Meow-Meow's Mommy

Sarah, Very similar to you - here is my story: On June 29, 1989, at around 6am in Gilroy, CA., my dad was driving his truck to Las Vegas, NV., for a quick vacation. It was a Thursday. The weekend before he moved my sister and I into a townhouse, he was 48 years old, I was 24 years old and my sister was 19 years old with a 1 yr old son, my dad's first grandchild, and his only grandson. He was a carpenter all his life, very strong, very big, very handsome, I always felt safe knowing he was there, and always would be there. That weekend he helped us move, for the very first time ever, he looked different to me and I didn't know why, so I blew it off. That Wednesday, he came over before his trip to Vegas to say goodbye and have dinner with my sis and I, again, he looked different and I couldn't figure out why, as he left, he hugged me as always, but this time he wouldn't let go, and I didn't know why, so I just held onto him. The next communication my family would receive would be at around 4am Friday morning, 6/30/89. At the age of 48, with one grandchild, never having walked me down an aisle to get married, at around 6am on 6/29/89, all by himself, my dad died of a massive heart attack. He was driving at the time, and was able to pull off to the side of the highway with minimal damage to his truck, and there on the side of the hwy, hwy 101 in Gilroy, CA., he died all by himself. There is so much I want to share with you Sarah, but I'll begin with this. It's now been 16 1/2 years, it took me 11 years to work through the grief, and 11 years was way, way too long. I and my family know exactly what you and your family are going through. As the oldest, my sisters were 19 and 16, the 16 yr old still in high school, and with my parents being divorced, I had all the legal responisbilities to close all of his affairs, of arranging the funeral, everything. Even if my parents had still been married, my mom would not have been able to handle all the pressure and stress, even though they were divorced, they still loved each other very, very much, so much so that the night before he left town, they were intimate (she would later tell us). The first year I went back to smoking and drinking, he left us some life insurance $ and to me it felt like blood money, so I squandered it all away within about 18 months, and boy the guilt from that. But anyway, I just wanted you to know there is someone out here who has been through exactly what you are going through right now, only we were even younger than your family. I am now 41 years old and have since gotten married, both my sisters have more kids, but our dad has never been able to be a part of this life, this life of husbands and grandchildren, and yes, it's a knife in the gut and in the heart, and it will come out, but it takes a long, long time and a lot, lot of patience. You need to not drive your daughter and husband away, you need them now more than ever, have them read this if it will help, write me and tracy.hebert@phs.com or tracyeh@deanith.net and I will tell you everything, I've written tributes, I've written about the journey, I've written about the pain, I would love to share all with you. I'm on this post because on 10/25/05, my husaband and I had to put our preciuos 16 year old baby girl Meow-Meow to sleep due to kidney failure and hyper-thyroid. We don't have any children, and I love her as much as any mother loves her child, and it was completely devestating. It was the hardest loss since my dad, and there have been at least a half a dozen losses since my dad died, and Meow-Meow's has been the hardest. You will get through this, but it is going to take time, and work, and patience, acceptance, and you need the help and support of your family, at least with my experienece, I couldn't do it alone. AFter the 1st year is when I met my husband and I was a complete wreck. Thank God for him, I prayed for the Lord to send me someone to help me through because I couldn't do it alone anymore, and He sent me Dean. I was able to stop smoking and drinking, I started paying the bills again and I stopped wasting money, and I let go of all the guilt, guilt over things I had absolutely no control over. Please write back, and take care, and God Bless! In Loving Memory of Loyd English, Jr., and Meow-Meow English-Hebert, Tracy English-Hebert I kept my dad's name to honor him.

I just don't even know how to reply to these posts, it has broken my heart. AS I mentioned to another griever over losing her children, I don't have any, so there's no way I can even come close to saying "I understand", because I don't. I've lost my dad, (took me 11 years to work through, he was 48), many extended family members, and most recently, my 16 year old baby, Meow-Meow. My best friend from high-school's son was killed in an auto accident in 1997 at the age of 15, and that is the closest I've come to knowing your grief. I agree that a parent should never have to bury their child, my grandmother was there when we buried her son, my dad, and I saw the agony and pain and torment she suffered and wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even an enemy. If you can hang in there, it will get easier, it will never go away, love never dies, and your lives are changed forever, but you will find a way to go on, if not for any other reason, for your 3 other children. I know you know this, but they need you so depserately right now, and they are going to need you for a long time to help them get through this in a healthy way. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thoughts, and just go one day at a time, one hour at a time, and some day, you will be able to remember your memories without the knife in the heart, and will be able to smile. My dad died on 6/29/89, and on 9/11/01, for a split second I thought "I better call dad and ask him what he thinks", then I remembered. It never "goes away", it's always there, but the pain does ease up, and remember, love never dies, it is eternal. In loving Memory of Loyd English, Jr. and Meow-Meow English-Hebert Tracy English-Hebert

