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Marty, Thank you for posting those links, I am going to check them out myself. I have days where I see myself as a little old lady crying and holding a worn picture of a horse and telling others about how much I still miss Maria and I can see them all wondering if I've lost my mind. Kimi, I found a book about the grief of losing a horse and I passed it around to all of my friends so they would understand me better and what I was going thru. It really helped and they quit badgering me about when I was going to "get over it". I also encouraged them to write a little "Maria Memory" in it too. It was a big help to me AND them. Please take care and know that you are safe here and so many people understand how you feel. Hugs, Kelly

You ARE NOT going crazy! What you are feeling/experiencing is very much normal with grief. I had to have my precious mare put down 3 1/2 years ago and there are days that I will be fine and then, like you, I curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out for her. There is NO TIME LIMIT on grief and those that tell you to "get over it" just don't get "it". I had a couple of people say that to me and then when I put it into a way they could understand such as I HAVE to go to the barn everyday twice a day to take care of all the other horses and it is VERY hard for me, without my girl being there, and so when someone said after TWO WEEKS that I should be over it, I asked them how they would like it if they had lost their son and everyday they would be forced to sit in his classroom and then watch all the other parents interacting with THEIR child while they sat watching it take place while missing their own "baby". They GOT IT and they QUIT it!!!! Why do you feel like you are failing as a friend? If you broke your arm and your friends said that after a week it should be healed and it wasn't would that also mean that you have failed as a friend? NO! Your heart is broken and that I believe takes longer than anything else to heal. So tell them you have a broken heart and need their hugs and comforting as a bandage to help it heal. I was very lucky with most of my friends they were a great support system for me and were there with me when I had to have Maria put down. One of them was with me when she took her first breath and also her last breath, Maria was only 8 years old and was EVERYTHING I had ever dreamed of in a horse (I waited 30+ years for her to come into my life). You ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! One day you will smile again for your precious Sunny though it's hard to believe right now, but I can smile about Maria now. Please Take Care and know you ARE NOT ALONE in how you feel. Hugs across the miles, Kelly

Becky, First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss. You did the right thing by your Kiley. Imagine how horrible you would have felt had you let her keep having those awful seizures. You were VERY brave and kind to have given her that relief. I can relate to how you feel...My horse, Maria, broke her hock (her hind knee) so bad that it couldn't be fixed even by the best equine orthopedic surgeon in the state of Florida. When I asked what her odds were if I went ahead with the surgery it was only 10%... not good odds. So I had to drive home and call our vet. " My baby, the light of my life, my soulmate, my helper, my confidant, is gone." That is exactly how I felt/feel. My heart goes out to you. It's been 3 1/2 years and I still have days that feel like she just left. EVERYTHING you are feeling is so very normal with grief. One reason that she may not have come to you yet is that your grief is still so raw...Sylvia Brown, the psychic, has said that. I know it took some time (I'm sorry I can't remember how long) before Maria came to me and she was so very happy and so very healthy. Kiley will come to you and let you know that she is just fine and not upset with you at all. You released her from a terrible hell she could not control and I'm sure that she didn't want you to witness it either. You will one day be able to smile about your girl even though now you don't think you ever will, I thought the same thing but now I smile more about Maria than I cry about her. You have come to a great place there are so many wonderful understanding people here that understand and have been through what you are going through. Plese know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Hugs to you, Kelly

Andy, Glad to hear from you and to hear that you are coping and doing better. "The realization is that yes, I can get on with my life without my beloved Oscar, however life will never be quite as good again. Life was better with him in it. Life is not quite as good without him. This doesn't mean I can't enjoy life and even live a happy life....its just the rest of my life will be sub-par. I'll just have to get used to it. I don't think anyone can talk me out of this belief." I FULLY understand what you mean, this is how I feel without My Maria. I try very hard to love the horses I have and get back to how I used to be with horses but it's just not the same. I know I am still a good horseperson/trainer but my heart just isn't in it like it was when she was around. "Its just emotionally, I felt as if Oscar would be with me for my entire life so at some level I feel cheated, even though I know this isn't the case at all. I just knew that Maria and I were going to grow old together and be "grumpy old women" together. I never dreamed she would be snatched away from me in just 8 short years. I try to console myself by saying that God sent her to me as a learning experience, I learned more about horses in those 8 years than I did in the 30+ years before she came into my life. I hope you continue on the path you are on and once again be able to smile about your Boy, Oscar. Hugs to you, Kelly

