FUNNYFACE

Thanks to all of you.....you won't believe what happened today.....1 day after the anniversery.....I had noticed a funny lump on the side of my dog's neck ( Jake is a cairin terrier like TO TO in the wizard of oz)..anyway this morning I noticed one on the other side and he was due for his shots so called the vet....was told to bring him in this afternoon ( unlike if you call a doctor now a days)......I have known my vet for over 20 yrs and he checked him all over and told me that he was sorry to say but he thinks that Jake has lymphoma ( cancer).....he took a biopsy of the lumps and will let me know in the next 2-3 days....my dog is 10.....he is the most previous little guy and never left my side through all the terrible times with my Mom.....My son is grown so he is our child....my husband is even crying.....the vet said that if that is what's going on he has maybe 3-4 weeks....I guess it is really quick in dogs.....anyway....I just can't believe it....everyone I know has cancer.....seems like and now even my poor little puppy.... Thanks for listening.....and pray I can get through this one too...I guess God never gives us more than we can bear but I sure wish he would lay off me for a while.... Love to all Funnyface

LeAnn: I agree with Lori....I can't believe her attitude....no compassion at all.... I ran into the same kind of thing after my Father died...with my Mom....than what really sinched it for me was ...as my Mother lay dying in a Hospice ...I find out from one of her doctors offices that someone at the wonderful social security office had transferred something in the computer for my Mother and changed her date of birth...therefore...none of her bills were being paid....I got her birth certificate and anything else I thought I would need and to the Social Security office I went......after sitting there for over 2 hours and constant calls to my husband via cell phone to find out how my Mom was doing a gentleman called my name....I explained everything to him....pulled out all my paper work and he proceeded to tell me he couldn't help me......the tears started...explained to him my Mother was right now dying and I needed help....told me to take a seat.....after another almost 2 hr wait a lady had me come back to her office......she was not sympathetic to my plight and after a call to my lawyer finally took care of the problem.....her date of birth was off by 1 number .....they could have cared less that I had spent 4 hrs waiting ....precious time that I could have had with my mother......I hope that when they loose a loved one that they have people that are more compassionate ........ Hugs Funnyface

Shelly: Thank you for your thoughts and for being here....it's funny because I too bought a balloon and did the same thing.....took it to the cemetery along with flowers and I said a prayer....told my Mom I loved her and really missed her and kissed the balloon and let it go....Unfortunately it didn't make me feel better and I am still sitting around weepy eyed.....I hope you are right and it will get easier as the years go by.....I would give anything just to know that she is ok and with my Dad.... She would not appreciate the state of mind that I am in and would not hesitate to tell me so....but right now that doesn't help......hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight and when I wake up things will be a little better....her birthday is Sept 28 and last year that was worrible and I am hoping that it will be easier this year..... Will try to go to bed....... Thanks to everyone for just letting me vent..... Love Funnyface

Thanks to all of you for you prayers and understanding.....I am on my way to the cemetary with flowers and I have a balloon that I want to release with a little message attached....someone here on this site mentioned that may help release some of the pain. I have been weepy all day.... September's Pain.....my heart goes out to you too....I guess we will have our ups and downs...that is part of the grieving process.....Mom's birthday will be sept 28 and will be another hard one...... It is so wonderful that we have this way of expressing ourselves and don't have to worry about being judged...and so much support......I can't tell you how much it helps...... I will make it through this day !!!!!!!!!!!! Love to all Funnyface

Just need to sit down and get my feelings on paper...Tomorrow will be the first year anniversary of my Mother's death. I remember watching the TV all night long in her hospice room trying to stay awake and all that was on was the terrible New Orleans diaster. As they started to replay all of that this last week all the horrible moments of that time in my life came rushing back....and the no sleep at night again started. I thought that I had been doing very well and I guess I am...just a relapse and that is ok...that will happen I know now and again...I only wish that I knew that she was ok and with my Dad....I have thought about going to a medium ..thinking that would ease my mind but than I worry about them just easing my pocket (If you know what I mean). Even thought it was been a year I still haven't gotten back the same interests that I had previously had. There was something that I wanted to do for 20 yrs, retired kinda and went to school to be able to do this particular thing and after she died....I just lost interest...I have been hoping that it would come back but not so far. Please....everyone say a small prayer for me for tomorrow will be a really rough time.... Funnyface

Kathy W. I am so sorry for you loss....your story sounds exactly like mine but I am a only child....lost both of parents within the same time span and felt I has to be the woman of steel......then my whole world fell apart..... Thank goodness for this site and the wonderful people at Hospice of the Valley ......I agree that it would not be a bad idea for you to seek some kind of group that you could physically go to...I do not know where you live but I know that there are churchs all over the country that provide this service...also mortunaries are starting to provide after care for the family members. Groups really helped me...it is a safe place to finally "Let it all hang out" and no one is there to judge you.....that is the way it is here on this site also...... It has been a year since my mother died and I was doing pretty well....than I started thinking that it was exactly this time last year that everything fell apart with my Mother....Sept 6th it will be 1 year that she died and I find myself crying, etc all over again....this is to be expected and I am sure that things "will get better". Just hang in there Kathy.....this is a great place to be if you have to be..... Hugs.....Funnyface

