My dad died on April 12th, 2005, his funeral was 2 months to the day of his diagnosis with lung cancer. I'm a nurse so I did all the medical stuff, guided my mother and family through everything. Planned the funeral, did all the "stuff" that has to be done. Then had to support my mum when everything went to hell over his estate (you would not believe the evil that my half-sisters are capable of). I'm doing post-grad at uni, I live 150 kilometres from where my parents lived. And my dad and I had a tumultous relationship. This year has been just crazy. I am though thankful that in the midst of the insanity I made my peace with him though, before I even knew that he was sick. But, it feels like I was so busy helping prepare everyone for his death and then getting them through it as best I could, that I missed it all myself. I was there, I saw him slip away. But it's only now, 5.5 months later that I can actually say he's dead and not go "what the heck?" Everyone keeps telling me that I need to cry and I need to come to terms with it. I feel guilty for not being more upset - wailing and throwing myself on his body like my mum and aunt, but instead being so calm, so IN CONTROL when he passed and we were at the hospital, I feel guilty for not doing more for him in those few weeks we knew he was dying. I feel guilty for all sorts of things. I feel guilty for bottling it up and now I just don't know how to tap into the grief and actually work though it. What does that mean? How do I "work through" the fact that my Dad is dead? I feel completely rudderless and have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling, if I'm grieving "healthily" or what. ARGH! God, does this make any sense to anyone? I do NOT know how to do this. I have NO idea what, when or how I could ever come to a point where I can live a day without relieving some aspect of his death or funeral. Please, help me. -Jen.
