I have read many of the postings on this site and recognize that there are people out there that feel the way I do, That helps me a great deal. I am sorry if all of this is melodramtic and depressing, it is not meant to be. I just feel so lost and alone I don't know what else to do but write my story. My dog, haberdash, was my life and soul. He was 9 years old when he passed away 2 days ago...much too short a life in my opinion. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer a month ago and we had put him on several medications which seemed to be helping. I even had an herbal vet visit with him and prescribe herbal remedies that seem to have helped. Two days ago I came home from work and fed him his special meal (that I cooked for him every night after he was diagnosed with the cancer)..he LOVED to eat and he was very hungry that evening. And then I took him on a walk to a park a little over a mile away to play ball...something else that he LOVED. He was so happy and seemed like his old self...I was sure he was going to live for another year. On the way back from the park I noticed his leg dragging on the ground and I thought maybe he had sprained it when playing ball, I picked him up and tried to carry him but he was too heavy for me so I put him back down on the ground to see if he could finally walk on his own. THat was when I noticed both his back legs were flacid and unusable. I tried running back home with him in my arms, but he was so heavy I had a very hard time. When I finally did get back my husband and I took him to the emergency vet. We waited some time for the vet to see us and he told us that there were options...we could operate (very painful and no guarantee) or we could just wait and see if he re-gained the use of his legs over the next few months. With the bladder cancer this option was nearly impossible, because he was already struggling to urinate everyday and this would just make it that much harder. Plus he loved to run and play and the only things he could do after this is lie on his side, I decided that putting him to sleep was the most humane option. The vet gave us a few minutes with him and I held him in my arms and told him how much i loved him and what a good boy he was. He didn't want to die...he was very scared, but he still wanted to live, I just know it was unfair to keep him in this state. I remember watching him as the injection filled his body and he became peaceful. He released a final loud sigh and the doctor said that was the end, I have not been able to function since then..I want to die and I am not being melodramatic. I have never felt so bad, even when my father died i was able to hold myself together. My life will never be the same without him...he was honestly the ONLY GOOD THING i have and now he is gone. What can we do when we are faced with this time? How can i continue to live and love? Right now I am just a shell and I have nothing to offer anyone, even my husband. I have decided to stop eating and let nature takes its course. I no longer care about living. I am hopeful that if there is a dog heaven I will see him someday, although I don't usually believe in that stuff, I find myself needing it to be true. Why does it have to be this way? I really don't understand this life sometimes. I know all the stuff people say is true..." you have to lose to love more..." death makes us appreciate life", but honestly I don't care one damn bit about all that. I just want to come home and see haberdash waiting for me at the door... just want to wake up at night and feel him nuzzling my hand if he needed to go out, I want to see his beautiful face and smell his stinky breathe. But my life is gone and now I am left to live again...but I have decided that I can't.
