Turquoisepony

Dear Walt, I am so very sorry you have been having some rough days. I quietly accept my bumpy days because I know with strong faith, the sun will return and smooth my path once again. Walt, my friend, no matter where you are in your process of your grief journey, you ALWAYS & will forever honor your beloved Jeannie with the sacred, blessed love you two shared for so many wonderful years. She keeps your love in her heart where she resides in the Place of Healing and Beauty. You keep her love in your heart. Since her love is imbedded in your heart & soul, every beat of your heart is an honoring for Jeannie. Since your breath is part of your soul, every breath in and every breath out is an honoring for Jeannie. So, when you feel your heart beat and you become aware of your breath, allow yourself an encompassing peace, because you are honoring Jeannie. Bless your sweet heart, I fervently wish comfort for you.

Here is a link that expresses my sincere gratitude for the support here: http://www.travelprofessor.com/funnyhost/myfriend.html

I did, indeed, have a wonderful celebration dinner. The staff and owners of the restaurant sang "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow!" for Michael and to me they sang "Memories!" and for the both of us, Dolly Parton's, "I Will Always Love You!" Other diners joined in the tears, singing & celebrating. There were lots of hugs and laughter. We all had a grand time............and Michael was right in the midst of all our hearts. Over 20 people came up to me to express their thankfulness for the shared healing. I told them it is imperative to always pass on gifts such as these for they are meant to be shared.

OOPS!! Double post. Apologies.

My dear friend, I SO do know exactly where you are. It wasn't long ago I was in that very precise place. I know the frustration, confusion, pain, total utter fatigue, debilitating agony, the heart rendering desperation, desolation and the gut wrenching loss of losing a precious, beloved soul mate. I know you are exhausted beyond belief and care. This horrific loss, that we did NOT ask for, is so all consuming, we get too depleted to cope. Everyone's own grief is unique to them. But, we all share the same hideous, raw, clawing pain that permeates our entire being. You have been hurt in a way that feels beyond repair. Not only are you mourning the loss of your beloved one, but you are grieving the loss of fairness in your life and the loss of your past life. Let me assure you that YOU WILL BE a stronger person for this experience. Today is my four month "anniversary" and I can tell you, it does get easier. It is, of course, not the way any of us would like to grow stronger as a human being. Unfortunately, we do not get to choose the roadblocks in our lives. But, we do get freedom of choice of how we react to them. Would it be possible for you to consider attending a grief support group in your area? Even if you do not feel comfortable talking, just listening to the others can give a lot of comfort. If you feel safe enough, perhaps you can read everyone else's posts on this website. Above all, keep posting here. Remember, sorrow shared is halved and joy shared is doubled. I send you a fervent wish for an easing of your pain and a whole lot of hugs, hugs and more hugs that come with lots of added strength to keep you moving forward through this pain. Will I always feel this way? As the days and months follow the loss of a loved one, this question is asked frequently. As the shock of loss recedes and the pain wells within, it is most difficult to imagine a life without that person. Life after loss seems to be a contradiction of terms. When a mate dies, the loss changes the survivor's world completely. Not only has the death caused a person a loss, but gone, too, are the roles that he or she had filled. For instance, a spouse can often be a best friend, a lover, the financial provider, as well as the social secretary, the cook, the accountant or the problem solver. Moving beyond the loss is more complicated when our energy levels and coping abilities are challenged by a need to assume new tasks and responsibilities. The pace of grief recovery is totally individual. Whatever your pace may be, life beyond loss begins when a griever is able to take a realistic look at the lifestyle changes that have taken place. Charting a healthy path towards adjustment involves an assessment of the areas of your life which need immediate attention what issues can wait and who you can ask to help. Sometimes, considerable energy is spent trying uselessly to preserve the past. Doing things in a new way that works for you requires time and patience. Eventually, new routines will help to restore a sense of order to your life and loosen the bonds that keep you tied to the way things were done prior to your loss. Grief is an unwanted journey. The management of the grief process takes place gradually through time. Often, people are misled by the old adage "time heals all wounds." But, in truth, what counts is what you do with the time after the loss. Is there a life beyond loss? Definitely yes and, although it will be changed forever, it can still be a satisfying one.

