carrieboo

Happy Belated Birthday Kay. Sorry you're feeling bummed, but don't feel bad for complaining. Its all these events (i.e. birthdays, anniversaries), coupled with being alone that also bum me out. Its difficult not to compare our current partner with our old partner, they were such a big part of our lives that we mourn even their actions, attitudes, and wish we could experience that again. But don't feel guilty for missing that. I hope you have a good weekend and get to spend some time with Jim to help you out of this depression, and back to your upbeat self again. xo

What a wonderful idea, very nice! We're thinking of you today! xo

I am confident you will find the strength to carry out his wishes. As you said, yes it is unfortunate his family will not be there, but that is their decision. I hope you find comfort in spreading his ashes, as its something he wanted you to do. Best of luck and tell us how it goes, hugs carrieboo

I am so sorry for your loss, it is still so new to you, and this added stress I am sure does not help. I would suggest you look after your health and healing first, the other stuff can wait. Whenever you feel you need support, you will find it, and many friends, here. big hugs

Clouds and rain do the same for me, it started here yesterday and I didn't feel like I could get through the day. Now it's supposed to rain here all week. Its going to be a hard week. Thanks for posting the link, I'll definetly listen to that song over and over again. I hope you find strength on Oct 3.

Hi Deborah, I'm sorry for your loss. It does slowly get better, even if it's just a little easier to cope with. Sometimes we do and must take steps backward before moving forward with grief. And you will have those hard days where it feels you cannot cope (I have been dealing with it lately on the 3 year mark), however you will have more days when you feel happier, and can remember your partner while smiling rather than crying. It helps to write about it, and writing her sounds like a great idea. I wish you well in your journey, and hope you find comfort here whenever you should need it. Hugs

I want to thank everyone for the kind words, they have helped me alot. Its been a tough few weeks, but I made it through and am feeling somewhat better. DeeGee: I am sorry to hear of your loss. I remember going through phases soon after, not crying as much...maybe our tear ducts run dry. But it comes in waves, along with anger (which thankfully only lasted a few months), and many other feelings I never thought I had. I was amazed at how horrible I felt physically, my body ached right along with my heart. The miscarriage certainly brought back those feelings of loss, and many painful memories, which I think have made this anniversary a little more difficult to handle. I find when i'm busy and talking to people I feel good, but it's when i'm alone and think about everything that has happened, I break down. Again, it comes in waves. In your journey, if you ever feel alone and things are too much to handle at times, its comforting to know you can come here for support. The sadness does seem to just "lay beneath the surface", I wonder if it ever goes away, even for a short period? Maybe I do need to treat myself, and flowers are a great idea. One step, day, and breath at a time. Thanks again for the support, Lots of Love xoxo

I've only been lurking around here the past few months, or maybe its been the past year (I lost my concept of time), work and things have been keeping me busy. But this time of year I seem to notice a pattern. Anxiety, depression, holding back tears, anger, lack of motivation, and unable to concentrate even on the smallest tasks. I've taken on more these past few weeks (2 night courses that take up 3 nights a week) hoping it will distract me, but I think they may be making me worse. I have 2 months to edit my masters thesis, unsure of how I was able to make it that far in the first place, I certainly don't feel like I've learned anyting...as if it all went in one ear and out the other. I thought after 3 years of losing my fiance, falling in love again, and starting a new job, in a new city, would help. I know the grief will never disappear, I will always love and miss him, but I still struggle to be happy. Its as if the "newness" of change makes me happy, makes me feel like i'm making progress and it distracts me, but then the "newness" wears off and I start feelign the same old depressed feelings again. Plus, there are still conflicts between his family and me, and a recent miscarriage, that are making my grief and depression worse. I used to make suggestions to others on how to get through such a horrible loss, but now I cannot follow them myself. Its as if I've backtracked and lost the sense of moving forward. I'm at the point where I feel like quitting it all will make me feel better, less stressed. Thanks for listening

