Joani

Thanks for talking about confliciting feelings about mothers. I moved away from home when I was 18 and only came back for a day at a time over the years. Later, when I was older I began to accept my mother for who she was, and finally in her last two years, she moved closer to be near me, and I was happy for this, and able to see her every week when she was in an apartment, and almost every day when she was in a nursing home. I'm glad I had this time, and I always enjoyed going to see her. She would always feed me something, and I would feel like I was being taken cared of. I don't have that now anywhere. It was very special these past two years. I do have some guilt because when she was dying, I continued to travel for work, even though she didn't want me to. My daughter and her fiancee were with her when she died, and I was on a plane coming home. In a way I'm glad I didn't see her dying, and can remember her alive. She was a very strong woman, but lonely in many ways. She had her emotional problems, and had trouble fitting in, but was always telling others what to do. She was very intelligent, and always encouraged me to be all that I could be. She always said that I had a right to work and a family. She encouraged my children to go on to get professional degrees. I am beginning to know now that I am more like my mother than I thought. I am "strong" like her, but also emotionally tend to keep to myself. I love a few people, but have trouble committing. Right now I am a bit lost, trying to figure out whether to move, and whether to to remarry, but both are overwhelming decisions. I'm realizing that I am handling a lot emotionally, and need support.

I want to write about losing my mother. My mother died this past May, after spending 7 months in a nursing home in severe pain. We were all waiting for her to go, and she was ready to go, so it was a relief. She died the weekend that my youngest child, her youngest grandchild, completed his university education. The past five months have been chaotic for me. I haven't been crying that much, but I feel lost a lot. I had a very strong and not always easy mother. But I had made my peace with that in the last few years and had grown to really appreciate her wisdom and caring for all of us. She raised me to be very very independent, as she was. And partly that made me think that I didn't miss her. But lately I am realizing that she is really gone, and in fact that I don't have any parents at all, and only one brother from my immediate family. This can be scary. It was a very big transition for me. She passed away, my son moved, my daughter got married, all in three months. I have many big decisions on my plate this year - both moving and deciding to re-marry. But I am not able to think really clearly about any of this. Its hard for me to slow down and feel all of the feelings that go with this.