trisha

Walt, Thank you so much for that beautiful post. I'm having trouble typing with the tears streaming down my face. It has only been six weeks since Steve died but it seems like an eternity. I am going for weekly counseling and trying with all what's left of my heart to go on. That song is such a beautiful tribute and says what is in so many of our hearts. The pain is almost unbearable at times and I am unable to think most of the time My mind is filled with constant thoughts of Steve and how much I miss him. God help us all and lighten our burdens. Thanks again. Pat P.S. I Believe!!!!!

Walt, Thank you so much for that beautiful post. I'm having trouble typing with the tears streaming down my face. It has only been six weeks since Steve died but it seems like an eternity. I am going for weekly counseling and trying with all what's left of my heart to go on. That song is such a beautiful tribute and says what is in so many of our hearts. The pain is almost unbearable at times and I am unable to think most of the time. My mind is filled with constant thoughts of Steve and how much I miss him. God help us all and lighten our burdens. Thanks again. Pat

Real love takes more than flowers, means more than beautiful words. Real love means keeping promises... holding on when you don't want to, being strong so that others may rest. And as time and change swirl around us, the love we share stands quietly in the midst of our lives, forever beautiful, forever real. Inside the card... Darling Steve, Sometimes I stop and I thnk about what we've been through together - the good, the bad, and everything in between. And I realize that there's no one I'd rather share my life with than you. Happy Birthday to the Man I Love I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms once again. My love will go on forever. Loving you always - Trisha If only I could have shared this with him. Silly me, he knows and always knew.

"To Where You Are" Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory's so clear Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be That you are my Forever love And you are watching over me from up above Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are Are you gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me everyday 'Cause you are my Forever love Watching me from up above And I believe That angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave Fly me up To where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile To know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are This always brings tears to my eyes and also affirmation that our loved ones are just a breath away.

Walt, In going back through the posts, I found this one of yours. It is so poignant as it is the day Steve died. That is the day all my hope was lost. Those are the words I have screamed in my mind over and over. I like you, as I have read from your posts found my one, forever love. I believe the others here feel the same way. I know,and I told Steve many times, there would never be anyone else in my life. At Steve's funeral I had them play Josh Grobans, "To Where You Are" and it is the perfect song for us. It talks about our one, forever loves and that they are watching over us from above. It is simply the most beautiful song and such a tribute to those we will hold in our hearts forever.

Whatever small steps we make along the way are good. I have been told we need to be good to ourselves, but that is easier said than done when you no longer feel whole. If we try whatever makes us feel even a little better, perhaps we will one day come out on the other side of this awful, black grief. I went to Hospice for counseling yesterday and it was a very good experience for me. Tonight there will be a group for spouses that I will attend. My homework for our next session was for me to write something that would let my counselor know Steve. That's pretty easy, I wrote his eulogy, made a memory book and have written many poems for him. I guess my homework is done. I find writing to be a way to release a lot of pent up emotions. I wrote a letter to Steve about the day he died. I had to capture everything before I lost any of it. It was our last day and I keep dwelling on it. I know that I shouldn't, but it will take time before I can let go of all the "lasts". Steve and I bought cemetary plots but along the way opted for cremation. When I die, my ashes will be mixed with Steve's and our sons will take them to a place of peace and light. I was so glad to have had time to spend with his body in the ER after he died. I was able to kiss him, caress his face, tell him I loved him over and over. I spent several hours just holding his hand and I felt as if he were holding mine. Yes, he WAS holding my hand as we did on all of his appointments to the doctor's office and the emergency room. See how I gravitate to those lasts. I did that when my father died also. I had a hard time getting past the "last". I suppose it's the finality that I can't get out of my head. Sorry, I'm rambling again. Peace to us all - Pat

Walt I feel so bad for you. I know how hard it is going to be. Steve's 60th birthday would have been this coming Thursday. The boys and I had planned a small surpise party for him. I always had hope that we make just that next milestone. We made our 40th annniversary on June 4th and I was so greatful for that. We had no big celebration, our celebration was the joy of being together on that day. Now we all must hold those dear memories and good times close to our hearts. Life for us, survivors, seems pretty empty and grim. I hope that one day we will see through this heartache and remember all the good times with great joy. I will be thinking of you today. God bless you and help you through this day.

