Lila

I travelled the world for so long looking for something, looking for the unconditional love, of self worth and approval. I wanted the approval and to make my mom proud of me. I competed at international level in my sport of wrestling. Mom told me she was sad for me that I was born a girl, however she gave me the strength to show her that gender doesn't matter you can be who you want to be. I always thought what I was looking for was out there and that I will find it one day. It was my mothers love. My mother passed away on the 18th Sep 2005 however I am grateful to have got to spend four glorious days with her. I spent three days by her side and watched her die thinking that she could not hear me or did not know I was there (she knew I was there by her side) I slept by her bed I didn't leave till the end. She waited for me to come home from the US to Melbourne so that she could see me one last time. Throughout all the agony she was goning through she found the strength and the sanity to tell me that I was beautiful and that she was glad to have me by her side. She also told me that she loved me and that I had her approval to marry my man I left the country to be with. She became selfless and let me be free. I then realised that what I went looking for was always there, she always loved me and I felt safe with her. I was meant to have competed in the World Championships it was going to be my last as I knew that the sacrifice both financial and other did not permit me to go again (or so I choose). I didn't get to go that one last time to the world championships and find that potential I was always looking for. It doesn't matter as I got what I always wanted, I found what I was looking for. I am so grateful that I chose to come home when I did as I have no regrets now and will always know my mom loves me and that I have her approval. I miss her so deapley and know she is looking over me. I love my mom.