LoriW

Barb, I really admire you sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to build your relationships again as I am sure they are missing you too. I say this because my brothers and myself are on the side of having been cut out of our Dad's life not so long after our Mom's death. It's been difficult and painful and quite frankly shocking! I know he hurts that my Mom died...I miss her too, but rather than drawing on those who have been near, dear and loving to him he's pushed us all away and wants nothing to do with any of us. I pray that he discovers the things you speak of.....I've tried to reach out, only to get hurt even more. I figure he'll come when he's ready...it that every happens. I wish for you Barb, happiness....not having lost I spouse I cannot understand that pain. Know that this board is always here and we learn from one another. Once again, thanks for sharing your story with me, it gives me insight into what my Dad has been going through

Deb, I know you are having a rough time right now and as hard as it is we must go through all the milestones. Getting through them....sometimes just by existing....sometimes by crying for hours....and yes, sometimes by laughing we begin to heal. You are only 9 months into your grief. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be okay on certain days. I often found myself, within the first year of my Mom's death, much more at peace on that "dreaded" day. It was often times the days that built up to that day that were much worse. I can remember getting really worked up about the 1st year of the date of my Mom's death, when in actuality the day prior to that was much worse. Just know that missing someone and grieving that loss is never easy. You will be okay and one day the hurt may ease a bit. I never thought I would be where I am at after my Mom's death in 2005. I'm now coming up on 3 years without my Mom. I think of her every single day....every day. I spoke of her to a friend the other day and I could feel the tinge of sadness and missing her, but I know that she'd want me to carry on and remember her with a lot of smiles and laughter. You're in my prayers.

D2 I can relate so well to what you are going through. My Mom died 2 and a half years ago. She was 62....my Dad was 64 at the time. They had been married 44 years, they were very young when they married. Within several months of her death he was trying to find someone else to love and care for him like my Mom had. His demeanor changed he began doing things I never seen him do in my life, his interests changed. My brothers and I tried to get him to come spend time with us and our families which include his grandchildren, but he avoided us. Within 6 months of my Mom's death he met someone online and began a long distance relationship...he flew cross country and on the year mark of my Mom's death, he was visiting his new friend and called to tell us he was "in love". One month laterm he flew back again and got engaged. He will be married 1 year this August. This is what hurts.......he has tossed aside anyone who had a meaningful relationship with my Mom......including his 3 children and his grandchildren. He has treated my Mom's family (his inlaws) horribly and done something to my Grandma (his mother-in-law) that is quite shocking. I cannot believe that this is the same man who raised me and taught me about loving people and doing the right thing!!!!! His behavior is that of a complete stranger. I never saw any animosity or disdain for my Mom's family in all the years of their marriage, I know there were annoying things but that is standard in any family. This behavior leaves me and my brothers, as well as friends dumbfounded. He has not spoken to us, his children, in almost a year with the exception of some pretty nasty emails in which he insinuates we are replaceable because his new wife has children and grandchildren as well. He no longer associates himself or talks with any of his old friends he had with my Mom, some he has known for decades. Believe me when I say I know your fears....I pray your Dad reaches out and finds help. My Dad did not seek any counseling, never really liked to talk about my Mom's sudden death and basically has tried to ease his suffering by finding a replacement so he can feel the same. I'm not sure how this is working out for him as anything familiar to him has to be completely gone. I don't know if things will ever be repaired and that distresses me. I would almost think that after seeing the sudden and unexpected loss of my Mom he would try to live his life differently and value the people who were there in the days...weeks and months after my Mom's death. There's really not much you can do but just hope and pray that he finds his way back. We're here for you if you need to talk. Lori

I've not lost a spouse or a significant other, I don't think it can be generalized. However, had my Dad been the one to pass away, I believe my Mom was much more equipped to handle things better. She did everything...paid the bills...housework...cooked...entertained, his world at 64 years old was turned upside down. I'm sure her grief would have been just as intense as what my Dad has gone through.....but I don't believe she would have turned her back on her children...inlaws and friends. I think his grief has never been dealt with...he's just tried to cover it up....it's a personality thing.