I know she knew and she knows, mom's just know, so much more than we ever give them credit for, and I'm not a mom so I'm not being bias My dad died when I was 24 back in 1989. He and my mom had a very rocky marriage, separated when I was 12, back together again, off and on all through high school, very turbulant time for me, and being the oldest of 3 girls, a lot of responsibilities fell on me. Dad and I were always very close and I love him with all my heart. During those turbulant years, however, especially during high school, I rebelled, and I had an attitude, and we weren't as close then as he or I would have liked, but I blamed him a lot on how our family was back then, I was a kid, ignorant and in a lot of pain. When I finally got my head out of my butt in January of 1989 I made it a point to start spending time with him, like you had with your mom. I had 6 months before he died suddently of a massive heart attack at the age of 48, and at first I thought like you did, that I was robbed and cheated, that we had so many more years left together, he hadn't even gotten to walk me down the aisle when I got married, he never got to see any of his grandkids except his first one, Adrian Loyd, and he was only 1 year old when our dad died. I came to realize in time, however, that those 6 months were actually a gift, that I was blessed with those 6 months, noone else had the 6 months like I had, noone else was blessed with spending the time with him like I did for those 6 months. Yes, I wanted more, I wanted him back, I still do, I would and will give anything to have him back, but life doesn't work that way. Try to see the last amount of time you had with your mom as a gift instead of looking at it the other way. I know how hard it is, I have been there, it took me 11 E L E V E N long years to finally accept my healing, to finally make peace with my dad's death, to finally have hope and joy again, and 11 years is way too long, unhealthily too long, and I never want to go through that again with anyone, so I know of what I speak. You were given a gift, and your mom absolutely 100% knew and knows how much she meant to her child and how much her child loves her, no matter what religious or political differences you may have had, all that doesn't matter to a child/parent relationship, ultimately. Take care my friend, (BTY, I'm pretty conservative too) Tracy

Dearest Only Child, Thank you so much for sharing your faith and scripture, as I too am a devout Christian. My dad went "home" on June 29, 1989 at the age of 48, after suffering a massive heart attack, I was 24 years old at the time, my parents were divorced and I am the oldest of 3 girls, so I, alone, was responsible for handling all the affairs and final preparations, etc. My dad, however, a couple of years before he died, decided to put into place plans for his funeral for when the time came, I have no idea if he had preminutions or whatever, all I know is he pretty much made all the arrangements, all I had to do was sign on the dotted line, with regards to the funeral arrangements. My struggle was in the legalism religion I was taught as a child, growing up in a small "holy rolling" Pentecostal church, I was taught that if you do certain things, like smoke or whatever, you are "back-slidden" and you're going straight to Hell, literally, and this was a church where my very own aunt was the preacher, so it was "all in the family". I love my aunt, and I am so thankful I was brought up in a Christian home, and as a family, we have all learned over the years not to place judgment too quickly on a situation, as only the Lord really knows anyone's heart, so I'm happy to say in the midst of growing up in a legalistic religious atmosphere, our family has learned and accepted more and more scriptural truth. That said, when my dad died in 1989, with what I was raised in, they all said "he was back-slidden", therefore, he was in hell, but I knew differently, the Lord had spoken to me so many times before and after my dad's death that my dad was with Him in Heaven, but it was difficult for me to accept because the enemy kept reminding me of the incorrect teachings I had received as a child, and it took me 11 years to finally accept the truth, that my dad is in Heaven with our Lord, and he's waiting for me and his family. I was just so touched by what you said, I had to respond, people are responding left and right to other posts, and I always incorporate a little bit about my faith when I respond, but I had seen where you hadn't had any responses, and I wanted you to know that I appreciate what you wrote and I'm thankful, and I know half of what you are going through, and you are not alone, and you are loved. Please write anytime and remember: Matthew 5:4, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted", and Isaiah 40:31, "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". Your friend and sister in Christ Jesus, Tracy