[quote name='STARKISS' date='Aug 20 2006, 01:31 PM' post='7360' Thanks LoriKelley and Starkiss for your input....I hadn't thought of a balloon and that is what I will do.....we buried my parents the same day due to the fact that they were both cremated and I could do that on the anniversary that they were buried .....the end of Sept.... LoriKelly....you have a good idea reagarding my God mothe but I do not know what there finances are....will see what I can do....I am a nurse...so the very first thing that I ever think about is "taking care of the person".....something in our makeup I guess. Spent the whole day sleeping today....just couldn't get up and face the world....I feel really dumb for that....I should be able to get up and get going....it's not like it just happened.....My husband keeps asking me what is wrong and I can't even tell him......he didn't really understand before I don't think and he sure isn't gonna understand now....I refuse to take any kind of med....I guess it is the fact that I think that I would be giving in....I'm a tough ole Irishman or so I think I am..... Thanks for your replys and listening.....LoriKelly...I will get that bood you suggested....I have heard of it..I did go to a 6 weeks workshop though HOV called Daughters without Mothers this spring and it really did help...I was so proud of myself and now here I am again..... Hugs to all Funnyface

Well...once again I feel the need to sit here and unload. It was a year ago this week that things in my life started to unravel...My mother had a mastectomy for cancer at 83...there was no other choice...and just gave up..and the downward spiral started. I thought that I was doing so well...was really proud of myself for reaching this point in my grieving process than my childhood friends parents started to get really sick and several die over the last few weeks and than it hit me.... while I was telling them how wonderful Hospice had been and how they helped me so much and how far I had come.....I was in that same horrible place that they were now a year ago. Everything came rushing back like a bad dream....the being unable to sleep, the crying jags...everything came rushing back...and is back. That is why I am sitting here at 12:30 am with tears steaming down my face. In some ways I am mad at myself for letting this start all over again...but a part of me knows that this would happen at this time of year....it is the first year....I know that this too will pass...I hope...but once again I feel like the little girl without a Mother....even though I am 55 yrs old. My family, husband,son,daughter-in-law just got back from a fabulous trip to Alaska in honor of both of my parents...they always wanted to go there and never made it so we made it a point to go this summer in their honor...it was a wonderful trip..probably the best we have ever had.....than I come home to a e-mail from my best friend regarding her Mother and eventually she died and all of a sudden I was back a year ago again.....than my sister-in-law tells me her mother who I am close to has unoperable cancer, and my God mother calls to tell me she has lung cancer.....I want to go take care of her in Calif, as she has no one to care for her but I am afraid that will really set me off , as I took care of my Mother too.... Sorry to just go rambling on + on...probably make no sense at all but I have been meaning to sit down and just write what was on my mind + I have. I miss both my parents terribly...Dad died 6 months before my Mom died..(I'm a only child)....I so wanted to be able to tell her all about our wonderful vacation but she probably all ready knew because I am possitive that she and my Dad are always with me.....looking down over all of us...... Funnyface

I too had my first birthday on 7/11 since my mother died...It was so strange because the first thing I thought of when I woke up that day was her. Without her I wouldn't be here....what a funny thought...I am 57 now and have had many birthdays. Some far away and she couldn't be near to celebrate or call or what ever but this was different. I guess all FIRSTS are gonna be different. I had given her a dressed up Teddy Bear that sang a song about how much I loved her and even though I wasn't there I still loved her....well...this song just kept running though my mind....no matter what I did it was there....watching TV, listening to music, everywhere. We played it for her as she was dying as well as spraying her favorite lavender sent in the air....(hard to swell that right now)(haven't played the bear again) I would like to think that the reason that song kept playing over and over again in my head was that she wanted me to know that she was here....that she loved me. I raise Afrian violets and I have about 10...but one is gigantic....I named it Alice after my mother....well...it started blooming the day she died and has not stopped blooming....she died Sept 2005. Usually violets do not keep blooming like that......strange....that to makes me feel she is telling me she is still around for me... I am doing so much better and want to let you all know that you will have your ups and downs....mostly downs for a while, but there is hope.... Love+Hugs to all Funnyface

Nic. I am so glad I could help someone....July 11 was my birthday and the moment I woke up I thought of my Mother......and all day I couldn't get her out of my mind...I had bought her a bear that played a song about how much I loved her even when I wasn't there.....we would go on short trips and I guess all the time we were gone she would play this bear.....and even when she was lonely....When she was dying we would play that for her and spray her lavender sheet spray all around her......anyway, I was humming that song the whole day.....very strange. Things do get better.....I know...I was so devistated by her death but I do feel like I am making progress...things do set me off but I think that is only natural......everytime I look at my son I see my Dad literally.....he is just like him......and I would like to think that I am just like Mom....kind and caring to everyone..... We are all here for each other.......a big hug from me.... Funnyface