I want to wish those of you who have lost their Father's a peaceful day of remembering. Keep your memories of your Dad near, tell a story or two of him to your children, grandchildren or friend. Recall a memory with a sibling who has just as many memories as you do. It will keep his legacy alive and bring a smile or two. Peace to you all for the coming days and on Sunday. Lori

I too am sorry for the loss of your Mom. I also want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby boy. First, do not expect yourself to be back to where you used to be. It may never happen and it's going to take time to heal from such a sudden and unexpected loss, especially at such an emotionally vulnerable time when you are expecting nothing but joy. Go easy on yourself and do not expect too much of yourself. I cannot imagine having to take care of a newborn and yet grieve the loss of a Mother. Grief in itself is exhausting and to take care of a new baby and another child......you must be on auto-pilot. My Mom died suddenly 2 and a half years ago. 5 days after Thanksgiving. I was numb and being that it was close to Christmas and had kids that still believed in Santa Claus, I just went through the motions. I cried a lot. I can only imagine how you feel....as I know having a baby comes with it's own set of emotions and then not to have your Mom to call just compounds the emotions. I'm glad your fiance is supportive, he will need to be as you must work through grief at your own pace. I can kind of relate to the situation with your stepdad too. My own Dad, has basically disassociated himself with his own children, myself and my 2 brothers. He no longer speaks to my Mom's family or the friends he and my Mom had for decades. He may not be out drinking but my Mom's death has profoundly effected his life and he has chose to cut us all out rather than feel the loss and grieve. He has remarried and basically has told us he has a new family. I can see where you would want to stay connected and yet your stepdad pushes you away and then you feel even further from your Mom......that's how I feel. As time passes you will relive the vivid memories of the hours and minutes before your Mom's death less and less. I know that my mind often would find itself going back to that day and reliving everything over and over again. It was almost like watching a movie. Like I said, I cried a lot....especially alone in the car. I didn't want anyone to think I was a total basket case. Now, however, I miss Mom like crazy...think of her at least half a dozen times a day but it's better....not the same.....but I'm learning everyday to adjust and make my way. You will too, even though you may not believe it now. Take care of you.....because you have to be there for your babies, your Mom would want that most of all! Hugs and prayers. Lori

Rosanne, I have to agree with Leeanne regarding the 1st marking of your mom's passing away. The day before that milestone for me was much more emotional than the actual day. It's now been 2 and half years since my Mom died and it will get better. I think about her every single solitary day of my life. I miss her every single day of my life.......but, I know she's not coming back and I hold tight to all of the beautiful memories and her love. Do you what you absolutely must that day. If you feel as if you cannot go about your usual daily life.....stay in bed if you must....cry if you must....feel the raw pain of missinger that day......it is how we heal, and although life is NEVER the same, we find that we grow from the loss, learn about what is important to us and who is important to us. You may even find that you will be very peaceful on that anniversary date. I know, I surprisingly found myself much more calmer than the day before.....as I felt like that the day before the 1 year mark of her death.....I thought so much about what she had planned for the days and weeks ahead and never got to do.....then the next morning came and I was at peace. I sometimes like to think it was my Mom's and God's gift to me. To have a special day to think of her love. I know how hard it is to miss you Mother. I know that it's a yearning and desire every single day.....no matter how old you are. I am 42 years old and there's been so many times I've wanted to call her and tell her something about my girls. Holidays are not the same and my family of origin, in general, has been destroyed. Grieving is a long time process....to feel all the pain is to allow yourself to grow and heal........I know, I have been much more sympathetic to those who've lost a parent since my own Mom died. Do what you must on that day and the days ahead. You had only 1 Mother..........they are our nuturers....our touchstones.....our hearts......it's a bond that is truly amazing. My heart and prayers go out to you. Hugs Lori

Although my Dad did not turn to partying after the sudden death of my Mom....things have changed drastically! Within 18 months of my Mom's death he remarried a woman from the other side of the country (got engaged after only seeing her 2 times).....turned against his in-laws (my Mom's family), no longer associates with his friends he had when my Mom was alive after his marriage last summer.......and the worst.....he's no longer speaking to my 2 brothers and myself. There's nothing more I can do. I truly believe he has not dealt with the grief associated with my Mom's sudden death in 2005. It's almost as if, anyone that had anything to do with his 'old' life that included my Mom of course is too painful for him to be reminded of. It's confusing...it's hurtful.....it's frustrating and it makes me angry. So, in a way I know how you feel. I just hope with time....he will deal with all of his grief and realize that those he has pushed away are still here waiting for him to come back....just like you are with your dear friend. Hugs Lori

Shauna, I no longer keep track like that as much. Although, the 30th of April marked 2 years and 5 months since my Mom's death. When she first died, Wednesdays seemed difficult for me. I used to keep track of them...week by week. Then, that faded and all through the first year the 30th was significant. Now, not so much. However, with the coming of Mother's Day I'm feeling more emotional. Sometimes, I don't realize it but then it hits me. I think of my Mom every single day. Missing her, and taking things she taught me and trying to live them and apply them to my daily life. My girls were only 6 and 9 when she died, I definitely keep her memory alive so she's not fogotten.