Hey there Jeepxtreme, As Maylissa said, you have gotten some really good, solid advice from all these folks who know a little something about grieving, and as Maylissa said, WHAT THEY SAID! I'm 41 years old now, but when I was 24 years old, 1 1/2 weeks away from my 25th birthday, my dad at age 48 had a massive heart attack, and unlike your dad, he did not survive. I am the oldest of 3 girls, and like you our families came and stayed for a while, but then all went home, and I was the "rock" for my family, my mom and my sisters and anyone else who needed to lean on someone. I had all the legal responsibilities to close out all of his affairs, etc., and it was very difficult, although like you, I wouldn't change it for the world, I felt it was the least I could for him. I love my dad very much and we were very close and this was a very tramatic experience for myself, and my family. It was June 29, 1989, and I don't know where you live or if you remember, but we were living in the Bay Area at the time (SF, CA), and on October 17th, 1989 was the huge earthquake that rocked all the way north to SF and all the way south to Watsonville and everything in the middle. I worked in Menlo Park at the time (about 1 hour from home), home was San Jose and Campbell. I went straight to my mom's, it took me about 2 1/2 hours to get there, and when I did, she said "your dad's pissed that he died"! We all knew she was kidding, but for some reason, it resonated. Maylissa was also correct in the timing of it all. It took me 11 years, ELEVEN LONG years, to finally come to terms, to have peace, to deal, to accept, to let go of the pain. I wasn't married when my dad died, I only met my husband a year later, so he never got to know my dad, and visa versa, and my dad never got to walk me down the aisle. We've been married now going on 13 years, together for 15, and for 11 of those years, I was grieving my dad's death. I've learned that I can let go of the pain without letting go of him, but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work and you have to be a willing participant. All of what you are going through is totally normal, and it will take some time, but I have also learned on this journey of mine, that a lot of it is making a choice, a choice to be healthy, a choice to say, it's okay to let go of the pain without letting go of the person I love. I also agree in the previous post that you shouldn't make any major decisions right now about leaving or whatever, that you should wait at least one entire year, if not longer. I made a lot of choices and decisions in the year that followed my dad's death that I wish I could go back and change, but I can't, so give yourself some time. When people, even your spouse, seem to be impatient with your grief, or seem to not understand or uncaring, or when they don't have anything to say, it doesn't mean they don't care or don't love you, it just means that aren't feeling what you are feeling and they don't know how to deal with it, they don't know how to console you, they probably want to "fix" it for you, but they realize that they can't, so they say or act in these ways that seem hurtful, but they aren't meant to be hurtful. Just gently remind them that you are going to need a lot of time and patience from them, and it isn't going to "get better" over night. I also agree that counseling would be very beneficial to you. I went to counseling after my dad died for about 2 months, and it was wonderful, it was christian counseling, so it was the same faith base that I have, so that would be important as well, to align with whatever faith you may or may not have (I can't imagine not having any faith). It helped me tremendously. You are not alone, and what you are feeling is totally normal. The important thing is to be careful in the decisions and choices that you make, that if it's too big of a decision/choice, that you put it off as long as you can, and definitely get into a routine and stick with it even if it's boring, until you get a place where you can go on productivily and healthily without being in the boring routine. I also agree about writing, as I am a writer, I highly advocate writing. I wrote many letters to my dad, to myself, to people who had hurt me, none of them were ever mailed, and I was able to release tons of "stuff" and begin the journey of moving on. I describe my journey to people as the defining moment that changed my life forever, and it's true, we will never be the same after loss. Another choice we can make, however, is how we let that affect our future, the rest of our lives. Will we be better people for it, or will we let it destroy us and our lives. I chose to let it make me a better person, a stronger person with strong character, and I desire to reach out to a hurting world, even if one person at a time. I'm on this post because I lost my 16 year old baby Meow-Meow on 10/25/05. I got her months after my dad died, and I love her as much as any parent could love their child. She is the biggest, most painful loss since my dad, and I've lost my grandmother, my step-grandmother, my father-in-law, my husband's grandmother, and others since my dad died, yet Meow-Meow has been the hardest loss for me in those 16 years. You can write me any time, I will always be here for you or anyone else who needs to talk. I have many favoriate scriptures, and many that have been with me on this grief-journey of mine, but these 2 are my absolute favoriate, and I'd like to share them with you. 1. Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". 2. Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". Your friend, Tracy

