that everyone else here feels. The one thing I can't get out of my head was listening to his mother tell me yesterday (the one week anniversary since he died) "you know Brian wouldn't have wanted you to sit here and dwell, he would want you out there to meet some one else". I guess this is why they insist on taking every single thing of his from me. After all, I'm of no real relation, b/c we still had those 17 days to go before we were married, the fact that we've spent on and off again 13 years together means nothing. This wasn't some man I met a year ago and decided to marry, this was a man that after living 4 years apart, we realized we couldn't bear to be with out each other ever again, and we just had to be married asap. This was a man that no one (except family) ever knew he wasn't the biological father of my girls. He always raved about my daughters and he never had any of his own, because I couldn't bear them any more. He was my soul mate, he had NO flaws in my eyes, he was my best friend, and he was my everything. I still plan to legally change my name and so does my teen age daughter who he was about to adopt after the wedding. While I sit here mad about what his family is doing to me already (no surprised, because they've been money hungry after every family member's death. Used to make my honey soooooooo mad, and yet their doing it to him as well), It warmed my heart when I saw someone else on this board say "When are they going to get it? I don't feel single (in my case I don't feel unmarried), I didn't ask for single... Maybe I'm crazy, this place is a shrine to him, but that's my business, if that's how I want it, if that's what makes me confortable. I want and need friends, but I'll always already have my husband. He's that handsome man on my wall...the one that I talk to everynight. He's the one waiting for me on the other side, the one that is going to welcome me with open arms.....someday".