First of all....you cannot expect yourself to ever be the same again. You can't expect yourself to not feel the loss of your Mom just because it was anticipated. You have lost a person who has been close to you since your birth. You will not be the same but you will have gained wisdom and in turn....you may find yourself helping someone else. I wish more than anything my Mom was still with me. It's now nearly 2 and a half years. I have certain times where I still cry....but it's better. By losing my Mom, I have been able to help friends who have lost a parent or a close family member. It's easier to know what to say and do. Go easy on yourself....I wasn't even back in the office 5 days after my Mom died.

I saw the Primetime program about Randy. I had not heard of him before Wednesday evening. He is a remarkable person with a remarkable wife. I love his attitude and his outlook and his message. What an inspiration.

Joy, I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I remember the place you are at right now. I lost my Mom unexpectedly in November 05. I had just seen her 5 days before and she was fine. You must begin taking this minute by minute...then hour by hour....day by day....week by week....month by month. I cried every signle day, sometimes several times a day when it first happened. I worried for my Dad who was left behind....it was bad. I couldn't sleep well,couldn't think straight and I would replay the day and the details of her death over and over in my mind. Milestones of the first year of her being gone became a stressor....somtimes the buildup to the actual day worse than the day itself. 2 examples were her first birthday being gone and the day of her death. I felt peacefulness on her birthday....I spent it with my Dad and some of their friends, we went to dinner and talked about her. The year anniversary of her passing I was much more emotional on the day prior than the day of.....I kept reliving how normal my day was one year prior and how much it changed the next. Slowly but surely and with a great group of friends to let me speak of my grief....and this site.....the grief got better. I began not to cry everyday...memories of Mom would come and would be sweet. Kind of like little love notes left in the mind. I cherish each one! Now, it's nearly 2 years and 4 months since she died, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of this woman I loved so much, who did so much for me and loved me all of my life! I miss her terribly....but often I feel her. Know that your Dad is with you...you are a part of him. It will get better, even though it doesn't feel like it now. Do not deny yourself your grief...cry when you must and feel that loss and in the end you will heal. Things are never quite the same as they had been, but a "new" normal will emerge. Peace to you Lori

Karen, I am right there with you! I am living this stuff right now! It's not about life insurance and it has to do with my Dad. My Mom and he were married 44 years, my Mom died and her Mom is still alive. She is elderly and needed to move out of her large family home she's lived in for 40 plus years. After my Grandpa passed in the 80's my Mom's name and her 2 sisters' names were put on the house deed so that all the money from my Grandma's home would be safe if something happened to her and they needed to sell it and use the money for her care. Mom dies. Grandma's in failing health and agrees to move into assisted living. The sale of her home will pay for her care in her new apartment. My Dad needs to resign the deed in place of my Mom because he is on her will. My Dad refused to sign never giving his adult children an explanation as to why he refused. Never communicated with my Mother's family...just nasty emails....and now he does not speak to me or my brother. I never in my life could have believed this.....but, it just goes to show what can happen when a death occurs. The sad thing is, my Grandma's not even dead! The house was sold, my Mom's 2 sisters signed the new deed and recieved no money from the sale and nor were they penalized (my Dad was told her would neither benefit or lose by signing)....my Grandma received her check and my Dad received a check. This money was never meant to be his and it has torn our family apart. He doesn't even care and it hurts so deeply. I know my Mom would be furious....I'm sure she is now. I wish he would have done the right thing...my Mom died and my Dad is gone, it makes me sad.

Rosanne, I have tended to be skeptical of those type of things. Right after my Mom died...it was exactly a week to the day, I went back to work and I felt a brushing on the left side of me...I swore I heard someone call my name. As strange as I thought it was, I let it go. The last thing that occurred was about 2 months ago. If you read some of my other posts I have been going through a difficult time with my Dad. It's not been good. I received a nasty email from him one afternoon, I was so upset that I could not finish reading the email right away. I had to go sit in my living room to calm myself and yet that was not working. The phone rang and when I answered it....it was my Mom's best friend for the last 10 years, calling to see how I was. I think between my Mom and God...they both knew....I needed someone and of all people....not a good friend of mine, but my Mom's! To me that was a huge message from her.

Rene, I can relate to what your feeling. My Mom died in Nov. 2005 and my Dad started a long distance relationship with a widowed woman in July 2006...by December 2006 they were engaged and they married in August 07. I had to know that my Dad deserved to be happy again but I definitely felt that once he met her and decided that this was a relationship he wanted to persue...we (his kids)were no longer necessary. Last year, he spent not 1 holiday with any of us....not Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter. It hurt and still does..... Keep your chin up! Have you met this woman? You may like her and she could possibly be good for your Dad. I just wished that my situation would have worked out that way.

