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rabiahlily

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About rabiahlily

  • Birthday 04/14/1947

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  • Location (city, state)
    Charlottesville, VA
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    Life without my little Siamese, Rosie, has no beauty, no purpose. It hurts so much...
  1. Beloved Friend: Making the decision to end Haberdash's suffering must have been such an agonizing time. The fact that it didn't give you much time to prepare is difficult, so the preparation begins now, after his death. Thankfully for him, you had enough love in your hearts to help him end his suffering. You can rest assured that he is lovingly watching over you with great thanks in his heart. When something like this happens it's very difficult to understand, and you find yourself trying to prepare your heart for this great loss which it just doesn't want to comprehend. As you struggle to heal your aching heart, please remember the love from this gentle boy, who is still with you, just without a body. It's OK to feel his presence, to talk to him, to smell his fur and even his stinky breath!! The feel of his nose nuzzling your hand, for instance, is one to savor, to record in your memory of 'good' experiences, so that when you are grieving you can pull this 'good' memory out and let it make you laugh. We humans are such intricate creatures -- we get so attached to our suffering that we imprint that in our minds and forget to imprint ourselves with the 'good' stuff. I'm guilty there myself. Dear One, I KNOW it's an effort to mindfully re-program your mind, but it's so important that you do that right now. Don't let your loneliness and sadness take away those precious moments -- if you don't imprint them now, believe me, they will be gone forever... Have a memorial for Haberdash -- even if it's just you and your husband, or even by yourself. Do something that will remind you of him every time you look at it or think of it. Read my post "The agony of death" about my Rosie and see what I did in her honor that has been so very helpful. You need to fill every moment right now, and to do so with love. What better way to fill it than to honor your pet? I wish you all the best... Rabiah Lily
  2. Dear Marty T and Maylissa: Yes, Marty, your course has been a life-saver and, I think, better than a physical group for me because it allows me the freedom to read the lessons when I'M ready for each one and, because I'm at home, I can cry as loud and as deep, and as long as I want without feeling self-conscious. They are beautifully and mindfully written and the links you suggest have been perfect. I sent the free course to my sister whose cat Felix (my Godson) had a stroke, is 18 years old and is having great difficulties -- not long for this world, I don't think. She also has found this course perfect and her cat is still alive. I hope what she reads will better prepare her for the loss which is coming. One thing I did right was to have a ceremony for Rosie the day after she died. We buried her and planted a weeping mulberry tree over her grave, then we planted twelve other fruit and nut trees in her honor, and lots and lots of roses. This way, as I nurture and water each plant, each tree, I feel I'm taking care of Rosie still. In the future, when the trees start giving me fruit, it'll be Rosie continuing to nurture me. I look out to the back yard and see all those new trees and I feel the sadness lift a little -- it helps somehow. I was amazed at how many people showed up to say 'goodbye' to Rosie, and even more amazed when they all started talking about how very special she was and how magnificent it was to watch our relationship. It was truly moving, plus it showed me how many true friends I have. Thank you both for your very kind and gentle words. I have known for years that I'm still living because I'm here to help others, to be of service. Please let me know anytime you need me for anything -- I'm available till my last gentle breath. with love and deep gratitude, Rabiah Lily O'Cearnaigh
  3. Thank you, Marty T for that beautiful and perfect poem. All day today I have been actually holding my hands against my chest trying to push the pieces together... such agony... I will read this again when my head stops pounding so much. Thank you for your gentle kindness, and thank you for the amazing course you have put together on grieving for your pet (I assume that's who you are?). This is how I found this forum. I got a lovely card from the Cat Care Clinic with all of the staff writing gentle notes to me. Since the pet grieving group meets Monday nights and I have choir, I can't meet with them but you words of wisdom in each class have been wonderful. They make me cry, yes, but it's OK. I am going to send a card back to the vet telling her to suggest your course to all grieving humans. Your work is truly appreciated. love always, Rabiah Lily
