Ployd

Hi Jeanne It seems we are similar. I kept the dentures, Ken's glasses, his badge that he wore to work. I also kept his riding boots and hat. His clothes, that took me a couple of months. I kept thinking he was going to come back, he would walk in the door like he always did. It didn't happen and a friend suggested that we go through his clothes . She was right and I talked to Ken the whole time as I took each shirt each pair of slacks and neatly folded them and put them in boxes. I took them to a men's shelter. I didn't want the clothes resold. The men's shelter was perfect, they are being trained to go out into the work force and they couldn't afford to buy clothes. You will know when the time is right. Get a good friend to help you. I also had to keep thinking he wouldn't have wanted me to keep everything. He also knew I needed the closet space. I have to laugh about that one. Oh, I also kept his favorite shirt that we bought in Hawaii. So, I don't see anything wrong with keeping a few "special" items that ment a lot to him. These items are not on display or anythng like that, they are put away. When my neighbors wife passed away, he called me and ask me to go through all of her clothes and personal belongings. He didn't want to look at any of it. I did what he ask and he donated everything to a local church. Take care Love and hugs Paula

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale Joe and Marsha Larry and Deborah Kathy and Bob Bruce and Gail Pat and Walter (((Jackie ))) and Fred Charlie and Patti Lawrence and Jackie Paula and Ken

Hi I am home from work, the traffic is so bad here. Very stressful. Jackie, you have had two losses in one year, I am so sorry. When I was growing up, there were 4 of us. We were not suppose to "cry over spilled milk," so to speak. Everytime we did cry about something, we were told to stop and told that was not the adult thing to do. When my husband died and I had to go back East, I didn't cry in front of my Mother. So, it's always been somewhat difficult for me to show emotions. During the past year, I got better, no one was here and I cried every single time I felt the need. I soon realized that crying does not say I am weak, it says I miss my husband very much and wish he was here with me. Some of you mentioned cooking, I don't cook, never did. My husband did all the cooking. Not to say I don't try, I do, very badly I might add. So, I eat a lot of frozen food I pop into the microwave. Not good choices but I feel that's better than fast food. Besides smashing the mask, I had to go through all of his paper work because he was a teacher. I sat down one night and shreaded tons of paper. The next thing might sound kind of strange, Ken's dentures. I kept them. I don't know what to do with them. I did put them out of sight, but what do I do with them? It helps to talk and write things down. Everyday things do get a little better. Although, I still don't like the Holidays. Glad the commercials are over. Love and hugs to everyone Paula

Derek Thank you for that. I don't have any children, so that makes the Holidays, different. My sisters give me a present because they feel that I don't get any because Ken isn't here. They are right. Ken always made Christmas special. I was Ok Christmas Eve, being with my family but it still isn't the same. I guess I looked at them with their spouses and kids and I felt as if I was looking in. It was strange. Anyway, now I have to look forward to Valentine's Day, that was my husbands Birthday. I seem to dread that day coming up. Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. Paula

I have been out of town. I was just reading everyone's post's. I cried reading a few. It's been a year this past Thanksgiving that my husband died. This Christmas wasn't quite as bad as last year. I don't remember much about Christmas in 2007, that was a blur. My sister's were great again this year, they gave me a special present just from them. They wanted me to have something special to open. Of course, I cried again. The Company I work for, we have a partner in Mexico, they sent me a special present in memory of Ken, I cried again. I have had some "alone" time to think about 2008. It was hard, it still is. I had to remove Ken's personal items, clothes, medical stuff, no one prepaired for that. One day I was so angry, I started going through the laundry room and I found in a box the mask that was made for his head when he was going through radiation. I took a hammer and smashed it to bits, cried and screamed a little. Ok, so I cried a lot during the Holidays. As some of you said, people looked at me and said "you look good, you sound great." That's the way I looked on the outside, the inside, my heart just wasn't into the whole Holiday thing. I am not sure the Holidays will ever be the same. I thought a lot about what all of you have said to me and others. Your advice helped me through many nights that I couldn't sleep. I keep telling myself we are all in this together. My friend back East emailed me about his Mother having colon cancer, again. She has about 3 months or less. While I was trying to console him, memories of Ken came flooding back about his cancer and what he went through. I just wanted to let everyone know that I wish to you a better 2009. Everyone here is wonderful and willing to jump in to help and console each other. This is a place where I can come into and just talk and no one will judge me, well I hope no one will. Lots of hugs to all of you Paula

