jeepguy

This is another writing I recieved early in my grief, and wish to share: Grief Ocean I walked along Grief Ocean’s shore today. The tide was out, the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day. Birds flew overhead in random patterns. It was a peaceful day. As I walked I noticed the waves begin to lap at my feet. Not unusual, just friendly reminders that the ocean was there ~ vast and endless. Oh, but the tide was out. I continued to walk. As I went along I noticed that my footprints had disappeared in the water’s edge. Now my ankles were submerged. I could still feel the sand between my toes. Before long the waves were up past my knees. The tide was coming in. I again continued my journey. It was becoming harder to keep my balance. I had to deliberately pick up a foot and then place it back down. No longer could I walk without thought or effort. Becoming weary I stopped and faced the Ocean. I could see bigger and bigger waves forming. They began moving toward me. Before long the waves were crashing at my feet, nearly up~ending me as I stood, determined to stay the course. I stubbornly refused to turn my back on the Ocean. I defiantly stared back at the waves, cresting and crashing at a furious pace by now. I would not walk away to safety. I needed to hold my place in the sand. I was overtaken by a great wave. It picked me up, swirled me through dark waters, filled my nose and mouth with salty water, and scraped my knees on the rocky bottom. I did not fight. I just let the wave carry me. Deeper and deeper I went, under ~ and then bobbing up and down with the fury of the wave. Gradually the wave tired of it's game and deposited me at the waters edge. I was covered in sand and dripping wet. I was bloodied by the rocks and jagged places. But, I was back on dry land, safe from the waters fury. Slowly, I climbed to my feet and steadied myself. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I began to walk along the shoreline. The waves had receded. As I walked I again noticed my footprints making their mark in the wet sand, faltering at first and then more rhythmic. I breathed a deep breath to clear my head and heart and brushed the sand away. The sun had set by then and the birds no longer seemed as playful. I was tired. I headed home to tend my wounds. I wasn’t expecting Grief Ocean to swell today. I am exhausted from my struggle. My only solace is knowing that I faced the waves and didn’t run from them. I stood. Wounded and tired ~ I’m home now with friends. Thank you for standing on the shore and waving your arms for me. I nearly lost sight of you for a moment. But, I’m standing. Being tired is a huge part of this journey, and I am more tired now than I have ever been in my life. Peace and strength to all of us.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Your words are so true. Hang in there, and keep breathing. It takes a lot of time to go through, to redefine ourselves in our new byourselvesness, and to learn to cope. I am just past five months, and have been "all over the place" in my emotions and actions, but ever so slowly the dust is begining to settle. Keep posting, and keep the faith.

Same back to you, Walt.

Close enough, Kay. DGI is the term used on my other site for those who can not relate to us because they have not gone through loss of spouse, so they say perhaps well meaning but dumb/hurtful things. DGI = Doesn't Get It.

Hi, robb, Where did the energy go???????? You said a mouthful!!! I think it goes to just getting through one more lousy day of grief. I have been told it takes a lot of work and enegy to get through this, and I agree. When does it come back? Will it come back? I have no idea. I don't even have pets, let alone kids, to motivate me-just bills, so I keep going to a job I dislike, to pay bills. That's my life right now. Well, at least you know you are not alone! Oh, I heard a good one tonight, about those who say our lost ones went to "a better place". The responce was "they went to a good place!, since being with me IS a better place!" I kind of liked that