  4. Thank you, Maylissa, for your kind post. Yes, Rosie has visited me many times since she left her body (and before) but, like you said, it just makes me miss her all the more. I learned to truly talk with Rosie when I dropped my attachment to talk to her with words. I started just connecting with her from my heart and letting her hear that and if she was in a different room and I called her silently that way, she would run to be with me. I realized with a shock that she could hear my heart and that's how we communicated from then on. When I was in Maui she came to me just as physically as everyone else around me. I felt her soft fur on my neck, I smelled her and heard her purr. I knew she was saying 'goodbye' so I quickly called and spoke to my housesitters. I asked how Rosie was and they said "Oh she's just fine!" -- they lied... but the worst part is that I knew that. I spoke to Rosie long distance then and told her I could cut my trip short and she said "No!" and told me to be in the sun and feel her with me -- I did that -- we even went snorkling together and I showed her all the beautiful fish and turtles, the amazing coral reef, etc. My trip was not alone, it was with Rosie. There a several things that make this so difficult -- when I was dying, she brought me back to life and I made a promise to her that we would go together. Even though she released me from this promise, saying that she never attached our vow to our bodies, that she understood it to mean our souls would never be apart, I feel guilty for not taking my last gentle breath to be with her. I can feel the cold earth on my skin as though I'm in the ground with her... The other thing was a comment my sister made, which made me realize how unprepared I was for Rosie's death. She said "we all get pets knowing that we'll outlive them" -- well, I have been so ill since before I got Rosie that this thought NEVER entered my mind. I naturally assumed I would go first and she would follow. I wasn't ever prepared for this... Some folks have suggested I get another cat and I get angry thinking "they just don't get it!! Rosie was not a pet, she was my little soul-mate." My two delightful dogs try to make me laugh and they get so sad when I cry yet I can't stop. I know they miss her too and yet I don't know how to better handle this situation. Rosie, though only 7 pounds, was the Matriarc of this family and the dogs (border collie/springer spaniel love babies) deferred to her in everything. Mac would be bumping into furniture like a typical oaf of a pup and Rosie would walk in so regally, next thing I knew he would be walking around just a regally emulating his little Mother. Samantha learned her loving ways from Rosie (she sure wasn't born with them!) and now is a swett delight. The love between these two dogs closely reflects the love between Rosie and I and their devotion to Rosie and to me is complete. This should be a comfort -- there's the word 'should'... I wish they were... Thank you again for your thoughful response. Rabiah Lily
  5. My beautiful lilac-point Siamese, Rosie, passed away September 3rd. Two years ago she went into kidney failure and I got better and got off dialysis -- I knew she took my illness from me. In July and August, while I was in Maui becoming a Karuna Reiki Master, she lost half her weight and somehow the two adult house-sitters didn't notice!! She was 3.8 pounds when I got home and she struggled to realize that I was home. This was August 12th. I took her to the emergency clinic where they took blood tests and kept her through the weekend hydrating her. On Monday I transferred her to the Cat Care Clinic where she stayed another day. I was taught how to hydrate Rosie and how to force-feed her. She wasn't even drinking water, though she would go to her water bowl and cry. She was trying to get well, but couldn't. She had seen me over the years come back from the dead more times than I can count and was trying to emulate me. For three weeks she lived on my chest -- hardly moving, needing and giving comfort. When I asked her why she was putting herself through that rather than taking the easy way out by dying she told me she was waiting for me to learn to grieve and celebrate all in one breath. My 15 year-old kitty was wiser than I... Eventually she started having violent seizures on my chest and I asked her if she wanted me to help her die. She said she was OK with the dying process but that if I felt strong enough to go through euthanasia she wouldn't object. She also said she would prefer to die at home. Her vet doesn't make house calls so I got the name of one who does and arranged for him to come Saturday Sept 3rd around 1pm. He arrived at 12:15 -- I wasn't ready -- every moment was precious and he was taking it all away. I put my feelings aside and next thing I know he has a tourniquette around her little arm and is jabbing a needle into her. She started screaming and I was in shock as to his treatment. I told him to get out of my home and apologized to my beautiful Rosie -- he was not the man for this job. Shaking, I called the Cat Care Clinic and told them what had happened. They agreed to stay open for me and I drove to their office. Two gentle, beautiful souls came in to help Rosie and after an agonizing hour she finally let go. She was in peace the whole time though I was crying hysterically. Her little veins had all collapsed, just like mine do, and her heart was so little it had trouble pumping well enough to get the liquid to it. I kept telling her it was OK, that it was only a body and that we would be together always. Though at times I can actually forget my grief for a little while, it's so raw that I have become intolerant of others, not my usual loving self. I pace all night, missing her on my neck, I get on the computer and play stupid games just to dull the pain. I am a spiritual being and know all things happen for my highest good, yet I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. Yes, I know all the right things, but they don't matter right now. I'm in agony and don't know how to stop this run-away train. Rabiah Lily
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