Hey Mokie and Maylissa, I just replied to Mokie on her personal email, so I won't repeat all that I said on that, but just to say Maylissa, I completely agree with everything you said in your reply, and would just want to add this regarding your husband and how he seemed to heal quicker than you: You do not need to feel bad about how you are grieving, yes, you are grieving extremely and hard, but don’t let anyone take that away from you. AS Maylissa mentioned In her reply to you that her husband healed faster than she did and she didn’t understand, my husband has also seemed to heal faster than me, but I think the truth of it is that men have a much harder time dealing with their grief than women do, it’s not a macho or ego thing at all, I truly think that they just don’t know how to deal with it and it frustrates them and they do whatever they need to do to get through it as quickly as possible. My husband has told me many times in his life when he was feeling that badly that it made him want to get a gun and shoot himself, so I think with men when they are grieving, it must make them all feel that way and it scares them, so they just try to get through it quickly. And remember Maylissa, as you, I, MartyT, and others have said before, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time, and even if we think they got through it to quickly, who are we to judge? And on that same token, if someone close to us heals quicker than us, and they expect us to heal quickly, we need to remind them of what I just said above about in our own way and our own time. I would like to also say on the topic of counseling and being careful, I compeltely agree, but as a 100% bible-believing Christian, I have come to find in some of my own research and the scriptural research of others, pastors, lay-persons, etc., that there are many, many christians out there who believe as I do, that our babies are in Heaven waiting for us, and that every single furbaby who has passed on and who will pass on has a place in Heaven, where there is no beginning and no end, and there is no running out of space, so there is defintely enough room for all of us. Yes, there are those christians who do not believe that, or who say, "the Bible doesn't make it clear", well, Pastor Jack Van Impe and Billy Graham and Dr. Bernie Coombs and others HAVE done scriptural research that DOES back up what we believe, that all of our beloved animals have a place in Heaven. So, anyway, just wanted to get that out there and hope that it encourages you all. God Bless! Tracy

I do the very same thing daily, I kiss her picture several times, I talk to her, tell her how much I love her and miss her and look forward to the day when we'll be together again, and I talk to her about her new sister and 2 new brothers, and she, Meow-Meow, will always be my one and only Cherie Amour', that I will love our new babies with all my heart, but each one of them will be special in their own way, just as she is special in being her mommy's Cherie Amour (my sweet love). I also have been collecting photos of her, and putting collages together, and writing tributes to her, and was keeping a daily journal the first 2 weeks after her death, so, we have a lot in common. Thanks for writing back. Take care. Tracy

I meant to say "tape worm" they've been treated for tape worm, but they still may have parisites.

Good Morning Luma, 2 things. 1 - I'm sorry if mine and Maylissa's thoughts on breeding hurt you, I'm very sorry. I learned this last week at church that even as much as I love all animals, I need to watch my mouth around others who purchase their loved furbabies. It always has been and always will be a passion of mine to rescue an animal who would otherwise be homeless, orphaned, abandon or killed because of its existence and to not purchase an animal from a pet store, breeder, or otherwise. I have a dear friend at church who purchased 2 kitties from a pet store and before I realized that I spouted off my mouth about my passion. The fact is that there are breeders, and there are pet stores, and as long as there are, the furbabies they sell are still innocent lives who need a loving home, it isn't their fault they were brought into the world to bring a human financial gain, so I apologized to her, and of course, she was very understanding and told me I didn't need to apologize, but I did anyway. 2 - We had our beloved Meow-Meow cremated and brought her ashes home 2 days after. I know exactly how you feel, it made me "feel better" knowing I at least had that, that after 16 years of unconditional, devoted, and pure love that she brought to me and her daddy, we did the very best for her that we could, that we honored her in this way and that we cherish her. We had a private cremation which cost us more $, but I didn't care, I only wanted her ashes, and now, her ashes are on top of our TV with her picture on top, and the vet made a paw print out of hers out of clay for us, so her little paw print is on her ashes box as well, and there they will stay for however long we need them to stay there. For the first 2 weeks practically, I slept in the living room so I could be closer to her ashes, and it did make me feel a little better. I'm very happy for you that you have the same sense of temporary closure. I have noticed, however, that with the new 3 babies that we adopted from a no-kill shelter, whose mom was killed by a car, that I'm freaking out over every little medical thing that could be wrong. Phillip has a UTI and they all have ringworm, and they may all have parasites. We took them into our vet on Saturday, Phillip is on antiboitics and I've been treating them all with a topical for the ringworm and the doctor is supposed to look into an oral treatment for the ringworm and get back to me, and then we need to get stool samples in to determine if they have ringworm or not. They were treated for ringworm before we got them, but they all have little pot bellies, that's why our vet thinks they may have a parasite. So, I know these things are all minor and very treatable, but I'm still freaking out a little. But, I'm sure they will all be okay, we're taking very good care of them and nursing them all back to really good health, they're just 3 months old. Well, Luma, take care, again, I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt about that previous post, but I'm glad you are considering taking one of the kittens. Tracy