KayC I slept with Steve's shirt that he was wearing on the day he died. I could smell him on that shirt and felt very close to him. You are right, even in our pain, we are blessed to have loved so well. I wear his shirts as nightshirts and they help me to feel close to him. I even use his cologne. There are things that I could not stand to see anymore, like the chair that he died in. I had my boys remove that chair the same day. That chair reminded me of Steve's suffering and how he couldn't do the things he loved any longer. He was a great athlete, loved fishing, hunting and family. He loved football and would have loved to see the Redskins-Dallas game. Living in Maryland, he was a Redskin fan and long ago a Baltimore Colts fan. In the last days, he had a hard time just getting to the bathroom without being worn out. My heart broke for this independent man who had lost so much. He was on oxygen and the only time he got out was for hospital trips or doctor's appointments. We always held hands on these trips. He would say, "I'm so glad you're with me" and I would tell him, "I wouldn't be anywhere else." We have been together since we were just kids, 13 and 14. We made our 40th wedding anniversary on June 4th of this year and had hoped to celebrate his 60th birthday on September 29th. I am going to counseling tomorrow to try to get some focus in my "new" horrible life. As you see, I ramble on in every direction. I lost the thread of this discussion somewhere in the beginning. I just know that all of us had a very special love and are truly heartbroken. I hope we all eventually find some peace.

Thank you - I needed that!

People that we expected to be there for us will let us down, but there are some fantastic people like you guys who give of their hearts and souls to try to make some sense of what has happened to us all. There is no sense to any of it. It is a part of life, but I'm sorry I just can't accept it right now. What goes around comes around and one day those people who have made those callous statements may have to eat their words. They will seek out people like us who have been there and perhaps we will offer a helping hand, an encouraging word or just listen - or maybe not.

My husband's birthday is this coming Thursday and I am so afraid. Does that sound crazy? My sons and I had planned to have a surprise family celebration before Steve died. Now that day will be so empty and I know the pain will be unbearable. Each day brings a painful reminder of how much we have lost. How can life go on when ours seems to have stopped? I have to keep remembering Steve's smile and the courage he had in facing his death. He had such a sense of humor that he kept my spirits up all the time. He and I always knew it could be any day. But I stayed in denial for so long. In the end as I watched his suffering worsen, I prayed to God to give him peace. I'm already thinking ahead to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think that I will cancell those holidays this year and just escape. I am so uncomfortable inside my own skin. I just want to scream and never stop.

Thank you all for your support. The best thing about finding this place is that you all know exactly how I feel. People can try to comfort you but it just isn't the same as someone who actually knows the terrible pain. I think Steve must have guided me to this group. I believe he will always be with me and is watching over me, always my guardian angel. I think of him constantly, sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes with a smile. Out of the blue comes the flood of tears and I can't stop. I feel hopeless right now and can't even imagine feeling whole again. Well meaning people try to get me be back into life, but my life has stopped. They just can't understand. There is no joy in anything. Eating makes me sick to my stomach. I do it just to survive and surviving is only for my sons. I know how hard it would be for them to lose both parents and they need me to get through the loss of their father. Thanks again, I feel I have found a light in the storm.

Walt, Thanks for your reply. Just having someone validate your feelings helps. I am glad to have found this group of caring people who know the journey that I travel. It is a long, dark journey, but hopefully there will be a light at the end. My only solace is knowing that Steve suffers no more. Our loved ones are the lucky ones. They are at peace. I have to keep that thought in my mind or I will go crazy. Perhaps I am a bit crazy right now, but I've been told that's allowed. I find that I am rather scatter brained at times. I leave things on the stove and forget about them. I even left the back door to my house open when I went out on Friday. Steve is probably looking down shaking his head. He always worried about me and just his mere presence made me feel safe. We will find our way, won't we? Trisha

I lost my husband of 40 years on 22 August 05 and am still reeling. We had been together forever, since I was 13 and he was 14. He was and is my whole life. I don't know how to live without him. I'm just going through the motions, one day at a time. It actually hurts my heart and in the pit of my stomach. The first few weeks I was in complete shock. Now that the shock is wearing off, I am feeling the awful reality of what my life is now. I have two sons who help me tremendously and miss their father terribly. But, they have their lives to live and I feel mine is over. Steve was my best friend, lover and soulmate. I wrote his eulogy, made a memory book and my house looks like a shrine to the him. I had almost two years to care for him before he died. People used to say, "I don't know how you do it". I would gladly take care of him for the rest of my life, just to have him here with me. When he died, I performed CPR and pleaded with him to come back to me. Selfishly, I wanted him to stay. I knew he had suffered enough and wanted to die. He just didn't want to leave me. I am starting counseling on Monday. Hopefully, it and time will help ease some of this terrible pain. It is sooooo hard.