I recieved this early in my grief journey, and wish to share it with you guys. Grief Is - Author Unknown Grief is more than just a constellation of feelings in response to a loss. Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them over years. We do not get over it, but instead go through it, not just once, but as many times as we do. Through grief we honor our losses and weave them into tapestries of our lives so we can stay connected with all we have loved and still continue to live on at the same time. We do not honor the dead with funerals alone; we honor them with our lives. Like love, grief is timeless. Like love, you cannot predict exactly how and when grief will manifest. Grief changes form and eludes definition. Grief is physical. Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut, squeezes your throat, winds everything up breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you. Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and shallow like a scared rabbit. Grief is lazy and lethargic. Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that cannot eat, and tears that will not dry. Grief makes you feel weak, hollow, and threadbare. Grief is clenching your teeth until you have a headache that will not go away. Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and over again. Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot tell whether you are sick or depressed. Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander lost and aimless. Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and productivity that seem out of place . Grief is rejecting the notion that someone is dead. Grief is a calm sullen silence, a vacuum into which we withdraw. Grief is forgetting and then remembering again that someone is really dead. Grief is not being able to think about anything else. Grief is dreaming about your loved one. Grief is feeling their presence, seeing their face, hearing their voice-even though they are dead-or being frustrated because we cannot. Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to give up without a fight over something that is already gone. Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have already happened, a barrage of what-if's and if-only's. Grief is a hope turned backwards in time. Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it means time is abandoning your loved one. Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone. Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers. Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one from this world. Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the pain and suffering they experienced. Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death, could not revert death, and cannot change death. Grief is an accountability session. Grief is damage control. Grief is knowing we do not deserve to be alive any more than our loved one deserves to be dead. Grief is wondering why fate chose them and not us. Grief is feeling guilty for moving on, guilty for living, and guilty for enjoying life without them. Is it irreverent to savor the foods they are no longer here to enjoy? Is it disrespectful to have a good belly laugh while mourning? Grief is a sigh-a reluctant surrender to powers greater than ours. Grief is a radical depletion of will and inspiration. Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and collapsing onto the floor into despair. Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own snot and tears. Grief is an inventory of what has been lost. Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void where a life once was. Grief is a fear that life is all there is and it is not enough. Grief is fear of living with the loss and losing more. Grief clings to what we love as if every good-bye is the last. The imagination has a field day turning every early morning or late night phone call into a death notice and every rush-hour delay into a fatal accident. Grief is examining every relationship, turning it upside down, considering its loss, and mourning it, before we venture to engage more deeply. Grief is choosing to endure loneliness and despair over facing the fear of further loss. Grief is coming to terms with the fact that we will all die someday whether we share life or experience it alone. Grief is the identity crisis that ensues when we lose those who help define who we are, how we live, and how we relate to one another. And now that they are gone, are we still the person they helped define? How do we live? How do we relate? Certainly not the same. How can I be a best friend if my best friend is dead? How can I be a big sister if my little brother is dead? How can I be a mother if I have no children left? How can I be a son after my father dies? What am I to be instead? Grief is an influx of freedom to re-create the self as old expectations of who we once were fade. Grief is sometimes a vow to fulfill wishes of the dead. Grief is panning through memories over and over searching for jewels. Grief is believing every pebble is a gem. Grief is celebration. Grief is saying thank you. Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan. Grief is a confession of regrets. Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me. Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't. Grief is saying screw you for leaving me. Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note, a pin- into Sacred vestiges. Grief is a moment frozen in time-a dead child's bedroom that will never be cleaned, a shirt that will never be washed, or a message on the answering machine that will never be erased. Grief is talking about your loved one again and again and choosing to ignore those that roll their eyes. Grief is avoiding the reminders and trying to forget. Grief is clinging to the reminders and trying to remember more. Grief is recalling special moments and crying. Grief is being able to remember the special moments and smile instead of crying. Grief is having a friend of your loved one pay a visit and realizing after they leave that there was more to your loved one than you ever knew. Grief is being inspired to carry out the acts of beauty and kindness that your loved one is no longer here to deliver. Grief is buying lunch for the homeless man you normally ignore and sitting with him to eat because you know it is something your loved one would have done. Grief is understanding your loved one more by being more like them. Grief is understanding that you can still get to know someone even after they are dead. Grief is wondering where your loved one really is and if they can see you, hear you, or read your mind. Grief is waving or calling to them just in case. Grief is forging signs and symbols to replace the words you can no longer share. Grief is knowing the rainbow that should now scientifically exist on a Cloudy day is a message to you saying "I exist." Grief is hearing that special song on the radio and knowing your loved one is with you. Grief is sitting in bed crying in the middle of the night saying God I miss you. Please, if you are there, give me a sign and hearing a bird sing a happy tune in the darkness and knowing that song was your answer. Grief is discovering pieces of what was lost in places you do not expect. Grief is looking at the sunset and knowing it is extra beautiful because your loved one is a part of it and a part of Creation than the scope of your contemplation. Grief is grasping opportunities to connect, to share, and to care that you might have otherwise left for tomorrow because you are ever mindful now that there may be no tomorrow. Grief is being able to distinguish better what is really important and meaningful after all is said and done and choosing to do more of it. Grief is the yearning, the reaching, and the unrequited love that hides behind our losses. Grief is a tribute to the depth of your love I am amazed each time I read this how many more of the sayings I can now relate to. Hope this helps someone.

Hey, ustwo I learned about this site because it went down. So far, I like it, but find it a tad on the quiet side from my other site. I am glad this site is back, for all of us, and hope it continues to grow. I can use all the help and friends I can get these days! Sending you peace and strength!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rep1Right))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for you loss, and for the troubles you are going through with you property. I have heard many accounts of widows being taken advantage of early in grief, and will pray for your victory in this against this realator. As I approach six months, I, too, have made some very unwise choices, and just now the dust is settling down. Be gentle with you, the people who sense our weakness and vuneralbity are very good at what they do, and know how to use us. Keep posting, I have found much help available during this horrible time, and I have learned-the hard way-to listen to my cyberfamily. Take care, and keep breathing!

Kayc, Your list seems very complete. I have been pretty lucky to not have had a bunch of DGI activity in my grief, so far. Then again, I really don't know very many people up here. Mention was made of being a long term caregiver, and how it is better to be done with that. I was a caregiver for 4 years, and I have to be honest-I am so relieved that part is over with, and that she is no longer suffering, she is at peace. I feel no guilt for my feelings. A massive burden has been lifted, and that part is relief for me. The grief journey is the pits, but, as I see it, one either takes the baby steps towards the other side of it, or stays stuck in it, misreable and defeated for life. I see the grief journey as a choice as far as actions-or inactions. Many describe it as a horrible rollercoaster-I agree-and I just hold on (an action) and will ride it out. I believe it is ok to feel ok having caretaking burdens gone, without guilt. There may be those who are not ready to give themselves a break yet, or DGIs' who will try to "make" some of us feel down/guilty, but that is why we have these support sites, right? Peace and strength to all.

I just found out about this site, thought I would say hi. I lost my wife to breast cancer-treatment, really-almost 6 months ago. I caretook for her for many other health problems for most of 4 years, then she felt a lump-she was dx stage IIIB with a huge tumor already spread to her same side lymph gland under her arm, that was 3/10/05. She had one chemo, pre surgery thing, then 9 days later called me at work telling me she was sick. I took her to ER, and 11 days later she died-on our wedding anniversary-4/9/05. It was a tornado that landed right on my head, devestating everything I knew. So, that is my story, a horrible one at that-like most if not all of you. The journey is a bit smoother for me these days, but my life still pretty much is the pits. I have no friends or family, so I am totally by myself-sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it really gets me down. I have hope of going through to the other side of my grief, and know I will someday, and hope all of you find the peace and strength we all seek and pray for.