Maylissa - AMEN! =)

Hi Maylissa and Luma, On the book, I ordered it off a web site, and it's been a few weeks now since I did, but I'll dig through the book and see if I can find some contact information. That was easy: www.eternalanimals.com That should get you going, and it wasn't very expensive at all. I totally agree with you on all you said about animals having a soul and going to Heaven 100%, and our Creator does love them as He loves us and He wouldn't so crule as to let us love a being without giving us the hope of eternal life after death with our beloved animals. I have found in my life, in my different areas of grieving for people and animals I have loved and lost (temporarily) that it just doesn't matter to me anymore what others think, especially if it goes against my instinct, because Jesus lives in my heart, and my heart talks to me all the time, so I believe it is the Lord, speaking to my heart, speaking to me, my mind and soul. Luma, I think that's great that Chino's mommy has more babies. My 16 year old baby Meow-Meow had to go to Rainbow Bridge on 10/25, which is just a little over 3 weeks now, and this last Sunday, we adopted 3 homeless, orphaned kittens, and I can't tell you how much joy they have already brought me, love and laughter. The first 3 weeks after Meow-Meow went to Heaven, I cried all the way home from work, thinking of going home to an empty house, except my husband of course. Now, I can't wait to get home. We were going to get 2 because we didn't want one to feel lonely when we weren't there, but it just happened that all 3 were sibblings and we didn't want to separate them, they already lost their mom to an auto accident. I think when the new babies are ready, Chino's extended sibblings, I think you will be ready to adopt a new one, and I think your beloved baby you still have with you will be ready for a new sister/brother/friend. Just my opinion for what it's worth. Hey, we don't know each other, but we do, we share something very powerful in common, so, please don't think I say this lightly - I love you guys! I'm praying for you! Always, Tracy

Good Morning Luma and Maylissa, Just a quick note on what your friends and family say. We also go through that with some of our friends and family, they don't love animals like we do, they don't have that bond and connection, and they don't understand that our furbabies mean as much to us as their own children do, they just don't get it, so, when you get that reaction, it's important to remember that they don't understand, but that they do care about you, and they are saying whatever they can to try to bring you comfort. But, you DO NOT have to move on and get over it at their pace, you go at your own pace, and let your heart, mind and soul dictate. I'm so glad this forum is here, it's so comforting to me to know I'm not the only person who loves animals as much as I do and completely and totally believe they have hearts, souls, and spirits, just like we humans do, and that there definitely is a place in Heaven for them, and that we will be reuinited with them one day. Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you that it is totally okay for you to grieve in your way and in your timing, and you don't have to "move on" until you are ready. Also, being a devout Bible-believing Christian, I struggled with other Christian opinions on their perspective of whether or not there is a place in Heaven for our beloved furbabies, and I've done some research and have bought a few books and a DVD, and, they are from Pastors who have done scriptural research on the subject, and agree, there is definitely a place in Heaven for our babies. One of them is: "All Creatures Do Go to Heaven Especially Pets", by Dr. Bernard J. Coombs out of Australia, and his email is: creaturestoheaven@pacific.net.au. Then there's a book called "There is Eternal Life for Animals" written by Niki Behrikis Shanahan, I also found her on the net. And finally, Rev. Jack Van Impe, there is a web site, has a DVD about pets and animals going to Heaven. These resources helped me so much, to validate my belief that my babies are there waiting for me, knowing they passed into a new life and did not die forever has brought me so much comfort and healing, I hope it will for you as well. Have a blessed day. Love, Tracy

