Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

skyebean

Members
  • Posts

    1
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. Our sweet beautiful girl passed on yesterday.. She had a cancerous spleen removed back in April, and a biopsy revealed that it had not spread to her liver. With acupuncture and Chinese medicine she had a high quality of life for 8 more months.....and then a couple of weeks ago she started to decline. The ultrasound revealed that her liver was full of cancer. I have been dreading this for almost the past twelve years... I knew that she would not stay with me forever, and I drank in every sweet smile, every loving look, every silly, joyful moment of her life. I got her when I was 19, and I'm now 32, and pregnant with my first baby. She has driven cross country with me numerous times, been there through my worst heart aches, countless moves...she and her sister, Jellybean, wore periwinkle fairy wings at our wedding... She loved, and watched over me, and forgave me for all of the ways I love imperfectly...and she trusted me whenever she needed help...whenever she was hurt. My girls (Jellybean and Akasha) go absolutely everywhere with us, and they're both widely known, and deeply loved.. They are both incredibly sweet and loving golden retrievers, and where Jelly is childish and playful, Akasha is mature and maternal... They balanced each other out. They were a matched set, and together with my husband we were all a team. On Sunday Akasha had finally quit eating and drinking altogether, and we knew it was time....but she kept perking her ears up at us every time we walked into the room...even though she was starving and dehydrated, and her body was shutting down, she still expressed excitement at our being near... I talked to our vet, and she thought we could give her one more day to see if she would pass on her own. I came downstairs at four in the morning to lay with her...her breathing was so weak, but she moved her body in close to mine... I laid there spooning her until 6:00 am, and then I left to give her space in case she wanted to go on her own... When we came back down at 7:30 she was convulsing, and her lungs sounded full of fluid... We knew we had to act right away, because she was suffering so much... Our wonderful, kind vet came over to help her transition... Our sweet, gorgeous baby died in our arms, looking into my husband's eyes.. I grieve because I thought when she was done she'd be so ready to get out of here...but she still wanted to be with us so much... she laid in my arms as I watched her labor breathing cease, and her little nose stop moving... and then she was gone. This dog has taught me so much about unconditional love - how to give it, and how to receive it... that's what our pets do for us, and that's why they rip our hearts out when they leave.... Like I said, I've been dreading this almost her whole life, and in some ways I'm glad because I don't think I took one moment for granted....but I guess I couldn't truly fathom a world without her... I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she went some place that I couldn't follow (though at the moment I wanted to). I would do anything, spend any amount of money to ensure her well-being and safety....but I couldn't do thing about her body giving up on her. It feels so unreal....like it's somehow going against the rules of nature...something is terribly wrong. How can the world exist without her? There is still so much we had to do together... Finding this online forum, and connecting with the fact that other people are living in this twilight zone of grief, loss, and bewildered despair.....it helps me immeasurably... I feel so frightened now that I'm living in the world where such a thing could happen to me, to us...and I am so terribly frightened of the fact that this is going to be a long, hard road of healing. All of you sharing your grief helps me to see I am, we are, not alone... that I did not let her down somehow by failing to find a way around her mortality. To hear that your sweet loves were all so desperately precious to you helps me to not take this personally... This is just life... I am not being punished. I am so grateful that I have my other sweet darling Jelly, my unborn child growing inside, and my loving, dear, wonderful husband.....and I am also grateful that I have a support network of friends and family that truly understand what a devastating loss this is. I know from past losses that you never 'get over' losing someone you love. You just learn to cope with the loss... It's never 'okay'.. I just know that there will come a day when this grief won't take up all of the sky, and all of the earth... when i will no longer feel this horror slithering through my body. I know some day that acceptance will come....but for now I just need the universe to know that it's not okay. I want my girl back. This loss is too painful, too unfathomable to bear... Thanks for listening...
×
×
  • Create New...