Drew, I totally understand how you are feeling. Although I lost my Mom at age 39, there is really no one who loves like a Mom. I was fortunate enough to have my Mom around when my girls were born and they both have great memories of her but there is still that longing to share something special they did with her. Your Mom will be with you on your special days. Maybe not in the physical sense but her pride will be bursting the day you graduate from college....the day you marry the woman you find to love...and the day you give her a grandchild. She's with you every day and the love between you both never ends.

Shell, Thanks for your kind words of understanding. I hope you are doing okay yourself. I'm sorry for the most recent loss of your Mom. Thanks for the cyber-hug too. Lori

Hi Everyone, I've not been around for a while, although I stopped by time to time to read some of the posts and try to relate. I'v been doing well since the sudden death of my Mom in 2005. A big source of help was this site and those who particpate. I think feeling the hurt and the loss and letting it all come out has helped me get to the place I am at today. I still miss my Mom more than I can fully express sometimes but I no longer feel like a ton of bricks have dropped on me when I have a memory or speak of her. I still get teary eyed evey now and then but more often than not her memories produce smiles. I also believe she is with me as I continue on with my life. On a sad note, my Dad has changed into a man I nolonger know. He and my Mom were married for 44 years. He's not spoken to my brothers or myself since September 2007! He's now remarried, she's a widow herself, and he did something to my Grandma (my Mom's Mom)that was unthinkable to me. Years ago, after my Grandpa died, my Mom and her 2 sisters were put on the deed of my Grandma's home. It was done for precautionary purposes so that they could sell her home if something happened to her. Well, in the last few years my Grandma has become quite frail. She could no longer keep up with the maintenance of a large home. My Mom knew this prior to her death and both her and my Grandma talked about the possiblity of moving to an assisted living facility. At the time my Grandma mentally could not think of the idea. Well, this past summer she decided that she did need to move. My Mom's sister who lives near to my Grandma and her husband helped to get her home ready for sale and move her to her new apartment. To my Aunt's surprise they received an offer on her home within 10 days of the sign going up. Now my Dad was to sign the deed to agree to the home sale in the place of my Mom as his name was the only name mentioned on my Mom's will. My Mom's 2 sisters would then place their signature on the new deed waiving all profits. My Dad had been told that he would neither benefit from the sale or lose. My Dad stalled and sent everything to a lawyer. Accusing my Mom's family of not being forthright with him, which was far from the truth. My Dad refused to listen to the pleas of my brothers and myself, asking him to sign so my Grandma's home sale would not be in jeopardy. He refused to heed our request. In the end the sale went through but only after much anxiety and hurt to my Mom's family....including my brothers and me. My Dad eventually signed the papers but only after he took nearly $40K in my Grandma's home equity. No one but my Dad and my Grandma received any money. My brothers and I tried to contact our Dad for an explanation of this and he refused to speak to us. Now he just sends cold emails and accuses people of trying to deceive him. It's almost as if anyone who had anything to do with my Mom, including friends, is no longer easy to be around. Maybe we are all just too much of a painful reminder, however, I don't think he should be treating us this way. I've tried to be supportive and I feel I have been...to the point in the beginning were I put my own grief on the back burner as I worried about my Dad's well being. I've lost my Mom to death and now I've lost my Dad to something I cannot comprehend. I had never in my life known him to behave in such a manner! I now often think that it was my Mom who made my Dad a better person. I do not know what his new wife knows, I mean I don't know what he's told her about my Grandma's house. I feel maybe they are lies...like they were owners or something. I wrote on this site last February or March about my first meeting with her and how I believe I liked her and that she was going to be good for my Dad, but with each meeting after that there were hints here and there where her attitude was different towards me. However, I feel and I know I was always polite and friendly to her. Just prior to new years my Dad emailed me and said some really nasty things. I couldn't even fully read the remainder of the email and had to step away from the computer. My phone rang and the voice on the other side of the phone was my Mom's best friend for the last 10 years or so. She called me out of the blue to see how I was, needless to say, how I was at that time was pretty much a mess. I was crying and upset and she just listened....he's not been communicating with them either. I believe that my Mom and God knew I needed that woman's comfort at that time....that was why that phone rang. So, now I come back here again because I have grief over a fractured relationship with my Dad. It's a different hurt because along with the longing....I am very angry. I know I can't let this anger and resentment take over and by talking about how I am feeling helps me to work through it all. My Dad thinks we've been disrespectful, disloyal and deceiving. Three things I have never been to him. I know in my heart I've done nothing wrong, but I never would have dreamed my Dad would treat his family in such a horrible way. I just need to talk this out.....people get weary of listening to this drama....but it hurts! Somehow I need to work through it all. I just ask for you prayers....you've been such a help and a guide for me after my Mom's death. Lori