Luma, I am so sorry for your loss, your words have brought me to tears again. A couple of things I'd like to just put out there. Yes, I do think you should get another companion for the one who is left with you, as far as timing, you are going to have to be the judge of that, when you are ready, and you will know when that is. Next, the saddness, guilt, fear, etc., we all experience that when we lose someone we love very much. My 16 year old baby had to be put to sleep from kidney failure and hyper thyroid on October 25th, and to answer your thoughts that it might be easier if they lived a long life, it is not, for me, I have found that it was harder because she and I were so close and have such a strong bond and connection, a heart connection, having her for 16 years made it so much harder for me, but I do take a LOT of comfort in knowing she did live a long, very happy and very loved life with me and that she was so spoiled. You didn't do anything wrong. Our babies can't talk to us and tell us when something is wrong. It sounds like you did EVERYTHING right, you couldn't have done anything more and you need to let go of this guilt that your baby would not want you to carry. Your baby would want you to be happy, lead a happy life and not feel guilt for ANYTHING, and to know that you made all the difference in the world in his/her life for the one year that you did have her/him. Who knows? If you hadn't be his/her mommy what kind of life she/he would have had, maybe she/he wouldn't have lived for an entire year, maybe their life would have been cut short. I hope this helps, from one kitty lover to another, who has gone through what you are going through. I've had many furbabies in my life, most of whom did not live past 3 years because they were out-door cats and I was young and ignorant, so I learned how to really take care of my furbaby and for me, I feel it's better to keep them indoors for a longer life. But, just know you are not alone and we are all grieving with you, that's why we are on this post. I also 100% believe that our furbabies are waiting for us in Heaven!!!!! In Loving Memory of Meow-Meow, Tracy - Meow-Meow's Mommy

Meow-Meow Hea English-Hebert 3/13/1990 – 10/25/2005 ~ Trust ~ You trusted us to take care of you You trusted us to love you You trusted us with your life and well-being You trusted us to know when the time came, to make the right decision You trusted us with the final steps You trusted us . . . . I pray we did you justice, That we took good, no great care of you, That we loved you completely and unconditionally, That we took care of your life and well-being, and did a great job, That we tried really hard not to be selfish and know when the time came to make the most difficult and painful decision to let you go into The Father’s Hands when you were ready to go, And that we made all the right decisions concerning the final steps, And that especially we were a good mommy and daddy while you were here with us on earth. I trust you will be waiting for me and daddy on the other side, When it’s our time to “go Home”. Love eternally,Your Mommy Tracy English-Hebert

Dear One, I don't know the loss you are suffering, but I do know loss, personally. I don't have any children either, but I have nieces and nephews and friends who have children, and I know that does not compare to being a mother, or losing a child, so I won't even try to tell you that I understand, because I don't. However, I know you are hurting and I know some of the emotions you share in the losses I have had in my life. My best friend from high school had a baby when she was 17, his name is Tommy. In 1997, right before his 15th birthday he went with family friends to an outing, but they went somewhere they weren't supposed to go and my friend, Debbie, didn't know. She got a call in the middle of the night that there had been an auto accident, and that her son did not survive. That is the closest I personally have gotten to know the loss of a child. I would like to say to you that none of it was your fault, that you did do your very best as a parent and as a mother, that is apparent in the 2 grandchildren from the one son, and the evidence that your older son was leading a happy, productive life 350 miles away from you. Life is too short and life is not fair, but these deaths were not your fault. The last 34 years of your life were not a waste, a wash up, they were not for not. You now have 2 grandbabies who need you and who are a product of those 34 years. Love NEVER dies, love will live on into eternity, and after this life, we will all see and find out that loves does indeed live on into eternity. You produced 3 beautiful children in those 34 years who now, are waiting your arrival someday, but in the meanwhile, need you to raise the 2 grandbabies. You will be reunited with your 3 children one day, and your 2 grandbabies, and your other 2 children from your 2nd marriage. These are just some of the thoughts I was having after reading your post, I hope it makes sense, I hope it brings you some encouragement. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless, In Loving Memory of Meow-Meow and In Loving Memory of Loyd English, Jr. Tracy