Hi DeeGee, I went back to work after a month (around halloween), part-time for about a week, then just about everyday, however it was very difficult to concentrate. My contract was up just before Christmas and I cant' say I got much work done between halloween and Christmas. But it was good to get some normal routine in again, and see some caring co-workers. I went to school at 3.5 months and don't know how but I made it through. For me, I could have took like a year off, but I knew it wouldn't have done me much good. Getting back into a routine was painful but after a few weeks I felt kind of normal. I do a little teaching with my current job and understand it takes alot of concentration and spirit, so if you don't feel ready then don't feel bad taking more time. Best of luck, xo

IT IS very frustrating when someone goes against your wishes, and those your partner had wanted. Good for you on speaking up about it, its just too bad that you actually had to. I am sorry for that. I know for me it was hard to let go of people doing things against my wishes (and those I know my partner would have wanted). My partner grew up in one place, loved it and being in the outdoors, then his parents had his ashes buried in another (because his mother hated the place they lived, even though they still live there). It went against everything I thought was right, and it still angers me, but there was nothing I could do to change their mind, so I gave up. Though it still really angers me, I think it reduced my anxiety more than fighting about it, because what's more important is what's in your heart. Take care, and I hope things work out for the best.

It is beautiful...best of luck, you can do it!

I agree, My fiance's mother often compared her loss of her son as worse than mine...while I can never understand the pain she (they) must be feeling, is it right for her to compare her loss to mine? I could not even reply to that statement...

Having a scientific background, I think this study is important but is not conclusive, it requires further testing because there are so many confounding factors that can lead to Sudden Cardiac Death....thats the problem with studying disease/health issues...its hard to control for diet, genetic predisposition, environment, etc. I believe that mainstream medical communities don't think twice about these findings for a couple reasons: 1. there is a myriad of new medical research papers published with inconclusive evidence, there is many suggestions, but nothing conclusive...otherwise antidepressants would be taken off the market. 2. In most cases, the risks of depression are higher than the risks of taking the antidepressants (i.e. risks to taking one's life or even taking others') However doctors do seem non-chalant about prescribing these drugs to anyone who say they need them. For me personally, even the lowest dose helps me cope (which I have also taken for depression before losing my fiance). But, it is nice to know what research is being done out there, as not all of it is made public. Thanks for sharing.

I know its frustrating when people say stupid things to you...but thanks for this post, it really made me laugh when I needed it. A book should be published about all this stuff so people can read about "what NOT to say" to those greiving. I used to get irritated with people telling me I look like I'm doing well, or I look good....well thanks, I didnt' realize I'd looked like crap before...do you think I really care what I look like after going through (what feels like) hell? Also, after my fiance passed (his friend was with him but survived, and thus we became closer friends), his friend's girlfriend called me up after they broke up and told me she was so upset she felt it were the same as if he had died as well....I was speechless.... But comparing losing your dog/bird? Wow, it made me laugh. Thanks, xo

I am a little late replying, but I wanted to say that for me things definetly get worse before they got better...its like the first month or two was a blur, I was numb. Then it hit me, I got worse, cried alot, felt like my heart was ripped out, and wanted to just die. Then I got angry, at everything. Then I got sad again, and it seemed to hit me in waves, but eventually the waves got further apart. It never fully goes away, and there isnt' a day that my late fiance don't cross my mind, though it can still bring me to tears, now its with a different light...I think you learn to appreciate things more. At this point in your life (only three months after such a loss) it will not feel like anything will get better, but you will rise up from this, in your own time. For the moment only remember how to eat and sleep, take care of yourself.

Chai, I feel exactly the same way...I want to talk about how wonderful my fiance was, but wonder if it would be a burden. Would be nice to get input from someone who isn't greiving to see how they would feel about this topic, but everyone is different. I tend to keep everything to myself, don't want to be a burden on people, yet I know the sadness builds up inside me. Its hard (for me) to know what to do or how to communicate these feelings, even with close friends. I've been struggling with this topic for some time now, it comforting that i'm not the only one having communication issues.