Andy, So sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is normal. I lost my mare over 3 1/2 years ago and still have days that feel like she just left me. I had 12 other horses in the barn after she was gone and I didn't feel happy surrounded by them. They WERE NOT HER. I'm not going to be one to say "Oh it gets easier as the days go by" because when we have an unconditional love that we have lost it seems that our happy part of us is gone too. We miss every little thing about them. One day though you will smile again and be able to think of Oscar in a happy way. I know that I didn't think I'd ever be able to smile about Maria but I do. Everything you are going thru is so very very normal with grief. Do not think it's not normal to feel the way you do. It does get better but you can't force it and it will happen in it's own time. Please take care and know that many will be thinking of you, Kelly

Debra, So glad that you found our posts today. I know exactly how you feel: "I've been feeling so lost, sad, & hopeless today, that even a grief chat didn't help much." I was the same way with the passing of My Maria. It seemed nothing and I mean NOTHING helped me deal with her being gone. I had found a site/forum for people that had lost horses and at the start all was good and supportive but on one particular bad day I had posted how bad I was feeling and all I got from the mediator was a polite "we understand your grief and saddness but it has been a few months and I think you need some professional grief counseling" in other words, "please stop being so depressive in our forum". WOW! Did that feel like a slap in the face! I quit posting after that because they made me feel like a "cry-baby" when all I wanted/needed was an outlet. I still have people ask about Maria and when I start to talk about her they will rudely cut me off. Maybe? I ramble? I don't think so. But....I've had the same people come to me crying about the loss of one of their furkids and do you know what I do? I listento what they have to say because I know how it feels and don't have the heart to stop them even though they did stop me. You say that you crawled into bed with your girl's picture (by the way she is BEAUTIFUL!) and lock of hair and sobbed yourself to sleep...I will still go and sit in Maria's stall and cry and cry and talk to her, I feel so very close to her in there. It took 2 years for me to clean out her stall, one of the reasons it took so long is that it hurt so bad to see the hole in the wall that she had kicked and we believe that is what caused the break. You say that you ask Kitty-Grey to visit you in your dreams but only have odd nightmares (I've read that odd nightmares and dreams are actually our brains trying to heal)...what I do is ask God to allow Maria to come to me that I need her. And most times she comes that night. I have heard that sometimes when our grief is so new and raw that they don't visit, I know it took about 3 months for Maria to visit I can remember waking up that morning feeling happy for the first time and then I recalled what had happened...MY GIRL HAD COME TO ME!! Try not to dwell on the other's health problems as it will only fill you with dread. I'm sure that they too are grieving her passing, lavish them with love and tell them how much you miss your girl. I know it's so very hard to do, I don't know if you feel angry that they are still here and she is not, but that is how I felt with the other horses, no, I'm not over that still. But I do try to give them individual loving and tell them that I love them. My Girdi is the only animal I have allowed to consume my heart and soul. I can't say that she has filled that gapping, raw vastness in me but she possess a different part of me that is all hers. For the better part of the first year after Maria left Girdi never let me do things alone, she would be perched on the side of the tub as I showered and sometimes in there with me, in my bed on my pillow, in the laundry room IN THE BASKET, as I was cooking she was there, even to the pool she would go with me, she also took up going for rides in the truck with me and this is the oddest thing (I think) she will ride on my ATV with me! The dog tries to sit on me and digs her claws into me when she rides but when Girdi rides with me she sits in front of me checking out the scenery and has NEVER clawed me! My friend Pete says she is willing to do anything to be close to me and watch over me, and I believe him. I don't know what I would do without her. I'll attach a pic of her and I on the ATV. I would love to keep in contact with you! I will Private Message my email addy to you. Or you can go to my webpage and email me from there. Take Care, Hugs Kelly [attachmentid=315]

