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desolate

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Everything posted by desolate

  1. Hi Shell, I felt I just had to reply to your post just to say how terribly sorry I am that you have lost your precious little girl. How awful for you. I don't know if I can be of much help to you as I can't offer you any words of comfort like "It will ease in time" or such sayings as I am in the same situation as you. I lost my two big boys within three years of each other, my eldest son dying in May of this year and the younger three years ago in August 2002 and I too am desperately trying to find ways of coping and dealing with it all. It just all seems too big for me sometimes. I can however offer you support in the sense that I know exactly what you are going through, My boys were 28 years and 34 years of age and so were considerably older than your daughter but it doesn't matter how young or how old they are the pain is just as intense. No mother ever expects to outlive her children and like you I am devastated by it all. Maybe the fact that someone else is feeling like you do and understands how you feel may help you. I hope so. I don't think I will ever come to terms with it, it all seems so senseless and unfair but I am hoping that eventually I will be able to cope with it all a bit better. It is early days yet for both of us and we probably have a long way to go yet but like you I have other children who need me and I am trying to plough my time into them. Please read my posting "The loss of my children" Each day I get through is another day over and maybe as time goes on we will get stronger. I have lots of memories of my sons, some sad and many happy ones and whilst it upsets me I like to draw on these memories as it keeps them close to me. I do hope that you find the help and support that you need at this time and I hope that I have been of some help to you. I wish you all the best and I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you. Kind regards, June
  2. Hi there, I'm hoping that if I put my thoughts into a visual form it will help me understand where my head is at. I have lost three children over the last 33 years. On the 8th August 1972 I lost my little girl, Stacey Louise to cot death. She was 4 months old and she was beautiful. A lovely sister for her older brother Paul, then 2 years old. I don't know how but I coped and got on with my life. I went on to have three more children, 2 more sons and another daughter. On the 30th Anniversary of Stacey's death my second eldest son, Lindley, died of a cardiac arrest. He had been very poorly for a couple of years and was in hospital but we all thought he would make it but then he had a relapse and his heart just couldn't handle it and gave up. He was a lovely young man who wouldn't hurt a fly. He couldn't even say no to requests made by people in case it hurt their feelings even when it would have been better for him to say no. He was 28 years old. He left two lovely daughters behind who I now have custody of. Three years down the line it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened and I will always miss him. And the fact that he died on the same day as his sister had 30 years before him has proper done my head in. As if that wasn't enough, on Friday the 13th of May 2005 my eldest son, Paul, was found dead at his flat. In less than 3 years I had lost my two big boys. Paul was 34 and very much his own man. He had been dead approx a week before he was found and it took the police until the 23rd June to find me. So he had been dead for around 5 weeks before I found out. He lived 350 miles away from me and I was going frantic at not being able to contact him but Paul was a wanderer and it wasn't unusual for him to disappear for a week or two and then ring me when he got back but he had not been gone for so long before. He lived on his own and kept the two areas of his life very separate. But that is the way he wanted it to be. As I have the two little girls I couldn't just up and off but I had only said to my husband that if I hadn't managed to make contact by the end of the week I was going to ring the police. Instead they found me. When you get a knock on the door and a policewoman or man is stood there you know before they even open their mouth that it is bad news. And I did. I knew the minute I opened the door to her that she was here about my beloved 1st born. I didn't know what to do then and I still don't know what to do now. The post mortem could not find any reason for his death and the inquest returned a verdict of natural causes. But what is natural about just dying for no apparent reason at the very young age of 34. He didn't drink and he didn't do drugs, the pm showed his heart, liver, lungs and kidneys to be sound so why did he have to die. Where is the logic in that. I have had to contain my grief and grieve when I am alone as it was affecting my youngest little girl very badly but my head just won't shut up. I have tried to find a little compartment in what is left of my heart to keep them in but they won't stay in there. I don't know who I am anymore or what I did that was so wrong that I had to be punished in this way. I feel that the last 34 years have all been for nothing. These three children were all from my 1st marriage and I feel like I have lost a full family. All I have left are memories and some photos. Not a lot is it? I have my son (now 24) and my daughter (now 27) from my second marriage and my two little angels (now 5 and 7)and I love them all dearly and I thank the Lord that I still have them but I am so scared that they will be taken from me that it stops me interacting with them properly and that isn't fair on them, they have done nothing wrong. I feel so angry. I know that this pain will never ever go away and right now it just all seems too big for me. I know that somehow it is all my fault and this leads me to question my right to be a mother at all. How can I be responsible for 4 other lives when I couldn't keep the other three safe and well. I keep thinking that I should have just gone to his home when I couldn't reach him but I had no reason to think that he was dead. He had friends all over the country and would sometimes go to stay with them for a week or two. Sometimes I think that I am going crazy and that I serve no useful purpose whatsoever. I don't go out of the house unless I have to, I don't sleep very well, I don't eat very well and I try very hard to keep things normal for the two little ones but for the most part I just go through the motions and I don't do that very well either. What's left of my heart is in pieces and I just don't know if it will ever go back together again at all. I just feel so desolate, that I could and should have done more to prevent my eldest sons death. How I wish I could turn the clock back and have a second chance but that will never be. I want my children to forgive me for letting them all down so badly but I can't even ask them for that now can I? What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. People think that I am coping as I am calm on the outside but inside I am a seething mass of turmoil. Perhaps it will ease with time, it is still very early days yet but I hadn't got over Lindleys death then Paul died so I can't see it easing much. There is so much more that I could say, I could go on for ever, but I have gone on long enough now so I would just like to say thank you very much for listening to me it has helped a little. Thank you.
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