Dear Devoted. On June 29, 1989, at the age of 48, my dad was driving to Las Vegas from California on Hwy 101, at around 6am. I was 24 years old, and the oldest of 3 girls, and my parents were divorced. He had a massive heart attack all alone in his truck, and died on Hwy 101 in Gilroy, CA. I too have faith in Jesus Christ, and know without a doubt my dad was saved and is in Heaven waiting for me. My dad dying was the defining event in my entire life and has driven me ever since. It's been a little over 16 years now, but I still miss him terribly, but the knife in the gut pain is finally gone. It took me 11 years to have peace and let go of the grief of losing my dad, and it was 11 years of torment, pain, depression, anger, saddness, lonliness and suffering. I too felt the fear you express. I explain it like this to people: I was flying at about 1000 mph in the air and suddendly I hit a brick wall and fell to the ground, then, someone picked me up and ripped off all my skin with all of my nerves exposed for 11 years. It can completely re-define you, and you can let it devestate you, or you can let it make you a stronger, better person. I chose the latter, but it wasn't easy, it was, at times, not even a day-to-day struggle, sometimes, an hour-to-hour, or minute-by-minute struggle, but I made it through. Guilt does not come from our Father, it comes from our enemy, and our Father does not want you to feel guilty about anything, especially events that you had absolutely no control over, and I know your dad would want to say to you to have a good, happy life, and do not feel guilt or regret about anything in the past, or about anything you had absolutely no control over. Your dad and my dad are standing at the Feet of Jesus right now, and guess what? They're talking about you and me, their children. I'm 41 years old now, and at times, feel like I'm 100, and at times, feel like I'm 4. I pray you let this guilt go back to the enemy who brought it to you, and that you can give the fear over to our Father as well, as He does not bring us fear, He does not want us to live in fear, read the Psalms and Isaiah over and over again, those 2 books brought me much peace and comfort in the days, weeks, months and years after my dad's passing. Write letters to your dad, write letters to yourself, read them and re-read them, get all of your feelings out. I did, and continue to do so. I'm on this site because I recently lost my 16 year old baby Meow-Meow, I got her months after my dad died, and losing her has been the hardest loss I've been through since my dad, and I saw the post about losing parents, and I KNOW what it is, and how is feels, and where it takes you. Please feel free to email me anytime at either tracy.herbert@phs.com or tracyeh@deanith.net I am available to talk anytime, and share my writings with you. You will get through this, the fear and guilt will subside, the knife in your heart and gut will ease its way out eventually, and someday, you will be able to remember your dad and smile, and the good memories won't torment you. God Bless my dear one, In Loving Memory of Meow-Meow and In Loving Memory of Loyd English, Jr. Tracy

Skyebean, Maylissa, Eliza - I've written a couple of you before, and you have so lovingly replied to me with words of love, compassion, understanding, encouragement. We are all in this together. As you know, my beloved Meow-Meow left me last Tuesday, 10/25/05, after 16 years of a wonderful, loving, life together, and she too, went to sleep in my arms, I held her very close the last 45 minutes of her life here on earth, and I miss her so much, the pain at times has been so unbearable, as you all write. I also am not at a place where I can reply back as eloquently as you all have done, but I just offer my heart and my sorrow. When my dad died in 1989 at the age of 48, for a couple of years, I would have these wonderful dreams about him, I'm convinced that God gave me those dreams to bring me comfort and peace. I've been praying I would have dreams like that about Meow-Meow, but so far I haven't, but, this morning, my husband, her daddy, told me he had a wonderful dream about her last night (we're still sleeping in the living room with her ashes), that she came to him all perky and happy and healthy, she came to him as a ghost in his dream, and that he was petting her and was confused that he could "feel" her knowing she was a ghost/spirit, and I told him, that was your comfort dream from the Lord, that she is happy and healthy and perky, she wants her daddy to know it's okay, and that she loves him and will wait for both of us in Heaven. I too completely believe our furbabies will wait for us in Heaven, 100%! Everything you have written on this post is everything I have been feeling and experiencing, so, as you all mention, we are not alone, we are in this together. Any of you can write me any time: tracy.herbert@phs.com or tracyeh@deanith.net In Loving Memory of Meow-Meow, Tracy (Meow-Meow's Mommy)