Maylissa, Why can't others just let us BE? And understand this is who we ARE? I refuse to "get over it" I feel if I "get over it" than she really will be gone... She was/is the center of my universe. I also changed when she left. She was a very opinionated girl who always let everyone know how she felt and I was the opposite, now I am the same, I pull no punches when someone makes me unhappy. I have people ask me why I don't spend my days in the barn anymore and I tell them that the barn is now my own private hell. They just don't understand and then I explain it this way to them...how would they feel if they lost a child and everyday 7 days a week they were FORCED to sit in that child's classroom with all the other children and had to look at their child's empty seat? Then they seem to get it. I HAD to go the very next morning after Maria left and take care of all the other horses and none of them could feel my saddness the way Maria could and I became angry at all of them. Also because they were still "here" and she wasn't and I still find that so hard to understand. Don't get me wrong the ones that I still have I love but it's not an unconditional love that I have for her. How can I explain what it is that Girdi does that is so Maria-like? I guess alot is attitude that isn't "cattish" or an undeserving nip from her oh so like Maria would do The "cape" Girdi is wearing is a just a little dress I bought for her. She loves to wear bandanas and has a spiked collar. She especially likes to wear her bandana when we have company, so much so that she goes and stands and stares at the door that they are hung on until I get one for her to wear! I guess that is something Maria-like that she does, Maria LOVED to get all "prettied-up" to go to horse shows! The more people looking at her the happier she was, Girdi LOVES it when we have get togethers and lots of people are looking at her and talking about her. The other cats are hiding and she is "mingling". You are an animal communicator? I DO find that extremley interesting! I felt I could communicate with Maria, she could "tell" me that she wasn't feeling right or something was going on with her, except for the morning she broke her leg(??). The other horses I sometimes get a very small quick glimpse of what they are telling me, and whatever it was is gone before I know what it was, but I think that my grief over powers them. I used to wonder what people meant by feeling empty...I now know what they mean...But I choose to not let that part be filled. Do you have days that you are just so unbelievably sad? And you try to remember what it is like to be happy? I have days that I find it hard to believe that she was ever really here with me and then I find it hard to believe she is really gone. I have days where I can talk about her and smile and even laugh at her antics and then other days I can't even say her name without choking up. When I do that some people want to get up and leave instead of letting me talk and sometimes cry about her, do they not want to let their own feelings for "just a horse" or any other animal get to them? The bracelets do help me to keep Maria with me. I have not taken any of them off for over 2 1/2 years...I was told that when I shower or wash up to make sure I take them off as the soap would harm them. Well they NEVER come off and matter of fact I pinched the closures shut so they could not ever come off! And they are still in perfect shape! I have perfect strangers come up to me and ask about the leather one, they ask if it is my child and I tell them that it is my horse but she was my child and explain the other 2 to them. Some are truly interested and others just give me that "look" It is so nice to know that we are not alone in how we feel when we do feel so all alone in such fast holding grief. I would like you to look at my webpage that has her memorial on it that I wrote>>> This Is Kelly Take Care and many thanks, Hugs Kelly here are some other pics of Girdi: [attachmentid=313][attachmentid=314]