I just want everyone to know that the pain does ease some....it is not a constant for me anymore.....certain things will trigger me....a song, smell, situation but I am doing better each and every day. I know that my parents wouldn't want me to sit around all the time thinking of them and grieving... Nic...I am also a only child and was extremely close to my parents.....it was always the 3 of us....than came along my husband and my father was jealous that he was no long the dominant male in my life......that's how close we were. He died in March with Alzheimers....that was the most horrible thing in the world to sit there and see this brillant man that once was my father become so baby like...unable to do anything himself.......this was a terrible toll on my Mother and after he died I don't think she felt she had a reason to live....she discovered she had breast cancer in Aug. and was dead by Sept 2005. She would have been 83 Sept 28. When my father died it was almost a blessing....but I really didn't have the time to grieve because you see....I had to be the strong one...for my Mother......after she died I wound up grieving the both of them......I feel like I am a orphan....I have no aunts, uncles, cousins......just my wonderful husband, son and daughter-in-law. Things are better for me and someday they will be better for all of those who are still so overwhelmed by their grief. We will never never forget our beloved parents but remember....we are a part of them....so they live on in us..... Funnyface

Everyone.....I hope that the "Parent's Wish also helped you understand maybe where your parents were at their time in life...I know it won't apply to everyone.... I can't tell you what a help that Hopsice of the Valley has been and the wonderful friendships that were made in the group grief sessions....three of us are now in a Red Hat Society chapter and see each other a couple times a month....we are contuning to help each other grieve and be there for one another. It will be a year in Sept that I lost my Mother and a year last March that I have lost my Dad...and for all of you that are still struggling I want you to know that there is light at the end of tunnel.....we will make it through our grief....some of us faster than others but we will make it.....I didn't think I would but now I do see progress.....Hang in there.....we are all in this together.......there will be stumbles but we needed help to walk in the first place didn't we......it the stumbles are all right... Love Funnyface

I was sent this web site by a friend..it is beautiful...cried all the way through but if you have lost a older parent this is a must see.. I completed a Daughter's without Mother's session over 6 wks. and I can't tell you how it has helped me. I wouldn't have been able to look at this let alone send it on 8 weeks ago....It has really helped me heal... Please check this web site out....wwwparentswish.com

AmyLea: Thanks for responding....I am a only child and was the apple of my Father's eye...he was a foster child so never felt he had a family ...let alone anyone that was really his until I was born...I am telling you this to let you know of the bond that we had....he was damned with Alzheimer's for the last 15 yrs of his life.....it was so horrible watching this self taught brillant man forget everything...towards the end even how to swallow...I am a nurse to boot so to watch this and not be able to do anything about it about drove me crazy....for the last 5 years of his life he didn't know who I was...only that I was some kind of devil person that was trying to take his money, home and wife.... I was willing to be the one he struck out at...better me than my Mother.....I tried my best to take care of both of my parents but Dad got so bad he finally had to go to a safe place where he could be taken care of 24/7...that killed both my Mom and me.....toward the end I couldn't even deal with going to see him...I just couldn't handle it...he died 6 months before my Mother died....at the time I didn't have the time to grieve him because my Mother was diagnosised with breast cancer and I had to deal with that and be the strong one.....so now...when I think that i have things kinda under control with my Mother's death the grief I have not resolved about his death has crept up....I thought that I had all ready grieved for him because I really lost him so long ago.....he was not my Dad anymore...just a shell....but I sure miss him....but he goes on in his grandson....he is just like his Grandpa and I see Dad reflected in my son....I would hope that I am just like my Mother.....she was the kindest person I ever knew....she could always make people laugh...even to the end.... Didn't mean to ramble...guess really needed to get some emotions out tonite.. I wish there was a group like I had for you...I was given a list of books about daughters and mothers and I will try to find it for you and give you the titles.... We are all in this together....this is a wonderful site....and we will all make it through this...I know we will Funnyface

Marty.....this is directed to you......several months ago you responded to one of my posts....directly me to seek help through HOV berivement services....I can say that it was some of the best advise that I have received. I have just finished a 6 week session with Joyce "Daughters without Mothers" and I can not express how it has helped me.....it was a safe place to fall....all of us were in the same boat but in different stages of our grieving....when you lose a Mother it is like you have also lost your identity in some ways.....We all cried, laughed, hugged and with Joyce's help we were able to find some peace in our lives. I have come along way since it started 6 weeks ago....first Mother's Day etc. and I made it through...I survived...one step at a time....that is all we can expect. Tonight was our last session and it was bitter sweet.....we had to say good-bye and leave our safe place but we are all armed with the knowledge that we are not alone and we will make it through.. I know that my Mother is looking down on me and saying...."That a girl....I knew you could do it." There will still be hard times ahead.....the first anniversary of her death , her birthday, etc. but if I made it this far....I will make it .... Thanks....Funnyface