Do any of you have trouble reaching out to others, in person, when you are down? I am having a sad day today, but i'm not the type of person to openly express that i'm sad, its something I find hard to do for some reason, but then it builds up inside me and expresses itself in other forms, like anger and irritability. I often feel i'm a burden on my friends when i'm upset, so I try to keep it to myself....

Kim, while I cannot understand all these feelings you are going through right now, I know how it feels to think we are being punished. Why give the gift of a beautiful relationship, life, and then just take it away...cause pain? But a friend replied to me and said we were actually rewarded with the time we had with him, and we are WHO we are today, in part because of him. It is true, but it still really hurts, and its hard to accept. Like you, all I could think of was Why? But trying to make light of everything that is happening will only make you worse because it is a circular question that really, can never be answered. It was one of the hardest things to get through for me, they "why's"...and I do not know how and when I came to the realization and acceptance that I will never know why, but when I did, it made things just a little less stressful and gave me the ability to appreciate our time together, even more. I don't know if this makes any sense, and I don't really have good advice to give, but for me, being a depressed person as it was my partner always tried to make me happy and help me get out of my depression, he hated seeing me upset. So with this in mind, it gave me a little more internal support knowing he is still there with me, helping me get through the stressors in my life. We are all thinking of you, and here to listen and try to help you through all of this. with love and support.

Hi Teny, sorry your feelign this way, when these feelings rush over you it makes you feel like...what's the point of living? I saw this commercial on tv yesterday that basically said: when someone you love dies, a part of you also dies...this is so true. But can that part of you ever return? Probably not the same as it did before, but yes it can, in your own time. In times when you feel so low that you think you cannot just go on, just think that your precious partner would WANT you to live on without him while cherishing his precious memory. He is always with you, in your heart. For me, I take comfort knowing that in times when I feel at my lowest, I think of him and his wonderful memory and heart, and it gives me the strength to get through the day knowing that he is still continuously supporting me every day of my life. Take Care Teny, and everyone is here for you whenever you need it, especially when you need it most.

I am so sorry for your loss....pain like this does hurt terribly, and makes you feel so empty inside. Don't feel you have to fulfill any normal obligations over the holidays, if you feel like pulling the covers over your head, then go for it. But anytime you need to vent or know whether what your going through is normal, or (if your like me) don't feel like talking to someone in person about your pain, you can do it here...there is much support for you here, anytime.

I thought I was the only one who had to deal with nasty in-laws...as hard as it is to ignore the mean actions of others, its what has to be done. I am still struggling with this one, it really does hurt to have the loved-ones of YOUR loved-one disrespect your feelings and greiving process. While I was trying to just get through every day I could without my fiance I was getting harrassed for how I was doing things. It makes you feel that they don't believe in the relationship you had, or the feelings you held for him...and it can honestly make you feel guilty as if you are doing something wrong. But as time goes on, and after many nasty things said, I realized that they cannot take my feelings and relationship from me (if this makes sense). I also couldn't stand to be anywhere, as if I were constantly wanting to run from something, but you have to do what you have to, just to get through every day. Just know in your heart that your loved one would have been happy for your choices, thats all that matters.

This is beautiful and was touching...thanks for sharing

Five top things: 1. His sense of humor, he always had the ability to make me laugh 2. His knowledge: he was one of the smartest and motivated people I knew, and he instilled many of his values for education and work ethic in me. 3. His love for me: he cared very deeply for me and expressed it often. 4. His confidence 5. He found a friend or something good in everyone, including all the quirks I had. I miss him dearly...

That is great news Kathy, misunderstandings like this occur so easily...its great you made the first step to contact them, now you can support each other. I wish I could say the same for my late fiance's family...but it was their choice and now I'm starting to realize I cannot change that. stay strong.

Its great that you have both found happiness and support in each other. I hope we can all someday be as fortunate, best wishes.