Debra & Maylissa, It is now going on 3 years that I lost my girl, Maria. She, like your furkids, was so very special and different than any other horse I had ever owned in 30+ years. She and I had that "connection" that others can only dream about. I had honestly dreamed about her when I was a child and when she finally came to me 31 years later I just KNEW when that tiny foal was born that it was HER. I only got to have her in my life for 8 short years when a leg so badly broken it could not be fixed took her from me. I even consultated with THE top equine orthopedic surgeon in Florida to see if she could be helped. I would have done ANYTHING to be able to save her, I tell people that had her leg been fixable I would be $10,000+ in debt, headed to divorce court and living in her stall(and I would have done it too!). Like I said it's going on 3 years this Sept. 21st @ 3:00 pm and no I'm not over it and I know I never will be. I've been told, "Grow up and get over it", "She was just a horse", etc.... Like you said those people have never really known the love of an animal and I honestly believe that they don't understand and I feel sorry for them. I've even questioned God as to why did he send her to me and took her back so soon. I've screamed and cried and gone thru depression and self-medicated over her being gone. I've never known grief so strong. There are days that I relive that whole dreadful day where I had to agree with Dr. Bill and let her go. Thank God I have my kitty-kid Girdi! I swear Maria came to her and told her that she was leaving and she now had to step in and take care of me because since that day Girdi changed, she is my constant companion and she does little things that actually remind me of Maria. YES! a cat doing things that remind me of a horse! She now gets the lavishing that Maria got. She knows when I'm having a bad Maria day and gives me extra special Girdi lovins! I've got other horses but they are just that to me, horses which makes me sad that my passion is gone for the animals that have always been my life. You talk about signs or dreams, I know that she and I meet up when I sleep, how do I know? I can smell her, feel her muscles and before she leaves she always gives me one of her "horsey hugs" (she puts her head over my shoulder and squeezes me) and she definatley sends me signs. This weekend she had been really on my mind and I was walking in the pasture and for some reason I made a little detour and within 2 steps I looked down and there was one of her shoes she had lost out in the pasture right there in my path! Sometimes when I look out in the pasture I just want to yell out like I used to "Who's the most beautiful horse in the world?" and hear her just one more time whinny loudly back to me as if she were saying, "DUH! It's ME MARIA!" I won't say you will ever feel "normal" but you will feel better as time goes on, I know I have my days and this weekend was one of them. There are songs that just set me off and I cry and cry. I was telling a friend the other day how I wonder if I'll be some old woman sitting in a home crying and telling everyone about my "daughter" that I lost and still crying years from now. I'm sorry that I have rambled but you 2 really struck something in my heart and I just wanted you to know that there are others that feel the way you do and you ARE NOT CRAZY! Below are pics of Maria at birth (I was with her when she took her first breath and her last) and of us at a horse show. And another of my Girdi. Also a pic of my bracelets that are made from Maria and her mother's tails and my memorial bracelet to Maria (they never come off!) Hugs to you both, Kelly [attachmentid=309][attachmentid=310][attachmentid=311][attachmentid=312]

Waabzy, I am sooo HAPPY for you! Take Care, Kelly

Picesmoon, So sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean...Just 2 weeks after losing my mare Maria I had people telling me that it was way past the time to be grieving over her. I was like "WHAT!?" She was and to this day (2 years later, Sept. 21st) the love of my life. I just could not believe how anyone could say that. One of the women who board their horse at my barn told me that she was going to "Force me" to start riding again! I then went on to ask her how she would feel if she had (God forbid) lost her son and would be forced day in and day out to sit in his classroom knowing exactly where he sat and then watching the other children interact with their parents, when I told her that coming to the barn everyday twice a day, to take care of the other horses and seeing others spend time with their horses, was almost too much for me to bear. Their innocence kept me going. But not one of them gave me the love and understanding that "My Maria" would have given me and I was angry at them too. My cat Girdi seems to be the only one to understand what I was going thru and has kept up a constant vigil at my side when I am having a bad "Missing Maria day" I swear that Maria told her that she needed to step in and take care of mommy. A dear friend even chastised me for not cleaning out her stall after a year and a half after losing My Girl. The day I stepped in that stall to finally clean it it was like reliving that horrid day when I was told that her broken leg could never heal. And I could visualize everything that happened after that. To this day my tears have not stopped. And I have people tell me that I am "silly to ACT that way"!?!?!?!?! I AM NOT ACTING! I'm sorry I've rambled on, but it does just make me so ANGRY when people act or say "it was ONLY a animal". OMG!! how can they say that? Even my barn kitties (feral and tame) are grieved for when they pass and we all miss them and their little personalities. Take Care and know that everyone here understands and we all care, Kelly