Tomorrow, Oct 20, will be my four month *anniversary* and I have made reservations at our favorite restaurant. The owners & staff of the restaurant loved Michael very much, also. They created a beautiful large, white candle with Michael's name on it and make a big production of lighting it when they seat me. Knowing my financial constrictions, they "comp" the meal in honor of Michael. The mood will be an air of celebration with a tinge of melancholy. I look forward to sharing and celebrating our love and cherished memories. Michael lives on through me. I will shed tears but the beauty of our love outshines the pain, now.

Dester, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it is a great loss but there is a gentle rebirthing that is beginning to ease the pain. Michael & I told each other often that whoever died first, that the one who left this earth would love the survivor's new companion as much as the survivor did. We felt that was the most precious gift we could give each other besides our love and devotion.

I truly, most definitely miss the closeness that Michael & I shared. We worked side by side no matter the chore.......fixing fences, grooming horses, mowing the lawn, preparing our meals, grocery shopping, working on our vehicles, dancing at powwows, camping or just breathing together. Always together. The last year of his life, when his activity was restricted, we still held hands wherever we went. Our favorite time of the day was snuggling with our little dog on the sofa watching television or listening to music. The first 30 days of this travesty called loss, was fraught with a thundering, ripping agony most difficult to describe. The second 30 days, consciously and sub-consciously, I frantically, desperately tried to find someone, anyone to *save* me. (I am so thankful I did not get what I wished for.) This last 59 days, I have done so much work in healing the loss, the pain, the grief and allowing the mourning free rein to run wherever it's course is destined. I choose to always move forward. I have learned that while I am working through the grief in the loss of my precious Michael, any grief or troubles from the past jump up to be reckoned with, too. (Oh, yippy!) All of those 35 years, Michael & I shared our identity. With him removed from earth, I had no idea whatsoever who I was much less actually like myself. It was like I was only half of an opinion, or so I thought. It was like, now that I am alone, I am stuck with a stranger I am not especially wild about. This was causing fear, anxiety & depression. I am beginning to discover how interesting and funny and powerful and curious and loving and insightful and creative I am as me, all by myself, whether anyone else knows it or not. Making friends with myself is another step in my process to become whole. I still long for Michael's involvement in my life I deeply miss the intimacy of hugs, holding hands, his breath on my cheek, laughing at a private joke, sleeping wrapped in each other's arms, cooking together, eating together. But, I am beginning to accept my own worth in life. By the force of stark reality that was thrust upon me, unrequested, by Michael's departure, my goal is to fully realize that our devoted relationship complimented each other and NOT completed each other. I made a conscious choice to accept Michael's passing over. I also chose to accept that we will always have a relationship but it is simply on a different level. He lives fully in my heart and he will always have my love with him. About 2 weeks before Michael passed over, he said to me "Whatever decisions you make in life, I need you to be happy. I will always & forever respect any decisions you make." So, by choosing a full and growing life is the best memorial of honor, respect & love I can ever give him. The main purpose of my grieving is to help me reach the point in my life where I can fully remember my beloved's beauty without the pain!! It is a purpose becoming more real every day! Yes, I lost my soul mate, my kindred spirit.....the love of my life.......whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars. He will always be a part of me and my life. I will never ever forget him nor his devotion to me and our shared love. But, I WILL be happy again. I am starting to function again. I will be productive in my life again. My life will never be the same as the one I shared with Michael, but I choose to create a life that will make Michael so proud of me and the essence of his beauty will live THROUGH me. Tomorrow, Oct 20, will be my four month *anniversary* and I have made reservations at our favorite restaurant. The owners & staff of the restaurant loved Michael very much, also. They created a beautiful large, white candle with Michael's name on it and make a big production of lighting it when they first seat me. Knowing my financial constrictions, they "comp" the meal in honor of Michael. The mood will be an air of celebration with a tinge of melancholy.