Heartbroken I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband to cancer, a year ago at Thanksgiving. I did cry just now reading your note. I really feel what your going through. I would get angry and take long drives. As I told everyone else, I worked long hours, I would come home and clean, just as long as I was doing something. People kept telling me it would get better, I also had a bad habit of hiding my emotions. I found out that wasn't such a good idea. Cry and let it out, scream if you have to. I still miss my husband very much especially now, this close to Christmas. Just recently, I got a phone call from a local hospital about a bill from 2007. The lady went on and on I finally told her my husband died last year and she should work this out with my Insurance Co. I got off the phone and just started crying. Please know that I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers. Hugs Paula

Hi everyone Last night was pretty tough. Today, I am feeling better. Yes, I talk to my husband, Ken, while I am driving. I ask him to keep me safe. I talk to him in the house, I still ask for advise. Not that I get too many answers back. I just didn't realize what I suppose to feel like or do on the first anniversary. Deborah, I found that when I talk to everyone here, I do feel better. Although, last night, I just picked up the phone and called Hospice, I had to talk to a person. She was great, she actually had me laughing before I hung up. You hang in there as I will get through the rest of this week. Lots of hugs Paula

Dear Deborah I know exactly how your feeling. My husband passed away a year ago this week. I was ok, until I got a card from Hospice and the funeral home, today. Everyone at work knows exactly what happened a year ago, but won't talk about it. It might have been better for me if someone would have said something. Today was tough, everyone I have to deal with internationally, had an issue. I almost started crying on the phone, I had to excuse myself and call them back later. I have been crying most of today, just remembering every moment of a year ago, our last week together. I have to wake up everyday, I have to tell myself I have to keep going, I have a family (although they live far away,) they love me, no matter what. I have a picture of my husband and I tell him "good night" every single night. I think of all of you who have lost a spouse or partner, we are all in this together. This is a great site as I have said before, there are so many people out there who do care who will talk you and me through this. Lots of hugs to you Paula

You are so right. Marsha, I listen to Pink Floyd, Dark side of the Moon, I crank it up and make my neighbors crazy. I would like to thank everyone again for all of your support and kind words. You have given me more support in the last 48 hours then I received from my friends in the past 11 months. I didn't believe I needed support until recently. I have a friend whose husband has cancer, same as my husband had. Her husband's cancer is also terminal. I will be there for her now and when she needs me later. As I will continue to check in on this site to offer support to others who need it. As Fred said we all need hugs, I am sending big hugs to all of you. Paula

Thank you everyone. I do need a hug now and then. I miss that the most. I don't have any children, just two cats, my babies. I miss talking to Ken, talking about the house, what I should do. I have been working on my house and working at the office 10 to 12 hours a day. At night, well I started smoking again. Although, I don't smoke at work. I still feel a little guilty smoking. It helps, as least I am not drinking. Coming up on November 23rd, it just brought back so many memories of Ken's last 2 weeks with me. It hit me as if I ran into a brick wall. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and words, this really helps me. I didn't use this site in the beginning, I thought I could handle the emotions, and try to forget and run at full steam ahead. Paula

I am new to posting on this web site. I thought I was doing Ok, running at full steam this whole year. Yesterday the 23rd, I realized that it will be a year next month on Nov. 23rd that I lost my husband and best friend. I was coming home from work today, I just started to cry. I still miss him everyday. There were times I wished this was all a very bad dream and I would wake up and everything would be like it was 3 years ago. That didn't happen. I work for a large Company and my co workers still treat me different. I can't get use to the idea of being single, on my own again. I still look at his pictures, I wonder why he got cancer and why the Dr's couldn't do anything, I am still angry. I still have so many questions. I did join a gym to work out frustration, it works for a while. When does the hurting stop?