Mokie, I lost my precious mare just 8 1/2 weeks ago and I'm still having a hard time. I too get anygry with being so distraught over her death. She was only 8 years old when she broke her leg so badly nothing could be done and I had to make that final awful decision. I keep reliving that day over and over. I have a barnful of horses that I MUST tend to twice daily and it is such a painful ordeal everyday for me. I miss her so much and on the day she passed I felt as if my heart and soul had been ripped from me. She and I were like one and when she left it was if a big part of me left with her. I had waited so long for her and now that she is gone I really don't think I want another (I am a life long horse-person). People have said to me to get another to fill the void.......HA! I've got 8 others standing in the barn that can't fill "The Void"!!! I feel extremely empty and alone when I have to tend to the horses. I lost her mother on Halloween morning 2 years ago and her on Sept. 21 this year. So these holidays are really going to suck this year. I normally love them but this year I want to just stay home and not celebrate. These were the days I would give her her "extra special" treats, etc.... So please know that there are others out here that know how you feel and we really aren't alone in the way we feel. It is hard when others don't understand the depth of the love we had for our "kids" and tell us to "get over it it was just a (cat dog horse mouse snake rat etc....) what ever "it" was meant the world to us and we ARE NOT GOING TO JUST GET OVER "IT"!!!!! As for grief counseling....I have yet to try it. My neice is educated in it but she doesn't know the feeling of the love of an animal and I'm afraid to ask her for her help. Here is a website that hosts petloss greif counseling chats http://www.aplb.org/ I think today that I am going to go and check it out at 2:00 - 5:00 pm est today. Please take care, Kelly

Elizabeth, i am soooo very sorry for the loss of your "fur kid". Today marks 1 month that I lost my beloved mare, Maria. She was my heart and soul and I HAD to release her because of a broken leg. She was only 8 years old and was my dream from when I was a very little girl. I had waited 28 years for her to "arrive" and when she did I knew that this was IT for me. I lost her mother 2 years ago and I thought that I would have Maria for at least another 20 years. NO DEAL! I know how empty and lost you feel and I'm not going to say it will get better soon because I still am not better. I will think that I am but then I get that empty feeling. I have to go to my barn everyday and take care of 8 other horses twice a day and I have to FORCE myself to go there. I go out of duty to the others there because THEY need me and they don't understand. I'm rambling sorry, but please know that I care and know how you feel. Please take care, hugs coming yor way, Kelly

Thank you so much........I have joined Hoofbeats In Heaven and have a great group of people there. I am doing okay, I know that I have released her from a life of pain. Her body may be gone but her spirit lives on in all my memories......I will love her always. Thank you both, hugs, Kelly

On Wednesday I had to make the awful decsion to put my beautiful mare Maria to sleep. She somehow broke her leg in her stall Sunday night/Monday morning. It was such a bad break that even an orthopedic surgeon said that only ther were on 2 choices, let Mother Nature try to heal it or humanley destroy her (which was her reccomendation) we decided to see if she could heal but on Wed. things took a turn for the worse. At 3:45 pm wednesday she was released from her pain. I KNOW that I did the right thing but it feels as if my heart and soul has been ripped from me. I've lost others before as I've had horses for 36 years but she was the "Special" one that i had a connection with. I still look in the pasture and want to yell out, "Where's the most beautiful horse in the world" and expect her to look up at me and whinny, "It's MEEEEEEEE MARIA!!!!" I can't look at her stall when I feed the other horses or look out at the area where she was laid to rest. I'll be "ok" for a while and then BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks. I wonder why I only got to have her for only 8 short years. I shared life with her since her birth (I delivered her) and always thought she and I would grow old together and now that hope is gone. I have sooooo many wonderful mememories of her. EVERY single horseshow we went to she came home as the GRAND CHAMPION. She was smart, loving, opinionated, and very protective of me. I have to say that my vet was the most compassionate man in this matter. I asked for the truth and no false hope. He told me what I didn't want to hear (but knew I would hear) and made an awful decsion an easier (if that's possible) to make. Has anyone else dealt with the loss of their beloved horse out there? My heart is broken.......... anyone can email me at allredhorses@aol.com