June 20, 2005, my heart, soul & being was shattered into millions of fragments. Michael's death was a giant cannonball that slammed into my brain and stomach. I frantically swept up crumbled bits & pieces of what was left of me. Tried to put me back together EXACTLY as I was before Michael died. Nothing fit quite right. As I reassemble me, it becomes apparent some pieces will never fit so I am learning to create new pieces to fill the voids. Piece by piece, I will reenter the world. The very same world I have quarantined myself from. Rather than stay in my limbo of chronic mourning, it became necessary for me to face the choices in my new existence: to die because Michael died, to live crippled because I no longer have my other half to complete me, or to forge, out of pain and memory, new adaptations for the life that will be created as I move forward in my quest to become whole. Through mourning, I let Michael go from this earthly plane and have taken him into my inner world. Through mourning, I will come to accept the difficult changes this life altering loss has commanded. I am so filled with humble gratitude for all of the spiritual growth and the emerging of my own identity. I would forego it all to have my darling Michael at my side again. Alas, that I cannot choose!!

kayc, On Oct 19th, I wish for you a day of gentle transitions that allows you to cherish the beautiful memories of your beloved. I send you many hugs, strength and courage to continue your progress through your process of grief. In my culture, we offer this saying: "I send you sweet grass for peace of mind, Sage to clear your soul, Prayers carried through the smoke, A quest to make you whole."

I go to a Grief psychologist, 4 different grief support groups and every seminar or whatever there is available. Knowledge is building my strength to face my grief head on. Faith is giving me the courage to act on my strength. From all I have gleaned, the "harder" I tried to be happy the more elusive it became. The quicker I tried to "get over" or around the grief, the longer & more difficult the process became. I became ill with respiratory illness, full blown panic attacks & crushing fatigue. Medically only addressing these ailments proved futile. So, I did in depth research about how illness can grip me in it's claws. I found that my grief & mourning was so all consuming to my poor immune defense system there was nothing left over to live on. I had cared, unaided, for my husband in his 2 1/2 yr battle with stomach cancer and was totally exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. And, now, I am totally alone with no family nor children. I am the only one to take care of me. Grief not only has a detrimental effect on my mind but the University of Wisconsin has established a direct link between brain activity and immune function. I found that by storing up all of the grief and rage and misery instead of working through it, caused the stored up emotions to manifest itself in me as illnesses. Believe me, it did not just occur in my head. It became a real, in my body, illness. I found my mind has the ability to heal my body when driven by positive thought, but it can just as easily leave me in a weakened and vulnerable state when it is besieged by negative emotions and distress and depression. Unconsciously, I had allowed my mind to turn to black thoughts, suppressing my anger and grief by pushing them to the back of my mind and trying to carry on as if everything was just completely normal. Those thoughts don't just evaporate. It was vitally necessary to pull them out and work through them. Just as my mind can think me ill, so it can think me well. I use positive, healing affirmations & self talk daily, hourly or even moment to moment, if needed. If I think it, I become it. What I project, I create. For instance, my 4 month "anniversary" is coming up Oct 20. If I project or think it will be horrible, devastating & painful guess how it is going to be??? But, I choose to plan a wonderful event for that day. I shall go to our favorite restaurant, order our favorite meal, light a candle while I dine and cherish and celebrate our love and wonderful memories. Sure, I will shed tears. I call these tears *crying for health!* Whether I cry hard or softly anymore, I just chuckle and tell Michael that I am watering the flowers of life again. This is how I treat myself as gently as possible. I call it my "self hugs." Now, I look forward to Oct 20th, Nov 20th, birthdays, anniversaries, & holidays. I did not choose to become a widow but I CAN choose to become healthy and happy by creating a healthy environment. I did hundreds of hours of research in nutrition, trying to find ways to help Michael's body fight off the ravaging effects of his stomach cancer. So, I know how to feed myself for energy & health. Armed with that knowledge & my humble willingness to face my grief and work through it thoroughly each and every step along the way, I have absolutely no panic attacks, the fatigue has improved by 50%+ and the respiratory system is doing extremely well. My emotional stability is very strong, now. My spiritual faith is the basis of my life's path. I am moving forward through this grief and towards a new life I am creating from the grief I did not request. As promised by my grief counselor & all of my reading and gleaning, my happiness begins to return freely each time I release more of the tentacles of grief. Michael's loss dismembered me. I am now walking the path of remembering. Healing is the journey I now allow into my life with gracious acceptance.