Dear Maylissa and Mokie's Mommy and Smokey's Mommy - I think a couple of you know who I am, Meow-Meow's Mommy, and that she too had to go to Heaven last Tuesday, 10/25/05, at the age of 16. All of the things you both have written are EVERYTHING I have been going through as well. I miss my baby so much and I love her with every fiber of my being. She was the only baby in the house. We had her sister from 1985 through 1995 and she, Cheetah, had to go to Heaven due to cancer, so in 1995 when Meow-Meow was only 5 years old, we decided to just have her and spoil her rotten and let her be the queen bee of the house, which she was. So for 10 years, Meow-Meow was the only baby, and I wouldn't have had it any other way, she was and still is so loved by me and her daddy, and we both miss her terribly. I lost my dad in 1989 at the age of 48, and it took me 11 years to come to terms with that loss and have peace. I can't go through that again, it almost killed me, so I have been praying and leaning on my family and friends, and have decided, yes, made a decision, that I can let go of the pain without letting go of Meow-Meow. I was able to, after 11 years, let go of the pain of losing my dad, but not letting go of him, so I know it can be done. If you haven't been able to do that before, which I hadn't, it isn't an easy thing to do the first time, I went through all the normal emotions associated with that, thinking I was dis-honoring my dad, his memory, my love for him, letting HIM go, but as I said before, when I was finally able to let the PAIN go and not HIM, it was the most freeing thing I had ever experienced in my entire life, and I know I can do it again. I have decided to HONOR Meow-Meow by loving other furbabies who would otherwise not have a home, or even die before their time, my baby Meow-Meow loves me and wants her mommy and daddy to be happy, and so I will continue our FAMILY, so that when we all DO meet up in Heaven, what a huge family of furbabies, and a mommy and a daddy that will be. I do have my moments, and I'm sure they will continue into the days, weeks, and months, and even years ahead, because I miss her so much. If I am to continue on in my life, I absolutely must let go of the pain, for me personally, this is what I have to do, because if I don't, I will not be able to bear life, and all I will want to do is die myself, and I know I have a purpose and God has a plan for my life and there is something I am supposed to do here before He calls me home, so I am willing to do what He wants me to do with my life and go home when He calls me, and when He does, I will be reuinted not only with my dad, and all my other loved ones who have gone before, but also all my furbabies and especially Meow-Meow. I don't know if this has helped or not, I pray so, I would just like to be an encouragement to you all, and anyone else who would read this post, that during our most darkest hours, during our most difficult times, when our hearts are breaking the most, we can be an encouragement to someone else, and we can Honor our babies by doing so. My baby was the most generous, loving, kind baby ever (yours too I know), and she wants her mommy to have a happy life, right now she's playing in Heaven with Cheetah, and getting loves and attention from my dad, and Jesus ) and that brings my heart much joy and comfort, hope and peace. Blessings to you, may the Lord renew your hearts, heal your hearts, bring you peace, joy, hope and happiness. If you ever need or want to talk outside this posting board, you may write me at: tracy.herbert@phs.com or tracyeh@deanith.net God Bless - Tracy

Well, I am new to any kind of board. 2 days ago, my husband and I had let our beloved 16 year old kitty, Meow-Meow to go eternal sleep, she went in my arms. I know all the good things, that she had a wonderful, spoiled, loved life, that she isn't suffering anymore, she's not in any pain, I do believe with all my heart she is in Heaven with our Lord right now and that I will be reunited with her again one day, I know all of that, but I miss her so much and it hurts so much, I too am having trouble sleeping, eating, concentrating, finding joy in anything. I really don't know how to go on. Our house is kind of a mess, she was throwing up and missing the litter box, and although we cleaned up after her all the time, none of those reminants are left behind, there are others that are, like her fur and paw prints and litter spread around, etc., and I love a clean house, and need to do laundry, but I have no desire to do that, I don't want to clean my house or do my laundry, and I need to, but I can't muster up the strength to do it. My husband wanted to get new kitties right away, and I know it's because he's hurting and he doesn't want too much time to go by without having the love of kitties in our home, but I feel like it's a bit too soon, we'll have them in 2 weeks, so it'll be about 2 1/2 weeks after we let Meow-Meow go home. So, anyway, I guess that's it for now. Thanks,.