lavender... Hugs and comfort to you. I know how difficult it is. My own Mom's birthday is July 8th. This is the 2nd birthday since she has passed. I remember last year, it was difficult for me...especially as I began my day. I even think that it was the day that hurt the most.....because...it was HER day. It wasn't about any one else but my Mom. But...as I got into my day I did find some peace...I didn't cry at the end of my day like I did at the beginning. I began it by going to the cemetery and placing flowers and took one of my daughters who wanted to get Gramma a Spongebob Balloon. Then I took her and my other daughter to spend the afternoon with my Dad. We went to mass with him, as it was said for her, and then to eat with my parent's good friends. After that we played a game my Mom had taught the girls until nearly midnight. It's a tough day....but I am sure you will find a way to make it meaningful and you will feel the warmth of you Mom's love envelope you and though she may not be near physically her presence is very real. God bless you. Lori

Hello All, I haven't been around much lately, but as Mother's Day approaches, I feel the need to reconnect. This is my 2nd Mother's Day without my Mom in this world and in many ways I feel better than I did last year at this time. I don't miss my Mom any less but the precious memories and the lessons of life and love fill me every single day. I keep her memory fresh and tell stories of her when I can. I'll be with all of you in spirit celebrating your Moms on Sunday. My Mom will be with all of them...her name is Trina Marie. Hugs to you all, Lori

Thanks Bee and Lori for your responses. My Dad's fiance is coming back to AZ on Friday. I will be glad because he has been so cranky since she has left to go home. I am happy they have found eachother...but, I have my concerns that my Dad is trying to bring back what he lost only 15 months ago. He really has some unnecessary bitterness he is harboring towards my Mom's family. I have told him that certain things he is doing is not nice and uncalled for. I hope he realizes the things he is doing. Bee, I have 5 more months until my Dad's wedding. I got my plane ticket to go and I really lucked out with such cheap flights. All of their grandchildren will be in the wedding. Take Care, Lori

Hi All, I haven't been around much...just busy with life in general, but I met my Dad's soon to be wife this past week. She is really nice. Prior to her visiting my Dad and I had a few discussions, some heated, about things he has said to me that have been rather insensitive. I know he does not mean to be intentional when he says things but I had to let him know his words or his actions stung me or made me feel hurt. I felt better once I let that go. I always know, he's there as I for him and he is always my Dad. His fiance came for his birthday and will be out again to visit in 2 weeks. I really, really like her. She makes him happy. What's important is that both honor and respect their prior spouses they both lost and realize that they have eachother because of them. Thanks for the listening ears. Lori

Bernadette, My prayers are with you. I am glad you have your sisters to give you comfort. I know at the 1 year mark of my Mom's death I really felt peaceful. As is the case for a lot of things pertaining to grief, the build up to the day was much wors. Any way, I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Lori

Shelley, This is one suggestion, if your siblings in your family are adamant about placing your Mom somewhere. The cemetery where my Mom is buried has a really nice section in the musoleum and there is a place to put cremains. They are glass enclosed so you can see the the urns and often times people have placed momentos and photographs of their loved ones. I am sure a lot of cemeteries have a section like this. However, if you siblings are okay with you keeping them with you and you feel comfortable with it just let her cremains remain with you. Each of us feel comfortable with different things. My cousins lost their Mom in 2000. They still have her cremains and when her husband, their father, passes it is his wish to be mixed with her ashes and then buried together. Each of his daughters have some of their Mom's ashes for themselves and that makes them feel comfortable. This would not make me feel good at all. I hope all works out for you. Lori

Janine, Trudy is right. What you are going through now is the same stuff I did after my Mom died. My mind would often replay the slant of sunlight as I drove to my parent's home after my Mom passed away. It's like I had everything slowed down and photos in still life in my mind's eye. Seeing my Mom laying there, like your sister, with tubes...lifeless and the warmth draining from her body. It's painful. However, and I know right now it is hard for you to believe, those specific memories become less vivid. They now appear less and less to me and for that I am grateful. As for family issues...it's been 13 months since my Mom died and I swear, every day there is a new adjustment. Some things are harder to get used to....but a life was lost and it is a void for everyone, one that cannot ever be replaced. I am learning it's so important to keep my Mom's memory alive and to hold on to the conversations we and the memories we made. Janine, do not expect a lot from yourself. You are going to be forgetful, exhausted, irritable, sad...remember, you need to be good to yourself. Keeping you in my prayers. Lori